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  • LOOK AT YOU THERE WATCHING THE TV AND ME DOING A SHOW!

  • THIS IS WORKING OUT!

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TO ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS OUT THERE, HAPPY FIRST NIGHT OF

  • CHANUKAH!

  • AND TO MY NON-JEWISH VIEWERS, CH-APPY THCHURSDAY.

  • HANUKKAH IS A BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY WHERE FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD

  • LIGHT THE MENORAH, TELL THE STORY OF THE MACCABEES, AND

  • INSTILL CHILDREN WITH A LIFELONG GAMBLING ADDICTION.

  • "COME ON, GIMEL!

  • SHIN?

  • I CAN'T PUT THREE PIECES OF GELT IN.

  • RABBI HERSCHEL'S GOING TO BUST MY KNEECAPS!"

  • I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT 5781 HAS BEEN ONE LOOONG LUNAR YEAR.

  • IS IT DECEMBER 10?

  • FEELS LIKE THE 289TH OF ADAR.

  • BUT I'M GLAD HANUKKAH'S HERE.

  • WE NEED TO SHINE A LITTLE LIGHT INTO THIS WORLD.

  • BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES SURPASSED 3,000 COVID

  • DEATHS IN A DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

  • LUCKILY, THE VACCINE IS ALREADY BEING ADMINISTERED, AND SHOULD

  • BE APPROVED ANY MINUTE IN AMERICA.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT I IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A

  • THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • >> HEY!

  • I'M AN ANTI-VAXXER!

  • THEY'RE TRYING TO MICROCHIP US, PEOPLE!

  • AHHHH!

  • (AIR HORN) >> Stephen: ENDLESS BUMMER.

  • TODAY, THE F.D.A. ADVISORY PANEL CONSIDERED WHETHER TO GRANT THE

  • PFIZER VACCINE "EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION."

  • THE FIRST DOSES WILL BE ROLLING OUT TO HEALTH WORKERS AND

  • LONG-TERM CARE FACILITY RESIDENTS WITHIN DAYS.

  • THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE WE ARE NOW CALLING THIS SHOW "A

  • LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY."

  • FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY PUDDING!

  • DISTRIBUTION IS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE, IN PART, BECAUSE

  • PFIZER'S VACCINE MUST BE STORED AT MINUS 94 DEGREES.

  • AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THE FIRST PERSON TO GET

  • THIS VACCINE.

  • LOOKING GOOD.

  • NOW, BECAUSE THE VACCINE HAS TO BE SHIPPED THAT COLD, DRY ICE

  • SALES ARE BOOMING.

  • BUT THAT MUCH DRY ICE IS GOING TO REQUIRE SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS,

  • WHICH IS WHY THE C.D.C.

  • RECOMMENDS THAT THE SHOT SHOULD BE ADMINISTERED ONLY BY '80S

  • HAIR BANDS.

  • OF COURSE, WITH ALL THE VACCINE CONSPIRACIES OUT THERE, MANY

  • AMERICANS ARE SAYING: ♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT

  • NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT! ♪ >> STEPHEN: ONE UNFORESEEN

  • PROBLEM?

  • THE CHEESE INDUSTRY IS THREATENED BY THE COVID DRY ICE

  • DEMAND, BECAUSE DRY ICE IS ESSENTIAL IN MAKING DAIRY

  • CULTURES, USED TO MAKE CHEESE, AND A SHORTAGE WOULD BE

  • DEVASTATING.

  • NO!

  • SNOW, SCIENCE!

  • YOU CAN'T MAKE AMERICANS CHOOSE BETWEEN THE THING WE NEED TO

  • LIVE AND A VACCINE.

  • TELL YOU WHAT, HERE'S A COMPROMISE: JUST INJECT US WITH

  • THE CHEESE.

  • TIME FOR MY BOOSTER SHOT.

  • OH!

  • I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

  • THIS WAS MY IDEA, YOU WILL REMEMBER.

  • IN REWRITE I SAID GIVE IT IN MY MOUTH.

  • SHUT UP NEXT TIME, ME.

  • MEANWHILE, THE ADMINISTRATION, TO TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF OF THE

  • GLOBAL CRISIS THEY'VE TRIED TO IGNORE, LAST NIGHT THREW TWO

  • WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTIES.

  • REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT SKIPPED THE FIRST PARTY BUT

  • STOPPED BY THE SECOND.

  • I'M GUESSING BETWEEN THE TWO PARTIES, SOMEONE MUST HAVE TOLD

  • HIM WHAT LATKES ARE.

  • (AS AIDE) "SIR, THEY'RE POTATOES, BUT

  • THEY'RE DEEP-FRIED AND--" THE PRESIDENT GREETED HIS GUESTS

  • AND SPOKE ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF THIS RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY:

  • >> WE GOT 75-- ALMOST 75 MILLION VOTES.

  • THINK OF THIS.

  • THE FIRST TIME, WE GOT 63 MILLION.

  • SECOND TIME, WE GOT 75 MILLION.

  • >> STEPHEN: NOW, THAT MIGHT SEEM LIKE A PATHETIC OLD MAN CLINGING

  • TO PAST GLORIES, BUT HIS CLAIMS OF ELECTION FRAUD ACTUALLY HAVE

  • A LOT IN COMMON WITH HANUKKAH.

  • THEY BOTH INVOLVE A MYSTERIOUS, ENDLESS SUPPLY OF OIL.

  • OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT'S TIME IN OFFICE IS DWINDLING.

  • YESTERDAY, WE REACHED AN IMPORTANT MILESTONE:

  • ALL 50 STATES AND THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA HAVE NOW CERTIFIED

  • THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION RESULTS.

  • AND THE "LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT JOE BIDEN HAS WON

  • THE 2020 ELECTION.

  • FIVE WEEKS AGO.

  • THAT IS THE TENTH TIME WE'VE PROJECTED THAT, SO NOT ONLY WILL

  • JOE BIDEN BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, HE ALSO

  • WON A FREE SUB.

  • BUT, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES

  • TO ADMIT HE LOST.

  • I'LL SHARE HIS LAST GASPS IN TONIGHT'S THRILLING:

  • I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

  • I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.

  • I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.

  • I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

  • GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.

  • MY PANTS ARE GETTING BROWN!

  • I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

  • GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.

  • I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.

  • I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

  • AND KNOCKED TOWN AND KNOCKED DOWN!

  • >> THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

  • >> Stephen: THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE.

  • THIS IS SALTIER THAN I EXPECTED, THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.

  • THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW PLACED ALL OF HIS HOPES TO OVERTURN

  • DEMOCRACY ON THE SUPREME COURT.

  • SPECIFICALLY, HE'S JOINING A LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY

  • GENERAL AND MAN HOLDING IN A BURP AND A FART AT THE SAME

  • TIME, KEN PAXTON.

  • IN HIS LAWSUIT, PAXTON CLAIMS THAT TEXAS' RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED

  • WHEN MICHIGAN, GEORGIA, PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN

  • CHANGED THEIR ELECTION LAWS TO ALLOW MORE MAIL-IN VOTING.

  • BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO DECIDE THE ELECTION RULES IN OTHER

  • STATES.

  • HE'S NOT JUST CHANGING THE RULES OF THE GAME, HE'S CHANGING THE

  • GAME.

  • IT REMINDS ME OF THAT THRILLING MOMENT IN "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT:"

  • >> YAHTZEE!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STILL PRETTY GOOD.

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.

  • YESTERDAY, PAXTON WAS JOINED BY REPUBLICAN ATTORNEYS GENERAL IN

  • 17 STATES.

  • HMM.

  • I FORGET...

  • WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BUNCH OF STATES BAND TOGETHER TO SAY

  • THE OTHER STATES ELECTED THE WRONG PRESIDENT?

  • SOME SORT OF GROUPING OR "CONFEDERATION" OF STATES.

  • I SEE WHY THEY KEPT ALL THOSE FLAGS.

  • BUT THE SWING STATES GETTING SUED ARE NOT WORRIED.

  • EVEN TEXAS SENATOR AND GALLON OF FROZEN MILK, JOHN CORNYN, TOLD

  • CNN'S MANU RAJU, "I READ JUST THE SUMMARY OF IT, AND I FRANKLY

  • STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND THE LEGAL THEORY OF IT."

  • LET ME EXPLAIN: THE TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL IS JUST

  • CARRYING WATER FOR THE PRESIDENT, CITING THE LANDMARK

  • CASE OF BROWN V. NOSE.

  • CORNYN ADDED, "WHY WOULD A STATE, EVEN SUCH A GREAT STATE

  • AS TEXAS, HAVE A SAY SO ON HOW OTHER STATES ADMINISTER THEIR

  • ELECTIONS?" YEAH!

  • YOU "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS," BUT TEXAS CAN MESS WITH OTHER

  • STATES?

  • I SAY IT'S TIME FOR WISCONSIN TO CHANGE ITS MOTTO TO "WELCOME TO

  • WISCONSIN-- WHAT ALAMO?" BIG FACEBOOK NEWS!

  • NO, YOUR OLD FRIENDS FROM CAMP HAVEN'T STOPPED BEING MAD THAT

  • YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE ZOOM REUNION.

  • YESTERDAY, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND 48 ATTORNEYS GENERAL FILED

  • ANTITRUST LAWSUITS AGAINST FACEBOOK, CALLING IT AN ILLEGAL

  • MONOPOLY.

  • YES, IT'S JUST LIKE MONOPOLY.

  • EXCEPT EVERY TIME YOU PASS GO, INSTEAD OF GETTING $200,

  • ZUCKERBERG SELLS YOUR DATA TO A MOLDOVAN SPAM FARM.

  • THE SUITS SPECIFICALLY POINT TO FACEBOOK'S PURCHASE OF INSTAGRAM

  • AND WHATSAPP, WHICH GAVE CONSUMERS FEWER SOCIAL

  • NETWORKING OPTIONS.

  • SO THE F.T.C. IS SAYING THAT FACEBOOK MUST BE BROKEN UP.

  • TO BE CLEAR, FACEBOOK HAS NOT BEEN BROKEN UP YET, BUT IT HAS

  • CHANGED ITS STATUS TO "IT'S COMPLICATED."

  • OF COURSE, IF FACEBOOK DOES BREAK UP, IT FACES THE DAUNTING

  • TASK OF GOING THROUGH AND MANUALLY UN-TAGGING ALL THE

  • PHOTOS OF IT TOGETHER.

  • NOW, MY WRITERS ASSURE ME THOSE JKES THAT I JUST TOLD MAKE

  • SENSE.

  • I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE Facebook MYSELF.

  • I DO ALL MY SOCIAL NETWORKING ON STEVE-SPACE.

  • IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO HANG OUT, SHARE PHOTOS, AND CATCH UP WITH

  • OTHER STEVES.

  • SEND ME A DIRECT-STEVE, AND I'LL ALLOW YOU TO ACCESS MY

  • STEVE-STREAM.