Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HUGE NEWS-- JUST MOMENTS BEFORE TONIGHT'S TAPING, THE ELECTORAL

  • COLLEGE OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020

  • PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

  • AGAIN!

  • HE DID IT!

  • HE'S STILL THE WINNER!

  • AT THIS POINT, JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION SO MANY TIMES, HE'S

  • OUR 46TH THROUGH 51ST PRESIDENT.

  • THIS IS ALSO BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THIS MEANS-- AFTER SIX AGONIZING

  • WEEKS-- THE ELECTION IS FINALLY OVER.

  • STICK A FORK IN THE PRESIDENT HE'S DONE.

  • ALSO, KEEP THAT FORK HANDY BECAUSE POKING HIM IN THE BUTT

  • MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST WHINING IN WHAT I HOPE IS THE FINAL

  • INSTALLMENT OF A FAR-TOO-LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT:

  • WHEN HAIR DYE LEAKED FROM RUDY'S HEAD

  • THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES DEPRESSED AND COVERED

  • IN SPRAY TAN THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES

  • GO DOWN PROUD BOYS BOOGALOO AND KU KLUX KLAN

  • TELL OL' ALITO THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES

  • >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."

  • >> Stephen: THESE ARE GETTING LONGER, AND I LOVE 'EM, LESS

  • WORK FOR ME, I'LL GRANT YOU THAT.

  • LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT HAS FINALLY RUN THROUGH ALL THE

  • POSSIBLE WAYS HE CAN DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

  • HIS MONTHS-LONG ASSAULT HASN'T DONE SOME DAMAGE.

  • I MEAN, JUST GETTING THE RUDY STAINS OUT OF THE CARPET ALONE

  • IS GOING TO TAKE SOME ELBOW GEASE.

  • I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.

  • CASE IN POINT, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE ITSELF.

  • TODAY, THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL WAS CLOSED, ARIZONA ELECTORS MET AT

  • AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AND THERE WAS A SECRET ENTRANCE IN

  • WISCONSIN TO KEEP ELECTORS SAFE.

  • THIS IS CRAZY.

  • THESE PEOPLE AREN'T POLITICIANS OR EVEN VOTERS.

  • THEY'RE MESSENGERS OF WHAT THE VOTERS SAID.

  • THIS IS WHAT THE PHRASE "DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGERS" WAS

  • INVENTED FOR!

  • BUT THANKS TO THE G.O.P., THAT SAYING IS NOW, "BUY THE

  • MESSENGERS SOME BULLETPROOF VESTS AND SNEAK 'EM IN THROUGH

  • THE BACK DOOR BECAUSE WE ARE COO-COO BANANAS AND WE GOT A LOT

  • OF GUNS!" THIS SHOULD ALL JUST BE BORING.

  • EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!

  • IT'S NOT NORMALLY NEWS!

  • IT'S LIKE ISSUING DEATH THREATS TO PAINT FOR DRYING.

  • THIS IS LIKE SIGNING UP FOR THE P.T.A. AND BEING TOLD,"OKAY,

  • YOU'RE ALL SIGNED UP.

  • HERE'S YOUR NUNCHUCKS AND YOUR FLAMETHROWERS.

  • WE'LL SEE YOU AT WEDNESDAY'S MEETING IN THE THUNDERDOME!

  • CAN YOU BRING SNACKS?" BUT IT WASN'T JUST THE DEATH

  • THREATS.

  • THE COVERAGE OF TODAY'S VOTE WAS ABSURDLY DRAMATIC.

  • JUST LOOK AT THIS URGENT MOMENT FROM CNN:

  • >> MORE VOTES, BY THE WAY, ARE COMING IN RIGHT NOW.

  • JUST MOMENTS AGO IN MISSOURI, THE ELECTORS CONFIRMED THEIR TEN

  • ELECTORAL VOTES FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP AND VICE PRESIDENT

  • MIKE PENCE.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY, WOLF, WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY FROM THAT

  • DRAMATIC FOOTAGE BECAUSE WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT YOUR UNCLE

  • ALLEN HAS DECIDED TO IRON HIS SHIRT --

  • (DRAMATIC MUSIC) >> Stephen: WE WILL, OF

  • COURSE, CHECK BACK ON THAT STORY IF THERE ARE ANY NEW WRINKLES.

  • PERHAPS THE WORST RECENT ASSAULT AGAINST DEMOCRACY WAS THE

  • SUPER-DUMB LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY-GENERAL AND

  • MUGSHOT YOU JUST FOUND OF YOUR GRANDMA'S NEW

  • BOYFRIEND, KEN PAXTON.

  • TEXAS WANTED TO INVALIDATE ALL THE VOTES IN WISCONSIN,

  • MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA, AND GEORGIA BECAUSE THOSE STATES

  • MADE IT EASIER TO VOTE DURING A PANDEMIC.

  • BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO TELL OTHER STATES HOW TO DO THEIR

  • THING.

  • I MEAN, IF WE'RE LIVING BY THOSE RULES, LET'S KICK TEXAS OUT OF

  • THE UNION BECAUSE ALL OUR EXES LIVE THERE.

  • BUT THIS LAWSUIT WAS THE PRESIDENT'S LAST HOPE.

  • HE CALLED IT, "THE BIG ONE."

  • WELL, ON FRIDAY NIGHT, HE BIT "THE BIG ONE."

  • THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED THE TEXAS SUIT SEEKING TO SUBVERT

  • THE ELECTION.

  • THAT'S GOT TO STING.

  • THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY STACKED THE COURT TO HAND HIM THE

  • ELECTION, AND THEN THEY WENT ALL REASONABLE ON HIS ASS.

  • THAT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER GOING, "BRINGING ME BACK

  • FROM THE DEAD IS FRAUGHT WITH MORAL AND ETHICAL HAZARDS!

  • AND FOR THE RECORD, FIRE QUITE USEFUL WHEN USED WITH CAUTION!"

  • THE CASE WAS "DENIED FOR LACK OF STANDING."

  • NO SURPRISE THERE.

  • THE PRESIDENT STRUGGLES WITH STANDING, WALKING, AND EVEN

  • SITTING WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE'S ON THE TOILET.

  • WITH THE LOSS, THE PRESIDENT IS NOW ONE-IN-59 IN POSTELECTION

  • LITIGATION.

  • THAT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE RECORD, HE'S GETTING SYMPATHY CARDS FROM

  • THE NEW YORK JETS.

  • BUT IN THE FACE OF REALITY, THE PRESIDENT IS DEFIANT,

  • TWEET-YELLING, "WE HAVE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT!"

  • WELL, THEN YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED FIGHTING EARLIER,

  • BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU, AND IT'S OVER.

  • ON SATURDAY, BEFORE THE ARMY-NAVY GAME, THE PRESIDENT

  • HELD A FACE TO TOO CLOSE FACE INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN KILMEADE,

  • AND HAD A BIZARRE EXPLANATION FOR WHY HE

  • THINKS HE REALLY WON.

  • >> THE ELECTION WAS OVER AT 10:00 IN THE EVENING.

  • I HAD WON, IT WAS 97, 98%.

  • ALL OF THE BOOKIES ALL OVER THE WORLD WERE SAYING THE ELECTION'S

  • OVER.

  • THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE BETS ON IT.

  • SNOWOH, YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S THE BOOKIES WHO PICKED THE

  • PRESIDENT.

  • THAT'S WHY IN 1932, HERBERT HOOVER SUFFERED A CRUSHING

  • DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF PRESIDENT SEABISCUIT.

  • THE PRESIDENT WASN'T ALONE IN HIS FAILED WAR AGAINST

  • DEMOCRACY, BECAUSE A LEGAL BRIEF SUPPORTING TEXAS' TERRIBLE AND

  • STUPID AND WRONG AND DUMB LAWSUIT WAS SIGNED BY 126 HOUSE

  • REPUBLICANS.

  • TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF YOU PUT ALL 126 OF THOSE

  • CONGRESSMEN ON ONE RAFT GOING OVER NIAGARA FALLS, I'D WATCH.

  • FOLLOWING THE SCOTUS DECISION, MOST OF THESE GUYS STAYED

  • SILENT, BUT LOUISIANA REPRESENTATIVE MIKE JOHNSON

  • TWEETED THIS QUOTE BY JOHN QUINCY ADAMS:

  • "DUTY IS OURS, RESULTS ARE GOD'S."

  • OKAY, BUT I ANOTHER FAMOUS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS QUOTE:

  • "YOU LOST, MIKE JOHNSON!

  • SUCK MY SIDEBURNS!" SO, WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THESE

  • ANTIDEMOCRATIC CULT MEMBERS?

  • WELL, THERE'S AN INTERESTING IDEA PUT FORTH BY NEW JERSEY

  • CONGRESSMAN BILL PASCRELL, SEEN HERE STAYING PERFECTLY STILL

  • UNTIL HE REMEMBERS WHY HE CAME INTO THE KITCHEN.

  • PASCRELL SENT A LETTER TO SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IN WHICH HE

  • POINTS OUT THAT THE 126 CONGRESSMAN HAVE VIOLATED A

  • CLAUSE IN THE 14TH AMENDMENT BARRING REBELLION AGAINST THE

  • CONSTITUTION, ADDING, "STATED SIMPLY, MEN AND WOMEN WHO WOULD

  • ACT TO TEAR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT APART CANNOT SERVE AS

  • MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESS."

  • THAT SEEMS LIKE THE BARE MINIMUM FOR GOVERNMENT SERVICE.

  • TO BE ELECTED, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN OUR ELECTIONS.

  • SAME WAY IN ORDER TO WORK AT ARBYS, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE

  • IT'S MEAT.

  • BUT BANNING 126 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS MAY BE TOO MUCH.

  • SO I HAVE MY OWN MORE LIMITED SUGGESTION FOR THE SPEAKER.

  • YOU DON'T HAVE TO BAR 126 REPUBLICANS, BUT 18 OF THEM COME

  • FROM THOSE FOUR STATES WHOSE ELECTIONS THEY CLAIMED WERE

  • FRAUDULENT.

  • WHICH IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.

  • IT'S LIKE BEING AT THE ALTAR.

  • SHE SAYS, "I DO," AND YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?

  • WHY?" SO, I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT

  • THESE 18 EITHER RECOGNIZE THE ELECTION AS VALID OR BE

  • CONSISTENT AND SAY THAT THEIR WINS WERE FRAUDULENT.

  • PUT IT TO A FLOOR VOTE ON DAY ONE.

  • "RESOLVED: THE ELECTIONS IN PENNSYLVANIA, MICHIGAN, GEORGIA,

  • AND WISCONSIN WERE FREE AND FAIR.

  • THEREFORE, WE WILL SEAT OUR 18 COLLEAGUES."

  • THAT WAY, THE G.O.P. EITHER HAS TO VOTE THAT BIDEN WON FAIRLY,

  • OR VOTE THAT THESE 18 IDIOTS LOSE THEIR JOBS.

  • EITHER WAY, IT'S A WIN-WIN.

  • IN THE END, EVEN HAVING A SPINELESS LACKEY HEADING THE

  • JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH TO LET THIS PRESIDENT

  • STEAL THE ELECTION.

  • BECAUSE MOMENTS AFTER BIDEN CLINCHED THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,

  • THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR

  • RESIGNED.

  • IT'S A FITTING END TO MR TOADIE'S WILD LIES.

  • IN A BID FOR ATTENTION, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, "BILL WILL BE

  • LEAVING JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH HIS

  • FAMILY."

  • IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED "VACATION" SO YOU DIDN'T

  • HAVE TO QUIT YOUR JOB IN THE ADMINISTRATION TO SEE YOUR

  • FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS.

  • HOPEFULLY, BARR WILL LEAVE OFFICE BY BEING SEIZED BY

  • ANONYMOUS FEDERAL AGENTS AND BEING STUFFED INTO AN UNMARKED

  • VAN.

  • THIS DOESN'T COME AS A HUGE SURPRISE.