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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

  • WELCOME TO AN UNEXPECTEDLY LIVE "LATE SHOW"."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW IT'S LIVE?

  • IF IT WASN'T LIVE, THEY WOULD HAVE EDITED OUT ALL THIS DEAD

  • SPACE I'LL G GIVING YOU RIGHT NO I REALLY WANT TO DO THE SHOW

  • WE'RE ABOUT TO DO AND I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO THE SHOW WE'RE

  • ABOUT TO DO BECAUSE LORD HAVE MERCY.

  • THERE ARE SOME DARK SUBJECTS THAT WE TALK LBOUT ON THE SHOW

  • OCCASIONALLY, BUT I'VE REALLY BEEN AS UPSET AS I AM TONIGHT.

  • AND I'M SURE YOU ARE, TOO.

  • HEY, REPUBLICANS WHO SUPPORTED THIS PRESIDENT, ESPECIALLY THE

  • ONES IN THE JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS TODAY, HAVE YOU HAD

  • ENOUGH?

  • AFTER FIVE YEARS OF CODDLING THIS PRESIDENT'S FASCIST

  • RHETORIC, GUESS WHOSE FOLLOWERS WANT TO BURN DOWN THE REICHSTAG.

  • BECAUSE TODAY, THE U.S. CAPITOL WAS OVERRUN FOR THE FIRST TIME

  • SINCE 1814, AND A WOMAN DIED.

  • WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

  • EVERYONE?

  • EVEN DUMMIES LIKE ME.

  • THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING, MOST TRAGIC, LEAST-SURPRISING THING

  • I'VE EVER SEEN.

  • FOR YEARS NOW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU COWARDS THAT IF YOU

  • LET THE PRESIDENT LIE ABOUT OUR DEMOCRACY OVER AND OVER AND THEN

  • JOIN HIM IN THAT LIE AND SAY HE'S RIGHT WHEN YOU KNOW FOR A

  • FACT THAT HE IS NOT, THERE WILL BE A TERRIBLE PRICE TO PAY.

  • BUT YOU JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE TO PAY IT, TOO.

  • I REALLY DO HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THOSE TAX CUTS.

  • AND THOSE JUDGES, BECAUSE THOSE JUDGES ARE REALLY GOING TO BE

  • WORKING HARD.

  • THEY'RE GOING TO BE BUSY THROWING THESE IDIOTS IN JAIL.

  • AND BY "IDIOTS" I INCLUDE THE REPUBLICANS WHO LET THIS HAPPEN,

  • LIKE YOU SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY, RAISING YOUR STUPID FIST TO THE

  • MOB OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • IT'S LIKE BLACK POWER BUT THE OPPOSITE.

  • THERE REALLY SHOULD BE A NAME FOR THAT.

  • AND, OBVIOUSLY, HE HAS TO KEEP HIS FIST CLOSED, BECAUSE IF HE

  • OPENED IT, YOU WOULD SEE ALL THE BLOOD ON HIS HANDS.

  • SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW ABOUT YOU, FOX NEWS?

  • YOU THINK MAYBE YEARS OF PEDALING HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES

  • HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS?

  • OH, BUT COME ON, MAN.

  • YOU KNOW WE HAVE OUR OPINION SIDE AND OUR NEWS SIDE.

  • COME ON, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO TURN A COIN FOR UNCLE RUPEE,

  • SELL A FEW LUBRICATED CATHETERS.

  • LIKE THOSE LUBRICATED CATH TERS YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN STICK

  • YOUR EXCUSES AND YOU CAN SKIP THE LUBRICATION.

  • IT'S THE THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS WHO STORMED THE

  • CAPITOL BUILDING.

  • IT'S A HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY, HOWEVER

  • MUCH LONGER THAT IS.

  • THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THIS...

  • >> LAW AND ORDER.

  • >> Stephen: NOPE, THAT'S NOT IT.

  • >> AMERICAN CARNAGE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S THE ONE.

  • JOHNNY, TELL THEM WHAT THEY WON.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> A SECOND CIVIL WAR!

  • AND A BROYHILL DINETTE SET.

  • YOU'LL BE EATING IN STYLE IN THE SMOLDERING AFTER-SCAPE.

  • BACK TO YOU, STEVE!

  • >> Stephen: YOU SEE, TODAY WAS THE CONSTITUTIONALLY MANDATED

  • FINAL STEP BEFORE A NEW PRESIDENT CAN GET INAUGURATED.

  • A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS TO BASICALLY RUBBER STAMP THE

  • ELECTORAL VOTES.

  • EXCEPT THIS TIME, OVER 100 G.O.P. HOUSE MEMBERS AND AT

  • LEAST 13 G.O.P. SENATORS DECIDED TO REJECT SOME STATES' ELECTION

  • RESULTS OVER ALLEGED VOTER IRREGULARITIES.

  • THOSE SAME SUPPOSED VOTER IRREGULARITIES THAT RUDY

  • GIULIANI FAILED TO PROVE TO A SINGLE JUDGE, NO MATTER HOW

  • PASSIONATELY HE FARTED.

  • WELL, THIS MORNING, AT A MAGA RALLY RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WHITE

  • HOUSE, THE PRESIDENT INCITED THE MOB TO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL

  • BUILDING.

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO THE CAPITOL, AND WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND GIVE

  • THE DEMOCRATS ARE HOPELESS.

  • THEY'RE NEVER VOTING FOR ANYTHING, NOT EVEN ONE VOTE.

  • BUT WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND GIVE OUR REPUBLICANS, THE WEAK ONES,

  • BECAUSE THE STRONG ONES DON'T NEED ANY OF OUR HELP.

  • WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND GIVE THEM THE KIND OF PRIDE AND BOLDNESS

  • THAT THEY NEED TO TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY.

  • SO LET'S WALK DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.

  • WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN, AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU.

  • WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN...

  • WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN ANYONE YOU WANT, BUT I THINK RIGHT

  • HERE, WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN TO THE CAPITOL.

  • >> Stephen: FOR THE RECORD, IF I SAID THAT, I WOULD BE ARRESTED

  • FOR INCITING A RIOT.

  • BUT OF COURSE YOU CAN'T ARREST THE PRESIDENT FOR 15 MORE DAYS.

  • AND HIS FOLLOWERS DID WHAT HE TOLD THEM TO DO: BEHAVE IN A WAY

  • THAT'S-- WHAT'S THE WORD?

  • DEPLORABLE.

  • THEY MARCHED DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE AND STORMED THE

  • BARRICADES.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • YOU STILL THINK WALLS WORK?

  • FRIGHTENED HILL STAFFERS WERE TOLD TO EVACUATE THE MADISON

  • BUILDING, AS WELL AS THE CANON HOUSE OFFICE BUILDING WITH

  • CAPITOL POLICE GOING DOOR BY DOOR, RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAYS.

  • THAT'S A VERY UPSETTING PAUL REVERE REMIX.

  • "THE RED HATS ARE COMING!

  • THE RED HATS ARE COMING!" ( SIGHS )

  • STAFFERS WERE TOLD TO GO TO UNDERGROUND TUNNELS AND TAKE

  • ESCAPE HOODS TO PROTECT THEM FROM INHAILING ANYTHING

  • DANGEROUS.

  • WELL, THAT'S A BIT OF A SURPRISE.

  • FROM THE LOOK OF THOSE RIOTERS, I WOULD HAVE GUESSED THEY WERE

  • THE ONES WEARING HOODZ.

  • AFTER THE MOB SWARMED INSIDE THE BUILDING, CAPITOL POLICE

  • RELEASED TEAR GAS INTO THE ROTUNDA.

  • LITTLE LATE, FELLAS.

  • THAT'S LIKE CLOSING THE BARN DOOR AFTER THE COW HAS TRIED TO

  • VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE FARM.

  • A MOO-DE' TA, IF YOU WILL.

  • AND I HOPE YOU WON'T.

  • THEN THESE IDIOTS BROKE INTO THE SENATE CHAMBER, INCLUDING THIS

  • GUY, WHO STOOD AT THE PODIUM.

  • REMEMBER THIS MORNING THE NEWS WAS ALL SAYING DEMOCRATS NOW

  • CONTROL THE SENATE?

  • I'M GOING TO SAY THAT REPORT WAS A LITTLE PREMATURE.

  • "THE LATE SHOW"" IS READY TO PROJECT SENATE CONTROL HAS

  • PASSED TO MAJORITY LEADER SHIRTLESS FREAK IN A VIKING HAT.

  • NOW, AGAIN, CONGRESS WAS IN A JOINT SESSION TO RECEIVE THE

  • ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES, CONFIRMING THAT JOSEPH R. BIDEN

  • WOULD BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES.

  • BUT ALL OF THIS REPUBLICAN-GENERATED CHAOS LED

  • TO AN EVACUATION OF THE CHAMBERS.

  • AND LEGISLATORS WERE HUSTLED TO SECURE LOCATIONS TO SHELTER IN

  • PLACE.

  • A QUESTION FOR THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS WHO HELPED FOMENT THIS

  • INSURRECTION: WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY?

  • I MEAN, THESE ARE YOUR PEEPS.

  • THEY LOVE YOU.

  • WHY DIDN'T YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR BUDDIES, MARSHA BLACKBURN,

  • KELLY LOEFFLER, RON JOHNSON, JOHN "NOT THAT KENNEDY" KENNEDY.

  • YOU CAN RUN ALL YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES BUT YOU CAN

  • NEVER ESCAPE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF WHAT YOU BROUGHT UPON

  • AMERICAN DEMOCRACY TODAY.

  • AND THIS WAS NEVER SOME SORT OF PEACEFUL PROTEST.

  • THIS WAS CHARLOTTESVILLE COME HOME TO ROOST ON CAPITOL HILL.

  • LOOK AT THESE THUGS.

  • A GUY IN A QANON T-SHIRT CHASING A CAPITOL SECURITY OFFICER UP

  • FLIGHT AFTER FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

  • NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FOLKS.

  • JUST A CROWD OF ANGRY WHITE PEOPLE CHASING A BLACK MAN.

  • REMUND ME: ARE WE GREAT AGAIN YET?

  • THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FINALLY RESPONDED WITH A STRONG SHOW OF

  • FORCE-- I'M SORRY, NO, JIM, THAT'S FEDERAL POLICE TEAR

  • GASSING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS SO THAT THE PRESIDENT COULD DO A

  • PHOTO OP.

  • JIM, DO WE HAVE THE ACTUAL RESPONSE, A PHOTO?

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • NOPE, I'M SORRY.

  • NO, THAT'S DURING THE B.L.M.

  • PROTESTS WHERE TROOPS WERE GUARDING A STATUE OF LINCOLN

  • FROM BLACK PEOPLE.

  • NOW, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF AMERICANS WOULD TRY

  • TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, YOU GUESS IT.

  • IT'S THIS KIND.

  • IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THAT THING ALWAYS SEEM TO SHOW UP AT ONLY

  • THE WORST EVENTS.

  • YOU NEVER READ, "THE CONFEDERATE FLAG WAS SEEN TODAY WAVING OVER

  • FREE YOGA IN THE PARK.

  • ONE OF THESE DOMESTIC TERRORISTS EVEN BROKE INTO SPEAKER PELOSI'S

  • OFFICE AND PUT HIS FEET UP ON HER DESK.

  • ANOTHER ONE TOOK TO THE SENATE DAIS AND REPORTEDLY IDEAL,

  • "TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION!" LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT

  • THE FRONT-RUNNERS FOR THE 2024 REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.

  • OVER AT THE HOUSE CHAMBER, THERE WAS AN ARMED STANDOFF BETWEEN

  • POLICE AND RIOTERS AT THE CHAMBER DOOR.

  • WELL, THANK GOODNESS IT WAS JUST A WHITE PERSON WITH A GUN OUT

  • THERE.

  • IF IT WERE A BLACK GUY WITH A CAN OF ICED TEA, IT MIGHT HAVE

  • ESCALATED.

  • NOW, AN HOUR AND A HALF AFTER THE CAPITOL HAD BEEN STORMED,

  • PRESIDENT JEFFERSON DU FUS FINALLY WEIGHED IN TWEETING, "I

  • AM ASKING FOR EVERYONE AT THE U.S. CAPITOL TO REMAIN

  • PEACEFUL."

  • NOTE THE WORD "REMAIN."

  • HE DIDN'T SAY LEAVE.

  • HE SAID STAY THERE AND REMAIN PEACEFUL.

  • PEACEFUL LIKE THIS?

  • I AM CALLING FOR ALL OF THE TOOTHPASTE TO QUIETLY RETURN TO

  • THE TUBE PEACEFULLY.

  • WHILE HE WHO STARTED THIS COULD NOT BRING HIMSELF TO STOP IT, WE

  • HEARD A VERY DIFFERENT MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WHO

  • ISSUED A CHALLENGE TO THE TRAITOR IN CHIEF.

  • >> I CALL ON PRESIDENT TRUMP TO GO ON NATIONAL TELEVISION NOW TO

  • FULFILL HIS OATH AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION AND DEMAND AN END

  • TO THIS SIEGE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S AN INTERESTING PLOI-- LURING THE

  • PRESIDENT OUT OF HIDING WITH THE PROMISE OF NATIONAL TV IS LIKE

  • PUTTING A LITTLE PIECE OF CHEESE IN A TRAP FOR A RAT.

  • ALTHOUGH, YOU COULD PROBABLY CATCH THE PRESIDENT WITH CHEESE,

  • TOO.

  • JUST A FEW MOMENTS AFTER BIDEN STEPPED OFFSTAGE, THE

  • VIOLENCE-STOKER IN THE WHITE HOUSE DID RELEASE A VIDEO WHERE

  • HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CALM THINGS DOWN BUT INSTEAD, HE...

  • REITERATED HIS FALSE CLAIM THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM

  • SEVERAL TIMES, AND ENDED BY SAYING THIS TO THE THE RIOTERS:

  • >> SO GO HOME.

  • WE LOVE YOU.

  • YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL.

  • >> Stephen: BOY, THAT IS A REALLY WEIRD THING TO SAY TO

  • RIOTERS.

  • AND I'M GUESSING TOUGH FOR ERIC TO HEAR.

  • "DAD!

  • I'M SORRY I DIDN'T RIOT!

  • LOVE ME, TOO!

  • I'M SPECIAL."

  • HOT TIP FOR THE RIOTERS BY THE WAY: I KNOW YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE

  • TO BE TOLD TO WEAR MASKS, BUT THOSE MASKS REALLY WOULD HAVE

  • COME IN HANDY WHEN YOU'RE GETTING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WHILE

  • YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAW.

  • AND YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE YOU WERE DOING ALL OF THIS SUPPOSEDLY TO

  • HELP?

  • WELL, THOSE FOLKS ARE OUT OF POWER NOW.

  • THEY CAN'T PROTECT YOU.

  • AS A MATTER OF FACT, THEY HID IN THE BASEMENT FROM YOU, AND THEY

  • WILL TURN ON YOU IN A SECOND BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING

  • BUT THEMSELVES.

  • SPEAKING OF BELIEVING IN NOTHING, A REMINDER THAT THE

  • PRESIDENT SAID THIS TO YOU: >> WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN--

  • AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU-- WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN...

  • ( CHEERING ) WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN ANYONE

  • YOU WANT, BUT I THINK RIGHT HERE.

  • WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN TO THE CAPITOL.

  • >> Stephen: HE KEPT SAYING, "WE," BUT HE DIDN'T GO WITH YOU.

  • HE DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU.

  • HE WENT HOME TO WATCH IT ON TV.

  • YOU'RE JUST ENTERTAINMENT FOR HIM.

  • AND, OF COURSE, A STEADY STREAM OF MERCHANDISE SALES.

  • ANYWAY...

  • THIS ISN'T HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.

  • WE DON'T DECIDE ELECTIONS ON WHO'S MOST UPSET.

  • WE DECIDE THEM BY WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES, PORTIONED BY STATE

  • THROUGH A WEIRD ELECTORAL COLLEGE THAT WAS INSTITUTED TO

  • MAINTAIN THE POLITICAL POWER OF SLAVE STATES.

  • IT'S A LONG STORY.

  • BUT THE POINT IS, THE PERSON WHO SCREAMS THE LOUDEST DOESN'T GET

  • THEIR WAY.

  • THAT ONLY WORKS ON FAMILY ROAD TRIPS AND YOU END UP HAVING

  • BASKIN ROBBINS FOR DINNER.

  • AND, SADLY, WE SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED BY ANY OF THIS.

  • THESE PEOPLE WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL TODAY HAVE EAGERLY

  • SWALLOWED DIVISIVE BULLCRAP AT THE PRESIDENT'S RALLIES FOR FIVE

  • YEARS.

  • THEY NOW LIVE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE THAT IS NOW COLLAPSING

  • IN ON ITSELF.

  • IT'S-- IT'S LIKE A BLACK HOLE OF WHITENESS.

  • NOW, I'VE SAID BEFORE, VIOLENCE IS THE LAST REFUGE OF THE

  • INCOMPETENT.

  • AND IF THE LAST FOUR YEARS HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S THAT