THIS IS WORKING OUT!

WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

TO ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS OUT THERE, HAPPY FIRST NIGHT OF

CHANUKAH!

AND TO MY NON-JEWISH VIEWERS, CH-APPY THCHURSDAY.

HANUKKAH IS A BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY WHERE FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD

LIGHT THE MENORAH, TELL THE STORY OF THE MACCABEES, AND

INSTILL CHILDREN WITH A LIFELONG GAMBLING ADDICTION.

"COME ON, GIMEL!

SHIN?

I CAN'T PUT THREE PIECES OF GELT IN.

RABBI HERSCHEL'S GOING TO BUST MY KNEECAPS!"

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT 5781 HAS BEEN ONE LOOONG LUNAR YEAR.

IS IT DECEMBER 10?

FEELS LIKE THE 289TH OF ADAR.

BUT I'M GLAD HANUKKAH'S HERE.

WE NEED TO SHINE A LITTLE LIGHT INTO THIS WORLD.

BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES SURPASSED 3,000 COVID

DEATHS IN A DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

LUCKILY, THE VACCINE IS ALREADY BEING ADMINISTERED, AND SHOULD

BE APPROVED ANY MINUTE IN AMERICA.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT I IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A

THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

>> HEY!

I'M AN ANTI-VAXXER!

THEY'RE TRYING TO MICROCHIP US, PEOPLE!

AHHHH!

(AIR HORN) >> Stephen: ENDLESS BUMMER.

TODAY, THE F.D.A. ADVISORY PANEL CONSIDERED WHETHER TO GRANT THE

PFIZER VACCINE "EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION."

THE FIRST DOSES WILL BE ROLLING OUT TO HEALTH WORKERS AND

LONG-TERM CARE FACILITY RESIDENTS WITHIN DAYS.

THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE WE ARE NOW CALLING THIS SHOW "A

LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY."

FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY PUDDING!

DISTRIBUTION IS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE, IN PART, BECAUSE

PFIZER'S VACCINE MUST BE STORED AT MINUS 94 DEGREES.

AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THE FIRST PERSON TO GET

THIS VACCINE.

LOOKING GOOD.

NOW, BECAUSE THE VACCINE HAS TO BE SHIPPED THAT COLD, DRY ICE

SALES ARE BOOMING.

BUT THAT MUCH DRY ICE IS GOING TO REQUIRE SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS,

WHICH IS WHY THE C.D.C.

RECOMMENDS THAT THE SHOT SHOULD BE ADMINISTERED ONLY BY '80S

HAIR BANDS.

OF COURSE, WITH ALL THE VACCINE CONSPIRACIES OUT THERE, MANY

AMERICANS ARE SAYING: ♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪

♪ NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT! ♪ >> STEPHEN: ONE UNFORESEEN

PROBLEM?

THE CHEESE INDUSTRY IS THREATENED BY THE COVID DRY ICE

DEMAND, BECAUSE DRY ICE IS ESSENTIAL IN MAKING DAIRY

CULTURES, USED TO MAKE CHEESE, AND A SHORTAGE WOULD BE

DEVASTATING.

NO!

SNOW, SCIENCE!

YOU CAN'T MAKE AMERICANS CHOOSE BETWEEN THE THING WE NEED TO

LIVE AND A VACCINE.

TELL YOU WHAT, HERE'S A COMPROMISE: JUST INJECT US WITH

THE CHEESE.

TIME FOR MY BOOSTER SHOT.

OH!

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THIS WAS MY IDEA, YOU WILL REMEMBER.

IN REWRITE I SAID GIVE IT IN MY MOUTH.

SHUT UP NEXT TIME, ME.

MEANWHILE, THE ADMINISTRATION, TO TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF OF THE

GLOBAL CRISIS THEY'VE TRIED TO IGNORE, LAST NIGHT THREW TWO

WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTIES.

REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT SKIPPED THE FIRST PARTY BUT

STOPPED BY THE SECOND.

I'M GUESSING BETWEEN THE TWO PARTIES, SOMEONE MUST HAVE TOLD

HIM WHAT LATKES ARE.

(AS AIDE) "SIR, THEY'RE POTATOES, BUT

THEY'RE DEEP-FRIED AND--" THE PRESIDENT GREETED HIS GUESTS

AND SPOKE ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF THIS RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY:

>> WE GOT 75-- ALMOST 75 MILLION VOTES.

THINK OF THIS.

THE FIRST TIME, WE GOT 63 MILLION.

SECOND TIME, WE GOT 75 MILLION.

>> STEPHEN: NOW, THAT MIGHT SEEM LIKE A PATHETIC OLD MAN CLINGING

TO PAST GLORIES, BUT HIS CLAIMS OF ELECTION FRAUD ACTUALLY HAVE

A LOT IN COMMON WITH HANUKKAH.

THEY BOTH INVOLVE A MYSTERIOUS, ENDLESS SUPPLY OF OIL.

OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT'S TIME IN OFFICE IS DWINDLING.

YESTERDAY, WE REACHED AN IMPORTANT MILESTONE:

ALL 50 STATES AND THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA HAVE NOW CERTIFIED

THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION RESULTS.

AND THE "LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT JOE BIDEN HAS WON

THE 2020 ELECTION.

FIVE WEEKS AGO.

THAT IS THE TENTH TIME WE'VE PROJECTED THAT, SO NOT ONLY WILL

JOE BIDEN BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, HE ALSO

WON A FREE SUB.

BUT, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES

TO ADMIT HE LOST.

I'LL SHARE HIS LAST GASPS IN TONIGHT'S THRILLING:

I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.

I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.

I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.

MY PANTS ARE GETTING BROWN!

I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.

I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.

I GET KNOCKED DOWN.

AND KNOCKED TOWN AND KNOCKED DOWN!

>> THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

>> Stephen: THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE.

THIS IS SALTIER THAN I EXPECTED, THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.

THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW PLACED ALL OF HIS HOPES TO OVERTURN

DEMOCRACY ON THE SUPREME COURT.

SPECIFICALLY, HE'S JOINING A LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY

GENERAL AND MAN HOLDING IN A BURP AND A FART AT THE SAME

TIME, KEN PAXTON.

IN HIS LAWSUIT, PAXTON CLAIMS THAT TEXAS' RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED

WHEN MICHIGAN, GEORGIA, PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN

CHANGED THEIR ELECTION LAWS TO ALLOW MORE MAIL-IN VOTING.

BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO DECIDE THE ELECTION RULES IN OTHER

STATES.

HE'S NOT JUST CHANGING THE RULES OF THE GAME, HE'S CHANGING THE

GAME.

IT REMINDS ME OF THAT THRILLING MOMENT IN "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT:"

>> YAHTZEE!

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STILL PRETTY GOOD.

AND IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.

YESTERDAY, PAXTON WAS JOINED BY REPUBLICAN ATTORNEYS GENERAL IN

17 STATES.

HMM.

I FORGET...

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BUNCH OF STATES BAND TOGETHER TO SAY

THE OTHER STATES ELECTED THE WRONG PRESIDENT?

SOME SORT OF GROUPING OR "CONFEDERATION" OF STATES.

I SEE WHY THEY KEPT ALL THOSE FLAGS.

BUT THE SWING STATES GETTING SUED ARE NOT WORRIED.

EVEN TEXAS SENATOR AND GALLON OF FROZEN MILK, JOHN CORNYN, TOLD

CNN'S MANU RAJU, "I READ JUST THE SUMMARY OF IT, AND I FRANKLY

STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND THE LEGAL THEORY OF IT."

LET ME EXPLAIN: THE TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL IS JUST

CARRYING WATER FOR THE PRESIDENT, CITING THE LANDMARK

CASE OF BROWN V. NOSE.

CORNYN ADDED, "WHY WOULD A STATE, EVEN SUCH A GREAT STATE

AS TEXAS, HAVE A SAY SO ON HOW OTHER STATES ADMINISTER THEIR

ELECTIONS?" YEAH!

YOU "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS," BUT TEXAS CAN MESS WITH OTHER

STATES?

I SAY IT'S TIME FOR WISCONSIN TO CHANGE ITS MOTTO TO "WELCOME TO

WISCONSIN-- WHAT ALAMO?" BIG FACEBOOK NEWS!

NO, YOUR OLD FRIENDS FROM CAMP HAVEN'T STOPPED BEING MAD THAT

YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE ZOOM REUNION.

YESTERDAY, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND 48 ATTORNEYS GENERAL FILED

ANTITRUST LAWSUITS AGAINST FACEBOOK, CALLING IT AN ILLEGAL

MONOPOLY.

YES, IT'S JUST LIKE MONOPOLY.

EXCEPT EVERY TIME YOU PASS GO, INSTEAD OF GETTING $200,

ZUCKERBERG SELLS YOUR DATA TO A MOLDOVAN SPAM FARM.

THE SUITS SPECIFICALLY POINT TO FACEBOOK'S PURCHASE OF INSTAGRAM

AND WHATSAPP, WHICH GAVE CONSUMERS FEWER SOCIAL

NETWORKING OPTIONS.

SO THE F.T.C. IS SAYING THAT FACEBOOK MUST BE BROKEN UP.

TO BE CLEAR, FACEBOOK HAS NOT BEEN BROKEN UP YET, BUT IT HAS

CHANGED ITS STATUS TO "IT'S COMPLICATED."

OF COURSE, IF FACEBOOK DOES BREAK UP, IT FACES THE DAUNTING

TASK OF GOING THROUGH AND MANUALLY UN-TAGGING ALL THE

PHOTOS OF IT TOGETHER.

NOW, MY WRITERS ASSURE ME THOSE JKES THAT I JUST TOLD MAKE

SENSE.

I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE Facebook MYSELF.

I DO ALL MY SOCIAL NETWORKING ON STEVE-SPACE.

IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO HANG OUT, SHARE PHOTOS, AND CATCH UP WITH

OTHER STEVES.

SEND ME A DIRECT-STEVE, AND I'LL ALLOW YOU TO ACCESS MY

STEVE-STREAM.