You could point at me all you want.

I stand on my argument.

Hello.

Welcome to a late show.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

If you're watching this at home right now, thank you.

Please stay there because the pandemic is worse than ever.

And I'll tell you all about it in tonight's installment of Catch A Third Wave.

Endless bummer.

Get out, Get out!

Experts warned us this would be a dark winter on.

Experts were right, because yesterday, American Cove in 19 deaths and Hospitalizations set records.

This is a time to try men's souls, but if we could just get through it, we can get back to setting fun records like World's Biggest pancake.

Most old ladies stuffed in a bouncy castle.

Most flammable banjo Still dangerous.

But your fun things were so bad that yesterday Ohio reached a 15% positivity rate and issued a new travel advisory so strict that the state is recommending Ohioans avoid traveling to Ohio.

And those entering Ohio after traveling from Ohio are advised to self quarantine in Ohio.

For 14 days, they've reached Mobius Quarantine.

Ohio's got its own tail in its mouth.

It's a coroner or a Boris.

It's all explained in the state's new tourism campaign.

Welcome to Ohio.

Don't come and never leave.

But despite the record breaking numbers, some folks are throwing caution to the wind.

Like Secretary of State and King of Pump Tober fest Mike Pompeo, Pompeo is hosting a big party at the State Department.

How big?

He's inviting 900 people.

900 people.

I wasn't invited, really, do they?

Do they know him on the cover of Vanity Fair?

What?

What?

I know that I know that this how it's supposed to be all the cool people do it this way.

Look at that.

I wouldn't go.

I mean, I wouldn't go.

But 900 people who think they're just throwing me an invitation.

Just be polite.

Let's see what?

It's not even a good idea.

Toe have 900 people, not during Cove It 900 people is not a party.

900 people is an airport terminal.

Republicans aren't the only ones ignoring the CDC.

In a disappointing show of bipartisanship, California Governor Gavin Newsom in San Francisco Mayor London Breed both traveled to Napa Valley recently for birthday dinners last month at the French Laundry.

Some people might think the name French Laundry means the restaurant is squeaky clean.

But remember, it's French laundry, so there's a lot of tongue so delicious.

Governor Newsome apologized.

Sort of.

A soon as I sat down at the larger table, I realized I was a little larger group, uh, than I had anticipated on I made a bad mistake.

Instead of sitting down, I should have stood up.

Yeah, virus can't get you If you're standing, you conjugate Whoa, whoa, whoa, Yeah, Thankfully, vaccine is on the way, but people might not take it.

Do too crazy conspiracy theories on social media that claimed the vaccine is a clever cover for various forms of population control by a government, deep state, private philanthropists or even Satan.

While there's precedent for the devil pushing immunization, he gave Eve the apple, and we all know that keeps the doctor away.

Thankfully, former presidents Barack Obama, George W.

Bush and Bill Clinton have all volunteered to get the coronavirus vaccine publicly to prove it safe, with Obama saying I may end up taking it on TV.

Oh, yes, that's must see baby.

Forget the man DeLorean people really wanna watch next year's biggest hit someone else's doctor's appointment?

Turn your head for justice, CBS.

But listen, If Obama, Bush and Clinton want to get vaccinated on TV, that's where I work.

Come on over, guys.

You wouldn't be the first.

Elvis Presley in 1956.

There he is, backstage at the Ed Sullivan Show.

What is he doing?

He's getting the polio vaccine.

So President Bush, President Clinton, President Obama, Put your antibodies where your mouth is.

Come on my show and drop trial backstage with the Ed Sullivan Theater in My Late Show.

Immuno tabula ex presidential Jabba Rama, featuring physician's assistant Snoop Dog.

You are going to get the vaccine, Essel believe, is what Snoop might say in this joke.

Of course, we're fixing to get another ex president pretty darn soon.

And even though we can't get him to admit that, let's learn the latest And CBS is long running segment.

Ah, I am a bitchy, sniffy, teeny, teeny orange General Mussolini, did you steal your election away the road from the White House?

Tell them what they've won over the last four years.

We've occasionally talked about this administration, you know when it was appropriate and some of the crazy, you know, Norm smashing They've done not often, but sometimes.

But now that it's about to be over the president's team or leaving it all in the field after they burned down the stadium.

But now I'm not scared about it or angry about it.

I'm just in all at the sheer majesty of their stupidity.

Case in point.

Former national security adviser and man plotting to steal every damn shrimp from that buffet.

Michael Flynn.

On Tuesday, the general tweeted and add calling on the president to invoke limited martial law.

Yes, limited that mean tanks will crush dissidents, but only at participating Arby's.

Don't worry, it's not forever.

Coup.

Flynn is calling on the president to temporarily suspend the Constitution that might help.

It was like, Hamilton said in the Federalist Papers.

Are you having trouble with your democracy?

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

But one associate of the president still takes the crazy cake, and that's attorney and hungover sweet potato Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy has been traveling the country trying to convince state legislators to throw out the votes, has not going that well to start off.

Rudy and his team held unofficial hearings in Arizona and Pennsylvania hotels.

I believe holding an unofficial hearing is also what Rudy claims he was doing in another hotel, a hearing and feeling.

But yesterday, Rudy finally had a chance to allow his argument in front of actual legislators when he appeared in front of a Michigan House oversight Committee hearing.

Yes, he finally got someone official to take him seriously, and he blew it literally because listen to this actual recording of Giuliani proving his case to the Legislature.

The answer that I gave you is they didn't bother to interview a single witness.

Wow, Rudy made a tooty, sounded fresh and fruity.

We laugh, but he was just citing the important legal precedent established in the landmark case of Smelt.

It dealt it.

God, can we please go back to When things were on Lea leaking out of Rudy's head?

Rudy wasn't the only person ruining his case because this was his star witness.

The pull book is completely off.

Completely off that 3000, I'd say that pull book is off by over 100,000, she concluded her testimony by saying, I would like to speak to America's manager.

I'll wait because I know you have it in a size six.

I'll wait.

Grain that that woman there is alleged contractor for Dominion voting systems and lady at the brunch, butchering the phrase huevos rancheros.

Melissa Karen.

Turns out Melissa had a lot to say.

That pull book.

Why don't you look at the registered voters on there?

How many registered voters air on there?

Did you do you even know the answer to that?

I guess I'm trying to get to the 000 Congratulations to all of you who didn't travel for Thanksgiving.

You still get to see your cousin.

Start a fight after three memos is if Nana loved you so much.

How many of her marble coasters did she leave you?

00 Okay, I got three.

The red one, the one with the swirly lines and the red one.

Suck it, Brenda.

Zero.

But Melissa didn't spend the whole time accusing poll workers of messing with the vote count.

She also accused the legislatures and ghosts.

Are we saying that the poll book is either wildly off or that they are filling in names?

It's wildly off and dead people voted.

My question is why we're not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes.

That's nothing.

What did you guys do?

Take it and do something crazy to it?

Why is she biting her lip?

What crazy thing does she think they did to the books?

What did you dio?

Did you take the books to a fancy hotel room, order some strawberries and champagne, give it a little back rub, and then do something crazy to it kind of thing?

Your boyfriend Brian is too scared to try.

I would like to talk to Brian's manager now.

Somebody's little girl.

Now, why should we believe her?

Well, according Thio Melissa, because she signed a piece of paper.

I know what I saw there feeling.

I know what I saw.

And I sign something saying that if I'm wrong, I could go to prison.

Did you?

Unassailable argument clinching rejoinder from the rostrum.

You sign a piece of paper, Mr.

And now, if you're ever wrong, you go to prison.

That's the law.

How do I know that?

That's the law.

I signed a piece of paper that says that's the law.

And if I'm wrong.

Why aren't I in prison?

Did you?

This testimony was so not helpful that at one point Rudy Giuliani tried to stop her.

Yes.

How many?

Wait, What about?

What about How?

What about About the turnout, right?

120%.

It's a bad sign.

What?

Rudy Giuliani thinks you're going over the top.

It's like the Hulk pulling you aside and saying, Hulk, think you need anger management, Hulk.

Not like you when you angry.

The president is trying to convince us that what we see and hear.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Order in the court, Your Highness.

I'm sorry.

This is one of my writers.

Eliana Court Lor Eliana, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here, sir, Do you even know the answer to that?

Look, I I know she's a fun character to play, but that doesn't mean you could just interrupt the monologue.

Me?

Excuse me.

Object Hman.

Ariel, this is my head writer Ariel Dumas.

Ariel, please.

Not you too.

Honestly, Eliana is impression is off by 100,000 like 120%.

She has zero blonde hair.

Zero uh, no fair.

I sign something that says if I'm wrong, I goto present.

And I wrote it on lipstick on this cocktail nap.

Get okay if you two could just let me finish my mommy.

Excuse me.

If anyone gets to play the fun drunk lady, it's the most Irish person.

Kate, you can't even pretend to be drunk.

You're pregnant.

Hey, I'm allowed one pretend.

Drink with dinner, okay?

You're all very talented, but I did not ask any of you Miss me.

Oh, my God, Philippe.

You just wanted to do the impression, didn't you?

I've been doing an impression.

I'm just drunk at work.

Debt.

People are writing this show.

Merry Hanukkah.

My riders, everybody.

My trunk Drunk riders.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

I'm gonna be talking to the former director of cybersecurity and infrastructure Security Agency, Christopher Krebs.

The guy Trump fired.