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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, CITIZENS, TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WELL, FELLOW AMERICANS, THE BIG STORY TODAY-- AND WE'LL BE

  • TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE BIG SCRIPT WE HAVE HERE--

  • WILL BE THE BIG STORY FROM YESTERDAY, WHICH WAS ALSO THE

  • BIG STORY FROM LAST WEEK, WHICH IS JUST THE GRAND FINALE OF THE

  • STORY FROM THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

  • IT'S BEEN SIX DAYS SINCE MAGA TERRORISTS RANSACKED THE CAPITOL

  • BUILDING, BUT THE DANGER HAS NOT PASSED.

  • YESTERDAY, THE F.B.I. RELEASED A BULLETIN INDICATING THAT "ARMED

  • PROTESTS" ARE BEING PLANNED AT ALL 50 STATE CAPITOLS.

  • STILL WANT TO BE A STATE, PUERTO RICO?

  • THERE MIGHT BE AN OPENING SOON.

  • THE F.B.I. WARNED THAT THE ARMED PROTESTS ARE BEING PLANNED FROM

  • JANUARY 16 THROUGH AT LEAST JANUARY 20.

  • FOUR DAYS THAT'S NOT AN ANTI-GOVERNMENT

  • INSURGENCY.

  • THAT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL.

  • IT'S "COUP-CHELLA"-- WHICH IS REALLY THE ONLY PLACE IT'S

  • APPROPRIATE TO GO SHIRTLESS IN BUFFALO HORNS.

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST STATE CAPITOLS.

  • YESTERDAY, MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WERE BRIEFED ON THREE PLANNED

  • RIOTS FOR D.C.

  • THE MOST CONCERNING PLOT WOULD INVOLVE INSURRECTIONISTS FORMING

  • A PERIMETER AROUND THE CAPITOL, THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE SUPREME

  • COURT, AND THEN BLOCKING DEMOCRATS FROM ENTERING THE

  • CAPITOL-- PERHAPS EVEN KILLING THEM-- SO THAT REPUBLICANS COULD

  • TAKE CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT.

  • WHAT KIND OF PLAN IS THAT?

  • THEY'RE GOING TO KILL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, BUT AFTER THAT, IT'S

  • JUST BACK TO SEVENTH GRADE CIVICS AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO

  • NOTICE?

  • THERE'S A REASON THE FIRST ARTICLE OF THE CONSTITUTION

  • ISN'T "THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES SHALL BE

  • COMPOSED OF MEMBERS CHOSEN EVERY SECOND YEAR BY THE PEOPLE--

  • UNLESS, OF COURSE, ONE SIDE MURDERS THE OTHER SIDE, IN WHICH

  • CASE, IT'S 'GRAND THEFT AUTO' RULES."

  • AND CONGRESS DID RECEIVE SOME HELPFUL SAFETY TIPS, AS THEY

  • WERE REMINDED THAT "THE PURCHASE OF A BULLETPROOF VEST IS A

  • REIMBURSABLE EXPENSE."

  • GOOD TO KNOW.

  • SAME REASON LINCOLN GOT TO WRITE OFF THOSE THEATER TICKETS.

  • FOR ALMOST A WEEK NOW, WE'VE HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO TELL US WHAT WE

  • SAW ISN'T WHAT WE SAW, WHICH IS WHY TODAY, IT WAS REASSURING

  • TO HEAR FROM F.B.I. OFFICIAL STEVEN D'ANTUONO-- DO I HAVE

  • THAT RIGHT?

  • LET'S SAY I HAVE THAT RIGHT-- WHO MADE IT CLEAR: THE MAGA

  • MANIACS WHO TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT ARE GOING TO PAY.

  • >> THE F.B.I. HAS WORKED HAND IN HAND WITH THE UNITED STATES

  • ATTORNEY'S OFFICE AND OUR LAW ENFORCEMENT PARTNERS HERE IN

  • D.C. AND ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO ARREST AND CHARGE MULTIPLE

  • INDIVIDUALS WHO TOOK PART IN THE DESTRUCTION.

  • IN SIX DAYS, WE HAVE OPENED OVER 160 CASE FILES, AND THAT'S JUST

  • THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S AN APT METAPHOR UPON

  • THE MAGA CROWD HAS A LOT IN COMMON WITH ICEBERGS: COLD;

  • WHITE; AND WHEN THE HEAT IS ON, TEY JUST MELT BEFORE YOUR EYES.

  • IT WAS VALIDATING TO HEAR SOMEONE, ANYONE, TAKE THIS WHOLE

  • THING AS SERIOUSLY AS IT DESERVES.

  • >> TO BE CLEAR, THE BRUTALITY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WATCHED WITH

  • SOCK AND DISBELIEF ON THE 6th WOULD NOT BE TOLERATED BY

  • THE F.B.I.

  • THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE F.B.I.

  • WILL LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED IN THIS INVESTIGATION.

  • >> Stephen: SO, MAGA-HEADS WHO THOUGHT THE FEDS WERE OUT TO GET

  • YOU, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, THEY ARE NOW.

  • I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL SOON BE OCCUPYING ANOTHER FEDERAL

  • BUILDING FOR A LONG TIME.

  • THEN IT WAS TIME TO HEAR FROM ACTING U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE

  • DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, AND I'M AGAIN, MICHAEL SHERWIN.

  • AM I SAYING SHERWIN CORRECTLY?

  • SHERWIN?

  • LET'S SAY I AM.

  • SO FAR, THE MAGA MOB HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR MINOR CRIMES, LIKE

  • TRESPASSING, BUT SHERWIN TOLD US THINGS ARE GOING TO GET SERIOUS.

  • >> THE F.B.I., WORKING WITH THE U.S. ATTORNEYS' OFFICES ACROSS

  • THE COUNTRY-- AND THE CRUX OF THOSE BEING IN D.C.-- WE'RE

  • LOOKING AT SIGNIFICANT FELONY CASES TIED TO SEDITION AND

  • CONSPIRACY.

  • >> Stephen: SEDITION.

  • YOU MAGA TERRORISTS MUST BE PRETTY PROUD!

  • YOU'RE FINALLY BEING TREATED JUST LIKE THOSE GUYS WHOSE FLAG

  • YOU LOVE TO CARRY!

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT TAKING ALT-RIGHT TERRORISM SERIOUSLY?

  • THE PRESIDENT.

  • YESTERDAY, HE HAD A PHONE CALL WITH HOUSE MINORITY LEADER,

  • KEVIN McCARTHY, SEEN HERE REALIZING THAT GOD HAS CURSED

  • HIM TO BE KEVIN McCARTHY.

  • AND INSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, THE

  • PRESIDENT BLAMED STORMING THE CAPITOL ON "ANTIFA PEOPLE."

  • WHAT?

  • THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  • YOU INVITED THOSE RIOTERS TO YOUR RALLY IN WASHINGTON.

  • THEY WERE WEARING YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR HATS, WAVING YOUR FLAG, AND

  • THEY CHEERED WHEN YOU TOLD THEM TO GO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL.

  • FROM NOW ON, NEUROLOGISTS ARE GOING TO HOLD UP PICTURES LIKE

  • THIS TO STROKE VICTIMS AND SAY, "CAN YOU TELL ME WHOSE

  • SUPPORTERS THESE ARE?" AND IF THEY DON'T SAY, "THEY'RE

  • MAGA PEOPLE," YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE AWAY THEIR CAR KEYS.

  • THIS ANTIFA EXCUSE IS SO RIDICULOUS THAT EVEN THE

  • NORMALLY SPINE-FREE ZONE OF KEVIN McCARTHY PUSHED BACK,

  • SAYING, "IT'S NOT ANTIFA.

  • IT'S MAGA.

  • I KNOW.

  • I WAS THERE."

  • FINDING OUT THIS LATE IN THE GAME

  • THAT KEVIN McCARTHY HAS THE ABILITY TO NAME REALITY IN THE

  • FACE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LIES IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT TOM HANKS

  • IN "CASTAWAY" HAD A BOAT THE WHOLE TIME.

  • WHY DIDN'T YOU USE IT BEFORE, YOU IDIOT?

  • DID WILSON STOP YOU?

  • YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH HELEN HUNT!

  • SHE SEEMS VERY NICE.

  • NOW, ON THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER, McCARTHY TOLD POTUS HE

  • SHOULD CALL JOE BIDEN, MEET WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, AND FOLLOW

  • TRADITION AND LEAVE A WELCOME LETTER IN THE RESOLUTE DESK FOR

  • HIS SUCCESSOR.

  • WELL, WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE

  • PRESIDENT'S WELCOME LETTER.

  • "IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE DEOCRACY AGAIN, LEAVE A

  • WHEELBARROW OF CHICKEN NUGGETS WITH THE CONCIERGE AT MY HOTEL."

  • NOW, PROTECTING THE COUNTRY FROM ITS DERANGED RULER MIGHT COME

  • DOWN TO VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE AT ONE OF THE

  • PRESIDENT'S "WHO SHOULD YOU MURDER NEXT" RALLIES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

  • PASSED A RESOLUTION TODAY ASKING PENCE TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT

  • USING THE 25th AMENDMENT.

  • AND YOU'D THINK PENCE WOULD BE INTO THE IDEA, CONSIDERING THE

  • WHOLE "HANG HIM" THING.

  • BUT YOU WOULD BE DEAD WRONG, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, AFTER DAYS OF

  • SILENCE, THE PRESIDENT AND MIKE PENCE SPOKE FOR THE FIRST TIME,

  • MEETING IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AND AGREED THAT THOSE WHO BROKE THE

  • LAW AND STORMED THE CAPITOL LAST WEEK DO NOT REPRESENT THEIR

  • POLICY OF AMERICA FIRST.

  • OF COURSE THIS MOB VIOLENCE WASN'T AMERICA FIRST.

  • IT WAS IN GERMANY FIRST.

  • SO, APPARENTLY, IT'S ALL WATER UNDER THE GALLOWS NOW.

  • I CANNOT FATHOM THIS TYPE OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE LOYALTY.

  • BUT I GUESS IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE REWARD: MIKE WAS NAMED WHITE

  • HOUSE EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK!

  • IT COMES WITH A $10 COUPON TO SUBWAY AND INSTRUCTIONS TO THE

  • MOB SO THEY CAN CATCH MIKE PENCE AT SUBWAY.

  • WITH THE 25th AMENDMENT OPTION OFF THE TABLE, HOUSE DEMOCRATS

  • ARE SET TO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT.

  • I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN OUR "BACK BY UNPOPULAR

  • DEMAND" SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE

  • FURIOUS."

  • >> THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

  • >> Stephen: EVEN THOUGH THEIR OWN LIVES WERE THREATENED BY THE

  • COUP THAT THE PRESIDENT INSTIGATED, ONLY A HANDFUL OF

  • REPUBLICANS HAVE BACKED REMOVING HIM FROM OFFICE.

  • THE REST ARE SAYING, "OH, THERE'S ONLY SEVEN DAYS LEFT."

  • MAY I REMIND YOU, SEVEN DAYS IS A LONG TIME WHEN YOU LET A

  • LUNATIC BE THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.

  • IF A GRIZZLY BEAR SHOWS UP AT A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU

  • DON'T SAY, "THERE'S ONLY 45 MINUTES LEFT, LET'S JUST RUN

  • OUT THE CLOCK WHILE HE GNAWS ON TYLER."

  • MAKE YOURSELF BIGGER, TYLER!

  • IT FRIGHTENS THEM!

  • ONE FORMER SENATE AIDE EXPLAINED THAT, FOR REPUBLICANS, HOLDING

  • THE PRESIDENT ACCOUNTABLE IS "STILL POLITICALLY PROBLEMATIC."

  • YES, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS DESPERATELY NEED THE PRESIDENT'S

  • SUPPORTERS TO LIKE THEM!

  • I MEAN, THEIR HANDS ARE TIED!

  • ALMOST LITERALLY.

  • THE G.O.P. HAS NEW TALKING POINTS FOR WHY THEY THINK

  • REMOVING THE PRESIDENT IS THE WRONG MOVE:

  • >> LET'S TRY TO COME TOGETHER.

  • >> I THINK THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO AS LEADERS IN

  • AMERICA IS LOWER THE TEMPERATURE AND TRY TO COME TOGETHER.

  • >> I THINK WE NEED TO LOWER THE RHETORIC.

  • WE NEED TO GET SOME UNITY GOING.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S UNIFY IN PUNISHING ALL THE