I'm a big fan of your work.

I love I love your I've listened actually too many of your hilarious monologues.

I've listened to them.

I've downloaded them and listened to them.

You've got a new album out.

It's called Four More Sweaters.

Monsters.

Take your questions.

Yes, I mean, what is the premise of this comedy album?

Well, I took a four of the characters that I dio and I did them on stage at the UCB Theater, and each have, like, a six or seven minute monologue.

And then I turned on the house lights and throw open the floor to questions as the character as a character.

Yeah, improvised the answers.

Now, which characters you doing on the album?

Are you doing a chip Gardner Chip Gardner is one.

Yes, Chip Gardner is like he's an old game show host from the eighties or so, whose face has been terribly disfigured in a botched suicide attempt.

And he's running for he's running for honorary mayor of Hollywood, a position which has been left vacant for nine years already.

And he's, uh, he's also in about Satan ists, and so one of his promises, if you vote for him is to bring Satan's kingdom to earth.

He really believes that Satan will rise from a lake of fire in rain, chaos and destruction upon the world.

And I'll be ruling at his side when that happens.

Okay, he says it all with this nice sort of announcer's voice.

He and and he wants to be the mayor of Hollywood.

Yes, the honorary mayor of Hollywood Position, appointed by the Chamber of Commerce.

Just write him a letter and let them know Chip gardeners, your man for honorary mayor of Hollywood, this Chip Gardner have any real talent?

Did your hearing it right here?

He's got pretty good enunciation, and, uh, that's about that's about it for talents.

Eso He's one of the characters.

Another character of yours is, uh, Don de Mello tell us about Don D'Mello.

Well, Don de Mello is a theatrical director.

He is the director of the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular, and he spends a lot of time working on the rockets.

That's the part of the show that young is very intimately involved with the rockets.

If you become if you get him hooked on heroin they'll do anything you tell them to dio.

You make sure they're all the exact same heights with the same smile, and they're kicking the legs up in a perfect time.

So he's an old creep who wants to work intimately with the rock cats.

Yes, that part of the show is just for Daddy.

Where did that character come from?

I saw the show that Radio City, you know, it's all for kids.

It's got Santa Claus.

It's fully a Children show.

And then all of a sudden, in the middle of it, outcomes this throwback to the Ziegfeld Follies leggy can can dancers And it just seems I liken odd combo.

I just thought, Yeah, that's I think that's in there for Daddy on.

There's gotta be a guy behind the scenes going faster, higher, more smiles s and the Rockets are saying, Why are we in this?

This is for like four and five year olds.

You'll do it.

You told Yeah, Uh, no more candy.

One of your very popular characters that you featured on our show several times is Dalton Wilcox, who's a cowboy.

He's a cowboy, but there's a twist, as there always is.

with your characters.

I'll put on my my cowboy hat to be don't Wilcox.

And I also feel like this character needs a mustache.

Oh, dear.

But I don't have, uh I don't have glue for it.

So if you don't mind, I'm just gonna hold this mustache in place.

We're all doing what we can during covitz, so it's a difficult time.

But, you know, a lot of cowboys will do this.

A lot of cowboys will just hold no cowboys walk around holding their mustache.

No, you're wrong about that code, and a lot of cowboys have to hold.

Their mustache is in place out there on the plains where the winds are whipping up.

It's hard to keep a mustache down.

Conan, the facts.

Are you saying, Mr Wilcox, that Sam Elliott, the famous with his famous mustache, has to be holding it on all the time?

Absolutely.

They say 3 to 1 take and he puts his fingers away.

But they called fingers back up there.

He's got a hold that mustache on.

It won't stay there, but for a few minutes.

Uh huh.

Yeah, well, I am adult Wilcox.

I am the poet laureate of the West.

And, uh, in addition, he's like, I'm a cowboy poet.

You understand?

A real cowboy.

Understand?

Riel?

American West.

Not that bullshit West you're living in out there in California.

I'm talking about the real West.

Really West Ridge, the rial American West.

And in addition to being our nation's foremost collector and chronicler of the wit, the wisdom of the West, I am also very, unfortunately, plagued by vampires.

Okay, this is the part I wanted to get to Dalton Wilcox.

Very great.

A poet of the High Plains.

Ah, wonderful cowboy character.

But he's obsessed with vampires, and he thinks that vampires air after him all the time.

Well, I'd say they're obsessed with May Cone and I can't go anywhere but the vampire doesn't come up and try and kill Mitt.

I'll give you an example.

Uh, just just the other day, I parked my truck in a parking meter and I put a couple of nickels in there and I went about my business.

And then when I came back, some fellow was putting the ticket on the windshield.

That happens, marks right up to that son of a gun.

And I says, Hey, are you a damn vampire?

And he basically said that He waas I knew it.

I knew the second I saw.

Did he say he was a vampire?

Well, he said, Vampire, what are you talking about?

And that's what they all say, Conan.

Chapter and verse.

That's what that's what a vampire always says when you ask him point blank.

If he's a vampire, he says, Oh, that's what a traffic cop says.

Who's giving tickets?

It was writing a ticket, if you ask him.

Are you a vampire?

He says, No, I'm not a vampire.

I've never run into a traffic cop Corn, and I'll just run into lots of vampires out there.

Tickets on my windshield.

Anyway, I got struck him in the heart with a stake of Wood Conan.

Okay, No, but he didn't have time to read the ticket.

Do I have to pay that ticket?

Do you know if I have to pay the ticket?

If I killed the man who wrote it?

Yes, you dio you have to still pay the ticket.

That that that ain't right.

Yeah.

Okay, let's move on.

I have a question for Andy daily.

If you still around Uh oh.

In there.

Andy.

I'm here.

Andy.

Um, I'm just curious grills.

When you look at this kid, you have no idea that all that sicknesses inside him.

Oh, did you know that he looks such like such a sweet kid and a tie aside, There's no sign of evil or problems.

I don't know.

I was going for Bono, Joshua Tree at the time.

And to this day, I still don't know how I went wrong.