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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY?

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE EVENTS AT THE CAPITOL LAST WEDNESDAY, I

  • WAS MORE UPSET THAN I CAN EVER REMEMBER.

  • I THINK I SAID SO ON AIR, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME

  • SENSE, WHAT ABOUT 9/11, STEPHEN?

  • WELL, YEAH, THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE DAY IN AMERICA'S

  • HISTORY, BUT I WANT TO POINT OUT NO AMERICANS WERE CHEERING TORE

  • THE TERRORISTS BACK THEN, NO ONE WAS MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE

  • TERRORISTS, NO ONE WAS PRETENDING THEY WEREN'T

  • TERRITORIES.

  • AND NOW THAT WE'VE HAD TIME TO LEARN MORE AND SEE MORE OF WHAT

  • HAPPENED ON THAT TERRIBLE DAY LAST WEEK, ALL I CAN THINK IS,

  • OH, STEPHEN FROM LAST WEEK, YOU SWEET, NAIVE CHILD, HOW COULD

  • YOU HAVE BEEN SO CALM?

  • BECAUSE THIS ATTACK WAS FAR WORSE THAN IT FIRST LOOKED.

  • THE TERRORISTS WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL WEREN'T JUST A BUNCH

  • OFIA HOOSE FED A STEADY DIET OF LIES, FAKE JUICE AND MONSTER

  • ENERGY DRINK, THIS WAS A COORDINATED AND PLANNED ATTEMPT

  • TO TERRORIZE IF NOT KILL OUR NATION'S ELECTED LEADERS.

  • AND THE PROMPTER JUST SAID, INSERT JOKE HERE.

  • CAN WE GET A JOKE IN HERE LATER?

  • JUST PUT IT IN POST.

  • THANKS.

  • BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING THOSE RIOTERS BROUGHT MORE THAN JUST

  • STUPID HATS AND PATCHY BEARDS.

  • THE CHIEF OF THE CAPITOL POLICE, WHO HAS SINCE RESIGNED, WAS

  • SHOCKED BY WHAT HE SAW, TELLING THE "WASHINGTON POST:"

  • "THEY CAME WITH RIOT HELMETS, GAS MASKS, SHIELDS, PEPPER

  • SPRAY, FIREWORKS, CLIMBING GEAR.

  • CLIMBING GEAR!

  • EXPLOSIVES, METAL PIPES, BASEBALL BATS."

  • HOLY DICK'S SPORTING GOODS.

  • MEANWHILE, AT THE GEORGE FLOYD PROTESTS, THEY WOULDN'T LET

  • YOU BRING A HOAGIE BECAUSE IT MIGHT'VE MADE THE POLICE HANGRY.

  • BUT WAIT, THERE'S WORSE!

  • HERE'S A FOR-SOME-REASON UNDER-REPORTED DETAIL:

  • PIPE BOMBS WERE FOUND AT BOTH THE D.N.C. AND R.N.C. BUILDINGS,

  • WHICH THE FORMER CAPITOL POLICE CHIEF NOW SUSPECTS WERE AN

  • INTENTIONAL EFFORT TO DRAW OFFICERS AWAY FROM THE CAPITOL

  • PERIMETER.

  • THAT'S SOME PROFESSIONAL-LEVEL INSURGENCY TACTICS, COMMITTED BY

  • HOMEGROWN TERRORISTS ON A JUGHEAD JIHAD.

  • THEY'RE YEE-HAWDIS!

  • TO UNDERSTAND THE HORROR THAT WAS PERPETRATED IN OUR CAPITOL

  • BUILDING, JUST LOOK AT GRAPHIC MOMENTS LIKE THESE, WHERE

  • RIOTERS NEARLY CRUSHED AN OFFICER TO DEATH IN A DOORWAY,

  • AND GRABBED ANOTHER OFFICER, DRAGGED HIM DOWN THE STEPS, AND

  • PROCEEDED TO BEAT HIM WITH POLES BEARING THE AMERICAN FLAG, WHILE

  • CHANTING "USA!" SO IT'S HARD TO PIN DOWN WHAT

  • THESE IDIOTS BELIEVE IN.

  • BLACK LIVES MATTER?

  • OH, NO.

  • BLUE LIVES MATTER?

  • YES, BUT ONLY IF WE'RE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING TO MURDER THEM

  • WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES.

  • IT COULD'VE BEEN EVEN WORSE.

  • ANOTHER TERRORIST WAS ARRESTED AFTER AUTHORITIES SEARCHED HIS

  • CAR AND FOUND 11 MOLOTOV COCKTAILS.

  • IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO CALL THESE PEOPLE TERRORISTS,

  • CONSIDER THIS-- YOU'RE WRONG.

  • ACCORDING TO G.O.P. CONGRESSMAN PETER MEYER, SOME REPUBLICANS

  • "KNEW IN THEIR HEART OF HEARTS THAT THEY SHOULD'VE VOTED TO

  • CERTIFY BIDEN'S WIN, BUT SOME HAD LEGITIMATE CONCERNS ABOUT

  • THE SAFETY OF THEIR FAMILIES."

  • THEY CAPITULATED TO ARMED, VIOLENT EXTREMISTS.

  • THAT'S THE G.O.P.'S NEW MOTTO: "WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH

  • TERRORISTS-- WE JUST GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT."

  • NO SURPRISE, THE PEOPLE WHO SURVIVED THIS VIOLENT ATTACK ARE

  • A LITTLE CRANKY.

  • THIS MORNING, HOUSE DEMOCRATS FORMALLY INTRODUCED AN ARTICLE

  • OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT.

  • SO IT'S TIME FOR OUR HOPED-I'D-NEVER-SEE-SEQUEL:

  • "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."

  • >> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN!

  • ( GROWLING ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE

  • SAYING, "WHY BOTHER?

  • HE'S ONLY GOT NINE DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE."

  • TO THEM I REPLY, "HE'S GOT NINE DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE!"

  • YOU CAN DO A LOT IN NINE DAYS.

  • IT'S ENOUGH TO CREATE THE UNIVERSE, AND THEN TAKE A

  • THREE-DAY WEEKEND.

  • FOR PETE'S SAKE, SIX DAYS AGO, THE PRESIDENT HADN'T INSPIRED

  • MURDER IN THE CAPITOL.

  • MIGHT'VE BEEN HANDY TO HAVE IMPEACHED HIM WAY BACK THEN!

  • BUT IMPEACHMENT DOES TAKE TIME.

  • TIME DEMOCRACY MAY NOT HAVE.

  • WHICH IS WHY HOUSE DEMOCRATS INTRODUCED A RESOLUTION TODAY

  • THAT CALLS ON MIKE PENCE TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT UNDER THE

  • 25TH AMENDMENT.

  • DEMOCRATS AND MIKE PENCE MIGHT MAKE STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, BUT AS

  • LONG AS MOTHER'S IN THE ROOM, IT'S TECHNICALLY ALLOWED.

  • IT'S KOSHER.

  • I MEAN, IT'S NOT KOSHER, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.

  • SO FAR, PENCE APPEARS TO HAVE LITTLE APPETITE FOR GOING

  • FORWARD WITH THAT.

  • OKAY, HOW DO WE INCREASE HIS APPETITE?

  • HAVE THEY TRIED SLATHERING THE 25TH AMENDMENT WITH MAYO, AND

  • SLAPPING IT BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF WONDERBREAD?

  • YOU'D THINK PENCE WOULD BE MORE INTO THE IDEA, CONSIDERING WHAT

  • THE RIOTERS WERE CHANTING: >> HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • >> HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • >> HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • >> HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • >> STEPHEN: WHAT PART OF "HANG MIKE PENCE" DOES MIKE

  • PENCE NOT UNDERSTAND?

  • IT'S HIS NAME AND ONE VERB!

  • EITHER MIKE PENCE IS UNBELIEVABLY FORGIVING OR HE

  • JUST GETS OFF ON EROTIC ASPHYXIATION.

  • EITHER WAY, HE'S LIVING UP TO THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF NATHAN

  • HALE: "I REGRET I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO

  • GIVE FOR THE PRESIDENT WHO WANTS HIS FOLLOWERS TO MURDER ME."

  • BY THE WAY, CROWD, IF YOU'RE GOING TO HANG MIKE PENCE, YOU'VE

  • GOT TO CATCH HIM FIRST!

  • BUT THE VEEP HASN'T ENTIRELY RULED OUT INVOKING THE 25TH.

  • REPORTEDLY, PENCE WANTS TO PRESERVE THE OPTION IN CASE THE

  • PRESIDENT BECOMES MORE UNSTABLE.

  • "MORE UNSTABLE?" REALLY?

  • "UH, MR. DAHMER, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH YOUR FREEZER, AND WE ARE

  • DISTURBED BY WHAT WE FOUND.

  • I'M LETTING YOU OFF WITH A WARNING THIS TIME, BUT IF WE SEE

  • ANY SIGNS THAT YOU'RE FEELING SNACKY, THERE WILL BE

  • SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES.

  • ANYWAY, SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR DINNER."

  • PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY REPUBLICAN LOOKING TO GIVE THE PRESIDENT A

  • PASS.

  • SO IS HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN POINTING TO WHERE HIS BALLS

  • USED TO BE, KEVIN MCCARTHY.

  • ON FRIDAY, MCCARTHY ARGUED, "IMPEACHING THE PRESIDENT WITH

  • JUST 12 DAYS LEFT IN HIS TERM WILL ONLY DIVIDE OUR COUNTRY

  • MORE."

  • WELL, MAYBE OUR COUNTRY NEEDS TO BE DIVIDED.

  • BY PRISON GLASS.

  • WE CAN STILL TALK, KEVIN, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO PICK UP

  • THE LITTLE PHONE.

  • WHAT KEV NEEDS TO REALIZE, IS THAT IF YOU FLIRT WITH FASCISM

  • LONG ENOUGH, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE MARRIED WITH TWO

  • KIDS, ADOLF AND BENITO.

  • AND HEY, ALL YOU HAND-WRINGING HYPOCRITES: EVERYONE WANTS THE

  • UNITED STATES UNITED.

  • IT'S KIND OF OUR THING.

  • YOU KNOW, ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE.

  • BUT SPEAKING OF GOD, WHAT I LEARNED IN SUNDAY SCHOOL IS THAT

  • IN ORDER FOR THERE TO BE RECONCILIATION, THERE MUST FIRST

  • BE REPENTANCE.

  • IT'S WHY YOU DON'T BEGIN CONFESSION WITH, "BLESS ME,

  • FATHER, I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG, ANTIFA COVETED MY NEIGHBOR'S

  • WIFE."

  • WHO COULD BLAME HIM?

  • LOOK AT THE CAN ON HER.

  • ANOTHER REPUBLICAN DEEP IN DENIAL IS MISSOURI SENATOR AND

  • MAN WITH RESTING JOKER FACE ROY BLUNT.

  • YESTERDAY, BLUNT WAS ON THE NATION FACE, AND EXPLAINED WE

  • DON'T NEED TO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE'S LEARNED

  • HIS LESSON.

  • >> NOW, MY PERSONAL VIEW IS THAT THE PRESIDENT TOUCHED THE HOT

  • STOVE ON WEDNESDAY AND IS UNLIKELY TO TOUCH IT AGAIN.

  • >> STEPHEN: UNLIKELY!

  • "I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THERE'S NO CHANCE THAT HE WILL USE A

  • PERSONAL ARMY OF PARAMILITARY TERRORISTS TO OVERTHROW

  • THE GOVERNMENT.

  • BUT YOU KNOW, 60-40.

  • LET'S ROLL THE DICE TOGETHER!

  • COME ON, DADDY NEEDS A PANIC ROOM UNDER THE ROTUNDA!"

  • SNAKE EYES!

  • AND BY THE WAY, HE'S "UNLIKELY TO TOUCH THE HOT STOVE AGAIN?"

  • THE PRESIDENT ISN'T EXACTLY FAMOUS FOR NOT TOUCHING THINGS

  • HE SHOULDN'T.

  • MAY I REMIND YOU, ROY BOY: THE POTUS DIDN'T JUST INCITE A

  • CROWD TO RIOT, THE PRESIDENT WAS DEEPLY INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING

  • OF THE RALLY, SENDING MULTIPLE TWEETS ENCOURAGING HIS FOLLOWERS

  • TO COME TO WASHINGTON ON JANUARY 6, AND PROMISING "BE THERE, WILL

  • BE WILD!" HE DIDN'T TOUCH THE STOVE.