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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to

  • "The Tonight Show," everybody! We are here!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Ready to make you laugh!

  • Thank you for watching.

  • Thank you for being here, everybody.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, Thanksgiving is behind us,

  • but today was another very big day.

  • -It's Cyber Monday, guys. -It is Cyber Monday.

  • -Record Cyber Monday sales. -Cyber Monday is on track

  • to be the biggest online sales day in history,

  • with shoppers shelling out up to $12.7 billion today.

  • -Yep, today, Americans spent billions shopping online,

  • or as that's known in 2020, every day.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, the whole year has been Cyber Monday.

  • At this point, all UPS guys are built like Dwayne Johnson.

  • "Where do you want this couch?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • There's deals on everything. There's nose-hair trimmers,

  • scuba equipment, lingerie, and, right now,

  • there's an Amazon worker loading them all into the same box,

  • going, "What is your life?" [ Laughter ]

  • I saw that the jewelry store Jared was offering

  • up to 50% off storewide.

  • Though it's kind of weird telling your girlfriend,

  • "He went to Jared -- on Cyber Monday."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some political news. On Sunday morning,

  • President Trump did his first post-election TV interview

  • with Maria Bartiromo on Fox News.

  • It lasted 46 minutes, and I'm getting the sense

  • he's not quite over the election.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Mr. President, thank you very much for being here.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Even the biggest Trump supporters were like,

  • "Maybe we should let Rudy Giuliani

  • talk about this instead.

  • He's been handling this pretty well."

  • [ Imitating droplets splashing ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Hey.

  • -It started as a conspiracy theory

  • about election fraud and turned into a commercial

  • for the Squatty Potty. [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, I was worried that the end of Trump's presidency

  • might get embarrassing, but at least he's

  • only on national TV saying, "Big massive dumps."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, at the White House today,

  • Melania Trump unveiled the Christmas --

  • the official Christmas decorations.

  • Take a look.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ] -Why do they keep putting

  • Melania in charge of the Christmas decorations?

  • We know she doesn't like doing it.

  • Do you want to hear the leaked audio again?

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

  • Don't put Melania in charge if she doesn't want to do it!

  • [ Applause ]

  • Make it fun!

  • Put Rudy Giuliani in charge of this.

  • He'll have a Santa leaking eggnog from his side burns.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Put Jared Kushner on the shelf, change his position every day.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Melania made him have two middle fingers.

  • Have Mike Pence do it. He's so white,

  • he's just a top hat and a pipe away from being the new Frosty.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this year's gingerbread White House is incredible.

  • It features more than 400 pounds of dough

  • and a gingerbread man who refuses to leave.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump must love the decorations,

  • because he's used a tiny gingerbread Oval Office desk

  • in his last press conference.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Did you see that? What is he doing?

  • Is that a desk? Or is that the tiny table

  • that separates the pizza from the box?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And here's some news about the President-elect.

  • Over the weekend, Joe Biden ran into

  • a little trouble while playing with his dog.

  • Listen to this. -The President-elect,

  • he spent Sunday night at the doctor's office

  • after twisting his ankle playing with his dog.

  • Biden's doctor says, after a CT scan,

  • he ended up with hairline fractures in his right foot.

  • He'll probably have to be in a boot for a little while.

  • -Biden was like, "Ah, it's no big deal.

  • I've been dealing with a fractured hairline for years."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When the news broke, Kamala Harris was stretching

  • in the bullpen like, "I guess I'm getting in the game

  • sooner than I thought." [ Laughter ]

  • "Ooh! Let's go." I feel bad for Biden, though.

  • Nobody wants to start a new job in a walking boot.

  • It's hard to act tough with China when you have to

  • leave a press conference on one of those knee scooters.

  • [ Laughter ] [ Bell ringing ]

  • I couldn't -- I don't know how to make the space work work.

  • You know, those things. [ Bell ringing ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Bell ringing continues ] No, okay.

  • Hey, here's a big -- a big sp-- Here's a burg?

  • Here's a burg. Here's a burger for you.

  • Who else wants a burger? -A burger, I want a burger.

  • -Anybody else want a burger? -Give me a burger.

  • -Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, no problem.

  • Oh, here's a big sports story for you here.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You love sports, don't you, Tariq?

  • -Uh, pretty much no. [ Laughter ]

  • -Well, here's one for you. The Denver Broncos had to face

  • the New Orleans Saints without any of their quarterbacks.

  • Watch this.

  • -In Denver, practice squad receiver Kendall Hinton

  • got the start for the Broncos

  • after all of the team's quarterbacks

  • were disqualified over coronavirus concerns.

  • -The Broncos lost, 31-3.

  • Hinton completed just one pass, overall.

  • -Oh, man. [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, the NFL saw the Oscars go without a host and said,

  • "We can top that." [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, the Broncos played without a quarterback and lost, 31-3.

  • Even more upsetting, the Jets had their starting quarterback

  • and still lost just as bad. [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this. Tecate beer,

  • which is made in Holland -- Did you know that?

  • -Yeah. -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It is made in Holland, so it's now facing a lawsuit

  • for posing as a Mexican beer.

  • Tough year for fans of Mexican beer.

  • You got fake Tecate or you got Corona.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some entertainment news. I saw that Netflix

  • is being pressured by the British government

  • to put a disclaimer on "The Crown,"

  • saying that it's fictional. Yeah.

  • They also want everyone to know that Helena Bonham Carter

  • is not actually the Queen's sister.

  • She's an actress.

  • And also, you see those credits you see rolling at the end?

  • Doesn't happen in real life. [ Laughter ]

  • It's what they call a TV show.

  • I don't know what to make of this.

  • In a new interview, George Clooney revealed

  • some interesting information about how he cuts his hair.

  • Watch this.

  • -I've been cutting my own hair for 25 years.

  • So, years ago, I bought a -- a thing called a Flowbee.

  • It comes with a vacuum cleaner and the clippers?

  • -Yes! -Yeah. I still have it.

  • My haircuts take literally two minutes.

  • I go -- -Is this -- Is this Flowbee?

  • -Yeah, it's Flowbee.

  • [ Laughter ] -What?

  • -No. -No.

  • -If you think that's crazy,

  • I heard he manscapes with a Slap Chop.

  • [ Laughter ] That's what I heard.

  • And, finally, I saw that Oreo is now selling

  • a cookie-scented candle on their Website.

  • I'm already excited for tomorrow's headline --

  • "Florida man rushed to ER after eating lit candle."

  • Happy Thanksgiving.

  • I hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving.

  • Did you -- Did you -- Did you spatchcock?

  • -I did. -You did?

  • -Yeah. -How did it turn out?

  • -Best turkey I've ever made, man.

  • -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -I mean, yeah.

  • -Because you've talked the talk before.

  • -I have, but I walk the walk, as well.

  • -Yeah, but usually you spatchcock

  • and then you throw it on the grill.

  • -Yeah, but -- Yeah, I didn't grill this time.

  • Well, I spatchcocked it, I put it on the grill,

  • but just the oven grill. Like not outside, like on the --

  • -Yeah, on the barbecue grill. -Yeah, no.

  • -But is it better than that, even?

  • -Better. Better than anything ever.

  • -Spatchcock is the -- You butterfly the turkey.

  • -Yeah. -Yeah, you take the backbone.

  • -I just told you that Thursday, right?

  • -No, last year, you told me. -Oh, yeah.

  • -Yeah, yeah, I mean -- Whatever.

  • I don't really pay attention to you.

  • [ Laughter ] When -- When --

  • The night I texted --

  • My assistant reads me the texts that you send.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, you told me you were the doing that,

  • but I was like, "Oh, did you really do it?"

  • You went for it. -Yeah. It was awesome.

  • -Yeah. It was a -- it was a fun Thanksgiving, I think, for us.

  • I mean, we got invited to do the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  • We got invited to -- oh. Yeah.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Which is an honor just to even be invited there.

  • But then we got asked to open

  • the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,

  • which is unbelievable. We were so excited about that.

  • We got -- I got here around 6:40, 6:30, something like that.

  • And it was raining cats and dogs.

  • I go, "Oh, man."

  • Already, the idea of pulling off a parade is tough.

  • But to do it during a rain is just gonna be insane.

  • But we got there. They did a great job --

  • NBC, also New York City did a great job.

  • Thank you, Bill de Blasio,

  • for even letting it happen and do it.

  • It made a lot of people happy. So, we were in the Macy's --

  • Actually in the department store for the first time.

  • -Yeah. -That was our holding --

  • -That was our dressing room. -It was so bizarre.

  • Our dressing room was in Macy's.

  • It was all dolled up for Christmas and all that stuff.

  • And we were practicing the dancing.

  • It was like, "Oh, my gosh."

  • And we got to perform live, which we never get to do.

  • -Yeah. -Because if you're on the float,

  • there's no way you can mic those things,

  • so you have to, like, lip-sync to a track.

  • Which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.

  • There was one year, it was so cold,

  • I couldn't even move my lips. -Yeah, wow.

  • -It was like -- yeah. But it was wild.

  • And again, I want to thank our choreographer, Sarah O'Gleby,

  • who always is just -- [ Cheers and applause ]

  • She is so talented.

  • And made it so fun. I love that.

  • It was -- It was definitely a memorable Thanksgiving.

  • But happy we got to do that

  • and make a lot of people laugh and smile.

  • But another thing happened on Thanksgiving --

  • the dog show, the national dog show.

  • -Mm. -Yeah. You watch that?

  • -Of course. -Yeah, of course.

  • There was a very interesting dog there.

  • Check this out.

  • -Here's the Miniature American Shepherd.

  • This dog is named Love that Jimmy Fallon.

  • Said they named him Jimmy because of his high energy

  • and goofy personality. There you go, Jimmy.

  • [ Laughter ] -Wait. What?

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That's real? -That's real.

  • -What's up with --

  • -"Love that Jimmy Fallon" was the name of that dog.

  • -Yeah, man, he's got a goofy personality, so...

  • [ Laughter ] What else you gonna call him?