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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HO, HO, HO!

  • AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, SUSIE?

  • WELL, OF COURSE CHRISTMAS ISN'T CANCELLED.

  • A LITTLE PLAGUE NEVER STOPPED OLE ST. NICK.

  • I'VE BEEN HIGH RISK FOR CENTURIES.

  • >> HOLD STILL, SANTA!

  • >> YOU REALLY GO ALL THE WAY UP THE CHIMNEY, HUH?

  • MERRY CHRISTMAS.

  • YES, THAT'S FINE.

  • JUST GLAZE MY COOKIES WITH PURELL.

  • >> SANTA, YOU'RE ON MUTE.

  • >> SON OF A GRINCH!

  • OH, COME ON, BUMBLE!

  • PUT ON A MASK!

  • HOW HARD IS THIS?!

  • >> FIRE FAUCI!

  • HOAX!

  • STOP THE STEAL!

  • >> READ A NEWSPAPER, YOU HOOLIGAN!

  • ( TRAIN WHISTLE ) >> HEY, SANTA!

  • OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN

  • BA DA BA DA DAAA CHRISTMAS TRAIN

  • >> WHAT'S HAPPENING?

  • >> IT'S THAT NEW OLD PRESIDENT!

  • >> IS OBAMA WITH HIM?

  • >> NO.

  • >> AWWWW.

  • >> WHAT'S UP, TINY FOLKS?

  • SANTA!

  • >> PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN!

  • HOW DID YOU TAKE THE MAGIC CHRISTMAS CHOO-CHOO TRAIN?

  • IT ONLY BOARDS IN CHILDREN'S IMAGINATIONS.

  • >> I GOT ALL THE SCHEDULES, JACK.

  • >> IT'S KRIS.

  • WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

  • >> I CAME TO HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.

  • MMM, BEARD SMELLS GOOD.

  • >> OKAY, JOEY.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?

  • >> A ROOMBA, SOME ICE CREAM, AND A WAY TO BRING ALL AMERICANS

  • TOGETHER IN PEACE AND BROTHERHOOD.

  • >> OH, BOY.

  • COME WITH ME.

  • BEHOLD!

  • THE HOLY SACK OF CLAUS, HANDED DOWN TO US ON MT. NOG BY THE

  • SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS HIMSELF.

  • FOR MILLENNIA, IT HAS DELIVERED TO MANKIND WHAT HE MOST DESIRES.

  • THIS YEAR, MOSTLY BOOZE AND PLAYSTATION 5.

  • >> MAGIC SACK.

  • >> IF YOUR CHRISTMAS WISH IS TO UNITE THE COUNTRY, PEEK INSIDE,

  • AND THE SACK WILL PROVIDE.

  • >> A MASK?

  • HOW'S THAT GOING TO BRING AMERICANS TOGETHER?

  • THEY WON'T EVEN WEAR IT.

  • >> LOOK!

  • >> BACON-SCENTED!

  • >> IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

  • WE'LL HUFF OUR WAY TO HEALTH!

  • >> SANTA, COME QUICK!

  • >> BUMBLE'S ALL OVER CNN!

  • >> BREAKING NEWS.

  • WE'RE HERE AT THE FOUR SEASONS BRAZILIAN BODY WAX AND EMBALMING

  • EMPORIUM WHERE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAVE CALLED AN EMERGENCY

  • PA-RUM-PUM PRESS CONFERENCE.

  • >> GOOD AFTERNOON.

  • I'LL MAKE THIS QUICK, BECAUSE THE EMBALMING FUMES ARE MAKING

  • ME DIZZY.

  • A MR. BUMBLE HAS SENT PHOTOS FROM THE NORTH POLE WITH

  • EVIDENCE OF TRILLIONS OF BALLOTS FOR TRUMP HIDDEN IN SANTA'S BIG

  • MAGIC SACK.

  • THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DEMAND ACCESS TO THE SACK!

  • RELEASE THE SACK!

  • ( FART ) >> EWW!

  • >> WELL, IF RUDY'S IN CHARGE, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE NOTHING FEAR

  • HERE.

  • >> OH, CRAP.

  • >> MITCH McCONNELL?

  • >> SEASONS GREETING, HERR KRINGLE.

  • MR. BIDEN.

  • >> WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE MITCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS.

  • >> HAND OVER THAT SACK!

  • >> FROM MY COLD, DEAD MITTENS!

  • >> I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.

  • >> BUMBLE, NO!

  • PLEASE, MITCH, YOU'LL DESTROY CHRISTMAS.

  • >> AND OUR LAST HOPE TO UNITE AMERICA.

  • >> OH, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

  • MR. PRESIDENT, THE PARTRIDGE IS IN THE PEAR TREE.

  • >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

  • >> IT MEANS WE GOT THE SACK.

  • WE WENT OVER THIS, MR. PRESIDENT.

  • NOW, LET'S GO.

  • >> YOU MANIACS!

  • YOU SCROOGED IT UP!

  • >> THERE GOES THE BACON!

  • WE GOT TO STOP 'EM!

  • >> IT'S OVER, JOE.

  • THEY TOOK THE SACK.

  • >> YOU LISTEN TO ME.

  • THE REAL SACK HAS ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT HERE.

  • >> HEART SACK.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • NOW COME ON, JACK.

  • WE GOT A CHRISTMAS TO SAVE.

  • AND THIS YEAR, OLD 46 IS FLYING SLEIGH FORCE ONE!

  • >> YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY TO DRIVE?

  • >> NOPE.

  • LET'S GO GET YOUR SACK BACK, JACK!

  • >> WE'RE HERE LIVE AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE THE PRESIDENT HAS

  • CALLED AN EMERGENCY EGG-NOG-AURATION.

  • >> TONIGHT, THE SACK WILL PROVE THAT I AM THE RIGHTFUL COMMANDER

  • IN CHIEF AND COMMANDER IN CLAUS.

  • HOS, HOS, HOS!

  • >> THE BABE IS ALMOST IN THE MANGER.

  • >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

  • >> OH, COME ON, DID NO ONE READ THE CODE BOOK!

  • >> ON AMTRAK, ON ACELA, ONBOARD DINING!

  • HEY, SANTA, THERE'S SOMETHING I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

  • >> WHAT'S THAT?

  • >> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LAND A TRAIN.

  • >> LOWER THE SACK!

  • THAT'S IT, BRING IT BACK!

  • >> NOW, I JUST OPEN THE SACK, AND GET WHATEVER MY HEART

  • DESIRES.

  • DN'T THINK ABOUT IVANKA.

  • DON'T THINK ABOUT IVANKA.

  • >> YOU SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?

  • >> IT'S THE SAME WAY I SAVED NAKATOMI PLAZA.

  • YIPPEE-KI-YAY, NUTCRACKER!

  • >> WHOOOOO!

  • >> TIME TO OPEN THE BALLOTS!

  • A VERY MERRY ELECTION TO ME!

  • >> ENOUGH OF THIS FA-LA-LA COUP D'ETAT!

  • >> SANTA?

  • >> AND JOE BIDEN?!

  • I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU.

  • >> NO, I BEAT YOUR ASS IN THE ELECTION, REMEMBER?

  • >> OH, YEAH.

  • SEIZE THEM SNOW BEAST!

  • ( ROARING ) >> DAMN IT, BUMBLE!

  • >> DONALD, I WARN YOU!

  • WOE UNTO HIM WHO OPENS THE SACK FOR HIS OWN GAIN.

  • >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

  • >> IT MEANS IT'S CHRISTMAS!

  • THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

  • >> EVERYTHING'S ABOUT ME.

  • >> DONALD!

  • NOOOOO!

  • DON'T LOOK AT IT, JOE!

  • >> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

  • ( SCREAMING ) >> IT'S OKAY.

  • THIS IS NORMAL.

  • ( ROARING ) >> ARE THEY OKAY?

  • THEY'RE FINE, JUST POWERLESS.

  • EMPTY, IT'S EMPTY.

  • >> NO, DONALD, IT'S FULL.

  • AS FULL AS THE HEART THAT PEEK >> ARE THEY OKAY?

  • ED IN.

  • >> YOU MADE MY HOLIDAYS A LIVING HELL.

  • >> I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

  • >> IT'S CHRISTMAS.

  • IN THERE, YOU CAN ALWAYS BE PRESIDENT.

  • >> AND ONLY IN THERE.

  • >> SANTA!

  • >> GUM DROP, MUFFIN!

  • YOU'RE ALIVE!

  • >> ALIVE, BUT LATE.

  • >> IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS MORNING.

  • >> HEY, SANTA, IS IT OKAY IF CHRISTMAS IS A LITTLE LATE THIS

  • YEAR?

  • >> IT'S 2020.

  • ( BLEEP ) IT.

  • >> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, WEAR A DAMN MASK!

  • >> AND STAY HO-HO-HOME.

  • OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN

  • HOW LOVELY ARE THY AMTRAK.

  • "OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN.

  • HOW YOU SAVED SANTA'S BIG SACK.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> HO, HO, HO!

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