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  • Hey, sorry.

  • Someone's drawing my attention over here.

  • He's here tonight.

  • Thank you for being here, Love.

  • Welcome to a late show.

  • I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

  • Well, the thing that keeps happening is still happening.

  • But now, much more so every day the US hits a new terrible milestone in the pandemic and in the president.

  • But let's start with the pandemic.

  • We should all brace ourselves, folks, because the post Thanksgiving coronavirus surge is just starting.

  • No surprise.

  • We all saw the pictures even before the parade.

  • That boss baby was not staying 6 ft away from anyone.

  • But there's hope on the way.

  • I'll give you the details in tonight's edition.

  • Off Catch a third wave.

  • Endless bummer.

  • My cousin is the Musa next man.

  • Yeah, Get out way right now.

  • The Pfizer vaccine is being administered in the UK, and we're learning from them.

  • What to expect.

  • Health authorities in the UK say that people with severe allergies should not receive the vaccine.

  • Oh, I hope this means the vaccine is a peanut butter cookie.

  • Also in stateside vaccine trials, participants warn of intense symptoms after the second shot, saying I developed a low grade fever and had chills.

  • And I believe we have some footage of that man after his inoculation.

  • I got you them Moto E Hope he's OK.

  • Do you have any idea of what it looks like now?

  • Oh, good Lord, I just pray he doesn't develop Saturday Night Fever.

  • Oh, no.

  • Who really needs a vaccine?

  • Everybody, but especially the cruise ship industry, they're one of the first industries to be completely shut down by coronavirus.

  • But now Royal Caribbean is back.

  • They've launched a socially distance, ultra sanitized experience.

  • They're calling the co vid secure cruise.

  • That is great news.

  • Now the only disease you can get on a cruise is all the other ones.

  • Plus, if there's one thing that's never backfired, is bragging about how safe your giant cruise ship is.

  • Just ask the director of marketing for Royal Caribbean.

  • I'm the king of good ideas.

  • Wow!

  • Wow!

  • Wow!

  • Oh, he's really excited.

  • I was really excited.

  • Some of the ship's covert precautions include sailing at half capacity with mandatory masks at all times, mingling, discouraged and no stop.

  • So you're on a big ship, but it doesn't dock anywhere, and you can't see anyone perfect vacation have you been cooped up in quarantine for the last nine months and thought, I love my apartment, but I wish it was smaller and gave me motion sickness.

  • The cruise set sail this week and everything was going great until passengers woke up to this announcement from the Captain.

  • For now, this is the information I have to share with you, I guess was feeling well unwell on tested positive for Cove in 19.

  • 0, not so covitz secure.

  • After all, that is the worst announcement you can hear on a cruise ship After the hypnotist will be stopping by your tables in just a moment.

  • No one could have seen this one coming except everyone, because just three weeks ago, the first cruise tow launch since the pandemic was forced to return to its home port after passengers tested positive for Cove in 19.

  • But Royal Caribbean went ahead with their crews.

  • Anyway, I guess they were just following the advice of that famous inspirational poster.

  • If it first you don't succeed, try cramming 2000 people onto a different floating hot zone with unlimited room temperature shrimp.

  • January 20th cannot come fast enough when America will usher in a glorious new era of basic competence.

  • Yesterday, President elect Joe Biden unveiled more members of his knowing how to do things.

  • Task force Starting with naming Dr Vivek Murthy as his nominee for surgeon general, he'll be replacing the outgoing surgeon general, a tongue depressor with googly eyes.

  • But Joe did stumble just a little, pronouncing both the title and name of his nominee for health and human services, Javier Becerra, for secretary of health and education.

  • That I nominated Javier Bacteria Close.

  • Damn close.

  • It's Health and Human Services.

  • Health and education is the name of the high school class where you teach Javier to wear a condom so he doesn't get bacteria.

  • Biden also nominated former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack to reprise his Obama administration role as U.

  • S agriculture secretary.

  • Now it's been several years since he's had the job.

  • Hopefully, he still remembers how Corn works Bill stock attack.

  • Biden also set the bar for best name in his administration by nominating Ohio representative Marcia Fudge as his housing and Urban development secretary.

  • Fudge that is wonderful, though she has been dogged by allegations that she was steering valuable government catering contracts to her nephew e L.

  • And it also looks like Biden might do a solid for his former primary opponent and man who set the Photoshop filter to all people.

  • Buddha Judge because apparently old booty boots is being lined up his Biden's U S.

  • Ambassador to China.

  • Wait a minute.

  • Wait a minute.

  • Pete Buddha Jed speaks eight languages English, Norwegian, Spanish, French, Italian, Maltese, Arabic and Dari but not Mandarin.

  • You're sending him to the only place on the planet where he doesn't speak the language.

  • That's not an ambassadorship.

  • That's the plot of Emily in Paris.

  • Despite Biden's appointments, our current president continues to deny reality.

  • I'll give you the latest in the lame nous of his sameness in tonight's screw screw Screw your vote.

  • Ignorant, coveted 19 Andi therapy therapy, Therapy therapy You all are but a dream.

  • A road from the White House.

  • The president's legal losing streak continues.

  • Yesterday, the Nevada Supreme Court rejected his campaign's appeal to overturn Biden's win, and the Supreme Court rejected Pennsylvania Republicans attempt to block Biden's victory.

  • This president hasn't faced this much rejection since every single time he has tried toe hold Melania's, and so he's getting more desperate this afternoon in an attempt to prove something the president tweeted at 10 p.m. On election evening, we were at 97% win with the so called bookies.

  • First of all, that's not true.

  • Second of all, shut up.

  • Third.

  • It wouldn't matter if the bookies had given you odds at 10 PM Bookies don't decide who's president.

  • It's the Electoral College, not the electoral cockfight.

  • Here's something White House aides are now speculating.

  • The president is planning to give out mass pardons.

  • Not really the behavior expect to see from someone who's gonna be around for another four years.

  • If your 90 year old grandpa starts taking a trip to Italy, skydives and has a threesome, he's not crossing items off his live forever list.

  • I don't know who's having a threesome with a 90 year old were good for you, Grandpa reportedly reportedly.

  • The president wants to hand out pardons even to people not asking for them.

  • When you're a lame duck, they let you do it.

  • According to 18 he's threatened to pardon every person who ever talked to me, including notorious crime boss Jimmy the grimace.

  • But the offers haven't always been welcome.

  • You see one potential pardon.

  • He explained that the offer felt awkward because the advisor didn't believe they had committed any crimes.

  • Oh, they don't believe they've committed any crimes.

  • But just wait till the president's memoir.

  • It was all Greg's idea, the fact that you accepted apart and just makes you look guilty.

  • One person who was threatened with clemency said they believed being on the list could hurt their public persona.

  • Oh, don't worry.

  • If you work for this administration, you're gonna wanna keep your persona hidden from the public.

  • But the news isn't all pandemics and politics.

  • There's some fun news because yesterday, just a few blocks from where I sit, a humpback whale was spotted in the Hudson River.

  • No one knows exactly why the whale came to the Big Apple, but Marine scientists speculate that the most plausible reason is that he wants to be on Broadway.

  • We have cell phone footage of the whale in the Hudson.

  • Mobs obviously gonna have to update their threats.

  • Now what the hell is this?

  • That's the city of message.

  • That means the local process for Alex with the humpbacks.

  • The whale even paid a visit to the statue of liberty.

  • Isn't that beautiful?

  • I didn't stop there.

  • Hit all the tourist spots.

  • Three Empire State Building went on a carriage ride in Central Park.

  • Even visited a couple of old pals.

  • Speaking of unlikely visitors, aliens are evidently really because according to the former Israeli space Security chief, extraterrestrials exist and they are already here.

  • That's amazing.

  • In fact, we have footage of Israeli scientists making contact.

  • Um, uh huh.

  • We've got a great show for you tonight.

Hey, sorry.

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B2 TheLateShow cruise biden president whale javier

Biden Assembles His Cabinet As The President Tweets On And W.H. Aides Fuel Rumors Of Mass Pardons

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/19
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