SOME CHUCK MANJION, JON.

SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

>> Jon: WHERE YOU ARE?

WHERE YOU AT?

WHERE YOU AT?

>> Stephen: I'M RIGHT HERE.

DID THOSE BISCUITS WORK OUT?

>> Jon: MAN, IT WAS SO HOOKED UP, MAN.

HAVING THANKSGIVING, JUST ME AND MY LADIES, IT'S CRAZY TO HAVE SO

MUCH FOOD.

>> Stephen: DID YOU SAY, "ME AND MY LADIES IN?

DID YOU SAY MULTIPLE LADIES?

>> Jon: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

JUST ONE.

WE HAD 20 BISQUE I WANTS FOR TWO PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK WE GOT THEM MIXED UP.

I THINK YOU GOT MY BISCUIT ORDER, BECAUSE I HAD 10

BISCUITS, AND I HAD SIX PEOPLE.

SO, OKAY.

I HOPE YOU ATE THEM ALL, THOUGH.

>> Jon: NO, MAN, THANK YOU.

I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

>> Stephen: I'M GLAD.

IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO KNOW YOU HAD THEM.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

LET'S DO SOME MORE.

>> Jon: HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

AND WE HAVE THE CAROL SEASON NOW.

YOU SEE THAT?

IT'S CAROL TIME.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A KALE FOR THE PEOPLE.

>> Jon: MAN, WHAT'S SOME GOOD ONES?

THAT'S WHAT GOOD PUBLIC DOMAINS ONE?

>> Stephen: "OH, COME, OCOME, EMANUEL."

YOU KNOW THAT ONE?" >> Jon: OH, YEAH.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, JON.

YOU KNOW, MOST DAYS, I GATHER ONLY THE FINEST PIECES OF NEWS

IVORY FROM THE CARGO HOLD OF MY TOPICAL WHALING BOAT AND

METICULOUSLY CRAFT THEM INTO THE BEAUTIFUL, ELABORATE

SATIRICAL SCRIMSHAW THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO JUST SHOVE MY UNGLOVED HAND INTO THE

JOURNALISTIC TROUGH OF FISH GUTS, PULL OUT SOME SALTY,

DISCARDED HEADLINE HUNKS, THEN GRIND THEM UP AND SCRAPE THEM

INTO THE CHUM BUCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> "QUARANTINEWHILE."

>> Stephen: QUARANTINEWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR SANTA-CON, THE ANNUAL

BAR CRAWL THAT DRAWS "AN ESTIMATED 30,000 SANTAS, OFTEN

LEADING TO PUBLIC URINATING, FIGHTS, AND SANTAS PASSING

OUT IN SUBWAY STATIONS."

BECAUSE NEW YORK'S SANTA-CON HAS BEEN CANCELED BY COVID-19."

SO JUST TO BE CLEAR: YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, WHO WENT AHEAD WITH

THANKSGIVING, ARE LESS RESPONSIBLE THAN 30,000 WASTED

SANTAS.

BUT PERHAPS NOT A HUGE LOSS TO THE CITY GIVEN THE VISIONS OF

SANTA-CONS-PAST.

( HORNS BEEPING ) ♪ VIOLENT FIGHTS

SANTA BITES ♪ CUZ HE'S BLITZED

ON 12 BUD LIGHTS ♪ SOUND BETTER IN GERMAN.

SO, KIDS, REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE NAUGHTY, SANTA'S NO LONGER

WASTING TIME WITH LUMPS OF COAL.

HE WILL CURB-STOMP YOUR LITTLE ASS.

QUARANTINEWHILE, "FLORIDA'S FIRST SNOW PARK HAD TO UPDATE

ITS OPERATING HOURS" BECAUSE THEY "DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH SNOW."

I GOTTA SAY, BUILDING A SNOW PARK IN FLORIDA IS THE MOST

FLORIDA THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

THE OPERATORS OF THE PARK SAY THEY GOT INTO THIS PICKLE

BECAUSE THEY-- QUOTE-- "'MIS-ESTIMATED' SNOW

PRODUCTION."

SO THEY MAY BE THE DUMBEST SNOW PARK OPERATORS EVER, BUT THEY

DID INSPIRE ONE OF THE HALLMARK CHANNEL'S 300 HOLIDAY MOVIES:

"A VERY MIS-ESTIMATED CHRISTMAS."

STORY OF A BIG-CITY SNOW ENGINEER FINDS OUT IT'S NOT SO

EASY TO RUN A SNOW PARK IN CENTRAL FLORIDA.

BUT WHEN SHE MEETS A HANDSOME LOCAL MISTLETOE SALESMAN WITH A

DARK PAST, SHE REALIZES THE THING THAT SHE MIS-ESTIMATED

MOST WAS LOVE.

QUARANTINEWHILE, THE INTERNETS ARE AGOG OVER THE ANNOUNCEMENT

OF THIS BRAND-NEW "$550 MILLION MEGA-YACHT THAT LOOKS LIKE A

SHARK.

THE MEGA-YACHT IS EQUIPPED WITH ITS OWN PORT WITH ENOUGH SPACE

FOR A SECOND YACHT."

PLUS "SIX DECKS, THREE POOLS, AND THREE HELICOPTER

HANGARS."

PERFECT FOR ANYONE SAYING, "I WANT A YACHT THAT JASON BOURNE

WOULD MURDER ME ON."

IT LOOKS LIKE A YACHT ON TOP OF ANOTHER YACHT, LESS LIKE A

SHARK, MORE LIKE TWO YACHTS STACKED.

QUARANTINEWHILE, "ASTRONOMERS HAVE CREATED A NEW 'ATLAS OF

THE UNIVERSE' FEATURING A MILLION PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED

GALAXIES BEYOND THE MILKY WAY" "TO CREATE A 'GOOGLE MAPS' OF

THE NIGHT SKY."

GREAT NEWS FOR SCIENCE.

TERRIBLE NEWS FOR THE LITTLE GOOGLE STREET-VIEW GUY WHO WAS

DROPPED NEAR ANDROMEDA AND NOW DRIFTS FOREVER ALONE, HIS

SCREAMS SWALLOWED BY THE INDIFFERENT ICY VOID.

BONUS: IT WILL EVEN GIVE YOU THE FASTEST BIKE ROUTE BETWEEN HERE

AND NGC-1300.

IT'S 3.5 TIMES 10 TO THE POWER OF 19 HOURS AWAY, BUT 3.5 TIMES

10 TO THE POWER OF 18 IF YOU AVOID THE TRIBOROUGH BRIDGE.

QUARANTINEWHILE, THIS WEEKEND IN BRUSSELS, BELGIUM, A "LAWMAKER

AND DIPLOMATS FLED A POLICE RAID ON A COVID LOCKDOWN ORGY."

PLEASE, IF YOU DO ATTEND A COVID LOCKDOWN ORGY, BE SURE TO WASH

ALL YOUR ANONYMOUS SEX PARTNERS WHILE SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

TWICE.

ODDS ARE THEY ARE INTO THAT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRYAN CRANSTON.

♪ ♪ ♪