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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TOMORROW MARKS ONE MONTH SINCE THE ELECTION, AND THE PRESIDENT

  • HAS SPENT THAT ENTIRE TIME THROWING A LOUD, PANTS-FILLING

  • TANTRUM.

  • IF WE DON'T CHANGE PRESIDENTS SOON, HE'S GOING TO GET A RASH.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF OUR

  • NEVER-ENDING SEGMENT...

  • >> ♪ DUMP! DUMP! DUMP!

  • ILLEGAL MASSIVE DUMPS!

  • ♪ I'M A DOPE, PROUD BOYEEEE! ♪

  • >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE"

  • >> Stephen: WOOO!

  • THE PRESIDENT'S COMPLAINTS ABOUT FAKE ELECTION FRAUD ARE MORE

  • THAN JUST RECREATIONAL WHINING.

  • IN FACT, HIS REFUSAL TO CONCEDE IS SEEN BY SOME OF HIS

  • FOLLOWERS AS A CALL TO ARMS, WHICH HAS MADE FOR A DANGEROUS

  • SITUATION DOWN IN GEORGIA, WHERE THERE HAVE BEEN MANY THREATS OF

  • VIOLENCE, INCLUDING AGAINST A 20-YEAR-OLD VOTING SYSTEM

  • CONTRACTOR WHO WAS TARGETED BY SOMEONE WHO HUNG A NOOSE AND

  • DECLARED THAT THE WORKER SHOULD BE "HUNG FOR TREASON," AND

  • CARAVANS OF HORN-HONKING MAGA SUPPORTERS CONSTANTLY PARADING

  • PAST SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD RAFFENSPERGER'S PRIVATE

  • RESIDENCE.

  • WELL, THAT CARAVAN FINALLY SHOWED UP, AND THE PRESIDENT WAS

  • RIGHT-- IT'S FULL OF BAD HOMBRES LOOKING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY.

  • WELL, IN RESPONSE, YESTERDAY, ONE OF GEORGIA'S TOP ELECTION

  • OFFICIALS, GABRIEL STERLING, A REPUBLICAN, GAVE AN EMOTIONAL

  • PRESS CONFERENCE.

  • >> I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO KEEP IT TOGETHER, BECAUSE IT HAS

  • >> I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO KEEP IT TOGETHER, BECAUSE IT HAS

  • ALL GONE TOO FAR, ALL OF IT.

  • A 20-SOMETHING TECH IN GWINNETT COUNTY TODAY HAS DEATH THREATS

  • AND A NOOSE PUT OUT, SAYING HE SHOULD BE HUNG FOR TREASON

  • BECAUSE HE WAS TRANSFERRING A REPORT ON BATCHES FROM AN E.M.S.

  • TO A COUNTY COMPUTER SO HE COULD READ IT.

  • IT HAS TO STOP.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING UP.

  • UNFORTUNATELY, WE KNOW HOW THINGS END WHEN YOU TELL THE

  • PRESIDENT TO STOP: $130,000 CHECK, BUT ONLY IF THE ENTIRE

  • STATE OF GEORGIA SIGNS AN N.D.A.

  • ANYWAY THE SPEECH BLEW UP YESTERDAY AND THIS GEORGIAN

  • ELECTION OFFICIAL WAS PRAISED FOR HIS COURAGE, HIS CLARITY,

  • AND HIS CALL FOR CIVILITY.

  • AND THE PRESIDENT HEARD THAT AND POPPED OPEN A CAN OF SUCK IT.

  • TODAY AROUND 4:00 EASTERN CRAZY TIME, THE PRESIDENT POSTED A

  • CONSPIRACY THEORY-FILLED RANT ON FACEBOOK-- NO PRESS, NO

  • QUESTIONS.

  • NOT EVEN THE MEDIATING LOWER THIRD GRAPHICS OF CABLE NEW.

  • JUST UNCUT, CRAZY PACKED INTO A STRAW AND BLOWN RIGHT INTO THE

  • BRAIN STEM OF THE KAMIKAZE MAGA DEAD-ERNDS.

  • AND HE STARTED WITH THIS: >> THIS MAY BE THE MOST

  • IMPORTANT SPEECH I'VE EVER MADE.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK YOU MISREAD ONE WORD, MR. PRESIDENT.

  • IT MAY BE THE MOST "IMPOTENT" SPEECH YOU EVER MADE.

  • BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ANOTHER RAMBLING MASS OF LIES THAT

  • LASTED A FULL 46 MINUTES.

  • MY BIG COMPLAINT: HE SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS A WEEK AGO, NOT

  • BECAUSE HE SAID ANYTHING WORTH HEARING, BUT AT LEAST THE PEOPLE

  • WHO CANCELLED A BIG FAMILY THANKSGIVING COULD HAVE

  • PRETENDED THEY WERE STILL EATING WITH THEIR RACIST UNCLE.

  • AND HE. BROUGHT. PROPS.

  • >> IN WISCONSIN, AS AN EXAMPLE, WHERE WE WERE WAY UP ON ELECTION

  • NIGHT, THEY ULTIMATELY HAD US MIRACULOUSLY LOSING BY 20,000

  • VOTES.

  • AND I CAN SHOW YOU RIGHT HERE THAT WISCONSIN, WE'RE LEADING

  • BY A LOT.

  • AND THEN, AT 3:42 IN THE MORNING, THERE WAS THIS.

  • IT WAS A MASSIVE DUMP OF VOTES.

  • >> Stephen: AGAIN WITH THE MASSIVE DUMPS?

  • BUT GIVEN HIS CHEESEBURGER AT BEDTIME, 3:42 IN THE MORNING

  • SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT FOR HIM.

  • THE PRESIDENT ALSO LAID OUT SOME PRETTY INTERESTING THEORIES.

  • >> ALSO, IN ARIZONA, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL ANNOUNCED THAT

  • MAIL-IN BALLOTS HAD BEEN STOLEN FROM MAILBOXES AND HIDDEN UNDER

  • A ROCK.

  • >> Stephen: "HIDDEN UNDER A ROCK"?

  • IN ARIZONA?

  • IN THE DESERT?

  • DID A FAST BIRD GOING "MEEP MEEP" DO THIS AND YOU TRIED

  • TO CHASE THE BIRD, AND YOU RAN INTO A PAINTING OF A TUNNEL ON

  • THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN?

  • BY THE WAY, IF YOU RUN OFF A CLIFF, YOU'LL BE FINE, AS LONG

  • AS YOU DON'T LOOK DOWN.

  • SHOWING A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF SELF-AWARENESS, THE PRESIDENT

  • EVEN KNEW HOW POORLY HIS STUPIDITY WOULD BE RECEIVED.

  • >> EVEN WHAT I'M SAYING NOW WILL BE DEMEANED AND DISPARAGED,

  • BUT THAT'S OKAY.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY.

  • YOU'RE A PETTY, ANGRY MAN, YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE AND HAVE

  • NEVER DESERVED.

  • AND IN 50 DAYS, YOU'LL BE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WITHOUT THE

  • PROTECTIONS OF EXECUTIVE POWER, AND NO COURT IS GOING TO UPHOLD

  • YOU PARDONING YOURSELF.

  • PLUS, YOU'RE UGLY AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.

  • AND HERE'S THE THING: ALL THE CONTESTED STATES ARE NOW

  • CERTIFIED.

  • IT'S OVER.

  • AND STILL, STILL REPUBLICANS ARE TERRIFIED TO SPEAK THAT BASIC

  • TRUTH.

  • TAKE G.O.P. SENATOR AND ORVILLE REDENBACHER AFTER LASIK, RON

  • JOHNSON.

  • IN A PHONE CALL TWO AND A HALF WEEKS AGO, JOHNSON REPORTEDLY

  • CONFESSED HE KNOWS BIDEN WON BUT WON'T ADMIT IT, BECAUSE IT WOULD

  • BE "POLITICAL SUICIDE."

  • REALLY?

  • I WOULD SAY THE REAL POLITICAL SUICIDE IS REFUSING TO DISTANCE

  • YOURSELF FROM A PRESIDENT WHO HAS LOST AND IS WILLING TO

  • DESTROY DEMOCRACY AND YOUR PARTY OUT OF SPITE.

  • IT'S LIKE THE G.O.P. IS SAYING, "HEY, LET'S PLAY HANDS ON A HARD

  • BODY ON THIS RUNNING PICKUP TRUCK INSIDE THE GARAGE.

  • NO ONE OPEN THE DOOR TO LET THE OXYGEN IN.

  • THAT WOULD BE POLITICAL SUICIDE.

  • AND IT WOULD HURT THE TRUCK'S FEELINGS.

  • SO SLEEPY!

  • PLUS, THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE LOST!

  • YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

  • BECAUSE HE IS TAKING LEGAL PRECAUTIONS.

  • WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT HE HAS DISCUSSED PARDONS FOR HIS THREE

  • ELDEST CHILDREN AND RUDY GIULIANI AND HIS SON-IN-LAW,

  • JARED KUSHNER.

  • NOW, THUS FAR, WE DON'T KNOW THE CRIMES THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE

  • GUILTY OF, AND NEITHER DOES THE PRESIDENT.

  • HE WOULD BE SHIELDING THEM FROM PROSECUTION WITH WHAT ARE

  • KNOWN AS PREEMPTIVE PARDONS.

  • IT'S A CLASSIC MOVE.

  • ( AS HUSBAND ) "HONEY I WILL CERTAINLY TELL YOU

  • WHAT I DID WITH THE NEIGHBOR AFTER YOU FORGIVE ME.

  • DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

  • GOOD.

  • NOW I WON'T TELL YOU, BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY FORGIVEN ME, AND

  • IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IS THAT REALLY FORGIVENESS?"

  • BUT IT DOES LEAD TO ONE OBVIOUS QUESTION: WHAT ARE THEY GUILTY

  • OF?

  • FOR SOME OF THEM, IT'S PRETTY EASY.

  • JARED KUSHNER HAS LONG BEEN SUSPECTED OF SHADY FINANCIAL

  • DEALINGS, PLUS HE'S OBVIOUSLY SLENDER MAN.

  • PROSECUTORS ARE INVESTIGATING DON JR. FOR FIRST-DEGREE

  • DOUCHEBAG WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE.

  • I BELIEVE IT GOES NICKEL BAG, DIME BAG, DOUCHEBAG.

  • AND IVANKA LOOKS LIKE MAYBE SHE SHOPLIFTS FOR THRILLS.

  • HOW ELSE DID SHE GET THAT CAN OF BEANS?

  • I DON'T BELIEVE ERIC HAS VIOLATED ANY LAWS, BUT HE'S

  • STILL GRATEFUL TO GET A PARDON.

  • ( AS ERIC ) "THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT

  • THAT MY DAD HAS EVER GIVEN ME.

  • ALSO, THE ONLY CHRISTMAS GIFT."

  • NOW, AS SOMEONE WHO HASN'T COMMITTED A LOT OF CRIME-- THAT

  • I KNOW OF-- A PREEMPTIVE BLANKET PARDON FOR EVERYTHING

  • YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE DONE SEEMS A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

  • CRIME-ING IS LIKE DRINKING: IT'S A RED FLAG IF YOU DON'T KNOW

  • EXACTLY HOW MANY DRINKS YOU'VE HAD OR CRIMES YOU'VE DONE.

  • AND IN RUDY'S CASE, HOW MANY CRIMES YOU'VE DONE WHILE

  • NOT KNOWING HOW MANY DRINKS YOU'VE HAD.

  • SPEAKING OF WHICH, UNLIKE THE KIDS, RUDY IS FACING SPECIFIC

  • ALLEGATIONS.

  • THE F.B.I. IS REPORTEDLY INVESTIGATING GIULIANI'S

  • UKRAINE EFFORTS, INCLUDING HIS POSSIBLE TIES TO RUSSIAN

  • INTELLIGENCE.

  • ALTHOUGH, RUDY BELIEVES HE CAN PROVE IT'S ACTUALLY THE F.B.I.

  • THAT'S CORRUPT, BASED ON SOME DOCUMENTS HE GOT FROM HIS

  • FRIENDS IN RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE.

  • IT'S FUN TO GUESS WHICH MEMBER OF THE ADMINISTRATION DID WHAT,

  • WHICH IS WHY WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE CREATED THIS FUN

  • "CRIMINAL ACTIVITY PAGE."

  • FOR YOU TO DOWNLOAD.

  • ON THE LEFT, YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE POTENTIAL PARDON-GETTERS,

  • AND ON THE RIGHT, THERE'S A LIST OF CRIMES, LIKE MONEY

  • LAUNDERING, TAX EVASION, AND SNORTING COKE OFF THE LAST

  • LIVING BLACK RHINO.

  • YOU HAVE TO MATCH THE PERSON TO THEIR CRIME.

  • AND THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.

  • OF COURSE, IT'S NOT JUST RUDY AND THE KIDS.