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  • ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • JON, HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> Jon: MAN, YOU KNOW, I'M PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT

  • SURPRISED.

  • >> Stephen: NO, SAME HERE.

  • DEEPLY SADDENED.

  • DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY.

  • >> Jon: IT'S -- IT'S SOMETHING THAT I HOPE DOESN'T OVERSHADOW

  • WHAT HAPPENED IN GEORGIA.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE WERE GOING TO SPEND MOST OF LAST

  • NIGHT TALKING ABOUT THE HISTORIC, A, FLIP OF THE STATE

  • TOTALLY AND THE FACT THAT RAPHAEL WARNOCK IS THE FIRST

  • AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO REPRESENT GEORGIA EVER IN THE SENATE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) IN THE SENATE.

  • >> Jon: YES, RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: THE PASTOR OF EBENEZER BAPTIST CHURCH!

  • >> Jon: YES, THIS IS MONUMENTAL.

  • THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE OVERSHADOWED OR OVERLOOKED IN

  • ANY WAY.

  • BUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL IS SO DISHEARTENING, I JUST WANT

  • TO KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF PRIVILEGE FEELS LIKE, THE

  • AUDACITY TO NOT EVEN HIDE YOURSELF.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • WHAT IS THAT?

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY IN D.C., FROM A BIG

  • FAMILY, A LOT OF THEM IN D.C., AND A COUPLE WERE DOWN IN D.C.

  • TODAY AND THEY SENT ME BACK A PHOTOGRAPH RIGHT AT DUSK OF THE

  • CAPITOL BUILDING, ALL LIT UP IN THE BACKGROUND.

  • >> Jon: WHOO!

  • MAN...

  • >> Stephen: ALWAYS MOVING.

  • ON ANY DAY YOU COME AROUND A CORNER IN D.C. TORE THE TRAIN

  • STATION AND SEE THE CAPITOL BUILDING, IT'S VEG MOTTO SEE.

  • WHOEVER'S IN GOVERNMENT OR IN POWER, THAT SIGHT IS INCREDIBLY

  • MOVING TO SEE.

  • BUT THEY SENT ME A LITTLE NOTE TO SAY WE'RE DOWN HERE, JUST

  • WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S OKAY.

  • SHE'S DOING ALL RIGHT.

  • AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL RIGHT.

  • BUT WE'VE GOT TO KEEP THAT LOVE IN OUR HEART FOR OUR SHARED

  • VALUES, OUR SHARED LOVE OF FREEDOM, AND OUR SHARED ABILITY

  • TO SETTLE OUR GRIEVOUS BY DISAGREEING AT THE BALLOT BOX,

  • NOT WITH BULLETS.

  • >> Jon: WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES WINS, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

  • WE CAN FIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST VOTE, BUT AFTER THAT WE MOVE

  • FORWARD TOGETHER.

  • THAT'S IT.

  • THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

  • >> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC FOR THE MOMENT?

  • >> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, GEORGIA WAS SWINGIN'.

  • IT DON'T MEAN A THING.

  • ♪♪♪ ♪ IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT SWING

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE MY MIND IS AT.

  • ♪♪♪ YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

  • >> Jon: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • >> Stephen: YES, INDEED.

  • LATER ON.

  • LATER ON.

  • >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME

  • CAREFULLY SOLDERING THE MOST TOPICAL SUPER-CONDUCTIVE CIRCUIT

  • BOARDS, CRAFTING THE NEWSIEST LIGHTWEIGHT CARBON FIBER LIMBS

  • STUDYING HUMAN MOVEMENT PATTERNS, AND BALANCING

  • PRECISION INTERNAL GYROSCOPES TO CREATE THE CUTTING-EDGE

  • STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSTON DYNAMICS ROBOT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SNORT SOME BATH SALTS, BREAK IN TO AN

  • ABANDONED TOYS-R-US, DIG THROUGH THE BIN OF DEFECTIVE REJECTS,

  • AND GLUE SOME BUSTED PARTS TOGETHER TO CREATE THE DEMENTED

  • FRANKEN-FURBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • "QUARANTINEWHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A HARVARD

  • PROFESSOR HAS CLAIMED IN HIS NEW BOOK THAT ALIEN DEBRIS PASSED

  • NEAR EARTH IN 2017," AND THAT THE OBJECT ACTUALLY "COULD HAVE

  • BEEN ALIEN SPACE JUNK."

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • ALIEN GARBAGE SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

  • WHOA!

  • I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GARBAGE, BUT THAT DEFINITELY APPEARS TO

  • BE SOMEONE'S JUNK.

  • PLEASE, HAVE YOUR ALIEN SPAYED OR NEUTERED.

  • NOT COOL, ALIENS.

  • THAT IS A STRAIGHT-UP INTERSTELLAR PENIS PIC.

  • WE'RE NOT YOUR GALACTIC BOOTY CALL, OKAY?

  • REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "ARRIVAL."

  • ( GROWLING ) ( HEAVY BREATHING )

  • >> STEPHEN: THE HARVARD PROFESSOR, AVI LOEB, HERE,

  • ADDED-- AND AGAIN, HE IS A HARVARD PROFESSOR-- "WE'RE

  • PROBABLY NOT ALONE, AND MOREOVER WE'RE PROBABLY NOT THE SHARPEST

  • COOKIE IN THE JAR."

  • SO EITHER THIS GUY SHARPENS HIS COOKIES, OR HE IS NOT

  • THE BRIGHTEST BULB SHORT OF A SIX-PACK.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW BURP-CATCHING MASK FOR COWS

  • COULD SLOW DOWN CLIMATE CHANGE.

  • AND AS SOMEONE WHOSE MASK HAS BEEN CATCHING MY BURPS ALL YEAR,

  • LET ME SAY TO THE COWS IN ADVANCE-- I'M SO SORRY.

  • THE MASKS ARE DESIGNED TO REDUCE METHANE, A POWERFUL GREENHOUSE

  • GAS EMITTED BY LIVESTOCK.

  • AND SCIENTISTS SAY THE MASK HAS NO IMPACT ON THE ANIMAL'S

  • BEHAVIOR AND FEEDING.

  • YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

  • BECAUSE THAT SHINY BLACK LEATHER HAS A REAL S&M FLAVOR.

  • MAKE SURE BESSIE HAS A SAFE WORD.

  • (WHISPERED) PUMPKIN PATCH.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CELEBRITY COUPLE NEWS, KIM KARDASHIAN AND

  • KANYE WEST ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

  • NO, NOT KIM-YAY KAR-WEST-IAN!

  • KIM-YE-STIAN KARD-WASHYE?

  • THEY HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON!

  • FAME.

  • AND...

  • LOUIS VUITTON SUBMARINES, I THINK?

  • IT WAS A CLASSIC STORY: BOY MEETS GIRL, GIRL BREAKS INTERNET

  • WITH CHAMPAGNE GLASS ON HER BUTT, BOY GETS IN YEARS-LONG

  • FEUD WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, GIRL STUDIES FOR THE BAR EXAM, BOY

  • RUNS FOR PRESIDENT AND GIVES GIRL A HOLOGRAM OF HER DEAD

  • FATHER AT HER PRIVATE ISLAND BIRTHDAY PARTY DURING A

  • PANDEMIC...

  • IT'S A TALE AS OLD AS TIME.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE 2021 GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED OVER

  • COVID-19 CONCERNS.

  • MEANING THERE'S STILL TIME FOR THEM TO NOMINATE MY SPOKEN WORD

  • ALBUM, "ELEVENTY-ONE LIMERICKS ABOUT HOBBIT BIRTHDAYS."

  • "THERE ONCE WAS A PARTY FOR BILBO.

  • HE HAD ENOUGH CAKE FOR HIS FILL, THOUGH.

  • SO HE PUT ON HIS RING, AND HAD A HOT, PRIVATE FLING

  • WITH A 13-INCH-LONG PLASTIC"-- A AND I'M BEING TOLD WE CAN'T

  • FINISH THIS POEM ON CBS.

  • DON'T SNUB ME AGAIN, ACADEMY.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN THE COMPLEX WORLD OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS,

  • DENMARK HAS LAUNCHED A CHILDREN'S TV SHOW ABOUT A MAN

  • WITH GIANT PENIS.

  • WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.

  • GOOD GOD, I FOUND WALDO!

  • AND I REALLY WISH I HADN'T.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE INAPPROPRIATE FOR KIDS TO SEE,

  • THAT THIS GUY HAS A PREHENSILE PEEN OR THAT HE'S USING IT TO

  • DUMP LIGHTER FLUID ON A BARBECUE.

  • BUDDY, YOU'RE GOING TO GRILL YOUR WIENER!

  • ALSO, GOT TO SAY, THAT ONESIE MUST TAKE FOREVER TO PUT ON.

  • THE CHARACTER'S PENIS IS SO LONG AND VERSATILE THAT IT CAN

  • PERFORM RESCUE OPERATIONS, ETCH MURALS, HOIST A FLAG AND EVEN

  • STEAL ICE-CREAM FROM CHILDREN.

  • I'M GUESSING THAT'S A SHORT EPISODE: "HEY, GIVE MY KIDS BACK

  • THEIR ICE CR-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • IT'S ALL YOURS."

  • THAT'S GOOD.

  • JIMMY, RUN.

  • THE SHOW IS GETTING A LOT OF CRITICISM, BUT ONE PSYCHOLOGIST

  • THINKS THE CONCERN IS UNNECESSARY, SAYING, THE

  • CHARACTER "JOHN DILLERMAND TALKS TO CHILDREN AND SHARES THEIR WAY

  • OF THINKING-- AND KIDS DO FIND GENITALS FUNNY."

  • JUST BECAUSE KIDS THINK SOMETHING'S FUNNY DOESN'T

  • MEAN IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR TV.

  • OTHERWISE, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL KIDS' SHOW WOULD'VE BEEN "MR.

  • ROGERS GETS WRACKED IN THE SACK."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JEFF BEZOS JUST NAMED A HUGE ROCKET

  • RECOVERY SHIP AFTER HIS MOM," JACLYN.

  • GREAT FOR JEFF BEZOS.

  • SUCKS IF YOU'RE HIS BROTHER, MARK BEZOS.

  • (AS MOM) "THANK YOU FOR PUTTING MY NAME

  • ON YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP BOAT, JEFFREY.

  • AND WHAT DID YOU GET ME, MARK?

  • OOH, YANKEE CANDLE?

  • THAT'S...

  • GOOD."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE ONE OF MILLIONS OF AMERICANS

  • FIGHTING TO STAVE OFF FINANCIAL RUIN, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS:

  • "WITH A NET WORTH OF MORE THAN $185 BILLION, ELON MUSK IS NOW

  • THE RICHEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, PASSING JEFF BEZOS."

  • NEAT!

  • HE CAN PUT HIS MOM'S NAME ON HIS ROCKETS!

  • THEN, JEFF'S MOM'S ROCKET-CATCHING BOAT CAN CATCH

  • THEM WHILE ALSO CATCHING JEFF'S ROCKETS AND THEY CAN HAVE A

  • BILLIONAIRE SPACE-ROCKET BOAT-CATCHING PARTY, AND THIS