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  • Hey, everybody, welcome to a rare Friday late show.

  • This is a collector's item.

  • Take this show.

  • Put it one of those plastic sleeves and put it away.

  • Don't let your kids play with it.

  • Keep it cherry.

  • I'm your host.

  • Stephen Colbert T g i f.

  • By which I mean thank God inoculations finally also thank God for a new president.

  • Finally, finally, whether or not the current one clinging by his fingernails to the White House door frame is ready to sack up and accept reality.

  • Yesterday, President elect Biden and Vice President elect Harris had their first official post election interview with Jake the Tapper.

  • Biden said a lot of things, none of which will have to be defended in court by his drippy farting lawyer, The Times They are a changing one of the biggest.

  • I'm just so happy, so damn happy they will Friday show.

  • One of the biggest topics Jake covered was an update on the president elect's recent Bussi last week.

  • We learned that Biden it fractured his foot while playing with one of his dogs.

  • We all wondered how that was even possible to the two of them go base jumping.

  • We know he loves it Well, Biden cleared that up.

  • How is your foot?

  • And what happened?

  • What happened was e got out of the shower.

  • I got a dog and anybody's been around my house knows, dropped a little pup, dropped the ball in front of me and for me to grab the ball.

  • And I'm walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom.

  • And I grabbed the ball like this and he ran on.

  • I was joking.

  • Running after him to grab his tail on.

  • What happened was that he slid on a throw rug and I tripped on the rug.

  • He slid on.

  • That's what happened.

  • This story has everything intrigue, suspense, an old man washing himself.

  • But there's a lot to unpack in the story.

  • That's why tonight I'm introducing new segment.

  • The Late shows Joe Biden.

  • Broken foot breakdown.

  • Let's start at the beginning, Joe.

  • What happened was e got out of the shower.

  • Okay, Stop right there.

  • Interesting detail paints a picture not necessarily relevant to the rest of the story.

  • You never heard this.

  • And Dickins It was the best of times.

  • It was the worst of times.

  • But first let me be clear.

  • I will butt ass naked.

  • You can see everything.

  • Even Little Dorrit.

  • So Biden's nude, wet and vulnerable.

  • Please continue.

  • I got a dog and anybody's been around my house.

  • Knows, dropped a little pup dropped the ball in front of me.

  • And for me to grab the ball.

  • Okay, Let's pause there again, sir.

  • Why does anyone who's ever been to your house know that your dog waits for you with the shower door?

  • Thanks for coming to check out The cable box keeps Fritz ing out any.

  • We gotta go upstairs.

  • Let the pup get a gander at me.

  • Suds in up rub a dub, dub, Jack Loofa.

  • Okay, so the dog dropped the ball for Joe to play with.

  • Go on on.

  • I'm walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom again.

  • You heard that, right, Joe?

  • So old school, Scranton.

  • He's got an alleyway between his bathroom and his bedroom.

  • When he wants a glass of water and 3 a.m. He's got a knife.

  • Fight of street.

  • Tough on his way to the sink.

  • Come here.

  • But you get the idea.

  • I get the idea.

  • We all get the idea.

  • You're on the move.

  • What happens then?

  • And I'm walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom.

  • And I grabbed the ball like this, and he ran, and I was joking running after him to grab his tail.

  • Okay, Pause again.

  • You had the ball, and you were chasing the dog.

  • That that is not how fetch works.

  • Keep going.

  • What happened was that he slid on a throw rug and I tripped on the rug.

  • He slid on.

  • That's what happened.

  • Start to feel like the dog wasn't really much of a factor here.

  • Is this gonna be a trend throughout the whole presidency?

  • So I got bad news about that single player healthy.

  • But what?

  • Sorry.

  • What?

  • It'll sound holes ain't working like they used them to try that again.

  • Jack, we've got bad news about the single payer health plan.

  • You see, my dog stepped on the keyboard.

  • Long story short.

  • Blue Cross owns all your organs.

  • Bad dog ps naked the whole time, Jack.

  • Buffing it.

  • I'm really gonna enjoy this.

  • I'm gonna enjoy this.

  • But my favorite part of the story is how my friend Jake just transition smoothly out of it.

  • That's what happened.

  • Oh, man, Not not Not very exciting story.

  • No, but let's turn to ah, much more serious health matter, which is obviously the worsening pandemic.

  • What if Jakes ever been a best man?

  • Alan Rachel, Seeing the two of you together warms my heart.

  • Speaking of warmth, let's talk about the devastating California wildfires.

  • But But Jakes right?

  • Things were not going well in America's fight against the coronavirus.

  • And I will spread the latest information in my lingering segment.

  • Catch a third wave, endless bummer.

  • Even I don't wanna catch me.

  • Hey, I'm getting self Yesterday, America suffered its worst day of the pandemic breaking records that were set on Lee the day before.

  • And we just learned that as of this week, coronavirus is the number one cause of death in the United States, surpassing heart disease.

  • And may I remind you this is the country that invented deep fried Oreos and Oreos.

  • But unlike our current president, Biden has a plan to get covered under control, and it begins with a simple step.

  • I think my inclination, uh, Jake is in the first day I'm inaugurated to say I'm gonna ask the public for 100 days to mask, and it really is reasonable because most of us are already doing it.

  • A recent survey says that 77% of Americans say they're closely adhering to recommendations to wear masks.

  • Not too closely.

  • Remember to stay 6 ft away from the recommendations, please.

  • Biden also announced that Dr Fauci will keep his job, but now he'll be allowed to do his job so fat she's gonna be even busier.

  • Which is hard to imagine, considering that this 79 year old immunologist already has an 18 hour work day with just 1 10 minute bathroom break.

  • Good Lord Fauci is setting an example that is impossible for the rest of us to live up to wear a mask.

  • Okay, wash your hands, I get it, but go through all of your bodily functions in 10 minutes before lunch.

  • How am I supposed to catch up on my installers now?

  • Moving on to more urgent news.

  • This show has been rigorously following the movements of the monolith, both in our monolith themed monologue segment called The Monologue and our Full Monolith.

  • Meanwhile, coverage mon while, but there've been so many recent developments that we have to track all of the monolith updates and record them now in a detailed log book with our new monolith themed monologue sub segment.

  • The monologue Previously on the monologue.

  • The monolith appeared first in Utah, then disappeared, moved to Romania that on Wednesday the monolith made a triumphant return to California.

  • But sadly, it turns out we can't have nice monoliths anymore because, according to Gizmodo, bigot, live streamers have tourney down the California monolith in Christ's name.

  • Well, that makes sense.

  • Jesus himself said.

  • Blessed are the bigot live streamers, for they shall inherit a misguided sense of morality and ruin Anything fun.

  • Here's what happened.

  • The monolith was standing on hillside, minding his own business when three young men showed up, one of whom was wearing a Make America great again headband and called part of the monoliths construction gay.

  • Okay, I got a lot of questions.

  • First of all, I know about the hats, but they make Maga headbands now.

  • Are they starting Maga size classes.

  • Stand back.

  • Stand by.

  • Do not feel the Bern, by the way, this is This is me demonstrating exercise.

  • It gives you some idea what I look like under the shirt second of all besides the offensive use of gay as a slur, how can part of the monolith be gay?

  • There are no parts.

  • It is a mono lift.

  • There's only one part.

  • The boys then tore down the monolith and replaced it with a wooden cross.

  • Far be it for me to tell these idiots how to do their stupid, but it seems like it could have saved a lot of time and effort by just adding a perpendicular beam to the model it model.

  • If there's already two thirds of across, then they would have had more free time for their other important work, like crossbow shopping and going out in the backyard and shooting full cans of beef.

  • A Roni with a crossbow thes had been wearing monolith hating Bible.

  • Breaux's explained their logic, saying, Christ is king in this country.

  • We don't want illegal aliens from Mexico or outer space.

  • You see, that's the kind of ignorant hate speech that is ruining this beautiful country.

  • Space aliens already have it rough enough.

  • I mean, look at Superman.

  • He saved us from Lex Luther countless times.

  • You know, he still had to marry Lois Lane just to get a green card.

  • But maybe my favorite part of this dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb story is that after they toppled the monolith, they tied ropes around it and dragged it down the mountain, calling it names.

  • Ah, sweetie, it can't hear you.

  • It's an object.

  • A sexy, direct object that means nothing to you.

  • Now drive off into the sunset with your truck full of sweaty had been wearing boys and never questioned the deeper meaning off you spending all night roping the giant shaft.

  • And if the pandemic is making you wish you lived in a galaxy far, far away.

  • Hey, good news, folks.

  • Because starting in January, the new TV show, Star Wars Kenobi is set to shoot in Boston.

  • Wait, But what Boston really is this show about Obi Wan Kenobi or his cousin from Southie?

  • Obi Sean Kenobi.

  • Look, your helmets wicked.

  • Piss up with These aren't the droids.

  • You're looking forward now to go park the death star Calderon and use the force.

  • I'm your father.

  • It was a perfect Boston accent.

  • No letters.

  • Maybe the old Jedi has been Irish the whole time.

  • The correct spelling of his name is O B one But the setting in Boston might prove a little challenging because according to shows description, that show is set on tattoo in a harsh desert world where farmers toil in the heat of two sons.

  • So the scenery around uncle owns moisture Farm is gonna look a little different this time.

  • I'll tell you this, though.

  • I'm excited to hear Yoda say this Shuck The Yankees do so the new show is undoubtedly gonna have a touch of Boston flavor.

  • In fact, we have a sneak preview of the opening credits.

  • Jim, hiding away in the outer rim takes everything you've got taking a break from all those yet I and your garbage can robot.

  • Wouldn't you like Thio?

  • Sometimes You wanna go where everybody has weird way?

  • Yeah, Not have to face that friend you maimed.

  • You wanna go where people know that troopers have terrible aim?

Hey, everybody, welcome to a rare Friday late show.

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B1 biden monologue alleyway happened rug ball

Stephen's Mono-Log Explores A Dark New Chapter For The Mysterious Globe-Trotting Monolith

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/05
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