WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW."

HOPE YOU HAD A NICE FRIDAY.

WE HAVE A GOOD ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE ALWAYS INCREDIBLE KEVIN BACON.

LATER, WE'VE GOT A COOKING DEMO WITH CHEF JAMIE OLIVER, WHO WILL

BE SHOWING ME HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT BEEF WELLINGTON.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BEEF WELLINGTON IS, REG.

>> Reggie: A BAKED PASTRY BEEFY THING.

>> James: THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S A BAKED PASTRY BEEFY THING.

WHICH IST WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO CALL IT.

WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW, LET'S CALL IT SOMETHING WEIRDER.

IAN, YOU'VE COOKED A BEEF WELLINGTON BEFORE.

I'VE SEEN PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THIS.

>> IT'S A HURRICANE OF SAVORY FLAVORS.

>> James: THAT'S IT!

FOR AMERICANS, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE AFTER TONIGHT'S SHOW,

BEEF WELLINGTON WILL BE SWEEPING AMERICA.

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET A FILET OF BEEF OR A PUFF PASTRY

ANYWHERE.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE TO CALL IT A BIG POCKET.

>> CALL IT A MEAT PILLOW.

>> James: YEAH, COME OVER, WE'RE COOKING A MEAT PILLOW.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S NOT A HUGE THING ALREADY.

>> James: YEAH.

IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.

>> James: YEAH.

TAKING SOMETHING AND SHOVING IT INTO ANOTHER SOMETHING.

>> James: THAT'S IT.

AFTER TONIGHT'S SHOW, WE'RE A YEAR AWAY FROM PIZZA HUT PUTTING

A BEEF WELLINGTON INTO THE CRUST OF A PIZZA.

>> YES.

>> James: WHICH I'M INCREDIBLY EXCITED ABOUT.

>> PATTON PENDING.

>> James: SENSATIONAL.

MOVING ON, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.

SOME BREAKING NEWS FROM CAPITOL HILL.

THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PASSED A HISTORIC BILL TODAY

THAT WOULD DECRIMINALIZE THE USE OF CANNABIS.

(APPLAUSE) YEAH.

THE HOUSE WAS LIKE "ALL THOSE OPPOSED SAY "NAY."

ALL THOSE IN FAVOR SAY "COOL...

COOL..."

"YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN" ( LAUGHTER )

"SURE, YEAH, I'M DOWN."

THE MEASURE IS NOT EXPECTED TO PASS INTO LAW.

OR SHOULD I SAY, IT IS NOT EXPECTED TO "PUFF, PUFF, PASS"

INTO LAW.

EVEN STILL, NANCY PELOSI WAS LIKE, "THIS IS ENOUGH TO PROVE

THAT WE'RE COOL THOUGH, RIGHT?" AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?

LAST NIGHT, JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS GAVE THEIR FIRST SIT-DOWN

INTERVIEW TOGETHER SINCE THE ELECTION.

AND DURING THE INTERVIEW, BIDEN SAID HE WILL ASK AMERICANS TO

WEAR A MASK FOR HIS FIRST 100 DAYS IN OFFICE.

>> MY INCLINATION, JAKE, IS ON THE FIRST DAY I'M INAUGURATED TO

SAY I'M GOING TO ASK THE PUBLIC FOR 100 DAYS TO MASK, JUST 100

DAYS TO MASK.

NOT FOREVER, 100 DAYS.

>> James: AND ALL THE ANTIMASKERS WERE

LIKE, "JUST 100?

SURE!

WE'RE REASONABLE PEOPLE."

( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN WILL ASK EVERYONE TO WEAR

MASKS FOR 100 DAYS, SO IF YOU'VE BEEN TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF

ADULT BRACES, FEBRUARY FEELS LIKE YOUR MOMENT.

>> YES!

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THE ONLY WAY THIS

WILL ACTUALLY WORK IS IF THERE'S A BIG PRIZE

AT THE END OF THE 100 DAYS.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING FUN, LIKE A JETSKI.

OR THE END OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

( LAUGHTER ) AT ANOTHER POINT IN THE

INTERVIEW, JAKE TAPPER ASKED THE PRESIDENT-ELECT HOW HE RECENTLY

INJURED HIS FOOT, AND BIDEN HAD THIS ODD ANECDOTE TO SHARE.

>> HOW IS YOUR FOOT AND WHAT HAPPENED?

>> WHAT HAPPENED WAS I GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER -- I'VE GOT A DOG,

AND ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN AROUND MY HOUSE KNOWS, THE LITTLE PUP

DROPPED THE BALL IN FRONT OF ME AND FOR ME TO GRAB THE BALL.

AND I'M WALKING THROUGH THIS LITTLE ALLEYWAY TO GET TO THE

BEDROOM AND I GRABBED THE BALL LIKE THIS AND HE RAN AND I WAS

JOKING RUNNING AFTER HIM TO GRAB HIS TAIL.

AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE SLIPPED ON A THROW RUG AND I TRIPPED ON

THE RUG HE SLID ON.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

>> OH, MAN.

NOT A VERY EXCITING STORY.

>> JAMES: I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS.

MY MAIN TAKEAWAY IS WE DIDN'T REALLY NEED THE SHOWER

BIT OF THAT STORY.

THAT SHOWER PART IS ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY.

THERE'S NO NEED TO SAY YOU'RE IN A SHOWER.

YOU JUST SAY, I WAS CHASING MY DOG AND TRIPPED OVER HIM.

NOW WE'RE JUST IMAGINING JOE BIDEN RUNNING AROUND WET AND

NAKED.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT ALSO, WHY DOES JOE BIDEN

HAVE AN "ALLEYWAY" INSIDE HIS HOUSE?

IT'S CALLED A HALLWAY, ISN'T IT?

THIS IS ALL STARTING TO SOUND SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE MALARKEY TO

ME, AND THAT WAS THE ONE THING HE

PROMISED US.

-- PROMISED US HE WOULD NOT DO.

BUT THIS DOES BRING UP AN INTERESTING QUESTION.

WHAT DO WE THINK JOE BIDEN DOES SHOWER GEL-WISE?

DO YOU THINK HE'S A SHOWER GEL GUY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAGAR?

I THINK HE'S A BAR SOAP MAN.

HE USES IT TILL IT'S THE SIZE OF A GUITAR PICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT'S YOUR SHOWER ROUTINE?

OR ARE YOU A BATH GUY?

>> Reggie: I DON'T LIKE BATHS.

>> James: REALLY.

>> Reggie: NO.

>> James: DON'T LIKE A BATH?

>> Reggie: I WOULD LIKE TO, SOUNDS SO RO ROMANTIC AND COZY,T

IT JUST TAKES TOO LONG.

>> James: WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT TO DO N NOWADAYS?

( LAUGHTER ) BUT I ENJOY -- I LIKE A SOAK.

I LIKE A SOAK.

I ALSO LIKE TESTING MY BODY.

I LIKE GETTING IN, THAT'S TOO HOT, DON'T GET OUT, WAIT, LET

YOUR BODY GET USED TO IT -- AAAHHH!

, AAAHHH!

AAAHHH!

ACTUALLY, IT'S OKAY, IT'S NOT TOO BAD, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THE OTHER THING IS COLD, THAT'S WHAT I ENJOY.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP AND

VICE PRESIDENT PENCE ARE HEADING DOWN TO GEORGIA THIS WEEKEND TO

CAMPAIGN FOR THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES IN THE SENATE RUNOFF

ELECTION.

THE BEST PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO GIVE A

SINGLE (BLEEP) ABOUT WHAT TRUMP AND PENCE ARE UP TO ANYMORE.

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, BOTH OF THEM WILL BE CAMPAIGNING IN

GEORGIA.

BUT I THINK WE KNOW, REALLY, IT'S ALL ABOUT THAT

LIGHTNING-IN-A-BOTTLE CHARISMA OF MIKE PENCE.

( LAUGHTER ) DONALD TRUMP IS GOING, PENCE

WILL BE SPEAKING, GET IN THE CAR.

THE WAY IT'LL WORK IS LIKE THIS: TRUMP WILL RANT AT A RALLY FOR

90 MINUTES ABOUT ELECTION FRAUD AND HOW THE WHOLE THING IS

RIGGED, AND THEN PENCE WILL BE LIKE, "SO GET OUT TO THE POLLS!"

VOTE!

( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS,

A NORDSTROM AD FOR ELBOW-LENGTH RED GLOVES IS BEING MOCKED AS A

"MURDER DRESS," AND I THINK YOU'LL SEE WHY.

HERE IT IS HERE.

IT DOES LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D WEAR TO KILL SOMEONE.

EITHER THAT OR TO ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE A COW.

( LAUGHTER ) AND THE LOOK IS PRETTY

VERSATILE.

YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT FROM PUSHING YOUR THIRD HUSBAND OFF A BOAT TO

THE RED CARPET.

( LAUGHTER ) I DO THINK MURDERERS -- I DO

FEEL LIKE -- ( LAUGHTER )

I DO THINK THAT MURDERERS ARE A GROUP OFTEN OVERLOOKED BY

ADVERTISERS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY'RE RARELY SPOKEN TO.

>> Reggie: YEAH.

>> James: NO ONE EVER GOES, THIS IS GREAT, BUT ARE WE

IGNORING MURDERERS HERE?

SUSAN IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE THI- ( LAUGHTER )

YOU FEEL THEY ARE TARGETED TO, SUSAN?

>> IT TOOK A TURN, THE WHOLE SHOW.

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: IT TOOK A TURN.

YOU'RE RIGHT SUSAN, IT TOOK A TURN.

HERE'S A FUN STORY WE SAW.

DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE 12-FOOT-TALL SKELETONS THAT

BECAME A HOT-SELLING ITEM FOR HALLOWEEN?

WELL, SURPRISINGLY, PEOPLE ARE HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING A

PLACE TO STORE THEM NOW.

SO, THEY'RE JUST INCORPORATING THEM INTO THEIR HOLIDAY DECOR.

FOR EXAMPLE, HERE: THERE.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS ONE.

AND THIS ONE, ALSO.

I MEAN, YOU THOUGHT YOUR KIDS HAD TROUBLE

GETTING TO SLEEP ON CHRISTMAS EVE BEFORE.

( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE HAVE 12-FOOT SKELETONS

JUST TAKING UP SPACE IN THEIR HOUSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE?

GUYS?

SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF DEAD WEIGHT.

(RIM SHOT) I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE LOOKING AT

THOSE DISPLAYS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, THAT IS REALLY CREEPY."

EXCEPT IN L.A., WHERE THEY'RE LIKE, "LOOKING GOOD!

ALMOST TO YOUR GOAL WEIGHT.

I LOVE THIS FOR YOU!

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!

TWO MORE WEEKS YOU'LL BE MUAH!" ( LAUGHTER )

AND FINALLY, WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON A VERY IMPORTANT STORY WE

BROUGHT YOU EARLIER IN THE WEEK.

NOBODY ELSE HAD THE COURAGE TO BRING YOU THIS STORY, BUT WE

DID.

WE MET IT HEAD ON AND WERE BRAVE ENOUGH WHEN WE TOLD YOU ABOUT

THE SEVEN-FOOT-TALL MOUNTAINTOP SCULPTURE OF A PENIS THAT WENT

MISSING IN GERMANY?

POLICE WERE INVESTIGATING AND NOBODY KNEW WHERE IT WENT.

WELL, WE'RE PLEASED TO REPORT, A NEW, SLIGHTLY LARGER PENIS HAS

MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARED IN ITS PLACE.

HERE IT IS HERE.

LOOK AT THIS!

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY THE

PENIS ENDED UP GETTING BIGGER...

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO LEARN MORE.

( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE SEE THAT MOUNTAIN-TOP

SCULPTURE AGAIN?

LOOK AT THAT.

I'M NOT SURE WHERE IT CAME FROM BUT I THINK ONE OF THOSE GIANT

CHRISTMAS SKELETONS MIGHT BE MISSING A BONE.

( LAUGHTER ) THE MOUNTAIN HAS A NEW, LARGER

PENIS.

IT'S CLICHEÉ, BUT IT WAS EITHER THIS, OR THE MOUNTAIN WAS GOING

TO BUY AN EXPENSIVE SPORTS CAR.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS A TERRIBLE GRAPHIC JOKE.

THAT IS.

CAN WE SEE THAT GRAPHIC AGAIN?

THAT IS -- IF YOU SHOWED THAT TO SOMEONE WITHOUT THE CONTEXT, NO

ONE WOULD GO, OH, THAT'S CLEARLY A MOUNTAIN SPORTS CAR.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

>> I THINK IT WORKS, HE'S HAVING A NICE TIME.

>> James: HE'S HAVING■ A NICE TIME.

IS THAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

WE LOVE THAT YOU'RE HERE AND WE'LL BA B RIGHT BACK WITH KEVIN

BACON, EVERYBODY!