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  • -Thank you, everybody.

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • This is it! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You're here. You made it. Thank you so much.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, it was a really exciting day for the country,

  • as we finally received what we've been waiting for

  • for nine months.

  • -A historic Monday as the first doses of the coronavirus vaccine

  • are being administered to healthcare workers

  • across this country.

  • -The very first dose of Pfizer's vaccine

  • was administered to a nurse working in Queens.

  • -Yep. The first COVID vaccine in the U.S. has been given.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It was a little less exciting when the nurse was handed a bill

  • for 50 grand, but still it was, overall...

  • What a moment for the country.

  • Right now, enthusiasm for the vaccine

  • is somewhere between the new PS5 and the McRib.

  • It's that exciting. [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, people all across America are lining up for shots.

  • Normally when that happens here in December,

  • we call it SantaCon.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I read that the vaccine needs to be stored

  • at ultra-cold temperatures, around negative-100 degrees.

  • In response, UPS workers looked at their shorts and said,

  • "Yeah, this seems like more of a FedEx thing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But today was really special.

  • Usually if I want to see people on TV who've gotten injections,

  • I have to watch Bravo.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, everybody is excited about the vaccine.

  • Just take a look at the Colorado governor,

  • Jared Polis, waiting for his state's first shipment.

  • -Any minute now, we're gonna hear a doorbell.

  • Is that -- That's not a doorbell.

  • That's a knock, but okay.

  • And then we're going to, of course, let the vaccine in.

  • [ Bell rings ] Oh! There we go!

  • [ Door motor whirring ]

  • This is the Pfizer vaccine, arriving here in Colorado.

  • To end the pandemic.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cymbal crash ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -It got awkward when the delivery guy was like,

  • "Hemorrhoid cream for Governor Polis?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Did you guys hear about this?

  • Yesterday, it came out that White House staffers

  • would get the vaccine early.

  • But then Trump backtracked and tweeted that they wouldn't.

  • Come on, just give it to them. What's the difference?

  • There's only three people left

  • working in the White House anyway.

  • [ Laughter ] Yeah, Trump said his people

  • don't need any special treatment.

  • Then he went back to pardoning all of them.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some more news from Washington.

  • Government officials say that Russians managed to hack

  • Homeland Security, along with the U.S. Treasury

  • and Commerce departments.

  • Americans heard that and they were like, "That's all?

  • Must've been Russia's Bring Your Child to Work Day."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think Russia has hacked just about everything there is.

  • I mean, what's next?

  • "We now access information from Blockbuster Video database."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Why you rent 'Lethal Weapon' six times in 1998?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, they hacked Homeland Security.

  • That's not a great sign

  • that our Homeland Security needs a Homeland Security.

  • How did they hack Homeland Security?

  • That's like ADT calling you and being like,

  • "Someone broke in! Help!" [ Laughter ]

  • Don't worry, though. Today Trump appointed a new head

  • of Homeland Security -- Macaulay Culkin.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, here's a big election story.

  • Today, members of the Electoral College

  • officially cast their votes for president.

  • Yeah, super exciting, if you happened to miss

  • the 75 other times Trump's lost the election.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Changing gears here, I heard about another sports team

  • that's decided to change its name.

  • Watch this.

  • -A major turning point for Cleveland's

  • Major League baseball team.

  • The franchise is expected to drop "Indians,"

  • a nickname it's had since 1915.

  • -Yeah. But this is weird.

  • They're now going to be called the Cleveland Football Team.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know, when it comes to baseball team names,

  • just play it safe and name yourself after a bird

  • or a sock color.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • No? Okay. [ Laughter ]

  • Collectively, yeah. Thank you.

  • Red sock, blue sock, blue bird? Yeah.

  • Yeah, the team said they just wanted to wait

  • for the right time, which, for them,

  • was about five months after everyone else did it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, Christmas is next week,

  • and out in California, I heard that two undercover cops

  • have been dressing up as Santa and his elf

  • to help catch shoplifters.

  • Yeah, nothing says Christmas spirit

  • like watching Santa Tase a shoplifter.

  • You know one cop was like, "Why can't you be the elf?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "All right." [ Laughter ]

  • "I think we're about the same height, same build."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm the elf? Okay."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "There's not assigned positions. You know, we could always..."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Oh, yeah. I understand.

  • You're Santa, though. All right.

  • You're Santa, and I'm the elf. Okay."

  • A Santa and an elf fighting crime.

  • Come on. How is that not a movie

  • starring The Rock and Kevin Hart?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Of course, Kevin would be Santa, and The Rock would be the elf.

  • Whatever. [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, the other day, in Ukraine,

  • it got pretty icy outside, and one woman

  • had a lot of trouble on the sidewalk.

  • Watch this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, look at the --

  • No! [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, my --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cymbals crash ] Yo.

  • That's basically what it looks like

  • when Trump's lawyers go to court.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In Ukraine, that's called the treadmill.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Don't worry. The woman is fine,

  • and she hopes to be home by April.

  • Guys, a quick reminder.

  • I have this new children's book out,

  • called "5 More Sleeps 'til Christmas."

  • Hold your applause to the e--

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

  • Hold the drums, hold all the noise

  • until you really need to get it out, you know?

  • But anyway, it's no big deal.

  • It's currently the number-one... [ Laughter ]

  • ..."New York Times" best-seller. No big deal.

  • Anyways, we're doing a very cool thing with Target

  • and FAO Schwarz this week.

  • So if you buy the book at Target or target.com

  • now through Wednesday.

  • So today, tomorrow, and Wednesday?

  • FAO Schwarz will donate a toy

  • to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.

  • So you get a book at Target, you get a toy for a kid.

  • I appreciate those guys doing that.

  • Guys, we have exactly five shows left

  • before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time for that

  • beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters"!

  • -♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters

  • ♪ 5 days left

  • -That is right. Every show between now

  • and Christmas, we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • a ravishing Christmas sweater

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

  • That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Now, since there are five shows left,

  • let's open door number 5.

  • I see that's a big door right there.

  • Yes, that's the one.

  • Whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Holy moly.

  • That is something else.

  • That is -- That is subtle, I guess.

  • No, it's the opposite of subtle.

  • Wow. That is a --

  • That is an upchuck of Christmas is what it is.

  • [ Laughter ] That's what the label says.

  • Let's see who is going home with tonight's sweater.

  • Everyone, look at your seat number.

  • If I call your number, come on down.

  • Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • 2-2-6!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Hey, come on down!

  • ♪♪

  • Hello! Hello!

  • Nice to meet you.

  • What is your name, and where are you from?

  • -Hi! I'm Masha, and I'm from Providence, Rhode Island.

  • -Hey, Providence, Rhode Island! That's what I'm talking about.

  • Do you have anything like this?

  • -I do not. This is amazing.

  • -Yeah. -Can I --

  • -It looks like you are trying it on.

  • This is unbelievable. You have to.

  • -Oh, my gosh. -Yeah. It's so exciting.

  • Look at this. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Are you kidding? Are you joking me?

  • You look gorgeous.

  • All right, super model.

  • Thank you so much. Congrats again.

  • Let's give our audience member a --

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • We'll be right back with Gal Gadot, everybody.

  • Come on back. That was great!

  • You look fantastic.

  • ♪♪

-Thank you, everybody.

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Trump Cancels Plans to Administer COVID-19 Vaccine to White House Staffers Early | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/15
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