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  • -Thank you very much, everybody!

  • Hello! Wow.

  • That feels great.

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • I'd like to start by wishing everyone a very happy new year.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Yep. Thankfully, it is a new year,

  • and, boy, aren't things better now?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.

  • Over the weekend, President Trump

  • called Georgia Secretary of State,

  • Brad Raffensperger, about the election

  • and might have gotten himself into some major legal trouble.

  • "Let's hear what crime it was this time!"

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. Trump asked him to somehow

  • find enough votes to flip Georgia

  • so that he would win the state by one vote.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One vote. Trump was like,

  • "'Cause if we're gonna do this, we can't make it obvious."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Apparently, every January, Trump's New Year's resolution

  • is to find a new way to get impeached.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's call lasted for an hour, by the way.

  • An hour. It was like one of his calls

  • to "Fox & Friends," except he actually cared

  • what the other person had to say on this one.

  • [ Laughter ] What a waste.

  • Trump could've spent that hour

  • not helping roll out the vaccine.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • As if the story isn't crazy enough,

  • Trump had tried calling him 18 times since the election.

  • Yeah. I think we're one call away

  • from Trump saying, "I'm on your front porch.

  • I can see you're home. Pick up.

  • I can see you're screening the call, you're making eggs.

  • Hello. I'm right here."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 18 times!

  • Apparently, Raffensperger was thinking about

  • putting the phone on vibrate and turning it into a massager.

  • [ Cellphone vibrating ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cellphone vibrating ]

  • That cost us $100,000 for that sound.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know you've -- [ Cellphone vibrating ]

  • No, thank you. $150,000.

  • You know you've lost power when someone gets a call

  • from the president and presses ignore 18 times.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When Trump calls, people actually move to the room

  • in the house where the connection is spotty.

  • It's like, "Honey, I'll be in the crawl space.

  • Trump's trying to call me." [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, are you that talk-show -- that game-show host?

  • "That's right." [ Laughter ]

  • Carl Bernstein said Trump's call was far worse than Watergate.

  • Doesn't mean much to Trump. He thinks Watergate is about

  • toilets not flushing hard enough.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Sometimes you have to flush it two, three times."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump tried everything to persuade the Secretary of State,

  • but he wouldn't budge.

  • Later, Trump told Raffensperger,

  • "Come on. You were such a nice guy on 'Cheers.'

  • What happened to you? [ Laughter ]

  • "Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."

  • [ Laughter ] Thank you very much.

  • Thank you very much. -Nice, nice.

  • -I break it out every now and then. Thank you.

  • Another combination -- pull it out, put it back in.

  • "Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump's call just kept going.

  • Listen to what else he had to say.

  • -Interesting, right? [ Applause ]

  • "Pw-e-e-ease?"

  • And a lot of people are talking about this.

  • On Wednesday, Congress is set to certify Joe Biden's victory,

  • but 12 Republican Senators

  • have pledged to challenge the results.

  • Can we see the 12 Republican senators?

  • It looks like the chart of different haircuts

  • you get at a Supercuts in Idaho.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They are the head shots if you were casting a movie

  • about an evil lawyer who swindles an orphanage.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's the cast of "Oceans 12"

  • if they were robbing an L.L.Bean.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, all eyes will be on Georgia tomorrow

  • for the state's two runoff races,

  • which will determine the Senate majority.

  • Another Election Night?

  • All right! [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, the election is tomorrow, which means we should have

  • the results by approximately Cinco de Mayo.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, it's a big night. In fact, Brian Williams

  • is already doing his voice exercises.

  • "It is too close to call. It is too close to call.

  • It is too close to call." [ Laughter ]

  • "Are you the game-show host?" "You betcha, yeah!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep. Everyone's focused on Georgia's

  • Senate election, and now several members of Congress

  • are speaking out about the runoffs.

  • For example, Republican Congressman Bob Good

  • said if the Republicans win both races,

  • then I will feel very, well, my last name."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then Democratic Congresswoman Susan Wild said,

  • "If the Republicans win both races,

  • that'd be absolutely, well, my last name."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then Republican Andy Barr said, "If the Democrats pull this off

  • I'm gonna spend every night at the, well, my last name."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx said,

  • "I might be a Republican, but I can't deny

  • that Jon Ossoff is a total, well, my last name."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then Republican Congressman French Hill said,

  • "If the Democrats beat us, I'm gonna pack my bags

  • and move to, well, my full name."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, Missouri Senator Roy Blunt said,

  • "Whoever wins, I'mma order some Papa John's

  • and roll a big giant spliff."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Some sports news. Guys, the NFL regular season

  • is over, and for the first time

  • since 2002 the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Even Georgia Secretary of State was like, "That can't be right.

  • Count the wins again." [ Laughter ]

  • When they heard that they made the playoffs,

  • the Browns were like, "There's more games after the season?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Do they do that every year?" [ Laughter ]

  • "Wow."

  • Yeah, the Browns are going to the playoffs.

  • Fans are like, "Thanks. The one year

  • we can't be there in person. You gotta be kidding me."

  • Right now, the people of Cleveland are thinking,

  • "Even when we win, we lose." [ Laughter ]

  • Some business news. I saw that Pizza Hut

  • is celebrating 25 years of its famous stuffed crust

  • by giving away a stuffed crust pizza

  • without the actual pizza. Take a look at this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's great if you want a pizza that more closely resembles

  • an unrolled condom. [ Laughter ]

  • -Ha! [ Cymbals crash ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Seriously, what could be more exciting

  • than sinking your teeth into a soggy cheese tire?

  • [ Laughter ] Here's how they do it.

  • First, they make the pizza, then the delivery guy

  • eats it from the inside out before handing it to you.

  • Takes practice, but you can do it.

  • Some entertainment news.

  • I saw that a Rubik's cube movie is now in the works.

  • I don't know about you, I'm not streaming that movie.

  • A Rubik's cube is meant to be enjoyed on the big screen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm sure it'll be great, though. It's basically "Spider-Man"

  • if Peter Parker never got bit by a spider.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, this is strange. I saw that a seemingly

  • normal house for sale in Vermont has an entire jail inside.

  • Man, as a parent, you could really put a kid in a time-out.

  • I mean, wow. [ Laughter ]

  • The listing agent was like, "It comes with hardwood floors,

  • a large backyard, and Carl,

  • who's serving 10 to 15 for armed robbery.

  • [ Laughter ] "I'm hungry."

  • The previous owner decided to sell because the overhead

  • was a little high, and he was tired

  • of getting shivved every morning.

-Thank you very much, everybody!

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Trump’s Desperate Call to Georgia Secretary of State | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/05
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