I MEAN, IT'S THE SAME BAND, BUT NEW FOOT ANNUAL OF THE BAND.

IT LOOKS FAB TASK.

THAT'S GREAT.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S REAL.

WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

HAVE YOU MISSED ME?

I MISSED YOU.

HOW MANY DAYS WEREN'T WE DOING THE SHOW?

NO, ONE, ONE, BECAUSE WE DID THURSDAY'S SHOW-- WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT.

WE DID A THURSDAY SHOW, NO FRIDAY SHOW, THEN WE DID A

MONDAY SHOW.

ONE DAY, ONE DAY.

ALL WE NEEDED TO BE JUST READY AND REFRESHED.

HEY, HAPPY DECEMBER, EVERYBODY.

OR VERY LATE MARCH.

IT'S HARD TO TELL AT THIS POINT.

BUT IF IT IS DECEMBER 1st, I HAVE GO TO SAY, CHRISTMAS HAS

COME EARLY THIS YEAR, AS THE PRESIDENT CONTINUES TO SHOWER

US ALL WITH THE GIFT OF WATCHING HIM LOSE EVERY DAY, SOMETIMES

SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.

AND I'LL FILL YOU IN ON HIS LATEST RAMBLINGS IN TONIGHT'S

EDITION OF...

>> "LA-LA-LA!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE >> I DIDN'T FALL!"

>> Stephen: SUNDAY MORNING, THE PRESIDENT WENT ON FOX NEWS TO

TRADE LIES WITH FORMER JOURNALIST AND BIG-MOUTH BILLY

PUNDIT, MARIA BARTIROMO.

HERE'S THE THING: HE WAS UPSET THAT WHEN THE IN-PERSON VOTES

WERE COUNTED, HE WAS AHEAD, ON LEXINGTON DAY.

BUT THEN LATER, WHEN THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS WERE COUNTED, HE FELL

BEHIND.

BUT HE PUT IT IN MUCH MORE COLORFUL LANGUAGE.

>> THIS ELECTION WAS OVER, AND THEN THEY DID DUMPS.

THEY CALL THEM "DUMPS," BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.

>> Stephen: AND IF THERE'S ONE THING THIS PRESIDENT KNOWS, IT'S

BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.

HE'S TAKING ONE ON DEMOCRACY RIGHT NOW.

HE JUST CAN'T STAND THE FACT THAT HE'S NUMBER TWO.

THEN THE TEMPORARY PRESIDENT EXPLAINED THE STAKES OF THE

ELECTION THAT IS ALREADY OVER: >> IF I WASN'T HERE, ANTIFA

WOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.

THEY CLUB PEOPLE OVER THE HEADS WHEN NOBODY IS LOOKING, AND THEN

NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT.

IT'S A DISGRACE.

IT'S, ABSOLUTELY A DISGRACE.

AND IF I'M NOT HERE-- I'M SORT OF YOUR WALL.

>> Stephen: SO HE'S GONE FROM "BUILD THE WALL" TO "I AM

THE WALL".

WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THIS: HE IS DUMB AS A BRICK.

THEN THE PRESIDENT SPECULATED THAT THE CONSPIRACY THAT HE WAS

MAKING UP WAS COMING FROM INSIDE HIS OWN ADMINISTRATION.

>> THIS IS TOTAL FRAUD, AND HOW THE F.B.I. AND DEPARTMENT OF

JUSTICE-- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THEY'VE INVOLVED-- BUT HOW

PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH THIS STUFF IS UNBELIEVABLE.

>> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, THE PRESIDENT IS IMPLICATING THE

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IN A CONSPIRACY WITH BIDEN, AND I

THINK VENEZUELA, TO COMMIT ELECTORAL FRAUD.

NOW, YOU'D THINK THE D.O.J.

WOULD WANT TO RESPOND, AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT, BECAUSE TODAY,

WE HEARD FROM ATTORNEY GENERAL AND THE MAN EXPLAINING THE FRIES

WERE NOT FOR THE WHOLE TABLE, BILL BARR.

THIS AFTERNOON, GENERAL BARR TOLD THE ASSOCIATED PRESS THAT

THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAS NOT UNCOVERED EVIDENCE OF WIDESPREAD

VOTER FRAUD THAT WOULD CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF THE 2020

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

HE WILL BE MISSED.

IN FACT, BARR WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO DISCREDIT ONE INSANE

CLAIM THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAVE BEEN PUSHING ABOUT

A VENEZUELAN VOTING SYSTEM BEING PROGRAMMED TO GIVE THE ELECTION

TO BIDEN, SAYING, "THERE'S BEEN ONE ASSERTION THAT WOULD BE THE

CLAIM THAT MACHINES WERE PROGRAMMED TO SKEW THE ELECTION

RESULTS.

AND D.H.S. AND D.O.J. HAVE LOOKED INTO THAT, AND SO FAR, WE

HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING TO SUBSTANTIATE THAT."

ADDING, "TO DATE, WE HAVE NOT SEEN FRAUD ON A SCALE THAT COULD

HAVE AFFECTED A DIFFERENT OUTCOME IN THE ELECTION."

FRAUD ON A SCALE-- ALSO KNOWN AS THE PRESIDENT'S ANNUAL PHYSICAL.

THE PRESIDENT'S CHANCES OF OVERTURNING THE RESULTS WERE

ALWAYS NEXT TO ZERO, BUT THOSE CHANCES JUST MOVED TO DOWNTOWN

ZERO-TOWN, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, ARIZONA AND WISCONSIN CERTIFIED

BIDEN'S WIN, WHICH MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS FAILED TO STOP

THE VOTE CERTIFICATION IN ALL SIX STATES WHERE HE CONTESTED

HIS DEFEAT.

SO THAT'S 0 AND 6 IN THE CERTIFICATIONS, AND 0 AND 3 IN

RECOUNTS, AND HE HASN'T WON A SINGLE FRAUD CASE.

HE IS UNDEFEATED AT LOSING!

HE IS THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF PLAYING BASEBALL!

AMONG THE LOSINGS, IN WISCONSIN, THE PRESIDENT PAID $3 MILLION

FOR AWE PARTIAL RECOUNT OF THAT ELECTION, WHICH ENDED UP ADDING

87 VOTES TO THE STATEWIDE MARGIN FOR... DRUMMED ROLE, PLEASE.

JOE BIDEN!

OH, MY GOD.

HE JUST KEEPS MAKING IT WORSE.

IT'S LIKE A GUY AT A CUSTODY HEARING SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, MY

WIFE HAS MADE ME SEEM LIKE A DELINQUENT FATHER AND TERRIBLE

GAMBLER, BUT HOW WOULD SHE KNOW ANY OF THAT?

I'M NEVER AROUND.

I'M ALWAYS AT THE CASINO!

BY THE WAY, I'M PUTTIN' FIFTY BUCKS ON HER WINNING THIS

CASE."

WHO'S GOT IT?

WHO'S TAKING IT?

SO WISCONSIN IS A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT FOR THE PRESIDENT,

BUT IF IT HELPS, ARIZONA IS WORSE.

REMINDER: THE COPPER STATE HAS A REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, DOUG DUCEY,

WHO IS SO LOYAL TO THE PRESIDENT THAT HE ONCE SAID THAT HE

CHANGED THE RINGTONE ON HIS PHONE FOR WHEN THE WHITE HOUSE

CALLS TO "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" SO HE WOULDN'T MISS A CALL FROM THE

PRESIDENT OR PENCE.

OF COURSE, ON JANUARY 20, HE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE IT TO THIS:

( BECK'S "I'M A LOSER BABY" PLAYING )

DUCEY WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SIGNING THE ARIZONA VOTE

CERTIFICATION WHICH MICROPHONES PICKED THIS UP.

( PHONE PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF")

THE PRESIDENT CALLED HIM WHILE HE WAS SIGNING, AND THE

GOVERNMENT SENT HIM STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL.

THAT IS A GUY WHO'S PICKED UP THAT PHONE ONCE TOO OFTEN.

"YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU TOLD ME.

MASSIVE DUMPS, RIGHT.

LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.

ARIZONA IS GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL.

CHHHHHHH."

DUCEY'S NOT ALONE.

THE PRESIDENT IS ALSO TARGETTING GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN

TEACHING HIMSELF TO SMILE FROM ONLINE VIDEOS, BRIAN KEMP.

KEMP CERTIFIED THE PRESIDENT'S LOSS IN GEORGIA, WHICH ENRAGED

POTUS.

EARLIER LAST MONTH, HE SAT WITH ADVISERS AND PLOTTED OUT A CALL

TO SCREAM AT KEMP.

YES, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A DETAILED PLAN FOR ALL YOUR

IMPORTANT SCREAMING.

YOU CAN'T JUST WING IT.

IT'S NOT A PANDEMIC.

AND WHEN HE GOT THE GOVERNOR ON THE PHONE, THE PRESIDENT URGED

KEMP TO DO MORE TO FIGHT FOR HIM IN GEORGIA, PUBLICLY ECHO HIS

CLAIMS OF FRAUD, AND APPEAR MORE REGULARLY ON TELEVISION.

IN RESPONSE, KEMP WAS NONCOMMITTAL.

WOW, HOW DID THAT GO?

"THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT JUST LOOKING AHEAD ON MY CALENDAR, I

HAVE SOMETHING ON HERE YOU DON'T: A FUTURE."

EVEN MORE FORCEFULLY, KEMP'S OFFICE SLAPPED THE PRESIDENT

DOWN WITH A STATEMENT SAYING "GEORGIA LAW PROHIBITS THE

GOVERNOR FROM INTERFERING IN ELECTIONS."

AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.

NOT MUCH IS PROHIBITED BY GEORGIA LAW.

THEY LET YOU MARRY A GUN AS LONG AS IT'S 16.

THE PRESIDENT'S ATTACK ON GEORGIA'S ELECTION INTEGRITY IS

A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IN ABOUT A MONTH, THE STATE IS HOLDING TWO

COUNT THEM, TWO-- RUNOFFS THAT WILL DETERMINE

WHICH PARTY CONTROLS THE SENATE.

AND THE PRESIDENT WANTS KEMP TO PRE-OVERTURN THOSE RUNOFFS, TOO,

TWEETING TODAY, "DO SOMETHING @BRIANKEMPGA.

YOU ALLOWED YOUR STATE TO BE SCAMMED.

WE MUST CHECK SIGNATURES AND COUNT SIGNED ENVELOPES AGAINST

BALLOTS.

THEN CALL OFF ELECTION.

IT WON'T BE NEEDED.

WE WILL ALL WIN!

HE WANTS KEMP TO OVERTURN THE PREVIOUS ELECTION, WHICH A

REPUBLICAN LOST, SO HE CAN NOT HOLD A FUTURE ELECTION, WHICH,

BECAUSE IT WON'T HAPPEN, REPUBLICANS WILL WIN.

IT'S A MOBIUS STRIP OF VOTER SUPPRESSION, LIKE THAT

M.C. ESCHER DRAWING OF THE STAIRCASES REPUBLICANS INSTALLED

TO KEEP MINORITIES FROM REACHING THE POLLS.

REPUBLICANS ARE WORRIED THAT THE PRESIDENT QUESTIONING OUR ENTIRE

ELECTORAL SYSTEM COULD DEPRESS TURNOUT IN THE TWO RUNOFFS AND

COULD, THEREFORE, COST REPUBLICANS THE SENATE.

REPUBLICANS COULD END UP BEING DESTROYED BY THEIR OWN CREATION!

IT'S LIKE THE TALE OF DR. FRANKENSTEIN.

THEY'VE ALREADY GOT THE REANIMATED CORPSE!

IN FACT, SOME GEORGIA REPUBLICANS ARE CALLING FOR A

BOYCOTT OF THE SENATE ELECTIONS.

YES, THANKS TO THE PRESIDENT'S LIES, REPUBLICANS COULD SIT OUT

THE GEORGIA RUNOFFS AND HAND THE SENATE TO DEMOCRATS.

NO SURPRISE.

EVENTUALLY, THE PRESIDENT ALWAYS EATS HIS OWN, WHICH IS WHAT'S

WHISPERED TO HAVE HAPPENED TO HIS HIDEOUS SIXTH CHILD,

DERC-RANKA.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY THOSE WORDS WHILE LOOKING AT THAT

PHOTO.

AND IT'S HAPPENING.

IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING.

THERE WAS A CAMPAIGN EVENT HELD THIS WEEKEND BY R.N.C. CHAIR AND

PRISON GUARD ON DATE NIGHT, RONNA ROMNEY McDANIEL.

McDANIEL WAS THERE TO GET OUT THE VOTE, BUT ONE WOMAN SAID,

GIVEN THE PRESIDENT'S CLAIMS OF VAST VOTER FRAUD, WHAT'S THE

POINT?

>> HOW ARE WE GONNA MISS MONEY AND WORK WHEN IT'S ALREADY

DECIDED?

>> IT'S NOT DECIDED, THIS IS THE KEY--

>> HOW DO WE KNOW?

>> IT'S NOT DECIDED.

>> Stephen: OKAY, SO HIS VOTERS HAVE FINALLY STARTED FOLLOWING

THE LOGIC.

"WAIT A SECOND.

IF THE ELECTION IS RIGGED, WHY SHOULD I DONATE?

WHY SHOULD I EVEN VOTE?

WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S ONE THING I CAN ALWAYS BELIEVE IN:

WINDMILLS GIVE YOU CANCER."

DESPITE THE SOON-TO-BE-EX-PRESIDENT'S BEST

EFFORTS, WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT-ELECT, AND JOE BIDEN

HAS MADE IT CLEAR HE WANTS TO HIT THE GROUND RUNNING.

BUT THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE HARDER NOW, BECAUSE THIS

WEEKEND, JOE BIDEN BROKE HIS FOOT WHILE PLAYING WITH HIS DOG

MAJOR.

I'M GLAD IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS, BUT HOW DO YOU BREAK YOUR FOOT

WHILE PLAYING WITH YOUR DOG?

SOMEONE, PLEASE TELL HIM THAT YOU THROW THE STICK AND THE DOG

CHASES IT.

BIDEN RECEIVED MEDICAL CARE IMMEDIATELY, AND THE SCAN

REVEALED TWO TINY FRACTURES OF TWO SMALL BONES IN THE MIDDLE OF

HIS RIGHT FOOT THAT APPEAR TO BE RELATIVELY MILD.

THAT'S RIGHT, JOE BIDEN IS MODERATE TO THE BONE.

JOE'S DOING FINE, BUT HIS FOOT IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO

HEAL, SO FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, HE WILL NEED A WALKING BOOT.

( AS BIDEN ) "THAT'S RIGHT, JACK!

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING, AND THAT'S JUST WHAT

THEY'LL DO.

IN FOUR TO SIX WEEKS.

I'M 78.

MY BONES ARE AS HOLLOW AND LIGHT AS RICE KRISPIES!

SNAP, CRACKLE, POP, JACK!

C'MON!" I WON!

HAVE I DONE THAT ALREADY?

THE PRESIDENT-ELECT OFFICIALLY INTRODUCED HIS ECONOMIC TEAM

TODAY, INCLUDING HIS PICK FOR TREASURY SECRETARY,

FORMER FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIR AND DRACULA'S NANA, JANET YELLEN.

IF CONFIRMED, YELLEN WOULD BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO HEAD THE

TREASURY DEPARTMENT.

FINALLY BREAKING THE CASH CEILING.

TWO YEARS AGO, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT REPLACED HER AT THE

FEDERAL RESERVE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YELLEN WAS TOO SHORT

TO BE FED CHAIR.

HE EVEN PUT A SIGN OUT FRONT: "YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO

MODERATE LONG-TERM INTEREST RATES."

NOW, LIKE I SAID, IT'S DECEMBER, AND THAT MEANS THAT

CHRISTMAS IS IN THE AIR.

IT SPREADS THROUGH AEROSOLIZED PARTICLES.

ONE PERSON SHOWING HER TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IS FIRST LADY

AND EVITA ASKING ARGENTINA TO CRY A LITTLE HARD FOR HER,

MELANIA TRUMP.

ON TWITTER YESTERDAY, THE FIRST LADY UNVEILED THIS YEAR'S WHITE

HOUSE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, AND IN A DEPARTURE FROM PREVIOUS

YEARS, THE THEME WAS "CHRISTMAS!"

IT'S A CHEERY TWIST ON 2018'S "YULETIDE OF BLOOD," AND EVEN