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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • AND TONIGHT IS A VERY SPECIAL "A LATE SHOW."

  • YOU MAY REMEMBER LAST WEEK, WHEN I SAT DOWN WITH MY CLOSE

  • PERSONAL FRIEND BARACK, AS HE HAS ASKED ME NOT TO CALL HIM,

  • PRESIDENT OBAMA.

  • WELL, IT TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT AND I HAD SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT,

  • WE ACTUALLY COULDN'T FIT IT ALL IN ONE SHOW.

  • I MEAN, WE COULD HAVE, BUT THAT WOULD HAVE MEANT MORE TIME WITH

  • AN AMERICAN ICON, AND FEWER COMMERCIALS FOR NASAL

  • DECONGESTANT-- AND OBVIOUSLY NO ONE WANTS THAT.

  • SO IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF THIS POST-THANKSGIVING SEASON,

  • TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO SERVE UP SOME DELICIOUS LEFTOVERS, IN

  • WHAT I'M CALLING "A LATE SHOW'S CHOCK-A-BLOCK-A-BARACK

  • OBAMA-RAMA EXTRAVAGAMA!" AS YOU KNOW, THE FORMER

  • PRESIDENT HAS BEEN MAKING THE ROUNDS RECENTLY TO PROMOTE HIS

  • NEW BOOK, "A PROMISED LAND."

  • IT'S THE STORY OF BARACK OBAMA'S FIRST 27 MONTHS AS PRESIDENT,

  • AND, AT ALMOST 800 PAGES, IT WILL TAKE MOST PEOPLE 27 MONTHS

  • TO FINISH.

  • IT'S THE FIRST MEMOIR MEANT TO BE READ IN REAL-TIME.

  • MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT "A PROMISED LAND" IS THAT, JUST

  • LIKE MOST BOOKS, ON THE DUST JACKET, IT'S GOT A LITTLE AUTHOR

  • BIO: "BARACK OBAMA WAS THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

  • ELECTED IN NOVEMBER OF 2008," ETC, ETC.

  • WHO IS THAT FOR, EXACTLY?

  • WHO PICKS UP THIS BOOK WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WROTE IT?

  • "LET'S SEE, I'M A BIG FAN OF PROMISES, AND I'M A LAND

  • MAMMAL... LET ME FIND OUT WHO THIS 'BARACK OBAMA' GUY IS."

  • "A PROMISED LAND" HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING.

  • PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS IT TOOK HIM TWO AND A HALF YEARS LONGER THAN

  • EXPECTED TO FINISH.

  • NOT SURPRISING.

  • IF HE DICTATED IT, THE PAUSES WOULD EAT UP BIG CHUNK OF THAT.

  • THIS BOOK IS ALREADY A HUGE DEAL, SELLING A RECORD-BREAKING

  • 1.7 MILLION COPIES IN THE FIRST WEEK.

  • IN FACT, DEMAND FOR "A PROMISED LAND" IN AMERICA WAS SO HIGH

  • THAT THE INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHER HAS PRINTED 1.5 MILLION COPIES

  • IN GERMANY TO BRING OVER ON CARGO SHIPS.

  • BUT I'M ASSURED CUSTOMERS WON'T NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

  • THE AMERICAN VERSION AND THE GERMAN ONE.

  • AND IF YOU'RE HAPPY TO SEE OBAMA BACK IN THE SPOTLIGHT

  • AGAIN, YOU'RE NOT ALONE: INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORES IN

  • PARTICULAR ARE REPORTING UNPRECEDENTED FIRST-DAY SALES,

  • WHICH COULD PROVE CRUCIAL IN RECOVERING SOME OF THE LOSSES

  • SUFFERED DURING THE SHUTDOWN.

  • HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS MAN NEED TO SAVE THE ECONOMY?

  • HE PROPPED UP THE AUTO INDUSTRY, NOW PUBLISHING, AND NEXT WEEK,

  • HE'S BRINGING BACK AMERICA'S SHOPPING MALLS BY GETTING HIS

  • EARS PIERCED AT CLAIRE'S.

  • OBAMA IS A DEMOCRAT, BUT IN HIS EARLY YEARS, HE DID FLIRT WITH

  • OTHER POLITICAL IDEOLOGIES.

  • AND I DO MEAN "FLIRT."

  • AS HE SAYS IN HIS BOOK, A PERFORMATIVE INTEREST IN THE

  • WRITINGS OF POLITICAL PHILOSOPHERS LIKE KARL MARX AND

  • FRANTZ FANON GAVE HIM SOMETHING TO SAY TO THE LONG-LEGGED

  • SOCIALIST WHO LIVED IN HIS DORM AND THE ETHEREAL BISEXUAL WHO

  • WORE MOSTLY BLACK.

  • OH, YEAH, NOTHING GETS THE LADIES GOING LIKE MARXISM.

  • (FLIRTY) "HEY, BABY, ARE YOU RELIGION?

  • BECAUSE YOU'RE THE OPIATE OF MY MASSES.

  • LET'S MAKE LIKE THE PROLETARIAT AND SEIZE EACH OTHER'S MEANS OF

  • PRODUCTION."

  • OBAMA ALSO REVEALS WHO HAD THE FINAL SAY ON ONE OF HIS MOST

  • ICONIC SLOGANS.

  • HE WAS PITCHED A CAMPAIGN AD WHERE HE LOOKED INTO THE CAMERA

  • AND SAID "YES WE CAN."

  • OBAMA SAYS "I THOUGHT IT WAS CORNY, BUT THE DIRECTOR SHOWED

  • IT TO MICHELLE, WHO DEEMED IT 'NOT CORNY AT ALL'."

  • THANK GOODNESS MICHELLE OBAMA TOLD HIM NOT TO PLAY IT SO COOL!

  • OTHERWISE WE WOULD'VE BEEN STUCK WITH POSTERS THAT SAID "HOPE, OR

  • WHATEVER, NO BIG DEAL."

  • NOW THAT THE BOOK IS ON THE SHELVES, OBAMA IS NOT RESTING ON

  • HIS LAURELS.

  • HE AND THE FORMER FIRST LADY HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY'LL BE

  • PRODUCING A NETFLIX SKETCH COMEDY SERIES ABOUT THE

  • TRANSITION CHAOS FROM HIS ADMINISTRATION TO NUMBER 45.

  • A NETFLIX SHOW ABOUT TAKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE FROM OBAMA?

  • PLEASE CALL IT "ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK."

  • BUT YOU'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF ME TALKING ABOUT BARACK OBAMA.

  • LET'S CHANGE THINGS UP AND WATCH ME TALKING TO BARACK OBAMA.

  • JIM?

  • >> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING DOWN.

  • YOU NEEDED A CHANGE IN VENUE.

  • >> Stephen: I GOT NOTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO SEA YA.

  • >> Stephen: NICE TO TEE ZE YOU, TOO.

  • >> HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

  • YOU LOOK WELL.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • YOU LOOK WELL, TOO.

  • >> THAT'S AN EXCEPTIONALLY NICE SUIT.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • DO YOU NOT OWN A TIE?

  • >> I DON'T BELIEVE IN TIES ANYMORE.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • FUNERALS AND WEDDINGS, THE ONLY TIME YOU'RE GOING TO SEE ME

  • IN A TIE.

  • >> Stephen: NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER THE PRESIDENT OF THE

  • UNITED STATES, DO I STILL HAVE TO BE DIGNIFIED AROUND YOU?

  • >> NO.

  • YOU WEREN'T DIGNIFIED PREVI PREVIOUSLY.

  • >> AFTER EIGHT MONTHS, MY BODY IS NO LONGER SUIT SPAIPPED

  • SHAPED.

  • >> LISTEN, YOU LOOK GOOD IN YOUR SOUGHT, YOU SHAVED, SHOES

  • POLISHED.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • >> I THINK SHE JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU UPGRADED A LITTLE BIT.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK SO, TOO.

  • BY THE WAY, I AM ENJOYING "A PROMISED LAND."

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: YOU WRITE IN THE BOOK THAT ONE OF THE THINGS YOU

  • NOTICE ABOUT BECOMING PRESIDENT IS NO ONE EVER CALLS YOU BY YOUR

  • FIRST NAME AGAIN.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS, BUT I'VE

  • SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH YOUR LIFE.

  • TRAVELED TO LONDON TOGETHER AND INTERVIEWED FOR HER BOOK IN

  • NASHVILLE, SE GAVE ME A CAKE ON MY BIRTHDAY, DANCED FOR MY

  • BIRTHDAY.

  • SHE ACTUALLY GOT AN EMAIL FROM ONE OF HER ASSISTANTS SAYING SHE

  • IS DONE WITH ME CALLING HER MADAM FIRST LADY AND I AM TO

  • CALL HER MICHELLE IN SO UNCERTAIN TERMS AND I HAVE NOT

  • SEEN HER TO DO THAT YET, BUT I AM GOING TO GET THE COURAGE TO

  • DO THAT WHEN I SEE HER NEXT.

  • MR. PRESIDENT, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO ME?

  • >> NO.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT, I TAKE THAT BACK.

  • >> Stephen: I'M SORRY?

  • YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME MR. PRESIDENT, YOU CAN JUST CALL

  • ME PRESIDENT.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU.

  • >> ALL RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: ON BEHALF OF A LOT OF AMERICANS, I THINK I CAN SAY

  • WITH CONFIDENCE THAT WE'VE MISSED YOU.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: THESE LAST FOUR YEARS.

  • DID YOU MISS YOU?

  • DID YOU EVER LOOK AT SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE NEWS AND GO, YOU

  • KNOW WHAT THIS SITUATION NEEDS?

  • BARACK OBAMA.

  • >> (LAUGHING) I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE, PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME,

  • KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD A THIRD TERM?

  • AND I USED TO SAY, IF I COULD MAKE AN ARRANGEMENT WHERE I HAD

  • A STAND-IN, A FRONT-MAN OR FRONT-WOMAN AND THEY HAD AN EAR

  • PIECE IN AND I WAS IN MY BASEMENT OR SWEATS LOOKING

  • THROUGH THE STUFF AND I COULD DELIVER THE LINES, BUT SOMEBODY

  • ELSE WAS DOING ALL THE TALKING AND CEREMONY, I WOULD BE FINE

  • WITH THAT BECAUSE I FOUND THE WORK FASCINATING.

  • I MEAN, I WRITE ABOUT THE -- EVEN ON MY WORST DAYS, I FOUND

  • PUZZLING OUT, YOU KNOW, THESE BIG, COMPLICATED, DIFFICULT

  • ISSUES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE WORKING WITH SOME GREAT PEOPLE,

  • TO BE PROFESSIONALLY REALLY SATISFYING.

  • BUT I DO NOT MISS HAVING TO WEAR A TIE EVERY DAY.

  • >> Stephen: ARE THERE ASPECTS OF THE JOB -- BECAUSE WE FOUND

  • OUT FROM YOUR SUCCESSOR THAT THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF

  • YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO AND PEOPLE STILL LOOK AT YOU AS PRESIDENT.

  • ARE THERE A FEW THINGS YOU CHUCKED OUT AND YOU WENT, OH, IF

  • ONLY I HAD KNOWN I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT?

  • >> I THINK THERE WAS A LOT.

  • >> Stephen: RESPOND TO SUBPOENAS?

  • >> FOLLOW THE CONSTITUTION.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S A GRAYING DRAG.

  • THAT CONSTITUTION IS A DRAG.

  • YOU SAY YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS BOOK FOR YUM PEOPLE OF THE NEXT

  • GENERATION.

  • YOU'RE 59, I'M 56.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US GEN XERES TO KNOW?

  • >> GET OUT OF THE WAY.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, BOOMER.

  • (LAUGHING) I WILL SAY I AM SO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT OUR KIDS, AND

  • THEY'RE SMARTER THAN WE WERE, THEY'RE MORE SOPHISTICATED,

  • THEY'RE KINDER, THEY'RE ENVIRONMENTALLY MORE CONSCIOUS,

  • THEY BELIEVED IN STUFF, AS I WRITE IN THE PREFACE, THAT MAYBE

  • WE GAVE LIP SERVICE TO BUT DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE OUT BECAUSE

  • IT REQUIRED SOME SACRIFICE AND YOU SEE THEM LIVING OUT THEIR

  • COMMITMENTS IN REALLY POWERFUL WAYS.

  • BUT WE HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE THEM THE CHANCE TO REMAKE

  • INSTITUTIONS AND CHANGE OLD HABITS.

  • SO THEY MAKE ME OPEN MYSTIC, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT WE

  • DON'T SCREW THINGS UP SO BAD THAT, BY THE TIME THEY'RE IN

  • CHARGE, THAT, YOU KNOW, IT BECOMES THAT MUCH HARDER.

  • >> Stephen: BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU LISTENED TO YOUR OWN AUDIO

  • BOOK OF THIS?

  • I KNOW YOU RECORDED IT.

  • >> I DID RECORD IT, SO I WAS LISTENING TO IT WHILE I WAS

  • READING.

  • >> I ENJOY THE AUDIO BOOK.

  • YOU CAN LISTEN TO YOUR AUDIO BOOK AT DOUBLE SPEED AND CAN'T

  • TELL IT'S GOING FASTER.

  • >> YOUR VOICE IS HIGHER ISN'T IT?

  • >> Stephen: NO, YOUR VOICE STAYS AT THE SAME LEVEL, JUST AS

  • NORMAL HUMAN TALKING SPEED.

  • OKAY.

  • >> (LAUGHING) WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT.

  • >> Stephen: HOLD THAT THAWVMENT BACK WITH MORE OF THE

  • 44th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

  • BARACK OBAMA.

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

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B1 stephen obama barack barack obama president promised land

Stephen Kicks Off A Late Show’s Obama-Rama Extravagama With A Special Obamalogue

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/01
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