to "The Hidden Life of Tree,"

trees actually feel and communicate

through their complex root systems?

Trees can be friends.

Author Peter Wohlleben said that

sometimes when a tree is cut down to a stump,

if it has a best friend,

it can be kept alive for centuries

because the BFF can provide nutrients

to the stump's roots.

That is friendship done right.

But sometimes trees can be total dicks to each other.

- Hey, can you stop growing your branches this way?

It's covering my leaves

and I can't photosynthesize.

It's really messing me up.

- Sorry, not sorry.

I'm a grower, can't go much slower, you know? (chuckles)

- Dude, don't be a dick.

Just split your branches and grow the other way.

- Bro, you know that winter is coming, okay?

And I need to get that fat, fat sun supply

so that I have nutrients for the winter.

(tense music)

- Oh my, God.

Oh there's a deer.

He's munching.

Quickly, Quickly.

- Okay, oh, oh. - Blast a bad taste

off your branches. - Don't panic.

Don't panic. - He's definitely

coming to you next.

- [All] Okay, okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

(tree screams)

- Okay blessing now.

Oh my God, Michelle.

It was really nice knowin' you, dude.

It was really great knowin' you.

- Monster.

- The social and emotional life of a tree

is like way more complicated than

I ever gave them credit for.

And in reading "The Hidden Life of Trees,"

I thought a lot about my own friendships

particularly the ones that had gone very wrong. (chuckles)

I had one friend who like straight up became my enemy.

- Michelle, did you hear what Anna did?

- No, what?

- She told that deer to come eat you?

- What?

That is a lie.

Melissa, why are you lying about me?

- It's not a lie.

- Okay Michelle, how would I even talk

to that deer without you hearing about it?

(intense music)

Huh?

We've been rooted right here

since we were both seedlings.

- You communicated through your root system obviously.

- You are such a Birch.

Seriously, Michelle, you've got to watch

out for Birches like these.

- Did you seriously just make a Birch-tree pun?

- I'm not proud of it

But I stand by it.

Yes.

An ex-friend of mine basically became an enemy

after our friendship dissolved.

She tried to turn all my friends against me.

She'd send multiple packages to my house.

She attacked my character.

It was honestly really traumatic.

And my therapist said this amazing term

that I'd never heard before.

These are bids for chaos.

Bids for war.

And the best way to deal

with bids for chaos and war is indifference.

Indifference kills.

Turn off the light.

Walk out of the room.

- I'm very familiar with bids for connection

through John Gottman's work,

which is a verbal or non-verbal action

that tries to get your attention.

And it's indicative of a desire for connection,

but bids for chaos?

Bids for war?

Fascinating.

I'm not gonna lie.

You know, when I was in my early 20s

I had zero idea how to communicate vulnerably

or deal with feelings.

So I sent out many bids for war,

many bids for chaos.

- Okay fine.

If you want me to leave, I'll just leave.

- Fine leave.

- Okay fine.

- Fine leave.

- Okay, I'm leaving.

- Fine.

Just leave.

- Yeah, I'm going.

I heard you.

- Fine. Leave.

- Yeah, I'm leaving now.

I'm gonna leave.

- Leave.

Fine.

Leave.

- Yeah I'm gonna go.

- Fine, leave.

- Okay I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here.

Do you want me to leave or not?

- Oddly enough I was telling a friend about

this whole situation when it was going down

and she turned me onto The Grey Rock Method.

And it's pretty funny.

So I have to share.

So grey rocking is a technique

for interacting with manipulative and abusive people.

And it can range from dealing with someone who's

like a legit narcissist or just having to deal

with someone who has a toxic dynamic with you.

Ellen Biros, a therapist in Georgia says,

"This strategy involves becoming the most boring

"and uninteresting person you can be

"when interacting with a manipulative person."

Since people with manipulative personalities feed on drama,

the duller and more boring you seem,

the more you undermine their efforts

to manipulate and control you.

Hence Grey Rock.

- Michelle, did you see?

Melissa dropped like almost all of her leaves

and there's no way she photosynthesized

enough for the winter. (laughs)

- Probably.

- She is definitely gonna ask us

to get her through another cold season.

(groans) Doesn't that make you so mad?

- Nope, not really.

- You'll never guess what

I heard through the root system.

- No. Guess I wouldn't.

- Well it's pretty juicy tea.

- Oh.

- Michelle, why are you acting weird?

Michelle?

Michelle?

Michelle?

Hello?

Michelle.

I know you can talk, Michelle.

We've talked our whole lives.

Michelle?

Michelle?

Michelle?

Grey Rocking is also supposedly a great technique

to use when you have to see a toxic person on the regular.

Maybe you're co-parenting.

Maybe they're your family or a coworker.

Matt Morissette, a licensed clinical professional counselor,

also says that grey rocking can help

when someone you've broken up with

or turned down for a date

isn't quite getting the message.

This technique reminds me a lot of the meme.

Yes, honey, give us nothing.

Oh my God I'm living for this lack of energy, baby.

- Go, girl.

- Yeah.

- Look at that face.

Look at that flat line.

Flat-line face.

Flat-line face. - Flat-line face.

Flat-line face. - Flat-line face.

Flat-Line face.

- Grey rocking is about disengaging, disconnecting,

and offering nada.

So you can't feed any needs for drama or attention.

Some people (chuckles) even go as far

as recommending wearing boring clothes

and no jewelry to maximize your grey rock.

Honestly it sounds like a hipster version

of Zen to me

and I'm living for it.

I am being the most boring grey rock

I can possibly be

with my friend turned enemy.

I am stone, except for the fact

that I'm making this video about it.

But honestly, after a video we kept

for like what a decade,

I have nothing left to talk

about except stuff that's happening now.

So we'll see how it goes.

Here's a bid for content.

- Can you guess where I'm from?

- Tree Tokyo?

(all laugh)

- No.

Montree-al.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You know my favorite part of history? (chuckles)

- What?

- The Industree-al Revolution.

(trees cheer)

(horn blares)

- You know what I want to abolish?

- What? - What?

- The patriarchy.

(crickets chirping)

- Yeah smash the patriarchy!

- Tree-archy. - Patriarchy.

(horn blows)

I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the patrons

who supported this video.

And thank you to Audible for sponsoring today's episode.

You can visit audible.com/anna

or text A-N-N-A to 500-500.

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you can get one audio book credit every month.

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in the entire premium selection

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and can listen to thousands of included titles.

I obviously just listened "The Hidden Life of Trees."

What they feel, how they communicate,

discoveries from a secret world by Peter Wohlleben.

And it was fascinating,

as you can tell by

the child tree costumes I immediately purchased.

Now it's really fascinating to me

because apparently a tree doesn't reach adulthood

for about a century

and until then it'll kind of be in its mother's shadow.

And the mom will control how much sunlight baby tree gets

so that it can't grow too fast.

Talk about helicopter parenting.

You can listen to "The Hidden Life of Trees," or more

by going to audible.com/anna

or texting A-N-N-A to 500-500.

Bye.