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  • >> Stephen: THAT'S THE NEW BAND?

  • I MEAN, IT'S THE SAME BAND, BUT NEW FOOT ANNUAL OF THE BAND.

  • IT LOOKS FAB TASK.

  • THAT'S GREAT.

  • I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S REAL.

  • WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HAVE YOU MISSED ME?

  • I MISSED YOU.

  • HOW MANY DAYS WEREN'T WE DOING THE SHOW?

  • NO, ONE, ONE, BECAUSE WE DID THURSDAY'S SHOW-- WHAT ARE YOU

  • TALKING ABOUT.

  • WE DID A THURSDAY SHOW, NO FRIDAY SHOW, THEN WE DID A

  • MONDAY SHOW.

  • ONE DAY, ONE DAY.

  • ALL WE NEEDED TO BE JUST READY AND REFRESHED.

  • HEY, HAPPY DECEMBER, EVERYBODY.

  • OR VERY LATE MARCH.

  • IT'S HARD TO TELL AT THIS POINT.

  • BUT IF IT IS DECEMBER 1st, I HAVE GO TO SAY, CHRISTMAS HAS

  • COME EARLY THIS YEAR, AS THE PRESIDENT CONTINUES TO SHOWER

  • US ALL WITH THE GIFT OF WATCHING HIM LOSE EVERY DAY, SOMETIMES

  • SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.

  • AND I'LL FILL YOU IN ON HIS LATEST RAMBLINGS IN TONIGHT'S

  • EDITION OF...

  • >> "LA-LA-LA!

  • I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

  • >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE >> I DIDN'T FALL!"

  • >> Stephen: SUNDAY MORNING, THE PRESIDENT WENT ON FOX NEWS TO

  • TRADE LIES WITH FORMER JOURNALIST AND BIG-MOUTH BILLY

  • PUNDIT, MARIA BARTIROMO.

  • HERE'S THE THING: HE WAS UPSET THAT WHEN THE IN-PERSON VOTES

  • WERE COUNTED, HE WAS AHEAD, ON LEXINGTON DAY.

  • BUT THEN LATER, WHEN THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS WERE COUNTED, HE FELL

  • BEHIND.

  • BUT HE PUT IT IN MUCH MORE COLORFUL LANGUAGE.

  • >> THIS ELECTION WAS OVER, AND THEN THEY DID DUMPS.

  • THEY CALL THEM "DUMPS," BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.

  • >> Stephen: AND IF THERE'S ONE THING THIS PRESIDENT KNOWS, IT'S

  • BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.

  • HE'S TAKING ONE ON DEMOCRACY RIGHT NOW.

  • HE JUST CAN'T STAND THE FACT THAT HE'S NUMBER TWO.

  • THEN THE TEMPORARY PRESIDENT EXPLAINED THE STAKES OF THE

  • ELECTION THAT IS ALREADY OVER: >> IF I WASN'T HERE, ANTIFA

  • WOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.

  • THEY CLUB PEOPLE OVER THE HEADS WHEN NOBODY IS LOOKING, AND THEN

  • NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT.

  • IT'S A DISGRACE.

  • IT'S, ABSOLUTELY A DISGRACE.

  • AND IF I'M NOT HERE-- I'M SORT OF YOUR WALL.

  • >> Stephen: SO HE'S GONE FROM "BUILD THE WALL" TO "I AM

  • THE WALL".

  • WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THIS: HE IS DUMB AS A BRICK.

  • THEN THE PRESIDENT SPECULATED THAT THE CONSPIRACY THAT HE WAS

  • MAKING UP WAS COMING FROM INSIDE HIS OWN ADMINISTRATION.

  • >> THIS IS TOTAL FRAUD, AND HOW THE F.B.I. AND DEPARTMENT OF

  • JUSTICE-- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THEY'VE INVOLVED-- BUT HOW

  • PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH THIS STUFF IS UNBELIEVABLE.

  • >> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, THE PRESIDENT IS IMPLICATING THE

  • DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IN A CONSPIRACY WITH BIDEN, AND I

  • THINK VENEZUELA, TO COMMIT ELECTORAL FRAUD.

  • NOW, YOU'D THINK THE D.O.J.

  • WOULD WANT TO RESPOND, AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT, BECAUSE TODAY,

  • WE HEARD FROM ATTORNEY GENERAL AND THE MAN EXPLAINING THE FRIES

  • WERE NOT FOR THE WHOLE TABLE, BILL BARR.

  • THIS AFTERNOON, GENERAL BARR TOLD THE ASSOCIATED PRESS THAT

  • THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAS NOT UNCOVERED EVIDENCE OF WIDESPREAD

  • VOTER FRAUD THAT WOULD CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF THE 2020

  • PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

  • HE WILL BE MISSED.

  • IN FACT, BARR WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO DISCREDIT ONE INSANE

  • CLAIM THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAVE BEEN PUSHING ABOUT

  • A VENEZUELAN VOTING SYSTEM BEING PROGRAMMED TO GIVE THE ELECTION

  • TO BIDEN, SAYING, "THERE'S BEEN ONE ASSERTION THAT WOULD BE THE

  • CLAIM THAT MACHINES WERE PROGRAMMED TO SKEW THE ELECTION

  • RESULTS.

  • AND D.H.S. AND D.O.J. HAVE LOOKED INTO THAT, AND SO FAR, WE

  • HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING TO SUBSTANTIATE THAT."

  • ADDING, "TO DATE, WE HAVE NOT SEEN FRAUD ON A SCALE THAT COULD

  • HAVE AFFECTED A DIFFERENT OUTCOME IN THE ELECTION."

  • FRAUD ON A SCALE-- ALSO KNOWN AS THE PRESIDENT'S ANNUAL PHYSICAL.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S CHANCES OF OVERTURNING THE RESULTS WERE

  • ALWAYS NEXT TO ZERO, BUT THOSE CHANCES JUST MOVED TO DOWNTOWN

  • ZERO-TOWN, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, ARIZONA AND WISCONSIN CERTIFIED

  • BIDEN'S WIN, WHICH MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS FAILED TO STOP

  • THE VOTE CERTIFICATION IN ALL SIX STATES WHERE HE CONTESTED

  • HIS DEFEAT.

  • SO THAT'S 0 AND 6 IN THE CERTIFICATIONS, AND 0 AND 3 IN

  • RECOUNTS, AND HE HASN'T WON A SINGLE FRAUD CASE.

  • HE IS UNDEFEATED AT LOSING!

  • HE IS THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF PLAYING BASEBALL!

  • AMONG THE LOSINGS, IN WISCONSIN, THE PRESIDENT PAID $3 MILLION

  • FOR AWE PARTIAL RECOUNT OF THAT ELECTION, WHICH ENDED UP ADDING

  • 87 VOTES TO THE STATEWIDE MARGIN FOR... DRUMMED ROLE, PLEASE.

  • JOE BIDEN!

  • OH, MY GOD.

  • HE JUST KEEPS MAKING IT WORSE.

  • IT'S LIKE A GUY AT A CUSTODY HEARING SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, MY

  • WIFE HAS MADE ME SEEM LIKE A DELINQUENT FATHER AND TERRIBLE

  • GAMBLER, BUT HOW WOULD SHE KNOW ANY OF THAT?

  • I'M NEVER AROUND.

  • I'M ALWAYS AT THE CASINO!

  • BY THE WAY, I'M PUTTIN' FIFTY BUCKS ON HER WINNING THIS

  • CASE."

  • WHO'S GOT IT?

  • WHO'S TAKING IT?

  • SO WISCONSIN IS A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT FOR THE PRESIDENT,

  • BUT IF IT HELPS, ARIZONA IS WORSE.

  • REMINDER: THE COPPER STATE HAS A REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, DOUG DUCEY,

  • WHO IS SO LOYAL TO THE PRESIDENT THAT HE ONCE SAID THAT HE

  • CHANGED THE RINGTONE ON HIS PHONE FOR WHEN THE WHITE HOUSE

  • CALLS TO "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" SO HE WOULDN'T MISS A CALL FROM THE

  • PRESIDENT OR PENCE.

  • OF COURSE, ON JANUARY 20, HE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE IT TO THIS:

  • ( BECK'S "I'M A LOSER BABY" PLAYING )

  • DUCEY WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SIGNING THE ARIZONA VOTE

  • CERTIFICATION WHICH MICROPHONES PICKED THIS UP.

  • ( PHONE PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF")

  • THE PRESIDENT CALLED HIM WHILE HE WAS SIGNING, AND THE

  • GOVERNMENT SENT HIM STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL.

  • THAT IS A GUY WHO'S PICKED UP THAT PHONE ONCE TOO OFTEN.

  • "YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU TOLD ME.

  • MASSIVE DUMPS, RIGHT.

  • LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.

  • ARIZONA IS GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL.

  • CHHHHHHH."

  • DUCEY'S NOT ALONE.

  • THE PRESIDENT IS ALSO TARGETTING GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN

  • TEACHING HIMSELF TO SMILE FROM ONLINE VIDEOS, BRIAN KEMP.

  • KEMP CERTIFIED THE PRESIDENT'S LOSS IN GEORGIA, WHICH ENRAGED

  • POTUS.

  • EARLIER LAST MONTH, HE SAT WITH ADVISERS AND PLOTTED OUT A CALL

  • TO SCREAM AT KEMP.

  • YES, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A DETAILED PLAN FOR ALL YOUR

  • IMPORTANT SCREAMING.

  • YOU CAN'T JUST WING IT.

  • IT'S NOT A PANDEMIC.

  • AND WHEN HE GOT THE GOVERNOR ON THE PHONE, THE PRESIDENT URGED

  • KEMP TO DO MORE TO FIGHT FOR HIM IN GEORGIA, PUBLICLY ECHO HIS

  • CLAIMS OF FRAUD, AND APPEAR MORE REGULARLY ON TELEVISION.

  • IN RESPONSE, KEMP WAS NONCOMMITTAL.

  • WOW, HOW DID THAT GO?

  • "THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT JUST LOOKING AHEAD ON MY CALENDAR, I

  • HAVE SOMETHING ON HERE YOU DON'T: A FUTURE."

  • EVEN MORE FORCEFULLY, KEMP'S OFFICE SLAPPED THE PRESIDENT

  • DOWN WITH A STATEMENT SAYING "GEORGIA LAW PROHIBITS THE

  • GOVERNOR FROM INTERFERING IN ELECTIONS."

  • AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.

  • NOT MUCH IS PROHIBITED BY GEORGIA LAW.

  • THEY LET YOU MARRY A GUN AS LONG AS IT'S 16.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S ATTACK ON GEORGIA'S ELECTION INTEGRITY IS

  • A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IN ABOUT A MONTH, THE STATE IS HOLDING TWO

  • COUNT THEM, TWO-- RUNOFFS THAT WILL DETERMINE

  • WHICH PARTY CONTROLS THE SENATE.

  • AND THE PRESIDENT WANTS KEMP TO PRE-OVERTURN THOSE RUNOFFS, TOO,

  • TWEETING TODAY, "DO SOMETHING @BRIANKEMPGA.

  • YOU ALLOWED YOUR STATE TO BE SCAMMED.

  • WE MUST CHECK SIGNATURES AND COUNT SIGNED ENVELOPES AGAINST

  • BALLOTS.

  • THEN CALL OFF ELECTION.

  • IT WON'T BE NEEDED.

  • WE WILL ALL WIN!

  • HE WANTS KEMP TO OVERTURN THE PREVIOUS ELECTION, WHICH A

  • REPUBLICAN LOST, SO HE CAN NOT HOLD A FUTURE ELECTION, WHICH,

  • BECAUSE IT WON'T HAPPEN, REPUBLICANS WILL WIN.

  • IT'S A MOBIUS STRIP OF VOTER SUPPRESSION, LIKE THAT

  • M.C. ESCHER DRAWING OF THE STAIRCASES REPUBLICANS INSTALLED

  • TO KEEP MINORITIES FROM REACHING THE POLLS.

  • REPUBLICANS ARE WORRIED THAT THE PRESIDENT QUESTIONING OUR ENTIRE

  • ELECTORAL SYSTEM COULD DEPRESS TURNOUT IN THE TWO RUNOFFS AND

  • COULD, THEREFORE, COST REPUBLICANS THE SENATE.

  • REPUBLICANS COULD END UP BEING DESTROYED BY THEIR OWN CREATION!

  • IT'S LIKE THE TALE OF DR. FRANKENSTEIN.

  • THEY'VE ALREADY GOT THE REANIMATED CORPSE!