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LOOK AT YOU THERE WATCHING THE TV AND ME DOING A SHOW!
THIS IS WORKING OUT!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
TO ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS OUT THERE, HAPPY FIRST NIGHT OF
CHANUKAH!
AND TO MY NON-JEWISH VIEWERS, CH-APPY THCHURSDAY.
HANUKKAH IS A BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY WHERE FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD
LIGHT THE MENORAH, TELL THE STORY OF THE MACCABEES, AND
INSTILL CHILDREN WITH A LIFELONG GAMBLING ADDICTION.
"COME ON, GIMEL!
SHIN?
I CAN'T PUT THREE PIECES OF GELT IN.
RABBI HERSCHEL'S GOING TO BUST MY KNEECAPS!"
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT 5781 HAS BEEN ONE LOOONG LUNAR YEAR.
IS IT DECEMBER 10?
FEELS LIKE THE 289TH OF ADAR.
BUT I'M GLAD HANUKKAH'S HERE.
WE NEED TO SHINE A LITTLE LIGHT INTO THIS WORLD.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES SURPASSED 3,000 COVID
DEATHS IN A DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME.
LUCKILY, THE VACCINE IS ALREADY BEING ADMINISTERED, AND SHOULD
BE APPROVED ANY MINUTE IN AMERICA.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT I IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A
THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
>> HEY!
I'M AN ANTI-VAXXER!
THEY'RE TRYING TO MICROCHIP US, PEOPLE!
AHHHH!
(AIR HORN) >> Stephen: ENDLESS BUMMER.
TODAY, THE F.D.A. ADVISORY PANEL CONSIDERED WHETHER TO GRANT THE
PFIZER VACCINE "EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION."
THE FIRST DOSES WILL BE ROLLING OUT TO HEALTH WORKERS AND
LONG-TERM CARE FACILITY RESIDENTS WITHIN DAYS.
THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE WE ARE NOW CALLING THIS SHOW "A
LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY."
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY PUDDING!
DISTRIBUTION IS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE, IN PART, BECAUSE
PFIZER'S VACCINE MUST BE STORED AT MINUS 94 DEGREES.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THE FIRST PERSON TO GET
THIS VACCINE.
LOOKING GOOD.
NOW, BECAUSE THE VACCINE HAS TO BE SHIPPED THAT COLD, DRY ICE
SALES ARE BOOMING.
BUT THAT MUCH DRY ICE IS GOING TO REQUIRE SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS,
WHICH IS WHY THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDS THAT THE SHOT SHOULD BE ADMINISTERED ONLY BY '80S
HAIR BANDS.
OF COURSE, WITH ALL THE VACCINE CONSPIRACIES OUT THERE, MANY
AMERICANS ARE SAYING: ♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪
♪ NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT! ♪ >> STEPHEN: ONE UNFORESEEN
PROBLEM?
THE CHEESE INDUSTRY IS THREATENED BY THE COVID DRY ICE
DEMAND, BECAUSE DRY ICE IS ESSENTIAL IN MAKING DAIRY
CULTURES, USED TO MAKE CHEESE, AND A SHORTAGE WOULD BE
DEVASTATING.
NO!
SNOW, SCIENCE!
YOU CAN'T MAKE AMERICANS CHOOSE BETWEEN THE THING WE NEED TO
LIVE AND A VACCINE.
TELL YOU WHAT, HERE'S A COMPROMISE: JUST INJECT US WITH
THE CHEESE.
TIME FOR MY BOOSTER SHOT.
OH!
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THIS WAS MY IDEA, YOU WILL REMEMBER.
IN REWRITE I SAID GIVE IT IN MY MOUTH.
SHUT UP NEXT TIME, ME.
MEANWHILE, THE ADMINISTRATION, TO TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF OF THE
GLOBAL CRISIS THEY'VE TRIED TO IGNORE, LAST NIGHT THREW TWO
WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTIES.
REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT SKIPPED THE FIRST PARTY BUT
STOPPED BY THE SECOND.
I'M GUESSING BETWEEN THE TWO PARTIES, SOMEONE MUST HAVE TOLD
HIM WHAT LATKES ARE.
(AS AIDE) "SIR, THEY'RE POTATOES, BUT
THEY'RE DEEP-FRIED AND--" THE PRESIDENT GREETED HIS GUESTS
AND SPOKE ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF THIS RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY:
>> WE GOT 75-- ALMOST 75 MILLION VOTES.
THINK OF THIS.
THE FIRST TIME, WE GOT 63 MILLION.
SECOND TIME, WE GOT 75 MILLION.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, THAT MIGHT SEEM LIKE A PATHETIC OLD MAN CLINGING
TO PAST GLORIES, BUT HIS CLAIMS OF ELECTION FRAUD ACTUALLY HAVE
A LOT IN COMMON WITH HANUKKAH.
THEY BOTH INVOLVE A MYSTERIOUS, ENDLESS SUPPLY OF OIL.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT'S TIME IN OFFICE IS DWINDLING.
YESTERDAY, WE REACHED AN IMPORTANT MILESTONE:
ALL 50 STATES AND THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA HAVE NOW CERTIFIED
THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION RESULTS.
AND THE "LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT JOE BIDEN HAS WON
THE 2020 ELECTION.
FIVE WEEKS AGO.
THAT IS THE TENTH TIME WE'VE PROJECTED THAT, SO NOT ONLY WILL
JOE BIDEN BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, HE ALSO
WON A FREE SUB.
BUT, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES
TO ADMIT HE LOST.
I'LL SHARE HIS LAST GASPS IN TONIGHT'S THRILLING:
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.
I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.
MY PANTS ARE GETTING BROWN!
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.
I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
AND KNOCKED TOWN AND KNOCKED DOWN!
>> THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!
>> Stephen: THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE.
THIS IS SALTIER THAN I EXPECTED, THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.
THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW PLACED ALL OF HIS HOPES TO OVERTURN
DEMOCRACY ON THE SUPREME COURT.
SPECIFICALLY, HE'S JOINING A LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND MAN HOLDING IN A BURP AND A FART AT THE SAME
TIME, KEN PAXTON.
IN HIS LAWSUIT, PAXTON CLAIMS THAT TEXAS' RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED
WHEN MICHIGAN, GEORGIA, PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN
CHANGED THEIR ELECTION LAWS TO ALLOW MORE MAIL-IN VOTING.
BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO DECIDE THE ELECTION RULES IN OTHER
STATES.
HE'S NOT JUST CHANGING THE RULES OF THE GAME, HE'S CHANGING THE
GAME.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT THRILLING MOMENT IN "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT:"
>> YAHTZEE!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STILL PRETTY GOOD.
AND IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.
YESTERDAY, PAXTON WAS JOINED BY REPUBLICAN ATTORNEYS GENERAL IN
17 STATES.
HMM.
I FORGET...
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BUNCH OF STATES BAND TOGETHER TO SAY
THE OTHER STATES ELECTED THE WRONG PRESIDENT?
SOME SORT OF GROUPING OR "CONFEDERATION" OF STATES.
I SEE WHY THEY KEPT ALL THOSE FLAGS.
BUT THE SWING STATES GETTING SUED ARE NOT WORRIED.
EVEN TEXAS SENATOR AND GALLON OF FROZEN MILK, JOHN CORNYN, TOLD
CNN'S MANU RAJU, "I READ JUST THE SUMMARY OF IT, AND I FRANKLY
STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND THE LEGAL THEORY OF IT."
LET ME EXPLAIN: THE TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL IS JUST
CARRYING WATER FOR THE PRESIDENT, CITING THE LANDMARK
CASE OF BROWN V. NOSE.
CORNYN ADDED, "WHY WOULD A STATE, EVEN SUCH A GREAT STATE
AS TEXAS, HAVE A SAY SO ON HOW OTHER STATES ADMINISTER THEIR
ELECTIONS?" YEAH!
YOU "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS," BUT TEXAS CAN MESS WITH OTHER
STATES?
I SAY IT'S TIME FOR WISCONSIN TO CHANGE ITS MOTTO TO "WELCOME TO
WISCONSIN-- WHAT ALAMO?" BIG FACEBOOK NEWS!
NO, YOUR OLD FRIENDS FROM CAMP HAVEN'T STOPPED BEING MAD THAT
YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE ZOOM REUNION.
YESTERDAY, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND 48 ATTORNEYS GENERAL FILED
ANTITRUST LAWSUITS AGAINST FACEBOOK, CALLING IT AN ILLEGAL
MONOPOLY.
YES, IT'S JUST LIKE MONOPOLY.
EXCEPT EVERY TIME YOU PASS GO, INSTEAD OF GETTING $200,
ZUCKERBERG SELLS YOUR DATA TO A MOLDOVAN SPAM FARM.
THE SUITS SPECIFICALLY POINT TO FACEBOOK'S PURCHASE OF INSTAGRAM
AND WHATSAPP, WHICH GAVE CONSUMERS FEWER SOCIAL
NETWORKING OPTIONS.
SO THE F.T.C. IS SAYING THAT FACEBOOK MUST BE BROKEN UP.
TO BE CLEAR, FACEBOOK HAS NOT BEEN BROKEN UP YET, BUT IT HAS
CHANGED ITS STATUS TO "IT'S COMPLICATED."
OF COURSE, IF FACEBOOK DOES BREAK UP, IT FACES THE DAUNTING
TASK OF GOING THROUGH AND MANUALLY UN-TAGGING ALL THE
PHOTOS OF IT TOGETHER.
NOW, MY WRITERS ASSURE ME THOSE JKES THAT I JUST TOLD MAKE
SENSE.
I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE Facebook MYSELF.
I DO ALL MY SOCIAL NETWORKING ON STEVE-SPACE.
IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO HANG OUT, SHARE PHOTOS, AND CATCH UP WITH
OTHER STEVES.
SEND ME A DIRECT-STEVE, AND I'LL ALLOW YOU TO ACCESS MY
STEVE-STREAM.