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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Here we are.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes, everybody.

  • Well guys, I saw that former presidents

  • Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton

  • want to encourage Americans to get the COVID vaccine

  • by getting theirs on camera.

  • President Trump wanted to be included, but Obama said,

  • "Uh, sorry, pal, but it's two-termers only."

  • [ Laughter ] -Ooh!

  • Ooh! Ooh!

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Meanwhile, 96-year-Old Jimmy Carter is like,

  • "Uh, hello? Anybody want to give me a vaccine?

  • [ Laughter ] You guys go ahead.

  • I'll wait in line at CVS."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It would be great if they got the vaccine together.

  • After Bush and Clinton, Obama's going to roll up his sleeve

  • like, "Welcome to the gun show.

  • Ah, right, boys?"

  • I love this idea. It's just like when Hoover,

  • F.D.R., and Truman all got prostate exams over the radio.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some news about the fight against COVID.

  • Dr. Fauci said that he's not leaving his job,

  • and today he had his first official meeting

  • with Biden's team over Zoom.

  • Fauci said it was nice to kick off a meeting

  • without the president booing him.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, the president still won't concede the election.

  • And yesterday in Michigan -- did you see this?

  • Rudy Giuliani called a star witness...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...in front of the committee to discuss voter fraud.

  • Let's see how that went, and let's meet this...

  • -If the -- -Guess how many, wait.

  • What about, what about, what about the turnout rate?

  • 120%?

  • -We're not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes.

  • That's not the case. -What did you guys do,

  • take it and do something crazy to it?

  • I know what I saw, and I signed something

  • saying that if I'm wrong, I can go to prison.

  • Did you?

  • [ Laughter ] -Whew!

  • -Yo! -Oh, my --

  • -Yo!

  • -Once again, that was their star witness.

  • Where does Rudy keep finding these people?

  • Linkedin-sane?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was clear she forgot where she was when she was like,

  • [Slurring] "Waiter, another tequila sunrise.

  • Um... [ Laughter ]

  • Because I'm drinking. Did you have one?

  • Because I'm the one who had a drink.

  • Did you? [ Laughter ]

  • Because I'm the one who had one drink."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah. -I mean, Rudy was so nervous,

  • he started squirting black ink like an octopus.

  • It just -- [ Laughter ]

  • It's not a good sign when Rudy Giuliani has to lean over

  • and go, "You're making a fool of yourself."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know that woman, but I can guarantee you

  • her Uber rating is below two stars.

  • You know what I'm saying? Do you agree?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Rudy also talked at the event

  • and a lot of people are saying that they heard something

  • while he was speaking.

  • Now, I swear -- [ Laughter ]

  • We did not do anything to this clip, okay?

  • [ Laughter ] Just watch the clip

  • and listen closely, see if you hear anything.

  • -I will ask that he be disciplined for that.

  • [ Fart ] First of all, the answer

  • I gave you is they didn't bother to interview

  • a single witness. [ Fart ]

  • Just like you.

  • -Yo.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Can we go one week without something

  • leaking out of Rudy Giuliani?

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Yep, we've had liquids and now gas.

  • God help us when a solid comes out of him.

  • I mean... [ Laughter ]

  • He's like every gross guy on the subway rolled into one human.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's actually not what you think.

  • The chair was just wet from mucus and hair dye.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Snorts and smacks lips ]

  • -Yeah.

  • -Some more political news.

  • I mean, I don't even know why we do more monologue.

  • That's all you really -- -That's it.

  • -That's it right there, yeah.

  • Some more political news this week.

  • Attorney General William Barr went against Trump and said

  • there was no widespread voter fraud,

  • and now Trump is not so happy with him.

  • Watch this.

  • -Uh...

  • Ask me that in a number of weeks from now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Which means by Sunday Trump will be like,

  • "I think it's time to free 'Willy.'"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Barr is so fired,

  • the only thing left for Trump to decide

  • is from which toilet to tweet it from.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's going to be awkward when Trump says, "You're fired,"

  • and Barr is like, "Dude, so are you!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, this is interesting. I saw that

  • President-elect Biden's leading candidate

  • for CIA director, David S. Cohen,

  • once appeared as an extra in an episode of "Game of Thrones."

  • Take a look at this.

  • Yeah, that's him. -What?

  • -Yeah, he might be in charge of the CIA.

  • Well, it turns out he's not the only government official

  • who's appeared in a big fantasy production

  • without people realizing it.

  • For example, Stephen Miller played Voldemort.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And might not know this, but Jeff Sessions

  • played the goblin banker in "Harry Potter."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, Melania Trump was the stunt double

  • for David bowie in "Labyrinth."

  • I did not realize. These are things I did not know.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Oh listen to this, Haagen-Dazs just announced

  • that America's favorite ice cream flavor of 2020 is...

  • [ Drum roll ]

  • Vanilla.

  • [ Fog horn ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Yep, the flavor of the year is vanilla,

  • and also Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year is "the."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Finally, here in New York they had to close

  • the Verrazzano Bridge this week due to high winds.

  • This video is pretty crazy. Check this out.

  • [ Creaking ]

  • -Wow. Yeah.

  • The woman from Michigan was like,

  • [Slurring] "Is that what bridges do?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Is that what bridges always do?

  • Is that what bridges do?

  • They go up and down? Is that what they do?

  • Because that one's doing it."

  • Driving over it, your GPS is like,

  • "I hope you have your affairs in order."

  • Oh, my goodness. Can you believe it's already happening?

  • This is very exciting. Guys, we have exactly

  • 12 shows left before we go on Christmas break.

  • [ Applause ] Yeah, already.

  • Which mean it's time for that beloved

  • "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

  • ♪♪ [ Applause ]

  • -♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters

  • ♪ 12 days left

  • -That's right, every show between now and Christmas,

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • an out-of-this-world Christmas sweater

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

  • There are only like five people in our audience,

  • so this is really... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • A very loud five people. This is great.

  • The odds are great that you'll be going home

  • with something special.

  • Now, since there are 12 shows left, let's open door number 12.

  • [ Drum roll ]

  • Ooh. Oh, yes.

  • Oh, it's so beautiful --

  • Look at this. Yeah, let's see it.

  • Oh!

  • Oh, wow. That's a lot of --

  • a lot of balls around there.

  • That's unbelievable. That is a fancy, fancy --

  • Ooh, the back! Look at the back.

  • [ Applause ] This is a one of a kind.

  • This is a one of a kind.

  • Now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.

  • Everyone look at your seat number,

  • and if I call your number, come on down.

  • Who wants this sweater, huh? Come on.

  • Quest, can I get a drum roll, please?

  • [ Drum roll ] [ Applause ]

  • Ah, da-da-da-da!

  • 305!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Come on down.

  • Oh, welcome. Thank you so much.

  • Please, right over there.

  • Oh, my goodness. Hi, how are you?

  • What is your name? -Jennifer.

  • -Jennifer, where are you from? -Brooklyn.

  • -Brooklyn! Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Jennifer, it's a little chilly out there right now.

  • Do you have anything like this? -No, nothing like this.

  • -No. Would you like to try it on?

  • -Yes, yes. -Please try it. Go for it.

  • -Got some music? -I can't help you.

  • Yeah, go for it. Yep. Yeah, here you go.

  • You can -- [ Applause ]

  • This is gonna be -- Trust me, it's gonna go --

  • Oh, I can already tell, this is going to be a winner.

  • Winner. Look at this.

  • Oh, I am loving this. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Are you kidding me?

  • You are a supermodel. Look at this.

  • Are you kidding me?

  • You are -- thank you so much for playing

  • and coming to our audience tonight.

  • I'm so thankful you're here.

  • And congratulations once again to our winner.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.

  • -Stick around. We'll be right back

  • with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Come on.

  • ♪♪

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

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Rudy Giuliani Farts During Michigan Voter Fraud Hearing | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/04
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