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  • So they completely ruined my plan.

  • Huh. -Ha

  • - Now, heroes are so annoying. - I know, right.

  • Especially when they happen to be your perfect brother.

  • So then what did you do?

  • Had to help Thor fight that stupid elf and then return to my cell in Asgard.

  • - Oh that's terrible. - I know! I really thought I had it all in the bag, too.

  • Was going to fool everyone, take Odin's throne as my own. Everyone would have been like:

  • "Sayeth what? Where's Odin? That's so evil."

  • - I always like Odin . - You would.

  • So how did you escape?

  • - Magic, duh. - I love magic tricks. You want to see this pencil disappear?

  • Hey Loki, thanks for hogging my spotlight, you jerk.

  • Hey, why don't you try to steal some magic gas that no one cares about, Malekith?

  • I'm totally going to control the darkness and rule the universe.

  • You were foiled by two human scientists and two brainless interns carrying nothing but tripods.

  • - So? - So good day.

  • - Amateur. - Noob thinks because he has an army he's automatically The Next Big Thing.

  • Well, Loki did kind of pull focus.

  • Well, wouldn't you?

  • Absolutely! You want to know what I would have done.

  • I would have said:

  • "You wanna know how I got these scars?"

  • And?

  • Then I blow something up. I don't know.

  • I kind of like to keep people guessing.

  • This sucks. Who knows how long it'll take me to have Odin's throne now.

  • You know what's funny?

  • If you had just been a good child, Odin probably would have just handed you the throne.

  • You know, since Thor doesn't want It?

  • Yes, thank you for that reminder, general.

  • - You know what else is funny? - What's that?

  • If you had just colonized Mars, you could have saved your entire race.

  • You blowing my mind, Lok.

  • I like this place.

  • What is it called by the way?

  • So the two of us broke out and he still thinks were locked in Arkham.

  • - That's awesome. - Heroes are so annoying.

  • How long have those two been at it?

  • Erm, since about...

  • 2004.

  • Oh, come on!

  • Barkeep!

  • It would have been cooler with a Wand

  • Wands? The light sabre was a far more elegant weapon.

  • Oh right, buzz buzz zong zong whack whack. Very elegant.

  • There are no good battles anymore.

  • Come on, the alien was scrappy.

  • - I respect scrappy. - No, I mean real battle, not washed-up sci-fi slap fights.

  • Battles between armies of fearsome foes like in my day.

  • Battles That Caused Nations to tremble,

  • Skies to Darken, Hearts of Children Filled With

  • Khan!

  • Hey, come on, Guys, I was really building up to something there.

  • Yes, it must have been riveting.

  • So Khan, He Who Must Not Be Named here says there aren't any good battles any more.Thoughts?

  • Well, there was that time, I completely humiliated Kirk on Kronos.

  • Wait, you don't mean that time you just stood there letting him pound on you?

  • it was so boring

  • Well I had just defeated about 50 Klingon warriors.

  • I loved that.

  • Pew-pew, stab-stab.

  • Explosions

  • - Nicely done - But you let him hit you

  • Because I am Superior in every way.

  • That's not battle. I'd never let the hero get away with hitting me. I'd be all "I'm going to destroy you!"

  • Then I'd point my wand really hard at him shooting green magic at him...

  • I'm with Khan on this one. It's more fun to take beatnig

  • to let the hero know, he can't hurt you. Now which reminds me - do you want to know how I got these scars?

  • No, I prefer to utterly destroy my enemies.

  • You mean like that time, when you failed to utterly destroy a tiny baby?

  • Ough! Gotcha!

  • Hey, he was a magic baby.

  • Well, maybe If I was a Superior Being with Super Blood, then I wouldn't have anything to worry about.

  • Except for being put to sleep for 300 years.

  • Maybe superblood would have kept you from turning into windblown flakes, when you lost.

  • - Again - Hoho!

  • Burn.

  • I hate you guys.

  • Okay, Baldy, you want battle? This'll cheer you up.

  • - Thumb war! - Oh, all right, I can't stay mad at you.

  • - I'm leaving. - One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

  • Got you! You lose.

  • Okay, revenge.

  • One order to do. Bowncer!

  • But I'm a Real Villain, at least I'm on television, please. No!

  • Come on! Really! This is asgardian leather, you buffoon.

  • It stains like you would not believe.

  • - Oh, can't you just do that magic thing make It disappear - Of course I can. That's not the point.

  • - Then what is the point? - Looking awesome, duh.

  • You have to respect the look. It took years to put all this together. Some of It is stolen, some of It is bought

  • and some of It I made all by myself. It's the best costume in this place and it is Irreplaceable.

  • Really. The Best. Then why aren't you wearing the whole thing?

  • - I... I don't know, what you're talking about. - Yes you do.

  • Fine.

  • Stop laughing!

  • - The helmet works. - Is that why you got rid of It for Thor 2?

  • - Hey, look, it's the tesseract! - Tesseract? Where? Whoa!

  • Very funny. Jerks.

  • Relax. The Helmet... It's unique. It's you. You gotta have something, that's just you.

  • In fact. Do you want to know, where I got these clothes?

  • - Surely, the answer's "Not from Batman". - They're custom, yep.

  • - 100% untraceable. - Unless you Happen to stop By a Party City.

  • Yes, I think they carry wands there as well.

  • I told you, my wand cannot be replaced by some cheap plastic vacuum-molded muggle-designing...

  • SPEAKing of replacing things. i have to say you could use a better look, Voldie.

  • What?!! What do you mean? I am the Dark Lord! Black Robes are awesome.

  • But sooo boring.

  • - Boring! Well, what would you suggest? - Drapes are a nice look.

  • Scales are functional and quite intimidating.

  • Extra Arms.

  • Unexplained accessories can be nice.

  • The handlebar mustache! Classic.

  • How about some fire to change your look?

  • Have you considered a mask? They hide your face and disguise your voice.

  • Which can have unintended consequences.

  • Yes, like being completely incomprehensible.

  • - What are you saing? - What are YOU saying?

  • - So what do you say, Voldie? - No!

  • at least add a mask, it will help with...

  • You know...

  • - What? - You are you are aware that you don't have a nose, right?

  • Enough! That's it! My look is both evil and terrifying!

  • I caused grown men to cower in fear,

  • I caused children lying in their beds to wake from nightmares and shriek at every shadow on the wall.

  • All living beings fear me to the depths of this song. What? What's happening?

  • Gryffindor?

  • LOKIIII!!!!

  • I think costumes are overrated.

  • What? You look marvellous, darling! Love the hair.

  • And then I totally destroyed everything.

  • That's my jam.

  • I just sent them on endless goosechases, while I evolved and made my Earth destroying meteor.

  • They never even stood a chance.

  • So when is this meteor supposed to get?

  • Ohh, sometime about now.

  • - He said "now". - Wait, what?

  • Fine. I'll do it myself.

  • Yes you will. Because if you want to work here, you shall do my bidet.

  • Now plunge with all of your hatred.

  • Yes.

  • I can feel your anger.

  • - Hey hey fellas! - Agh!

  • - What did you do? - Thought it was time for a change.

  • - Eww. Well, you thought wrong. - Yes no shirt no service.

  • - Ooh. Ok. - You look like a want to be rock star.

  • - You don't like it? - I mean. it's not killing me, it's just hurting me.

  • - Really. Really. Bad. - Yes, change back.

  • I can't, I shaved my eyebrows.

  • Do you know how long it takes for eyebrows to grow back?

  • Well, I certainly do. You are hosed, man.

  • But didn't we just talk about the perfect costume?

  • Your previous costume was excellent.

  • Oh, I don't know. I always thought, your look in '89 was best.

  • - Or the sixties. - I disagree. That time you sounded like Luke Skywalker -

  • - that was best. - He still sounds like Luke Skywalker sometimes.

  • That would explain I don't always like you.

  • Why can't you just stay one way and that's it?

  • You don't see us rebooting over and over again, do you?

  • - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes. - It's too soon, man, too soon.

  • You can't just pull off the band-aid without warning.

  • It's been seven years.

  • Plus I'm the Joker, I'm unpredictable. It's what I do.

  • Yeah, one day I may blow up a hospital, the next day I may want ridiculous tattoos and no eyebrows.

  • - It's just gonna happen, people, but it's still me. - Well, I just think, maybe you should have asked us first?

  • Yes. Now you look like a psychotic version of Jordan from "My so-called life".

  • - That's what he reminds me of. - You guys watch "My so-called life"?

  • -No. -No. -Shut up. -You do.

  • - What is this, 1995?

  • - I do think it's on Netflix. - What is this netflix?

  • Okay... So anyway. This is my look now.

  • - Boo - No!

  • Have some dignity!

  • You have "damaged" on your forehead.

  • I say, we give him a chance!

  • Okay.

  • Netflix's streaming. Let's see here "My so-called life".

  • What's this?

  • DVD only.

  • LOOOKKKIIII!!!

  • - Yes, these are the brains you are looking for. - Whoa!

  • - Another zombie night, barkeep? Really? - It's great, isn't it?

  • Well, Dark Lord, ever since your Army of Death Eaters disbanded,

  • I've had to expand my clientele to include collective villains.

  • Besides, they are excellent tippers.

  • Disgusting.

  • Collective villains shouldn't even count as villains.

  • What do you mean?

  • Collective villains are terrifying!

  • What could be more evil, than a mass of mindless undead cannibals

  • - shambling toward you to eat your brain? - A true Villain Is a Brilliant and Powerful genius.

  • He doesn't stumble towards his victims and mindless waves.

  • The true Villain plots and schemes and outwits, a dark and powerful Master. Like...

  • How do you do that? Do you just wait outside

  • - listening for an inspiring speech to interrupt? - If that were true i'd never come here?

  • Oh-ho, nice!

  • Settle a debate for us, conman.

  • Voldie here says, that zombies sholdn't count as villains, because they're just a mindless collective.

  • I think, they're terrifying. Your thougths?

  • - Oh, are there zombies here? - How could you not have noticed?

  • They are everywhere!

  • You forget, I am superior in every way.

  • You all seem like zombies to me.

  • Oh, I suppose you have a Superior Understanding of the hierarchy of villainy?

  • Indeed I do.

  • Me

  • Zombies

  • Everyone else.

  • Scoff.

  • Oh, I forgot.

  • Magicians.

  • Oh, I love magic! Do you want to see a magic trick?

  • I got your nose.

  • - Really? - Fine, I'll put it back.

  • Zombies are so old-fashioned. Only the intellectually challenged would fear them.

  • We certainly don't have to worry about things like that in the future.

  • Wait, what about those guys?

  • Those aren't anything like zombies.

  • - Face it, they're just robot-zombies. - Yep, pretty much.

  • - Guys, zombie-karaoke is starting. - That's it. Disapparate!

  • Personal transwarp.

  • Guys, you gonna miss it.

  • And then he stabbed me in the leg, and I still didn't bleed out.

  • And you don't have any healing powers? - Nope

  • WOW

  • Hello, Francis!

  • Wade...

  • Now *bleep* die already *bleep*

  • Bleeps? Really? Here?

  • Fine.

  • Revenge stories. Am I right, guys? Hey, can I get some chimichangas?

  • - Oh, I'm afraid, you aren't welcome here, Van Wilder. - Yess!

  • Ant-eye hero.

  • What? How many times do I have to say this? I am not a f*#*ing hero.

  • You aren't evil.

  • I made everyone hate Green Lantern. That's kind of evil.

  • But there is still good in you. So leave us.

  • Fine.

  • But I'm leaving the old Deadpool with you, guys.

  • Nobody likes that Deadpool.

  • I started a joke...

  • What's his problem?

  • But they cut me out of my...

  • Movie...

  • The cutting room blues.

  • Now I finally see....

  • That the joke was on me.

  • Puddin! How I missed you, sweet song of a voice!

  • Thanks.

  • I missed you too.

  • If she was gonna have us executed, if we didn't do, what she said.

  • Deadshot here put one right between her eyes.

  • And now we're free.