Subtitles section Play video
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
HUGE NEWS-- JUST MOMENTS BEFORE TONIGHT'S TAPING, THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
AGAIN!
HE DID IT!
HE'S STILL THE WINNER!
AT THIS POINT, JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION SO MANY TIMES, HE'S
OUR 46TH THROUGH 51ST PRESIDENT.
THIS IS ALSO BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THIS MEANS-- AFTER SIX AGONIZING
WEEKS-- THE ELECTION IS FINALLY OVER.
STICK A FORK IN THE PRESIDENT HE'S DONE.
ALSO, KEEP THAT FORK HANDY BECAUSE POKING HIM IN THE BUTT
MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST WHINING IN WHAT I HOPE IS THE FINAL
INSTALLMENT OF A FAR-TOO-LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT:
♪ WHEN HAIR DYE LEAKED FROM RUDY'S HEAD
♪ THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES DEPRESSED AND COVERED
♪ IN SPRAY TAN THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES
♪ GO DOWN PROUD BOYS BOOGALOO AND KU KLUX KLAN
♪ TELL OL' ALITO THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES ♪
>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."
>> Stephen: THESE ARE GETTING LONGER, AND I LOVE 'EM, LESS
WORK FOR ME, I'LL GRANT YOU THAT.
LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT HAS FINALLY RUN THROUGH ALL THE
POSSIBLE WAYS HE CAN DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
HIS MONTHS-LONG ASSAULT HASN'T DONE SOME DAMAGE.
I MEAN, JUST GETTING THE RUDY STAINS OUT OF THE CARPET ALONE
IS GOING TO TAKE SOME ELBOW GEASE.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.
CASE IN POINT, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE ITSELF.
TODAY, THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL WAS CLOSED, ARIZONA ELECTORS MET AT
AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AND THERE WAS A SECRET ENTRANCE IN
WISCONSIN TO KEEP ELECTORS SAFE.
THIS IS CRAZY.
THESE PEOPLE AREN'T POLITICIANS OR EVEN VOTERS.
THEY'RE MESSENGERS OF WHAT THE VOTERS SAID.
THIS IS WHAT THE PHRASE "DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGERS" WAS
INVENTED FOR!
BUT THANKS TO THE G.O.P., THAT SAYING IS NOW, "BUY THE
MESSENGERS SOME BULLETPROOF VESTS AND SNEAK 'EM IN THROUGH
THE BACK DOOR BECAUSE WE ARE COO-COO BANANAS AND WE GOT A LOT
OF GUNS!" THIS SHOULD ALL JUST BE BORING.
EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!
IT'S NOT NORMALLY NEWS!
IT'S LIKE ISSUING DEATH THREATS TO PAINT FOR DRYING.
THIS IS LIKE SIGNING UP FOR THE P.T.A. AND BEING TOLD,"OKAY,
YOU'RE ALL SIGNED UP.
HERE'S YOUR NUNCHUCKS AND YOUR FLAMETHROWERS.
WE'LL SEE YOU AT WEDNESDAY'S MEETING IN THE THUNDERDOME!
CAN YOU BRING SNACKS?" BUT IT WASN'T JUST THE DEATH
THREATS.
THE COVERAGE OF TODAY'S VOTE WAS ABSURDLY DRAMATIC.
JUST LOOK AT THIS URGENT MOMENT FROM CNN:
>> MORE VOTES, BY THE WAY, ARE COMING IN RIGHT NOW.
JUST MOMENTS AGO IN MISSOURI, THE ELECTORS CONFIRMED THEIR TEN
ELECTORAL VOTES FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP AND VICE PRESIDENT
MIKE PENCE.
>> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY, WOLF, WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY FROM THAT
DRAMATIC FOOTAGE BECAUSE WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT YOUR UNCLE
ALLEN HAS DECIDED TO IRON HIS SHIRT --
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) >> Stephen: WE WILL, OF
COURSE, CHECK BACK ON THAT STORY IF THERE ARE ANY NEW WRINKLES.
PERHAPS THE WORST RECENT ASSAULT AGAINST DEMOCRACY WAS THE
SUPER-DUMB LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY-GENERAL AND
MUGSHOT YOU JUST FOUND OF YOUR GRANDMA'S NEW
BOYFRIEND, KEN PAXTON.
TEXAS WANTED TO INVALIDATE ALL THE VOTES IN WISCONSIN,
MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA, AND GEORGIA BECAUSE THOSE STATES
MADE IT EASIER TO VOTE DURING A PANDEMIC.
BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO TELL OTHER STATES HOW TO DO THEIR
THING.
I MEAN, IF WE'RE LIVING BY THOSE RULES, LET'S KICK TEXAS OUT OF
THE UNION BECAUSE ALL OUR EXES LIVE THERE.
BUT THIS LAWSUIT WAS THE PRESIDENT'S LAST HOPE.
HE CALLED IT, "THE BIG ONE."
WELL, ON FRIDAY NIGHT, HE BIT "THE BIG ONE."
THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED THE TEXAS SUIT SEEKING TO SUBVERT
THE ELECTION.
THAT'S GOT TO STING.
THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY STACKED THE COURT TO HAND HIM THE
ELECTION, AND THEN THEY WENT ALL REASONABLE ON HIS ASS.
THAT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER GOING, "BRINGING ME BACK
FROM THE DEAD IS FRAUGHT WITH MORAL AND ETHICAL HAZARDS!
AND FOR THE RECORD, FIRE QUITE USEFUL WHEN USED WITH CAUTION!"
THE CASE WAS "DENIED FOR LACK OF STANDING."
NO SURPRISE THERE.
THE PRESIDENT STRUGGLES WITH STANDING, WALKING, AND EVEN
SITTING WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE'S ON THE TOILET.
WITH THE LOSS, THE PRESIDENT IS NOW ONE-IN-59 IN POSTELECTION
LITIGATION.
THAT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE RECORD, HE'S GETTING SYMPATHY CARDS FROM
THE NEW YORK JETS.
BUT IN THE FACE OF REALITY, THE PRESIDENT IS DEFIANT,
TWEET-YELLING, "WE HAVE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
WELL, THEN YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED FIGHTING EARLIER,
BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU, AND IT'S OVER.
ON SATURDAY, BEFORE THE ARMY-NAVY GAME, THE PRESIDENT
HELD A FACE TO TOO CLOSE FACE INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN KILMEADE,
AND HAD A BIZARRE EXPLANATION FOR WHY HE
THINKS HE REALLY WON.
>> THE ELECTION WAS OVER AT 10:00 IN THE EVENING.
I HAD WON, IT WAS 97, 98%.
ALL OF THE BOOKIES ALL OVER THE WORLD WERE SAYING THE ELECTION'S
OVER.
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE BETS ON IT.
SNOWOH, YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S THE BOOKIES WHO PICKED THE
PRESIDENT.
THAT'S WHY IN 1932, HERBERT HOOVER SUFFERED A CRUSHING
DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF PRESIDENT SEABISCUIT.
THE PRESIDENT WASN'T ALONE IN HIS FAILED WAR AGAINST
DEMOCRACY, BECAUSE A LEGAL BRIEF SUPPORTING TEXAS' TERRIBLE AND
STUPID AND WRONG AND DUMB LAWSUIT WAS SIGNED BY 126 HOUSE
REPUBLICANS.
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF YOU PUT ALL 126 OF THOSE
CONGRESSMEN ON ONE RAFT GOING OVER NIAGARA FALLS, I'D WATCH.
FOLLOWING THE SCOTUS DECISION, MOST OF THESE GUYS STAYED
SILENT, BUT LOUISIANA REPRESENTATIVE MIKE JOHNSON
TWEETED THIS QUOTE BY JOHN QUINCY ADAMS:
"DUTY IS OURS, RESULTS ARE GOD'S."
OKAY, BUT I ANOTHER FAMOUS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS QUOTE:
"YOU LOST, MIKE JOHNSON!
SUCK MY SIDEBURNS!" SO, WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THESE
ANTIDEMOCRATIC CULT MEMBERS?
WELL, THERE'S AN INTERESTING IDEA PUT FORTH BY NEW JERSEY
CONGRESSMAN BILL PASCRELL, SEEN HERE STAYING PERFECTLY STILL
UNTIL HE REMEMBERS WHY HE CAME INTO THE KITCHEN.
PASCRELL SENT A LETTER TO SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IN WHICH HE
POINTS OUT THAT THE 126 CONGRESSMAN HAVE VIOLATED A
CLAUSE IN THE 14TH AMENDMENT BARRING REBELLION AGAINST THE
CONSTITUTION, ADDING, "STATED SIMPLY, MEN AND WOMEN WHO WOULD
ACT TO TEAR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT APART CANNOT SERVE AS
MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESS."
THAT SEEMS LIKE THE BARE MINIMUM FOR GOVERNMENT SERVICE.
TO BE ELECTED, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN OUR ELECTIONS.
SAME WAY IN ORDER TO WORK AT ARBYS, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE
IT'S MEAT.
BUT BANNING 126 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS MAY BE TOO MUCH.
SO I HAVE MY OWN MORE LIMITED SUGGESTION FOR THE SPEAKER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BAR 126 REPUBLICANS, BUT 18 OF THEM COME
FROM THOSE FOUR STATES WHOSE ELECTIONS THEY CLAIMED WERE
FRAUDULENT.
WHICH IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.
IT'S LIKE BEING AT THE ALTAR.
SHE SAYS, "I DO," AND YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?
WHY?" SO, I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT
THESE 18 EITHER RECOGNIZE THE ELECTION AS VALID OR BE
CONSISTENT AND SAY THAT THEIR WINS WERE FRAUDULENT.
PUT IT TO A FLOOR VOTE ON DAY ONE.
"RESOLVED: THE ELECTIONS IN PENNSYLVANIA, MICHIGAN, GEORGIA,
AND WISCONSIN WERE FREE AND FAIR.
THEREFORE, WE WILL SEAT OUR 18 COLLEAGUES."
THAT WAY, THE G.O.P. EITHER HAS TO VOTE THAT BIDEN WON FAIRLY,
OR VOTE THAT THESE 18 IDIOTS LOSE THEIR JOBS.
EITHER WAY, IT'S A WIN-WIN.
IN THE END, EVEN HAVING A SPINELESS LACKEY HEADING THE
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH TO LET THIS PRESIDENT
STEAL THE ELECTION.
BECAUSE MOMENTS AFTER BIDEN CLINCHED THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,
THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR
RESIGNED.
IT'S A FITTING END TO MR TOADIE'S WILD LIES.
IN A BID FOR ATTENTION, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, "BILL WILL BE
LEAVING JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH HIS
FAMILY."
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED "VACATION" SO YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO QUIT YOUR JOB IN THE ADMINISTRATION TO SEE YOUR
FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS.
HOPEFULLY, BARR WILL LEAVE OFFICE BY BEING SEIZED BY
ANONYMOUS FEDERAL AGENTS AND BEING STUFFED INTO AN UNMARKED
VAN.
THIS DOESN'T COME AS A HUGE SURPRISE.