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  • -Welcome back, everybody. You know it can be hard

  • to make big life decisions, and sometimes

  • we could all use a little help.

  • With that in mind, it's time for "Life Coach with Bill Burr."

  • ♪♪

  • -♪ Life Coach with Bill Burr

  • -Wow. I love that.

  • Life Coach

  • I'm joined now by life coach Bill Burr.

  • Thank you for being here, Bill.

  • -That might be the height of the segment, that little song.

  • -[ Laughs ] No, no. So, here's what --

  • Let me explain what we did. We had viewers

  • send in some questions that they need your coaching on.

  • And I'd love for you to give some tough advice.

  • -That's right. If you can't afford a professional,

  • ask someone with no degree.

  • Let's do it. -[ Laughs ]

  • Here we go. The first one says...

  • -Well, it's great that you love your cat

  • 'cause your boyfriend doesn't love you.

  • All right?

  • If he loved you, he would have moved in with you.

  • Or if he loved you at that level.

  • Like, if I met -- When I met my wife,

  • the woman of my dreams,

  • if she had a cat and I was allergic to it,

  • I would have figured something out.

  • I wouldn't have been like, "Listen. You're the one for me.

  • I think about you all the time. But you got a cat, so..."

  • I think he's saying he enjoys having sex with you

  • but he doesn't want to go any further.

  • So, you know. -Yeah. Wow.

  • -I hope you got a nice cat.

  • -There you go. Hey. Number two...

  • -Ohh.

  • Yeah. You don't marry the guy.

  • -Yeah. -All right?

  • And I don't even think you're in love with the guy

  • you're working with. -Yeah, me neither.

  • -I just think -- You're not in love.

  • You don't want to do this.

  • You know what the problem is, Jimmy?

  • Is they never teach you how to break up with somebody.

  • Okay? So...

  • This person has probably wanted

  • to get out of this relationship for -- What would you say?

  • At least a year, maybe two? -Yep.

  • -So what this person really needs

  • is help on how to break up.

  • So what you gotta do -- All you say is, "We need to talk."

  • And then when he sits down, just say,

  • "Look. I don't want to marry you."

  • Just get it out there.

  • Now the Band-Aid's been ripped off.

  • And whatever he's going to do, it's going to crush him.

  • It's going to break his heart.

  • But it'd be way worse if you broke his heart

  • a couple decades and a couple of kids from now.

  • You know? So just get out of it.

  • "I don't want to marry you." -Yeah. I totally agree.

  • -Bang that guy at work, but you don't love him, either.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Stop thinking that women are so precious.

  • All right? They're human beings. They're just like men.

  • They make a lot of mistakes, and they also have faults.

  • The fact that, like --

  • This dynamic when you get in a relationship

  • that women can basically say --

  • You know, anything you need to work on,

  • they're gonna bring it up, but you have to approach it

  • like the end of an action movie,

  • like, which wire can I snip so this thing doesn't blow up.

  • You got to sit there and say, "Listen.

  • You know, I'm not saying I don't love you.

  • I'm not saying I don't care about you.

  • But you sound like a dump truck full of peat moss

  • backing up every night...

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • -...and I can't get to sleep, so something's gotta give.

  • I don't want you to wear a scuba mask, you know?

  • So can I just sleep in the other room?"

  • -Yeah. Or can we get a Breathe Right strip?

  • There's things we can do.

  • -"Your snoring is as ugly as you are beautiful.

  • Honey, I have to sleep down the hall."

  • This is a great exercise, though.

  • Because there's this whole narrative out there

  • that guys are just these A-holes to their girlfr--

  • Like, every one of us.

  • And most guys are like this guy, where it's, like, you're afraid.

  • "Hey, I don't want to say anything,

  • but, you know, your mom pushed my kid

  • down the stairs the other day. I don't want to offend you."

  • It's just like --- You just -- You gotta get it out there.

  • Just say, "Listen. You are..."

  • If my wife snores, I just take my foot

  • and I slowly push her out of the bed.

  • -Okay. Here we go.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -She does it to me, too. She'll just wake me up.

  • She'll just be like, "You got to get out of here."

  • -I know. Gosh. -"Am I snoring?"

  • She's like, "Yes. Get out of here."

  • And she, like, hands me the pillow and the comforter.

  • I don't wake up the next day upset with her.

  • -[ Laughs ] No.

  • -♪ Honesty

  • -All right, first of all, you gotta address

  • the honesty of the situation. He doesn't keep forgetting.

  • What happens is you keep washing his dishes.

  • All right? And you're not calling him on his [bleep].

  • So bas-- Oh, sorry. You're not calling him on his business.

  • So I would say, you know...

  • -He forgets to wash them.

  • -Can you beat this guy up? Can you beat this guy up?

  • 'Cause if you can, you can just threaten vi--

  • You can use the threat of violence.

  • "If you don't do this, I'm gonna beat the [bleep] out of you,"

  • which for some reason you're not allowed to say that anymore

  • despite when somebody needs an ass-kicking.

  • So, Jimmy, we got go more progressive here.

  • -Yeah. Okay.

  • But leaving dishes in the sink, this is -- You threaten him?

  • -I would just start scraping the food off his plate

  • and put it in his pillow case.

  • But I'd be nice and I'd leave a Post-It.

  • I'd say, "Hey, you know,

  • you keep forgetting your food on the plate,

  • so I figured I'd put it in a place

  • where you'd remember it."

  • Don't do it and not say that you did it

  • 'cause then you're going to look like some chick

  • who keyed his car.

  • You got to let him know you did it.

  • Then when he comes out, just be like, "Listen.

  • I'm not your maid. And you're not forgetting.

  • And I'm not cleaning up after you.

  • You do it again, I'm going to take biggest plate

  • I can find that you used or I used

  • and I'm gonna smash it over your head."

  • And I hate to say that,

  • but violence is only thing that people like that understand.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The threat of violence.

  • -I want to do this all night long.

  • -This could be my new self-help book.

  • -[ Laughs ] Okay. All right. This is the last one here.

  • I just figured I'd say this because you --

  • -Out of everybody, that guy bugged me the most.

  • -Yep. Oh, really? Yeah. -Oh, yeah.

  • I lived with a guy like that.

  • -Yeah. Forget to wash them.

  • I'm bringing this up because, gosh, you have a beautiful --

  • You have two babies. You have a beautiful little 4-year-old.

  • So this one is -- It says...

  • -All right. This is what happens.

  • Sometimes when you love your kids so much,

  • you're afraid to discipline them,

  • and you're literally gotten to --

  • Like, reading that question, I understand it as a parent,

  • but also it's kind of hilarious that you're acting like

  • this 5-year-old girl can beat the crap out of you.

  • Okay? You're the parent. She's the kid.

  • You tell the kid that they have to sit there

  • until they finish their vegetables.

  • And dessert should be something that they occasionally have.

  • So you have to undo what you did,

  • which was you let this kid get away with murder.

  • The fact that that kid is throwing vegetables on the floor

  • and you're tolerating it is your own damn fault.

  • The kid's acting like it has its own sitcom series.

  • It doesn't. All right?

  • It's not paying any rent. It has no -- [ Laughs ]

  • It has no bargaining chips.

  • -The kid's not unboxing toys or anything. Nothing.

  • -Yes. Yes. It's not "Ryan's World."

  • Okay? Ryan can throw his vegetables.

  • My daughter loves that show.

  • It's one of the few times I ever lied to my daughter.

  • She goes, "Can we watch Ryan?" I go, "No, he's sleeping."

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • -Because he's sleeping in the TV.

  • And I couldn't do it. I finally just said, "Listen.

  • Daddy can only handle 20 minutes of that show. I'm sorry."

  • All right? I can watch Bugs Bunny all day long,

  • I can watch "Sesame Street." There's jokes in it for me, too.

  • All right? I actually watch "Ryan's World,"

  • and I get the fascinated with the parents,

  • their level of energy. -Yes! Me too!

  • -Like, how they sit there in a 5-, 6-year-old mind-set

  • all day long.

  • I mean, I get it. They're all making cash.

  • But, good Lord, I feel bad for them.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • -I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't want to jinx Ryan,

  • but I don't think that marriage is going to last.

  • Anyways, getting back

  • to this little kid here with the vegetables --

  • You just have to -- You're gonna have to sit

  • through some epic meltdowns

  • and you're just gonna have to make her eat the vegetables.

  • And you're doing a good thing.

  • Because this kid is going to become a fat person

  • if they're not eating vegetables

  • and other kids are going to be mean to them

  • no matter how many little positive things

  • are out there on social media.

  • That's what happens.

  • So you need to get this kid shredded

  • so the kid can go out in the world

  • and have a chance when it turns 6.

  • -Shredded. [ Laughs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I don't know. I get it.

  • Because my --

  • You know, my daughter manipulates me pretty well,

  • but not to that level of, like --

  • I have, like, a line,

  • and a kid starting to throw food on the ground,

  • that's just, like -- that's not happening.

  • -Gosh.

  • Dude, this has been unbelievable.

  • And I'm not even just saying this.

  • Unbelievable.

  • I thought the bit was going to be fun,

  • but it is beyond fun.

  • It was funny, but it's also so --

  • It was just very you.

  • I loved it. It's very smart. I really appreciate it.

  • This is fantastic for all these people.

  • They're lucky they got a life coach with Bill Burr.

  • We'll talk more with Bill later in the show.

  • -Hey. Whenever you want to do it, Jimmy, I got the time.

  • This pandemic has just opened up my schedule.

-Welcome back, everybody. You know it can be hard

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