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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WELL, JUST WHEN WE ALL THOUGHT 2020 WAS THE WORST 12 MONTHS OF

  • OUR LIVES, 2021 SAID, "HOLD MY YEAR."

  • YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT YESTERDAY, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT INCITED

  • AN INSURRECTION AND UNLEASHED AN ANGRY SEDITIOUS MOB THAT STORMED

  • THE U.S. CAPITOL IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAGE A VIOLENT COUP.

  • TO OUR WORRIED FRIENDS AND ALLIES ACROSS THE GLOBE--

  • REST ASSURED, AMERICA KNOWS WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND ARE SEEKING

  • TREATMENT.

  • SOON.

  • BUT AS WORRIED AS OUR FRIENDS AND ALLIES MIGHT BE, YOU KNOW

  • WHO SOUNDS MORE WORRIED?

  • THE PRESIDENT.

  • BECAUSE JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO, MY TAPING TIME, HE RELEASED A

  • VIDEO THAT, CURIOUSLY, CONTAINED NONE OF THE BRAVADO OF YESTERDAY

  • MORNING.

  • NO CRIES OF "STOP THE STEAL," NO CALLS FOR ACTION, NO FOMENTING A

  • MINDLESS MOB AND DECLARATIONS THAT HE WILL NEVER SURRENDER.

  • ALSO, NO APOLOGY OR ACCEPTANCE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

  • IT DEFINITELY HAS THE FEEL OF SOMEONE THAT HAS BEEN TOLD BY

  • THEIR LAWYER, THAT IN 13 DAYS-- OR LESS-- THEY CAN BE CHARGED

  • WITH INSURRECTION, SEDITION, AND INCITING VIOLENCE.

  • MAYBE HOMICIDE.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • I'M NOT A LAWYER.

  • I'M A CLOWN.

  • LIKE RUDY.

  • SO, I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU A WORD OF IT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T

  • MEAN A WORD OF IT.

  • A MAN FACING A NOOSE WILL SAY ANYTHING TO SAVE HIS NECK.

  • OR SAVE HIS SKIN.

  • IT'S HARD TO TELL.

  • THERE'S A LOT OF SKIN AROUND THAT NECK.

  • ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS HE'S TERRIFIED, AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF

  • THE PEOPLE WHO MARCHED UP TO CAPITOL HILL ON HIS ORDERS:

  • YOU GET OUT YOUR FLAG, PUT ON YOUR HAT, AND YOU GIVE IT A

  • WATCH.

  • YOU ALSO MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON A CUP, BECAUSE HE THREW YOU UNDER

  • THE BUS THAT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOU TO JAIL.

  • BECAUSE WHO IS GOING TO DEFEND YOU?

  • OR HIM?

  • OR THOSE SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FOR WHAT YOU ALL

  • DID?

  • FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" EDITORIAL BOARD

  • JUST CALLED ON THE PRESIDENT TO RESIGN.

  • OVER 100 LAWMAKERS ARE CALLING FOR THE PRESIDENT'S REMOVAL.

  • AND TODAY, NANCY PELOSI THREATENED TO PURSUE IMPEACHMENT

  • IF THE PRESIDENT'S CABINET DOES NOT REMOVE HIM USING THE 25TH

  • AMENDMENT.

  • THAT IS SOME SERIOUS "ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE AWAY GRANDPA'S CAR

  • KEYS" ENERGY.

  • AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS CAR HAS NUCLEAR MISSILES.

  • FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THE CONSTITUTION WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN

  • TO THE 25TH AMENDMENT YET-- SPOILER ALERT-- IT ALLOWS THE

  • CABINET TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT IF THEY DECLARE HE IS UNABLE TO

  • DISCHARGE THE POWERS AND DUTIES OF HIS OFFICE.

  • THAT CHECKS OUT.

  • ALTHOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DISCHARGED PLENTY OF DUTY IN HIS

  • OFFICE.

  • BUT AS A PRACTICAL MATTER, THE VICE PRESIDENT HAS TO ORGANIZE

  • THE CABINET FOR A VOTE.

  • SO, TODAY, SPEAKER PELOSI AND SOON-TO-BE SENATE MAJORITY

  • LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER CALLED THE VICE PRESIDENT TO TALK ABOUT

  • THIS URGENT SUBJECT-- BUT WERE LEFT ON A HOLDING LINE

  • FOR 20 MINUTES WITHOUT MR. PENCE PICKING UP.

  • I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE VICE PRESIDENT'S ANSWERING

  • SERVICE.

  • >> YOU'VE REACHED THE OFFICE OF MIKE PENCE.

  • IF YOU WANT YOUR SON TO STOP BEING GAY, PRESS ONE.

  • IF YOU WANT YOUR PRESIDENT REMOVED FROM OFFICE, PLEASE

  • HOLD, YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS IS IMPORTANT TO US.

  • MOTHER, PACK THE BAGS!

  • ( BEEP ) >> Stephen: IN THE PRESIDENT'S

  • VIDEO, HE SAYS THERE WILL BE AN ORDERLY TRANSITION ON

  • JANUARY 20."

  • BUT HE'S NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO

  • BEFORE THEN.

  • I'M GUESSING SEND A PALLET OF METH AND MACHETES TO EVERY BASS

  • PRO SHOP IN THE COUNTRY WITH A NOTE SAYING "MAKE ME PROUD!"

  • ASIDE FROM HIS FEAR OF REMOVAL OR PROSECUTION, MAYBE BABY JUST

  • WANTS HIS TOY BACK.

  • BECAUSE TWITTER LOCKED THE PRESIDENT'S ACCOUNT AFTER HIS

  • RIOT ON CAPITOL HILL.

  • GOOD TO KNOW TWITTER IS FINALLY TREATING A VIOLENCE-INCITING

  • FASCIST AS HARSHLY AS A TEENAGER WHO USED SEVEN SECONDS OF AN

  • IMAGINE DRAGONS SONG.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BRAYDEN.

  • AFTER THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED TO POST LIES ABOUT THE ELECTION,

  • TWITTER ANNOUNCED HIS ACCOUNT WOULD BE LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS.

  • WHICH MEANS, LAST NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT HAD THE MOST BORING

  • POOPS OF HIS LIFE.

  • OVERALL, IT WAS A TOUGH DAY FOR THE PRESIDENT'S SOCIAL MEDIA

  • PRESENCE.

  • HE ALSO GOT BLOCKED FROM POSTING TO FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM

  • INDEFINITELY.

  • YOUTUBE PULLED HIS VIDEO ADDRESS TO THE RIOTERS, CITING ELECTION

  • MISINFORMATION, AND AMAZON BANNED HIM FROM ORDERING PIXIE

  • STICKS BECAUSE THEY GET HIM TOO WOUND UP BEFORE BEDTIME.

  • WHILE WE ARE ALL HOPING SOMEDAY THE PRESIDENT GETS HIS

  • COMEUPPANCE.

  • HE SEEMS DETERMINED TO KEEP HIS UPPANCE UN-COMED.

  • EARLIER TODAY WE LEARNED THE PRESIDENT HAS SUGGESTED TO AIDES

  • HE WANTS TO PARDON HIMSELF IN THE FINAL DAYS OF HIS

  • PRESIDENCY.

  • JUST WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED.

  • REMINDS ME OF THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON QUOTE, "I CHOPPED

  • DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE AND GOT AWAY WITH IT, ( BLEEP )!

  • KISS MY WOODEN BALLS!" BUT HE'S NOT BEING STINGY WITH

  • THE GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARDS.

  • REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT HAS CONSIDERED A RANGE OF PREEMPTIVE

  • PARDONS FOR DONALD JR., ERIC, IVANKA, JARED KUSHNER, AND RUDY

  • GIULIANI.

  • NOTHING FOR MELANIA, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S ALREADY SERVING

  • HARD TIME, THOUGH I'M GUESSING IT WAS PRETTY SOFT.

  • BUT WHILE THE WRITING SEEMS TO BE ON THE WALL FOR THIS

  • ADMINISTRATION, NOT EVERYONE IN CONGRESS CAN READ.

  • LIKE FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN DESPERATELY HOPING FOR A

  • "GUYS AND DOLLS" AUDITION, MATT GAETZ.

  • LAST NIGHT ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE, WHICH WAS STILL RIDDLED

  • WITH THE BROKEN GLASS OF THE PRESIDENT'S THUGS, GAETZ FLOATED

  • A STORY FROM THE "WASHINGTON TIMES" THAT A FACIAL RECOGNITION

  • COMPANY HAD SEEN THAT SOME OF THE MOB WAS REALLY ANTIFA!

  • THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.

  • WHAT'S MORE INTERESTING IS THE FACIAL RECOGNITION COMPANY SAID

  • "NO, WE DIDN'T."

  • THOUGH THEY DID SAY THEY I.D.'D SOME

  • NEO-NAZIS IN THE CROWD.

  • BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SELL THE ( BLEEP )-COVERING FANTASY THAT

  • THE RIOTERS WEREN'T REALLY THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS, YOU KNOW

  • WHAT WOULD HELP?

  • IF THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS WOULD STOP BRAGGING THAT THEY'RE

  • THE RIOTERS.

  • CASE IN POINT, THAT GUY WHO BROKE INTO THE SPEAKER OF THE

  • HOUSE'S OFFICE.

  • HIS NAME IS RICHARD "BIGO" BARNETT, AND HE'S THE LEADER

  • OF A PRO-GUN RIGHTS GROUP IN GRAVETTE, ARKANSAS.

  • HOW DO I KNOW THIS?

  • HE IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS THE INTRUDER TO A "NEW YORK TIMES"

  • REPORTER.

  • OUR SOURCE WAS THE "NEW YORK TIMES"!

  • THAT WAS PRETTY DUMB.

  • HASN'T HE EVER SEEN THE "TIMES'" MOTTO?

  • "ALL THE NEWS THAT'S ADMISSIBLE IN COURT."

  • TIME AND TIME AGAIN, PEOPLE , THESE VIOLENT IDIOTS,

  • LOOKED RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, GAVE THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION

  • AND SAID EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE UP TO.

  • >> MA'AM, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

  • >> I GOT MACED.

  • >> YOU GOT MACED.

  • WHAT HAPPENED?

  • YOU WERE TRYING TO GO INSIDE THE CAPITOL?

  • >> YEAH, I MADE IT LIKE A FOOT INSIDE AND THEY PUSHED ME OUT

  • AND THEY MACED ME.

  • >> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

  • WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

  • >> MY NAME IS ELIZABETH, I'M FROM KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE.

  • >> AND WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO IN?

  • >> WE'RE STORMING THE CAPITOL!

  • IT'S A REVOLUTION.

  • >> STEPHEN: IT'S A REVOLUTION, AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING THAT THEY

  • MACED YOU?

  • IN A REAL REVOLUTION, WHEN YOU LOSE, THEY CHOP YOUR ( BLEEP )

  • HEAD OFF!

  • AND THEN YOUR PIANO SCARF DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRAP

  • AROUND!

  • WOULDN'T THAT BE SAD?

  • IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK FAILED REVOLUTIONARY... OH,

  • WAIT, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE THEY CHOPPED THEIR ( BLEEP ) HEAD

  • OFF!

  • AND THAT'S WHERE THEY KEEP THE EARS AND THE MOUTH.

  • REALLY POOR PLANNING ON THE WHOLE HEAD THING!

  • ONE OF THE PEOPLE POSTING FROM INSIDE THE INSURRECTION WAS

  • ACTUALLY A NEWLY-ELECTED MEMBER OF THE WEST VIRGINIA HOUSE OF

  • DELEGATES.