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  • ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON.

  • >> Jon: HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

  • WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT SONG WE WERE HEARING COMING OUT OF

  • THE BUMPER THERE.

  • >> Jon: THAT'S CHICK CORIA'S "SPAIN."

  • AMAZING SONG.

  • >> Stephen: JON, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE ALIENS THAT THE HEAD

  • OF THE ISRAELI SPACE AGENCY HAS SAID THAT ALIENS ARE REAL AND

  • THEY'RE IN THE UNITED STATES AND IN ISRAEL, AND THEY JUST CAN'T

  • TELL US ABOUT THEM YET BECAUSE WE'LL FREAK OUT.

  • WOULD YOU FREAK OUT IF YOU FOUND OUT THERE WAS A GALACTIC

  • FEDERATION?

  • >> I MEAN, I ALREADY BELIEVE IT.

  • HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "MEN IN BLACK" WHEN HE GOES TO THE CONVENIENCE

  • STORE, AND THE GUY'S SELLING THE STUFF, AND HE'S THE ALIEN

  • UNDERNEATH.

  • I BELIEVE IT, MAN.

  • >> Stephen: PEOPLE TELL ME I'VE SEEN "MEN IN BLACK," BUT I

  • CAN'T REMEMBER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Jon: WELL, I-- I'LL TELL YOU AFTERWARDS, THEY HAD A THING

  • -- >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY

  • MUSH FOR OUR ALIENS OVERLORDS, JON.

  • >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • THE OVERLORDIANS.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: SURE.

  • THAT'S EITHER FOR THE ALIENS, OR MR. ROGERS' LAND OF MAKE

  • BELIEVE.

  • >> Jon: YEAH!

  • >> Stephen: IT'S A FINE LINE, A FINE LINE.

  • JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.

  • >> Jon: YES, INDEED.

  • >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW,

  • I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL EAMES CHAIRS,

  • AND UP-TO-THE-MINUTE SOUND SYSTEM, THEN CLEANING THE

  • FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS IN THE "ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST"-WORTHY

  • BACHELOR PAD THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I TAKE A TRIP DOWN THE RAILROAD

  • TRACKS, TREK BAREFOOT TO A RUSTY METAL HATCH IN THE SIDE OF A

  • CULVERT, CRACK OPEN A JUG OF MOONSHINE, AND SIT BACK AND

  • RELAX IN THE ABANDONED NICKEL MINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY

  • SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL ATHLETICS IS ABOUT

  • TO GET-- I WANT TO SAY, FLY?-- WITH THE NEWS THAT "BREAKDANCING

  • HAS BECOME AN OFFICIAL OLYMPIC SPORT FOR THE 2024 GAMES IN

  • PARIS."

  • FINALLY!

  • WE'RE GOING TO SEE WORLD-CLASS ATHLETES BUST OUT THE OLYMPIC

  • BOOGALOO, JUST LIKE THE ANCIENT GREEKS DID.

  • EXCEPT THEY'D BE ALL NAKED AND GREASED WITH OLIVE OIL.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "IKEA WILL STOP PUBLISHING ITS ICONIC

  • CATALOG AFTER 70 YEARS OF DOING SO."

  • AT ITS PEAK, 200 MILLION COPIES OF THE CATALOG IN 32 DIFFERENT

  • LANGUAGES WERE DISTRIBUTED WORLDWIDE.

  • THOSE ARE INSANE PUBLISHING NUMBERS.

  • THE ONLY THING THAT'S EVER DONE BETTER IS "HARRY POTTER AND THE

  • UNBUILDABLE EKTORP."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, CELEBRITY CHEF GORDON RAMSAY IS OPENING A NEW

  • RESTAURANT IN LONDON THAT WILL SERVE A $106 BURGER.

  • FOR THAT PRICE, THE BURGER BETTER COME WITH A SIDE OF

  • FRIES AND $100.

  • ACCORDING TO AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT, THE NEW RESTAURANT

  • PLANS TO "PROVIDE A TASTE OF AMERICA."

  • LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, GORDO.

  • AMERICA DOESN'T TASTE LIKE A $106 BURGER.

  • AMERICA TASTES LIKE A 99 CENT VALUE MEAL THAT YOU BUY AT A

  • DRIVE-THROUGH THEN JAM IN YOUR FACE SO FAST THAT YOUR TONGUE

  • NEVER HAS THE CHANCE TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR BRAIN THAT

  • YOU'VE EATEN.

  • DIPPED IN RANCH.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, MONOLITHS HAVE BEEN HOGGING SO MUCH ATTENTION

  • THAT WE'VE BARELY NOTICED THAT DAYS AFTER A LARGE PHALLUS

  • SCULPTURE MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED FROM A BAVARIAN

  • MOUNTAINSIDE, A SIMILAR PHALLUS SCULPTURE HAS APPEARED IN ITS

  • PLACE.

  • MOVE OVER, MONOLITH.

  • HELLO, MONO-DONG.

  • DONGO-LITH.

  • THERE IS ONE NOTABLE DIFFERENCE WITH THE NEW PHALLUS SCULPTURE.

  • APPARENTLY, THIS ONE IS SLIGHTLY LARGER.

  • IMPRESSIVE.

  • USUALLY WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR GIANT PHALLUS SCULPTURE ON A

  • COLD BAVARIAN MOUNTAIN, THEY TEND TO GET SMALLER.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, CZECH POLICE ARE SEEKING HELP AFTER A DEER

  • TURNED THE TABLES ON HUNTERS AND SNAGGED A PURSUER'S RIFLE ON HIS

  • ANTLERS BEFORE RUNNING AWAY.

  • ANOTHER HUNTER LATER SPOTTED THE DEER ABOUT A KILOMETER AWAY,

  • STILL CARRYING THE GUN.

  • A SCARY SIGHT, TRUE, BUT A FANTASTIC SEQUEL TO "BAMBI."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CANDLE NEWS, CUSTOMERS ARE SLAMMING

  • YANKEE CANDLES FOR BEING SCENTLESS, WITH SOME OBSERVERS

  • SPECULATING THAT COVID HAS RAVAGED THE CANDLE-LOVING

  • COMMUNITY-- YES, IT'S A COMMUNITY-- WITHOUT THEIR

  • KNOWLEDGE.

  • IF YOU CAN'T SMELL A YANKEE CANDLE, SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY

  • WRONG WITH YOUR NOSE.

  • THESE THINGS ARE NOT SUBTLE.

  • THE GENEVA CONVENTION FORBIDS SUBJECTING PRISONERS OF

  • WAR TO CRANBERRY CHUTNEY.

  • ONE NEGATIVE REVIEW READS, "I PURCHASED THREE OF THESE.

  • WHAT A WASTE.

  • THERE'S VIRTUALLY NO SCENT TO THESE AT ALL!

  • IF I WASN'T CONFINED TO MY HOME BECAUSE OF COVID, I WOULD RETURN

  • THESE FOR SURE."

  • "NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO EAT A STICK OF

  • DEODORANT ON TIKTOK.

  • NOT SURE WHY I CAN DO THAT NOW, BUT I'M SUING TOM OF MAINE!

  • LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!" I WAS IN CHARACTER JUST THEN.

  • SO, CLEARLY, COVID IS DISRUPTING THE SCENTED CANDLE SCENE.

  • BUT WHERE SOME SEE A CRISIS, YANKEE CANDLE SEES AN

  • OPPORTUNITY.

  • JIM?

  • >> NOW THAT COVID-19 HAS ROBBED MANY AMERICANS OF THEIR ABILITY

  • TO SMELL, HERE AT YANKEE CANDLE, WE FIGURED WHAT BETTER TIME TO

  • UNLOAD SOME OF OUR EXPERIMENTAL FACTORY REJECTS?

  • IF YOU CAN'T SMELL ANYTHING, YOU'LL LOVE YANKEE CANDLE'S NEW

  • PANDEMIC AROMAS, INCLUDING EMPTY SUBWAY CAR, BATHROOM

  • SPONGE FANTASIA, AND FACE MASK BURP.

  • WE'VE GOT A WAREHOUSE CHOCK-FULL OF THESE TERRIBLE-SMELLING FREAK

  • CANDLES, AND EITHER WE SELL THEM NOW, OR EAT THE COST.

  • SO, IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS CORONAVIRUS, THEY MIGHT ENJOY

  • TEENAGER'S PILLOWCASE, COMIC-CON HOTEL, AND HOARDER'S SECRET.

  • LISTEN, WHEN YOU'RE MIXING THIS MANY CANDLES AND SCENTS

  • TOGETHER, SOMETIMES YOU GET A WINNER, AND SOMETIMES YOU SUMMON

  • A DEMON WHO WILL TURN YOUR NOSTRILS INTO THE NINTH CIRCLE

  • OF HELL WITH SCENTS INCLUDING JULY OUTHOUSE, MICROWAVED COD,

  • AND RANDY QUAID.

  • YANKEE CANDLE.

  • ( GAGGING ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

  • WITH THE HOSTS OF "SLATE POLITICAL GABFEST," JOHN

  • DICKERSON, EMILY BAZELON, AND DAVID PLOTZ.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

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B2 TheLateShow jon candle yankee stephen quarantine

Quarantinewhile... Can't Smell Anything? We Have A Candle For You

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/19
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