>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON.

WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF 2021.

>> Jon: I KNOW, WE IN IT, MAN.

WE CAN'T GO BACK.

>> Stephen: YOU HOLDING IT TOGETHER?

>> Jon: I'M HOLDING IT TOGETHER.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

THE ARROW OF TIME POINTS IN ONE DIRECTION.

>> Jon: WE HAVE TO KEEP MOVING, MAN.

I'M MOVING FORWARD.

I'M MOVING WELL.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> Stephen: I'M DOON FINE.

ONE OF THE REASONS I AM DOING SO FINE SIHAD A VERY, VERY MOVING

EXPERIENCE OVER THE BREAK.

I SAW "SOUL" THE NEW PIXAR CLASSIC STARRING JAMIE FOXX AND

WITH A SOUNDTRACK BY TRENT REZNOR.

BUT JAZZ COMPOSITIONS PERFORMED AND COMPOSED BY MR. JON BATISTE.

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, JON.

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

>> Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, I LAUGHED, I CRIED, I WAS MOVED.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL TO LOOKALITY.

ONLY ONE COMPLAINT-- NEED MORE JON BATISTE.

NOT ENOUGH JON BATISTE.

>> Jon: I ALWAYS LOVE MORE JON BATISTE.

WE HAVE TO GET THE PEOPLE MORE JON BATISTE.

I'M WITH IT.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE CAN GO GET THIS ALBUM, TOO, RIGHT?

>> Jon: IT'S OUT RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN STREAM IT, AND VINYL, TOO, FOR THE VINYL LISTENERS.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

IT MAKES THE ANIMATION MUCH WARMER.

>> Jon: RIGHT, RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WELL, JON, DO YOU HAVE-- DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING-- I

KNOW YOU WROTE THESE JAZZ COMPOSITIONS.

ANYTHING YOU CAN PLAY FOR US THAT IS INSPIRED BY WHAT YOU

WERE INSPIRED TO WRITE IN "SOUL."

>> Jon: YEAH.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU GOT THE GIG,

TEACH.

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SLOWLY BRAISING THE DAY'S MOST

TOPICAL VEAL SHANKS IN WHITE WINE, TOPPING IT WITH THE

TIMELIEST GREMOLATA AND NEWSIEST BEEF STOCK, TO PREPARE FOR YOU

THE THREE MICHELIN-STAR OSSO BUCCO THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT

SOMETIMES, I RUN TO BOSTON MARKET, SLAP THE CONTENTS OF

THEIR FAMILY MEAL DEAL ONTO A TV DINNER TRAY AND DROWN IT IN

AN UNHEATED JAR OF GRAVY TO CREATE THE RECENTLY-DIVORCED-DAD

SUNDAY PLATTER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> QUARANTINE-WHILE.

>> Stephen: THE LATEST MAJOR ARCHEOLOGICAL FINDING IN POMPEII

IS A STREET FOOD STALL.

THIS DISCOVERY HELPS US ANSWER SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ANCIENT

ROME, LIKE, "WHAT DID THEY EAT?" AND "HAS GUAC ALWAYS BEEN

EXTRA?" ONE OF THE MOST FASCINATING

THINGS ABOUT THE FIND IS ITS DECOR.

RESEARCHERS FOUND "PAINTED PANELS ON THE FRONT OF A COUNTER

INCLUDED A CENTRAL IMAGE OF A NEREID, THE MYTHOLOGICAL SEA

NYMPH."

THE LOGO'S A MERMAID?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE UNEARTHED THE WORLD'S FIRST

STARBUCKS.

THE THEORY WAS CONFIRMED WHEN THEY FOUND A PETRIFIED DUDE

WORKING ON HIS SCREENPLAY.

OTHER DECORATIONS INCLUDED FRESCOES OF DUCKS, A ROOSTER,

AND A DOG, AS WELL AS A SIGN THAT READ, "NO TOGA, NO SANDALS,

NO SERVITIUM."

WE SOMETIMES ACQUIRE ENOUGH VAGINA-RELATED STORIES THAT WE

COLLECT THEM ALL IN OUR VAGUINA SUB-SUBSEGMENT, VAGEEN-WHILE.

COLLECT THEM ALL IN OUR VAGUINA SUB-SUBSEGMENT, VAGEEN-WHILE.

AN ART INSTALLATION IS CAUSING WHATEVER IS PORTUGUESE FOR

"KERFUFFLE," BECAUSE "A 108-FOOT LONG CONCRETE VAGINA SCULPTURE

EMBEDDED ON A HILLSIDE HAS SPARKED FURY IN BRAZIL."

HOLY GEORGIA O'KEEFE!

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT THAT IS CLEARLY BRAZILIAN.

VAGEEN-WHILE, "BRITAIN ON FRIDAY BECAME THE LATEST COUNTRY TO

ELIMINATE SALES TAXES ON WOMEN'S SANITARY PRODUCTS,"

KNOWN AS THE SO-CALLED 'TAMPON TAX.'"

THIS IS SOMETHING ENGLAND COULD DO ONLY AFTER BREXIT BECAUSE

"UNDER E.U. LAW, NATIONS CANNOT REDUCE THE RATE OF VALUE-ADDED

TAX ON MENSTRUAL PRODUCTS BELOW 5% AS THEY ARE DEEMED TO BE

LUXURY ITEMS."

YEP, THOSE EUROPEANS AND THEIR LUXURY VAGINAS.

IT SOUNDS SILLY, BUT IN FRANCE, BY LAW, ALL THE FEMININE PADS

ARE MADE BY LOUIS VUITTON, 800 BUCKS ON

GOOP.

>> "THE GREAT GATSBY" IS AND ALL YOUR FAVORITE WORKS FROM 1925

HAVE NOTICE ENTERED THE PUBLIC DOMAIN.

FINALLY!

I NO LONGER HAVE TO PAY ROYALTIES TO THE VIRGINIA WOOLF

ESTATE FOR "STEPHEN COLBERT IS MRS. DALLOWAY!"

THEY DON'T DESERVE A CUT.

ADDING THE JET SKI CHASE SCENE WAS ALL MY IDEA.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DR. SANJAY GUPTA.

♪ ♪ ♪