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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, CITIZENS, TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WELL, FELLOW AMERICANS, THE BIG STORY TODAY-- AND WE'LL BE

  • TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE BIG SCRIPT WE HAVE HERE--

  • WILL BE THE BIG STORY FROM YESTERDAY, WHICH WAS ALSO THE

  • BIG STORY FROM LAST WEEK, WHICH IS JUST THE GRAND FINALE OF THE

  • STORY FROM THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

  • IT'S BEEN SIX DAYS SINCE MAGA TERRORISTS RANSACKED THE CAPITOL

  • BUILDING, BUT THE DANGER HAS NOT PASSED.

  • YESTERDAY, THE F.B.I. RELEASED A BULLETIN INDICATING THAT "ARMED

  • PROTESTS" ARE BEING PLANNED AT ALL 50 STATE CAPITOLS.

  • STILL WANT TO BE A STATE, PUERTO RICO?

  • THERE MIGHT BE AN OPENING SOON.

  • THE F.B.I. WARNED THAT THE ARMED PROTESTS ARE BEING PLANNED FROM

  • JANUARY 16 THROUGH AT LEAST JANUARY 20.

  • FOUR DAYS THAT'S NOT AN ANTI-GOVERNMENT

  • INSURGENCY.

  • THAT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL.

  • IT'S "COUP-CHELLA"-- WHICH IS REALLY THE ONLY PLACE IT'S

  • APPROPRIATE TO GO SHIRTLESS IN BUFFALO HORNS.

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST STATE CAPITOLS.

  • YESTERDAY, MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WERE BRIEFED ON THREE PLANNED

  • RIOTS FOR D.C.

  • THE MOST CONCERNING PLOT WOULD INVOLVE INSURRECTIONISTS FORMING

  • A PERIMETER AROUND THE CAPITOL, THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE SUPREME

  • COURT, AND THEN BLOCKING DEMOCRATS FROM ENTERING THE

  • CAPITOL-- PERHAPS EVEN KILLING THEM-- SO THAT REPUBLICANS COULD

  • TAKE CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT.

  • WHAT KIND OF PLAN IS THAT?

  • THEY'RE GOING TO KILL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, BUT AFTER THAT, IT'S

  • JUST BACK TO SEVENTH GRADE CIVICS AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO

  • NOTICE?

  • THERE'S A REASON THE FIRST ARTICLE OF THE CONSTITUTION

  • ISN'T "THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES SHALL BE

  • COMPOSED OF MEMBERS CHOSEN EVERY SECOND YEAR BY THE PEOPLE--

  • UNLESS, OF COURSE, ONE SIDE MURDERS THE OTHER SIDE, IN WHICH

  • CASE, IT'S 'GRAND THEFT AUTO' RULES."

  • AND CONGRESS DID RECEIVE SOME HELPFUL SAFETY TIPS, AS THEY

  • WERE REMINDED THAT "THE PURCHASE OF A BULLETPROOF VEST IS A

  • REIMBURSABLE EXPENSE."

  • GOOD TO KNOW.

  • SAME REASON LINCOLN GOT TO WRITE OFF THOSE THEATER TICKETS.

  • FOR ALMOST A WEEK NOW, WE'VE HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO TELL US WHAT WE

  • SAW ISN'T WHAT WE SAW, WHICH IS WHY TODAY, IT WAS REASSURING

  • TO HEAR FROM F.B.I. OFFICIAL STEVEN D'ANTUONO-- DO I HAVE

  • THAT RIGHT?

  • LET'S SAY I HAVE THAT RIGHT-- WHO MADE IT CLEAR: THE MAGA

  • MANIACS WHO TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT ARE GOING TO PAY.

  • >> THE F.B.I. HAS WORKED HAND IN HAND WITH THE UNITED STATES

  • ATTORNEY'S OFFICE AND OUR LAW ENFORCEMENT PARTNERS HERE IN

  • D.C. AND ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO ARREST AND CHARGE MULTIPLE

  • INDIVIDUALS WHO TOOK PART IN THE DESTRUCTION.

  • IN SIX DAYS, WE HAVE OPENED OVER 160 CASE FILES, AND THAT'S JUST

  • THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S AN APT METAPHOR UPON

  • THE MAGA CROWD HAS A LOT IN COMMON WITH ICEBERGS: COLD;

  • WHITE; AND WHEN THE HEAT IS ON, TEY JUST MELT BEFORE YOUR EYES.

  • IT WAS VALIDATING TO HEAR SOMEONE, ANYONE, TAKE THIS WHOLE

  • THING AS SERIOUSLY AS IT DESERVES.

  • >> TO BE CLEAR, THE BRUTALITY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WATCHED WITH

  • SOCK AND DISBELIEF ON THE 6th WOULD NOT BE TOLERATED BY

  • THE F.B.I.

  • THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE F.B.I.

  • WILL LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED IN THIS INVESTIGATION.

  • >> Stephen: SO, MAGA-HEADS WHO THOUGHT THE FEDS WERE OUT TO GET

  • YOU, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, THEY ARE NOW.

  • I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL SOON BE OCCUPYING ANOTHER FEDERAL

  • BUILDING FOR A LONG TIME.

  • THEN IT WAS TIME TO HEAR FROM ACTING U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE

  • DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, AND I'M AGAIN, MICHAEL SHERWIN.

  • AM I SAYING SHERWIN CORRECTLY?

  • SHERWIN?

  • LET'S SAY I AM.

  • SO FAR, THE MAGA MOB HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR MINOR CRIMES, LIKE

  • TRESPASSING, BUT SHERWIN TOLD US THINGS ARE GOING TO GET SERIOUS.

  • >> THE F.B.I., WORKING WITH THE U.S. ATTORNEYS' OFFICES ACROSS

  • THE COUNTRY-- AND THE CRUX OF THOSE BEING IN D.C.-- WE'RE

  • LOOKING AT SIGNIFICANT FELONY CASES TIED TO SEDITION AND

  • CONSPIRACY.

  • >> Stephen: SEDITION.

  • YOU MAGA TERRORISTS MUST BE PRETTY PROUD!

  • YOU'RE FINALLY BEING TREATED JUST LIKE THOSE GUYS WHOSE FLAG

  • YOU LOVE TO CARRY!

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT TAKING ALT-RIGHT TERRORISM SERIOUSLY?

  • THE PRESIDENT.

  • YESTERDAY, HE HAD A PHONE CALL WITH HOUSE MINORITY LEADER,

  • KEVIN McCARTHY, SEEN HERE REALIZING THAT GOD HAS CURSED

  • HIM TO BE KEVIN McCARTHY.

  • AND INSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, THE

  • PRESIDENT BLAMED STORMING THE CAPITOL ON "ANTIFA PEOPLE."

  • WHAT?

  • THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  • YOU INVITED THOSE RIOTERS TO YOUR RALLY IN WASHINGTON.

  • THEY WERE WEARING YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR HATS, WAVING YOUR FLAG, AND

  • THEY CHEERED WHEN YOU TOLD THEM TO GO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL.

  • FROM NOW ON, NEUROLOGISTS ARE GOING TO HOLD UP PICTURES LIKE

  • THIS TO STROKE VICTIMS AND SAY, "CAN YOU TELL ME WHOSE

  • SUPPORTERS THESE ARE?" AND IF THEY DON'T SAY, "THEY'RE

  • MAGA PEOPLE," YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE AWAY THEIR CAR KEYS.

  • THIS ANTIFA EXCUSE IS SO RIDICULOUS THAT EVEN THE

  • NORMALLY SPINE-FREE ZONE OF KEVIN McCARTHY PUSHED BACK,

  • SAYING, "IT'S NOT ANTIFA.

  • IT'S MAGA.

  • I KNOW.

  • I WAS THERE."

  • FINDING OUT THIS LATE IN THE GAME

  • THAT KEVIN McCARTHY HAS THE ABILITY TO NAME REALITY IN THE

  • FACE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LIES IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT TOM HANKS

  • IN "CASTAWAY" HAD A BOAT THE WHOLE TIME.

  • WHY DIDN'T YOU USE IT BEFORE, YOU IDIOT?

  • DID WILSON STOP YOU?

  • YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH HELEN HUNT!

  • SHE SEEMS VERY NICE.

  • NOW, ON THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER, McCARTHY TOLD POTUS HE

  • SHOULD CALL JOE BIDEN, MEET WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, AND FOLLOW

  • TRADITION AND LEAVE A WELCOME LETTER IN THE RESOLUTE DESK FOR

  • HIS SUCCESSOR.

  • WELL, WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE

  • PRESIDENT'S WELCOME LETTER.

  • "IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE DEOCRACY AGAIN, LEAVE A

  • WHEELBARROW OF CHICKEN NUGGETS WITH THE CONCIERGE AT MY HOTEL."

  • NOW, PROTECTING THE COUNTRY FROM ITS DERANGED RULER MIGHT COME

  • DOWN TO VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE AT ONE OF THE

  • PRESIDENT'S "WHO SHOULD YOU MURDER NEXT" RALLIES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

  • PASSED A RESOLUTION TODAY ASKING PENCE TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT

  • USING THE 25th AMENDMENT.

  • AND YOU'D THINK PENCE WOULD BE INTO THE IDEA, CONSIDERING THE

  • WHOLE "HANG HIM" THING.

  • BUT YOU WOULD BE DEAD WRONG, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, AFTER DAYS OF

  • SILENCE, THE PRESIDENT AND MIKE PENCE SPOKE FOR THE FIRST TIME,

  • MEETING IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AND AGREED THAT THOSE WHO BROKE THE

  • LAW AND STORMED THE CAPITOL LAST WEEK DO NOT REPRESENT THEIR

  • POLICY OF AMERICA FIRST.

  • OF COURSE THIS MOB VIOLENCE WASN'T AMERICA FIRST.

  • IT WAS IN GERMANY FIRST.

  • SO, APPARENTLY, IT'S ALL WATER UNDER THE GALLOWS NOW.

  • I CANNOT FATHOM THIS TYPE OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE LOYALTY.

  • BUT I GUESS IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE REWARD: MIKE WAS NAMED WHITE

  • HOUSE EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK!

  • IT COMES WITH A $10 COUPON TO SUBWAY AND INSTRUCTIONS TO THE

  • MOB SO THEY CAN CATCH MIKE PENCE AT SUBWAY.

  • WITH THE 25th AMENDMENT OPTION OFF THE TABLE, HOUSE DEMOCRATS

  • ARE SET TO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT.

  • I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN OUR "BACK BY UNPOPULAR

  • DEMAND" SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE

  • FURIOUS."

  • >> THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

  • >> Stephen: EVEN THOUGH THEIR OWN LIVES WERE THREATENED BY THE

  • COUP THAT THE PRESIDENT INSTIGATED, ONLY A HANDFUL OF

  • REPUBLICANS HAVE BACKED REMOVING HIM FROM OFFICE.

  • THE REST ARE SAYING, "OH, THERE'S ONLY SEVEN DAYS LEFT."

  • MAY I REMIND YOU, SEVEN DAYS IS A LONG TIME WHEN YOU LET A

  • LUNATIC BE THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.

  • IF A GRIZZLY BEAR SHOWS UP AT A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU

  • DON'T SAY, "THERE'S ONLY 45 MINUTES LEFT, LET'S JUST RUN

  • OUT THE CLOCK WHILE HE GNAWS ON TYLER."

  • MAKE YOURSELF BIGGER, TYLER!

  • IT FRIGHTENS THEM!

  • ONE FORMER SENATE AIDE EXPLAINED THAT, FOR REPUBLICANS, HOLDING

  • THE PRESIDENT ACCOUNTABLE IS "STILL POLITICALLY PROBLEMATIC."

  • YES, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS DESPERATELY NEED THE PRESIDENT'S

  • SUPPORTERS TO LIKE THEM!

  • I MEAN, THEIR HANDS ARE TIED!

  • ALMOST LITERALLY.

  • THE G.O.P. HAS NEW TALKING POINTS FOR WHY THEY THINK

  • REMOVING THE PRESIDENT IS THE WRONG MOVE:

  • >> LET'S TRY TO COME TOGETHER.

  • >> I THINK THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO AS LEADERS IN

  • AMERICA IS LOWER THE TEMPERATURE AND TRY TO COME TOGETHER.

  • >> I THINK WE NEED TO LOWER THE RHETORIC.

  • WE NEED TO GET SOME UNITY GOING.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S UNIFY IN PUNISHING ALL THE

  • INSURRECTIONISTS AND THEIR POLITICAL LEADERS WHO

  • LEGITIMIZED THEIR HOMICIDAL FANTASIES.

  • THERE CAN BE NO HEALING UNTIL THE SICKNESS IS IDENTIFIED AND

  • REMOVED.

  • AND YOU CAN DO IT NOW!

  • THE TUMOR LOST HIS TWITTER FEED!

  • BECAUSE UNITY'S GREAT!

  • I'M ALL FOR UNITY.

  • SO, REPUBLICANS, WHAT'S YOUR OUTREACH TO THE OTHER SIDE?

  • YOU GOT TO ANTE UP.

  • YOU DON'T GET TO STAY IN THE GAME IF YOU DON'T TOSS IN A CHIP

  • OF GOOD FAITH.

  • THE OTHER SIDE IS GOING TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN BY

  • GETTING RID OF THE GUY WHO CAUSED IT.

  • WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO HELP?

  • BECAUSE, SO FAR, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING.

  • THEY WERE SIMPLY CERTIFYING A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION-- AN

  • ELECTION THAT YOU KNEW WAS FREE AND FAIR-- BUT YOU LIED ABOUT IT

  • ANYWAY, BECAUSE YOU WANTED CAMPAIGN CASH AND EYEBALLS AND,

  • YOU WERE AFRAID TO MAKE YOUR BOSS AND HIS MAGA MONSTER MAD.

  • YOUR LIES LEGITIMIZED THE FANTASIES OF A VIOLENT,

  • ANTI-DEMOCRATIC MOB THAT NEARLY GOT YOU AND YOUR COLLEAGUES

  • KILLED, AND DID GET A POLICEMAN MURDERED.

  • NOW YOU WANT TO USE YOUR HOLLOW CALLS FOR UNITY TO SWEEP IT ALL

  • UNDER THE RUG?

  • WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, BROTHER, BECAUSE THE RIOTERS

  • ALSO POOPED ON YOUR RUGS.

  • NOW, AS THE PRESS CONFERENCE MADE CLEAR TODAY, THE FEDS ARE

  • ARRESTING MEMBERS OF THE MAGA-WAFFEN IN LARGE NUMBERS.

  • TO DO SO, THE F.B.I. HAS STREAMLINED THE PROCESS.

  • THEY'VE GIVEN ALL THEIR FIELD OFFICES A LIST OF QUESTIONS TO

  • ASK ALL POTENTIAL SUSPECTS.

  • IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE STUFF LIKE, "WERE YOU IN WASHINGTON ON THE

  • AFTERNOON OF JANUARY 6?" "DO YOU BELIEVE THE U.S.

  • PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS STOLEN?"

  • AND "WHO DID YOU ROOT FOR?

  • INDIANA JONES OR THE MELTING-FACE NAZI GUY?"

  • NOW, WITH THE HELP OF ONLINE DETECTIVES, THE F.B.I. IS SLOWLY

  • BUT SURELY TRACKING THESE PEOPLE DOWN AND ARRESTING THEM.

  • CASE IN POINT, THIS JACK-HOLE IN THE VIKING HAT IS NAMED JAKE

  • ANGELI.

  • HOW DO WE KNOW THAT'S HIS NAME?

  • WELL, AMONG OTHER REASONS, ANGELI ACTUALLY CALED THE

  • F.B.I. HIMSELF TO ACKNOWLEDGE HE WAS THE PERSON IN PHOTOGRAPHS

  • OF THE RIOT AND TOLD A REPORTER HE WAS NOT AFRAID OF ARREST.

  • WHY DOES HE THINK HE CAN CALL THE F.B.I. AND JUST EXPLAIN AWAY

  • HIS CRIME?

  • WHITE PRIVILEGEOH, THANK YOU, "LATE SHOW"

  • CHOIR.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ANGELI-- A.K.A. THE QANON

  • SHAMAN-- WENT ON TO EXPLAIN, "AND EVEN IF I WAS ARRESTED,

  • WASN'T GANDHI ARRESTED A LOT?

  • WASN'T MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. ARRESTED A LOT?

  • WASN'T JESUS ARRESTED?" YES, FOR NON-VIOLENT PROTEST--

  • KIND OF THEIR THING.

  • JESUS NEVER SAID, "LET HE WHOSE CANDIDATE DID NOT WIN CAST THE

  • FIRST STONE.

  • AND THE SECOND.

  • AND THE THIRD.

  • HANG MIKE PENCE!" SINCE HIS ARREST, ANGELI, A

  • FAILED ACTOR WHO LIVES WITH HIS MOM, HAS GONE ON A HUNGER

  • STRIKE-ISH.

  • HE "WON'T EAT IN JAIL BECAUSE HE NEEDS 'ORGANIC FOOD.'"

  • SO, YOU'VE JUST BEEN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE

  • GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN A VIOLENT COUP THAT KILLED

  • FIVE PEOPLE, AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MENU?

  • WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?

  • WHITE PRIVILEGETHANK YOU.

  • "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER.

  • I ORDERED THE ORGANIC SPINACH FRITATTA WITH WHEAT TOAST, AND I

  • GOT EXPIRED HAM ON WONDER BREAD.

  • I AM TELLING YOU-- THIS IS A WARNING-- I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS

  • PRISON ZERO STARS.

  • OKAY, NOW I'M BEING STABBED IN THE RIBS.

  • THAT SHIV BETTER BE GLUTEN-FREE!"

  • NOW, BRACE YOURSELF: A JUDGE HAS RULED IN ANGELI'S FAVOR,

  • WE'VE LEARNED THAT THE SHAMAN WILL GET HIS ORGANIC FOOD.

  • WELL, THAT'S JUST STANDARD.

  • WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT THE ANONYMOUS FEDERAL AGENTS SAID

  • THIS SUMMER WHILE SHOVING PROTESTERS INTO UNMARKED VANS:

  • >> WOULD YOU LIKE THE CHICKEN OR THE FISH!

  • CHICKEN OR THE FISH?!

  • NOW!

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • THE FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE F.B.I., JAMES COMEY, IS HERE.

  • STICK AROUND.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, CITIZENS, TO "A LATE SHOW."

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