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WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GREAT SHOWS
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COMING UP, AND WHILE WE WON'T HAVE IN-PERSON AUDIENCES FOR A
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BIT, YOU CAN CHECK OUT PAST EPISODES AND ALL OF OUR CARPOOL
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KARAOKE VIDEOS ON OUR YOUTUBE PAGE.
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AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AT “LATE
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LATE SHOW.” YOU CAN ALSO HEART ME ON
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INSTAGRAM, LINK ME ON LINKEDIN, PIN ME ON PINTEREST, SNAP ME ON
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SNAPCHAT, PLAY ME ON BANDCAMP, RUSSELL ME ON BRANDCAMP, TRACK
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MY WORKOUTS ON RUNKEEPER, CHECK OUT MY GLUTES ON BUMPEEPER, CHAT
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ME ON SLACK, RAT ME ON PACK, FLOSS ME ON PLAQUE, JACK ME ON
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BLACK, SEND ME A MESSAGE ON OUTLOOK, SEND ME A FISH ON
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TROUTHOOK, DIAGNOSE A DISEASE ON MALARIASPOT, PRETEND TO BE
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SPANISH ON HILARIA'SNOT, CLEAN ME ON DYSON, HERD ME ON BISON,
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MIKE ME ON TYSON, DADDY ME ON MY SON, DISTRACT MY KIDS ON
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DISNEY+, GET ME A DOCTOR ON KIDNEYBUST, PREP FOR THE BEACH
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ON BIKINIBODY, GIVE UP AFTER A WEEK ON LINGUINEBODY, BUY ME
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TICKETS ON STUBHUB, GET ME DINNER ON GRUBHUB, HANG OUT THE
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PASSENGER SIDE OF YOUR BEST FRIEND'S RIDE ON SCRUBHUB, SHARE
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ME A TASK ON TRELLO, PLAY ME A SONG ON CELLO, MAKE ME A MOLD ON
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JELLO, GREET ME IN COCKNEY LIK“" ELLO!”
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CYCLE ME ON PELOTON, MENDES ME ON HELLOSHAWN, CHECK OFF BOXES
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ON TO-DO-IST, TAWK WIKE A WIDDLE BABY ON GAGA-GOO-IST, TRACK MY
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FILMS ON LETTERBOXD, GREASE MY HAIR ON NEVERWASHED, KEEP UP
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WITH THE NEWS ON FLIPBOARD, KEEP UP WITH MY GAINS ON
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RIPPEDCORD, SELL ME STUFF ON SHOPIFY, GET ME
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A QUIET ROOM ON I NEED A CRY, MEDITATE WITH ME ON HEADSPACE,
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FORGET THE WORD “BAKERY” ON“ WHAT'S IT CALLED?
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BREAD PLACE?” OR, IF YOU WISH, FEEL FREE TO
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WRITE ME AN OLD-FASHIONED LETTER BY ADDRESSING IT TO TELEVISION
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CITY STUDIOS, 7800 BEVERLY BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES,
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CALIFORNIA 90036.
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ENCLOSE A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR AND ON THE LAST LINE OF THE LETTER
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WRITE, “MY DARLING JAMES, I HOPE TO SEE YOU AT THE END OF THIS
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TERRIBLE WAR,” IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT.
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I KNOW IT'S HARD TO WRITE IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT, BUT HAVING
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READ SEVERAL GOTHIC NOVELS SET IN THE AMERICAN SOUTH, I'LL KNOW
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WHAT YOU MEAN, MY SWEET JOSIAH.
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I'LL KNOW.
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WE'LL EXCHANGE LETTERS FOR A TWELVEMONTH,
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AND THEN YOUR LETTERS WILL STOP ABRUPTLY.
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NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO, I'LL CARRY ON WITH MY LIFE,
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EVENTUALLY QUITTING THE SHOW SO I CAN TEND TO THE FAMILY FARM.
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EVENTUALLY, I'LL PUBLISH A BEST- SELLING BOOK OF OUR
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CORRESPONDENCE, AND IT'LL BE ADAPTED INTO A MOVIE STARRING
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IDRIS ELBA, AND ME, JAMES CORDEN AS ME, JAMES CORDEN.
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ONE DAY, IDRIS AND I WILL BE EATING CROISSAN'WICHES ON SET
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AND HE'LL SAY, “TELL ME ABOUT JOSIAH,” AND I'LL SAY, “ALL THAT
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I KNOW OF HIM IS IN THOSE LETTERS.”
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AT THIS POINT, I'LL HEAR A VOICE FROM BEHIND ME, IN THAT DISTINCT
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SOUTHERN TWANG: “MY DARLING JAMES.”
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MY EYES WILL WELL UP IN TEARS.“ OH, MY GOD, JOSIAH!
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IT'S YOU.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY YOU.”
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AT WHICH POINT YOU'LL PUT YOUR HANDS TO MY LIPS, AND SAY “SHHH,
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JAMES...I'M SUING YOU FOR PUBLISHING MY PRIVATE
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CORRESPONDENCE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.”
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AND I'LL SAY, “YEAH.
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THAT'S FAIR.”
