WELCOME TO AN UNEXPECTEDLY LIVE "LATE SHOW"."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW IT'S LIVE?

IF IT WASN'T LIVE, THEY WOULD HAVE EDITED OUT ALL THIS DEAD

SPACE I'LL G GIVING YOU RIGHT NO I REALLY WANT TO DO THE SHOW

WE'RE ABOUT TO DO AND I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO THE SHOW WE'RE

ABOUT TO DO BECAUSE LORD HAVE MERCY.

THERE ARE SOME DARK SUBJECTS THAT WE TALK LBOUT ON THE SHOW

OCCASIONALLY, BUT I'VE REALLY BEEN AS UPSET AS I AM TONIGHT.

AND I'M SURE YOU ARE, TOO.

HEY, REPUBLICANS WHO SUPPORTED THIS PRESIDENT, ESPECIALLY THE

ONES IN THE JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS TODAY, HAVE YOU HAD

ENOUGH?

AFTER FIVE YEARS OF CODDLING THIS PRESIDENT'S FASCIST

RHETORIC, GUESS WHOSE FOLLOWERS WANT TO BURN DOWN THE REICHSTAG.

BECAUSE TODAY, THE U.S. CAPITOL WAS OVERRUN FOR THE FIRST TIME

SINCE 1814, AND A WOMAN DIED.

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

EVERYONE?

EVEN DUMMIES LIKE ME.

THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING, MOST TRAGIC, LEAST-SURPRISING THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

FOR YEARS NOW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU COWARDS THAT IF YOU

LET THE PRESIDENT LIE ABOUT OUR DEMOCRACY OVER AND OVER AND THEN

JOIN HIM IN THAT LIE AND SAY HE'S RIGHT WHEN YOU KNOW FOR A

FACT THAT HE IS NOT, THERE WILL BE A TERRIBLE PRICE TO PAY.

BUT YOU JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE TO PAY IT, TOO.

I REALLY DO HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THOSE TAX CUTS.

AND THOSE JUDGES, BECAUSE THOSE JUDGES ARE REALLY GOING TO BE

WORKING HARD.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE BUSY THROWING THESE IDIOTS IN JAIL.

AND BY "IDIOTS" I INCLUDE THE REPUBLICANS WHO LET THIS HAPPEN,

LIKE YOU SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY, RAISING YOUR STUPID FIST TO THE

MOB OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL.

LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S LIKE BLACK POWER BUT THE OPPOSITE.

THERE REALLY SHOULD BE A NAME FOR THAT.

AND, OBVIOUSLY, HE HAS TO KEEP HIS FIST CLOSED, BECAUSE IF HE

OPENED IT, YOU WOULD SEE ALL THE BLOOD ON HIS HANDS.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW ABOUT YOU, FOX NEWS?

YOU THINK MAYBE YEARS OF PEDALING HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES

HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS?

OH, BUT COME ON, MAN.

YOU KNOW WE HAVE OUR OPINION SIDE AND OUR NEWS SIDE.

COME ON, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO TURN A COIN FOR UNCLE RUPEE,

SELL A FEW LUBRICATED CATHETERS.

LIKE THOSE LUBRICATED CATH TERS YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN STICK

YOUR EXCUSES AND YOU CAN SKIP THE LUBRICATION.

IT'S THE THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS WHO STORMED THE

CAPITOL BUILDING.

IT'S A HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY, HOWEVER

MUCH LONGER THAT IS.

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THIS...

>> LAW AND ORDER.

>> Stephen: NOPE, THAT'S NOT IT.

>> AMERICAN CARNAGE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE ONE.

JOHNNY, TELL THEM WHAT THEY WON.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> A SECOND CIVIL WAR!

AND A BROYHILL DINETTE SET.

YOU'LL BE EATING IN STYLE IN THE SMOLDERING AFTER-SCAPE.

BACK TO YOU, STEVE!

>> Stephen: YOU SEE, TODAY WAS THE CONSTITUTIONALLY MANDATED

FINAL STEP BEFORE A NEW PRESIDENT CAN GET INAUGURATED.

A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS TO BASICALLY RUBBER STAMP THE

ELECTORAL VOTES.

EXCEPT THIS TIME, OVER 100 G.O.P. HOUSE MEMBERS AND AT

LEAST 13 G.O.P. SENATORS DECIDED TO REJECT SOME STATES' ELECTION

RESULTS OVER ALLEGED VOTER IRREGULARITIES.

THOSE SAME SUPPOSED VOTER IRREGULARITIES THAT RUDY

GIULIANI FAILED TO PROVE TO A SINGLE JUDGE, NO MATTER HOW

PASSIONATELY HE FARTED.

WELL, THIS MORNING, AT A MAGA RALLY RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WHITE

HOUSE, THE PRESIDENT INCITED THE MOB TO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL

BUILDING.

>> WE'RE GOING TO THE CAPITOL, AND WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND GIVE

THE DEMOCRATS ARE HOPELESS.

THEY'RE NEVER VOTING FOR ANYTHING, NOT EVEN ONE VOTE.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND GIVE OUR REPUBLICANS, THE WEAK ONES,

BECAUSE THE STRONG ONES DON'T NEED ANY OF OUR HELP.

WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND GIVE THEM THE KIND OF PRIDE AND BOLDNESS

THAT THEY NEED TO TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY.

SO LET'S WALK DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.

WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN, AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN...

WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN ANYONE YOU WANT, BUT I THINK RIGHT

HERE, WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN TO THE CAPITOL.

>> Stephen: FOR THE RECORD, IF I SAID THAT, I WOULD BE ARRESTED

FOR INCITING A RIOT.

BUT OF COURSE YOU CAN'T ARREST THE PRESIDENT FOR 15 MORE DAYS.

AND HIS FOLLOWERS DID WHAT HE TOLD THEM TO DO: BEHAVE IN A WAY

THAT'S-- WHAT'S THE WORD?

DEPLORABLE.

THEY MARCHED DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE AND STORMED THE

BARRICADES.

LOOK AT THAT.

YOU STILL THINK WALLS WORK?

FRIGHTENED HILL STAFFERS WERE TOLD TO EVACUATE THE MADISON

BUILDING, AS WELL AS THE CANON HOUSE OFFICE BUILDING WITH

CAPITOL POLICE GOING DOOR BY DOOR, RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAYS.

THAT'S A VERY UPSETTING PAUL REVERE REMIX.

"THE RED HATS ARE COMING!

THE RED HATS ARE COMING!" ( SIGHS )

STAFFERS WERE TOLD TO GO TO UNDERGROUND TUNNELS AND TAKE

ESCAPE HOODS TO PROTECT THEM FROM INHAILING ANYTHING

DANGEROUS.

WELL, THAT'S A BIT OF A SURPRISE.

FROM THE LOOK OF THOSE RIOTERS, I WOULD HAVE GUESSED THEY WERE

THE ONES WEARING HOODZ.

AFTER THE MOB SWARMED INSIDE THE BUILDING, CAPITOL POLICE

RELEASED TEAR GAS INTO THE ROTUNDA.

LITTLE LATE, FELLAS.

THAT'S LIKE CLOSING THE BARN DOOR AFTER THE COW HAS TRIED TO

VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE FARM.

A MOO-DE' TA, IF YOU WILL.

AND I HOPE YOU WON'T.

THEN THESE IDIOTS BROKE INTO THE SENATE CHAMBER, INCLUDING THIS

GUY, WHO STOOD AT THE PODIUM.

REMEMBER THIS MORNING THE NEWS WAS ALL SAYING DEMOCRATS NOW

CONTROL THE SENATE?

I'M GOING TO SAY THAT REPORT WAS A LITTLE PREMATURE.

"THE LATE SHOW"" IS READY TO PROJECT SENATE CONTROL HAS

PASSED TO MAJORITY LEADER SHIRTLESS FREAK IN A VIKING HAT.

NOW, AGAIN, CONGRESS WAS IN A JOINT SESSION TO RECEIVE THE

ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES, CONFIRMING THAT JOSEPH R. BIDEN

WOULD BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES.

BUT ALL OF THIS REPUBLICAN-GENERATED CHAOS LED

TO AN EVACUATION OF THE CHAMBERS.

AND LEGISLATORS WERE HUSTLED TO SECURE LOCATIONS TO SHELTER IN

PLACE.

A QUESTION FOR THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS WHO HELPED FOMENT THIS

INSURRECTION: WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY?

I MEAN, THESE ARE YOUR PEEPS.

THEY LOVE YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR BUDDIES, MARSHA BLACKBURN,

KELLY LOEFFLER, RON JOHNSON, JOHN "NOT THAT KENNEDY" KENNEDY.

YOU CAN RUN ALL YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES BUT YOU CAN

NEVER ESCAPE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF WHAT YOU BROUGHT UPON

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY TODAY.

AND THIS WAS NEVER SOME SORT OF PEACEFUL PROTEST.

THIS WAS CHARLOTTESVILLE COME HOME TO ROOST ON CAPITOL HILL.

LOOK AT THESE THUGS.

A GUY IN A QANON T-SHIRT CHASING A CAPITOL SECURITY OFFICER UP

FLIGHT AFTER FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FOLKS.

JUST A CROWD OF ANGRY WHITE PEOPLE CHASING A BLACK MAN.

REMUND ME: ARE WE GREAT AGAIN YET?

THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FINALLY RESPONDED WITH A STRONG SHOW OF

FORCE-- I'M SORRY, NO, JIM, THAT'S FEDERAL POLICE TEAR

GASSING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS SO THAT THE PRESIDENT COULD DO A

PHOTO OP.

JIM, DO WE HAVE THE ACTUAL RESPONSE, A PHOTO?

THERE YOU GO.

NOPE, I'M SORRY.

NO, THAT'S DURING THE B.L.M.

PROTESTS WHERE TROOPS WERE GUARDING A STATUE OF LINCOLN

FROM BLACK PEOPLE.

NOW, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF AMERICANS WOULD TRY

TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, YOU GUESS IT.

IT'S THIS KIND.

IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THAT THING ALWAYS SEEM TO SHOW UP AT ONLY

THE WORST EVENTS.

YOU NEVER READ, "THE CONFEDERATE FLAG WAS SEEN TODAY WAVING OVER

FREE YOGA IN THE PARK.

ONE OF THESE DOMESTIC TERRORISTS EVEN BROKE INTO SPEAKER PELOSI'S

OFFICE AND PUT HIS FEET UP ON HER DESK.

ANOTHER ONE TOOK TO THE SENATE DAIS AND REPORTEDLY IDEAL,

"TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION!" LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT

THE FRONT-RUNNERS FOR THE 2024 REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.

OVER AT THE HOUSE CHAMBER, THERE WAS AN ARMED STANDOFF BETWEEN

POLICE AND RIOTERS AT THE CHAMBER DOOR.

WELL, THANK GOODNESS IT WAS JUST A WHITE PERSON WITH A GUN OUT

THERE.

IF IT WERE A BLACK GUY WITH A CAN OF ICED TEA, IT MIGHT HAVE

ESCALATED.

NOW, AN HOUR AND A HALF AFTER THE CAPITOL HAD BEEN STORMED,

PRESIDENT JEFFERSON DU FUS FINALLY WEIGHED IN TWEETING, "I

AM ASKING FOR EVERYONE AT THE U.S. CAPITOL TO REMAIN

PEACEFUL."

NOTE THE WORD "REMAIN."

HE DIDN'T SAY LEAVE.

HE SAID STAY THERE AND REMAIN PEACEFUL.

PEACEFUL LIKE THIS?

I AM CALLING FOR ALL OF THE TOOTHPASTE TO QUIETLY RETURN TO

THE TUBE PEACEFULLY.

WHILE HE WHO STARTED THIS COULD NOT BRING HIMSELF TO STOP IT, WE

HEARD A VERY DIFFERENT MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WHO

ISSUED A CHALLENGE TO THE TRAITOR IN CHIEF.

>> I CALL ON PRESIDENT TRUMP TO GO ON NATIONAL TELEVISION NOW TO

FULFILL HIS OATH AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION AND DEMAND AN END

TO THIS SIEGE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S AN INTERESTING PLOI-- LURING THE

PRESIDENT OUT OF HIDING WITH THE PROMISE OF NATIONAL TV IS LIKE

PUTTING A LITTLE PIECE OF CHEESE IN A TRAP FOR A RAT.

ALTHOUGH, YOU COULD PROBABLY CATCH THE PRESIDENT WITH CHEESE,

TOO.

JUST A FEW MOMENTS AFTER BIDEN STEPPED OFFSTAGE, THE

VIOLENCE-STOKER IN THE WHITE HOUSE DID RELEASE A VIDEO WHERE

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CALM THINGS DOWN BUT INSTEAD, HE...

REITERATED HIS FALSE CLAIM THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM

SEVERAL TIMES, AND ENDED BY SAYING THIS TO THE THE RIOTERS:

>> SO GO HOME.

WE LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL.

>> Stephen: BOY, THAT IS A REALLY WEIRD THING TO SAY TO

RIOTERS.

AND I'M GUESSING TOUGH FOR ERIC TO HEAR.

"DAD!

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T RIOT!

LOVE ME, TOO!

I'M SPECIAL."

HOT TIP FOR THE RIOTERS BY THE WAY: I KNOW YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE

TO BE TOLD TO WEAR MASKS, BUT THOSE MASKS REALLY WOULD HAVE

COME IN HANDY WHEN YOU'RE GETTING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WHILE

YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAW.

AND YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE YOU WERE DOING ALL OF THIS SUPPOSEDLY TO

HELP?

WELL, THOSE FOLKS ARE OUT OF POWER NOW.

THEY CAN'T PROTECT YOU.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THEY HID IN THE BASEMENT FROM YOU, AND THEY

WILL TURN ON YOU IN A SECOND BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING

BUT THEMSELVES.

SPEAKING OF BELIEVING IN NOTHING, A REMINDER THAT THE

PRESIDENT SAID THIS TO YOU: >> WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN--

AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU-- WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN...

( CHEERING ) WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN ANYONE

YOU WANT, BUT I THINK RIGHT HERE.

WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN TO THE CAPITOL.

>> Stephen: HE KEPT SAYING, "WE," BUT HE DIDN'T GO WITH YOU.

HE DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU.

HE WENT HOME TO WATCH IT ON TV.

YOU'RE JUST ENTERTAINMENT FOR HIM.

AND, OF COURSE, A STEADY STREAM OF MERCHANDISE SALES.

ANYWAY...

THIS ISN'T HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.

WE DON'T DECIDE ELECTIONS ON WHO'S MOST UPSET.

WE DECIDE THEM BY WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES, PORTIONED BY STATE

THROUGH A WEIRD ELECTORAL COLLEGE THAT WAS INSTITUTED TO

MAINTAIN THE POLITICAL POWER OF SLAVE STATES.

IT'S A LONG STORY.

BUT THE POINT IS, THE PERSON WHO SCREAMS THE LOUDEST DOESN'T GET

THEIR WAY.

THAT ONLY WORKS ON FAMILY ROAD TRIPS AND YOU END UP HAVING

BASKIN ROBBINS FOR DINNER.

AND, SADLY, WE SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED BY ANY OF THIS.

THESE PEOPLE WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL TODAY HAVE EAGERLY

SWALLOWED DIVISIVE BULLCRAP AT THE PRESIDENT'S RALLIES FOR FIVE

YEARS.

THEY NOW LIVE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE THAT IS NOW COLLAPSING

IN ON ITSELF.

IT'S-- IT'S LIKE A BLACK HOLE OF WHITENESS.

NOW, I'VE SAID BEFORE, VIOLENCE IS THE LAST REFUGE OF THE

INCOMPETENT.

AND IF THE LAST FOUR YEARS HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S THAT