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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to

  • "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Here we are.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, last night, the Electoral College

  • cast their votes and sealed the deal for Joe Biden.

  • Yep, Biden is now officially the president-elect

  • and congratulations have started coming in from everywhere.

  • Check out who we heard from today.

  • -Russian President Vladimir Putin

  • finally acknowledging Biden's victory,

  • congratulating him in a telegram,

  • reportedly writing, in part...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I am ready for interaction and contacts with you."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's actually what Mike Pence said on his honeymoon.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • Wow.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Putin reached out to Biden. He was like --

  • [ As Putin ] Send me everyone's contact info.

  • [ Laughter ] Oops, I already have.

  • [ Laughter ] Then he said --

  • [ As Putin ] Send me everyone's Netflix password.

  • Oops, I already have, too.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even Putin recognized Biden's win as a tough break for Trump.

  • In just a few days, his Supreme Court

  • and his supreme leader went against him.

  • [ Laughter and awws ]

  • I think Putin is relieved Trump is out.

  • All day long, he's been singing --

  • [ As Putin ] ♪ Since you've been gone

  • ♪ I can breathe for the first time

  • [ Laughter ]

  • As if the news wasn't bad enough for Trump, moments later,

  • Rudy Giuliani popped into the Oval Office like --

  • [ As Giuliani ] Don't worry, boss. You still got me.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ugh!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Not just Putin. Today, for the first time,

  • Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell

  • also recognized Biden as president-elect. Watch this.

  • -The Electoral College

  • has spoken.

  • So today, I want to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden.

  • I also want to congratulate the vice president-elect,

  • our colleague from California, Senator Harris.

  • -McConnell has all the enthusiasm

  • of a Chili's waiter singing you "Happy Birthday."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • McConnell told Biden and Harris congrats and then said --

  • [ As McConnell ] I'm looking forward to making your next four years

  • a living nightmare.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, now that Senate Republicans

  • have recognized Biden's win,

  • Trump finally seems like he's ready to move on.

  • This morning, he tweeted...

  • Just kidding. He tweeted...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At this point, the only tremendous evidence

  • is just him tweeting that there's tremendous evidence.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He doesn't seem to realize that a tweet

  • from liberaltearsdrinker9000 is not "tremendous evidence."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yet, the White House staff saw Trump's tweet and was like,

  • "You don't have to move on, but you do have to move."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Joe Biden is continuing

  • to fill out his Cabinet and today,

  • he picked Pete Buttigieg

  • to serve as secretary of Transportation.

  • That's exciting. Buttigieg will be

  • the first Transportation secretary

  • whose feet don't even reach the pedals.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Aww!

  • -When asked if Buttigieg

  • has transportation experience, Biden said, "Yeah,

  • he built Santa's sleigh."

  • [ Laughter ] -No! -Boo!

  • -Some more big news from Washington.

  • -Boo! -Last night,

  • Trump went on Twitter and announced

  • that his attorney general, William Barr,

  • is resigning on December 23rd.

  • -Aww. -Whoo! [ Clapping ]

  • -It's all part of Trump's annual

  • 12 Days of Pink Slips.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, Barr's quitting now?

  • That's like waiting until the last five minutes

  • of "The Emoji Movie" to walk out of the theater.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That's right, Barr is leaving before Christmas

  • to spend holidays with his family.

  • Americans heard and we're like, "Yeah, we all do that,

  • but then, we come back to work."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, you guys, there's a lot going on in the news today.

  • Trump is still claiming he didn't lose the election

  • and, of course, the country's dealing with COVID.

  • Meanwhile, the -- -Man, I'm tired of the news.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What's that, Tariq?

  • -Hmm? -What'd you say?

  • -Oh, I said I'm tired of the news, man.

  • It's always so upsetting.

  • Can we talk about something not in the news?

  • -That's fine with me. I mean, what do you want to talk about?

  • -I don't know. [ Laughter ]

  • What's the most random thing, ever?

  • How about gluten-free bagels?

  • [ Laughter ] -Fine, gluten-free bagels.

  • They're like regular bagels, without the gluten.

  • They're a good alternative.

  • ♪♪

  • Sorry, Tariq, we just got a news alert.

  • -What is it?

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -What?!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Alright, fine. Let's talk about some other

  • random thing, like lawnmowers.

  • -Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Lawnmowers are used

  • to cut grass. You can ride them or --

  • ♪♪

  • Sorry, Tariq. We have another news alert.

  • -Please don't read it.

  • -I have to. If a graphic comes up,

  • I'm required to read it. It's my job,

  • [ Laughter ] as a comedy news person.

  • I -- -You got to be kidding me.

  • Well, how about basketball, or exotic reptiles?

  • ♪♪ [ Laughter ]

  • Come on!

  • [ Laughter ] You know what? Fine.

  • Just go back to talking about COVID.

  • I don't even care anymore. -No, come on, come on, no.

  • What do you want to talk about?

  • -I don't know! What's the most random stuff, ever?

  • How about like Scotland or Jet Skis, or nightclubs!

  • -Yes, yes, I would love to talk about Scotland or Jet Skis

  • or nightclubs, instead of COVID.

  • I mean, they're all --

  • ♪♪

  • -That's it. 2020 wins, man.

  • I don't know how much longer I can take this!

  • Maybe two more weeks, but that's it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Tariq, there's only two weeks left in 2020.

  • -Oh, cool. I can do that.

  • [ Laughter ] -Tariq Trotter, everyone.

  • [ Applause ] There he is. He can take that. He's cool with that.

  • [ Drumroll, cymbals crash ] He can do that, man.

  • [ Applause ] [ Chuckle ]

  • Well, guys, everyone's excited about the new COVID vaccine

  • and today New Jersey started giving out its first doses.

  • Yeah, people in Jersey were separated into two groups,

  • blood type Ayyy! and blood type Ohhh!

  • [ Cymbals crash ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Apparently, huge fights have already broken out

  • over whether called the vaccine sauce or gravy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this. Amazon owns a company

  • that makes self-driving cars and they just unveiled

  • their new self-driving robo taxi.

  • Take a look at this.

  • Yeah. Asked what influenced their design, they said,

  • "Well, this toaster from Williams-Sonoma."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • On the bright side, we're about to find out

  • that Alexa has road rage.

  • -Cut me off again and I'll cut you, bitch.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, okay.

  • Hey, this is going viral -- a lot of people are talking

  • about the new photos that recently emerged

  • of the world's loneliest house,

  • just south of Iceland. Take a look at this thing.

  • Yeah.

  • Oh, and I'm just being told the house was sold

  • to a first lady who wishes to remain anonymous.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, the other day in France,

  • police recovered $6 million worth of wine

  • that was stolen by a gang.

  • In France, stealing wine is a serious crime.

  • The thieves will now be put in a cellar

  • where they'll age 10 to 15 years.

  • What a show we have for you tonight.

  • Joining us, in-studio,

  • you can see her in the upcoming film

  • "Wonder Woman 1984."

  • She's also hosting "Saturday Night Live"

  • this weekend, with musical guest Dua Lipa.

  • Kristen Wiig is here!

  • [ Drumroll, cymbals crash ] [ Cheering and applause ]

  • [ Drumming ]

  • [ Scat singing "Wipeout" ]

  • [ Playing "Wipeout" ]

  • [ Laughter ] -[ Laughs ]

  • Wipeout! ♪

  • -Yeah. You'd think you'd jump right in that.

  • -Yeah. -You didn't.

  • -Hey, he didn't -- -That's alright.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Thanks for nothing.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Plus, he's host of "The Graham Norton Show"

  • on BBC America. Graham Norton is here!

  • [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪

  • And we got music from...

  • Jack Harlow!

  • ♪♪

  • Guys, we have exactly

  • [ Thump ] four shows left

  • [ Laughter ] before --

  • before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time

  • for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It's for 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters.

  • ♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters

  • Four days left

  • That's right, every show between now and Christmas,

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • a bodacious Christmas sweater

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Now, since there are four shows left...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...let's open door number 4.

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • -♪ Hup, 2, 3, 4 ♪

  • [ Playing "Wipeout" ]

  • Oh!

  • Oh!

  • Oh! Look at that!

  • Can we dim the lights?

  • Because I feel like there's a little extra treat to this.

  • Look at that!

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Look at that.

  • Can you turn it around?

  • There's the back.

  • [ Whistling and applause ]

  • Okay, here we go. Now let's see

  • who's going home with tonight's sweater.

  • Everyone, look at your seat number.

  • If I call your number, come on down.

  • Quest, can I get a drumroll, please? Oh, my God.

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • -1, 2, 3, 4!

  • ♪♪

  • 313!

  • [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • Oh, my goodness!

  • Hello! What is your name and where are you from?

  • -I'm Michonne from New York.

  • -Michelle from New York.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Michelle, welcome.

  • I was going to say, "Do you want to try that sweater on?",