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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," here, from New York City.

  • Hey, everybody. Thank you, Roots.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, after weeks of delays,

  • the White House is finally giving

  • President-elect Biden access to something very important.

  • Watch this.

  • -2 1/2 weeks after Biden won,

  • President Trump finally giving formal approval

  • for Biden to receive the president's daily brief.

  • It's highly classified information

  • that Biden will need.

  • -That's right, the president-elect

  • is finally receiving Trump's daily brief.

  • Today, Biden was like, "Okay, gotcha. That's right.

  • Okay, this is a 'Marmaduke' cartoon.

  • So, is this --" [ Laughter ]

  • It's okay, Trump doesn't need the daily brief anymore.

  • He gets all his intelligence from Randy Quaid's tweets.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Thanks to Trump's daily brief,

  • Biden will now be well-versed in foreign and domestic threats

  • and who got eliminated on "The Bachelorette."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, it does turn out that the brief they give Biden

  • is a little different than the one they give Trump.

  • I'll show you what I mean. For instance,

  • Biden's brief says, "Iran building nuclear arsenal."

  • While Trump's brief says, "Iran make big fireworks

  • that go boom-boom."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Wow.

  • Next up, Biden's brief says,

  • "Norway experiencing harsh climate change."

  • While Trump's says, "Soon Olaf will be a puddle."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, Biden's brief says,

  • "Canada extends border restrictions with U.S."

  • While Trump's says, "Americans betrayed by Beliebers."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Just a little different.

  • Even though the transition has already begun, Rudy Giuliani

  • is still trying to overturn the election.

  • Today he talked about voter fraud at an event

  • in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

  • People were pumped about the event.

  • Not to hear Rudy's speech, just to see

  • what's gonna leak out of his head.

  • It's almost Thanksgiving, I hope it's gravy!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Rudy was smart this time.

  • First he dyed his hair, then he applied a coat

  • of Thompson's WaterSeal over it.

  • Very smart.

  • And this is very interesting.

  • Trump was also supposed to be in Gettysburg,

  • but he cancelled at the last minute

  • because of COVID concerns.

  • -Hmm? What?

  • -That's great. Trump was like,

  • "It's not safe to be there in person, so, Rudy, you go."

  • "Okay."

  • Trump ended up appearing over speakerphone in Gettysburg,

  • and he actually delivered a speech inspired by

  • Abraham Lincoln's famous address.

  • Here, check it out.

  • -Four seasons and seven total landscapings ago,

  • the liberal media brought forth

  • on this consonant, a news so fake,

  • conceived by the haters and losers,

  • can you believe it, folks,

  • and dedicated to the preposition that every person,

  • woman, man, camera, TV was created equal.

  • -Okay, I got it. That's it.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Speaking of the President, today he decided to pardon

  • his former National Security Adviser, Michael Flynn.

  • He announced it via tweet.

  • He wrote, "It is my great honor to announce that

  • General Michael T. Flynn has been granted a full pardon."

  • On one hand, Flynn is thrilled.

  • On the other, he's like, "You pardoned the turkey before me?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When people heard the name Michael Flynn, they were like,

  • "Wow, they brought back a character from season one

  • for the finale. [ Laughter ]

  • Cool!" [ Applause ]

  • That's how you do it.

  • Seriously, there's a name from the past.

  • Even Michael Flynn was like,

  • "Damn, I totally forgot about Michael Flynn."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some news about the pandemic.

  • It looks like the CDC is changing its recommendation

  • for how long you should quarantine.

  • Listen to this. -The CDC is reportedly set

  • to shorten its quarantine recommendation.

  • It could go from the current 14 days to between 7 and 10 days

  • for those who might have been exposed to the virus.

  • -Yep, this isn't based on science.

  • It's just that there's nothing left to binge on Netflix.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We already watched the chess show.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We're good.

  • Oh, if you're doing some cooking tomorrow,

  • you better listen to this.

  • A popular kitchen appliance is being recalled.

  • Take a look.

  • -Sunbeam is voluntarily recalling

  • nearly a million crock pot six-quart multicookers.

  • The company says the cookers can pressurize

  • when the lid is not fully locked,

  • and that creates a burn hazard.

  • -Anybody who watches "This Is Us" was like,

  • "A little late!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, people knew something was up

  • when the only button on the crock pot was, "Good luck."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, did you see this? There's a live action movie

  • about "Clifford the Big Red Dog" coming out.

  • And today we got our first glimpse of Clifford.

  • But some people are complaining about how he looks.

  • Let's take a look.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, no.

  • -Wait! [ Laughs ]

  • -Clifford looks like a soccer mom's teeth

  • after a pitcher of sangria.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Apparently, people were expecting Clifford to be

  • Heinz ketchup red, and what they got was Hunt's catsup.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, check this out.

  • A woman in Minnesota put some old pears in her backyard,

  • and I guess they were -- they got fermented,

  • because look what happened when a squirrel ate one.

  • -This squirrel out in Minnesota accidentally got drunk

  • when he ate a fermented pear.

  • The homeowner says that she threw out some pears

  • that she found at the bottom of her fridge.

  • The squirrel got into the pears. Luckily, he was fine,

  • walked it off and came back in the morning, was ready for more.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's going to be everyone

  • on their Thanksgiving Zoom tomorrow.

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," here, from New York City.

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Trump Pardons Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/02
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