WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

AND, FOLKS, I AM STILL RIDING A NATURAL HIGH OFF OF LAST NIGHT'S

INTERVIEW WITH BARACK OBAMA.

IT WAS SUBSTANTIVE, SILLY, AND SOMEBODY BROUGHT THE ROCK TO THE

RIM.

DOESN'T MATTER WHO HAD THE LIQUID GRACE OF A MID-'90s

JORDAN.

THE IMPORTANT THING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- THAT WAS

20 MINUTES OF INTERVIEW.

WE TALKED FOR 100 MINUTES.

THERE IS 80 MINUTES OF INTERVIEW JUST AS GOOD AS THAT, 35 MINUTES

OF WHICH WE WILL BE SHOWING ON ON'RE ON MONDAY?

ON MONDAY, FOR OUR EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL:

ON MONDAY, FOR OUR EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL:

THE OTHER 45 MINUTES WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ETCHED ONTO A GOLDEN

DISK, WHICH THEN WILL BE SHOT INTO SPACE SO FUTURE

CIVILIZATIONS WILL KNOW WHEN TELEVISION PEAKED OR PUT IT OUT

ON LIKE 45 TIKTOKS.

BUT THAT WAS LAST NIGHT.

AND, TODAY, THE PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE, THE

PRESIDENT-ELECT HAS BEGUN HIS TRANSITION, AND PEOPLE ARE BEING

ASKED TO CURTAIL THEIR THANKSGIVING PLANS BECAUSE THE

PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE.

SO I'M NOT GOING TO GET SHIEPY OBJECTS OUT THERE.

I'M GOING TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE STORY-- A WEIRD MONOLITH WAS

FOUND IN THE UTAH DESERT.

OOH, SHINY!

WHAT COULD IT MEAN?

IS IT ALIENS MAKING FIRST CONTACT?

IS IT A SITE-SPECIFIC ART INSTALLATION THAT EXAMINES THE

DYNAMIC TENSION BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE?

OR IS IT A REALLY POORLY INSTALLED STAINLESS STEEL

BACKSPLASH?

UTAH IS THE ULTIMATE OPEN-CONCEPT KITCHEN.

NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF SPECULATION ABOUT THIS MYSTERY

PLINTH, SO WE'RE GOING TO DIVE IN WITH OUR VERY FIRST

MONOLITH-THEMED MONOLOGUE, WHICH WE'RE CALLING

♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE MONO-LOGUE

>> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY A LONGER INTRO THAN THE SPECIAL

WITH OBAMA ON MONDAY.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: A CREW FROM THE UTAH DIVISION OF

WILDLIFE RESOURCES WAS SURVEYING THE AREA, COUNTING BIGHORN SHEEP

BY HELICOPTER.

INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS JOB: YOU HAVE TO FLY THE CHOPPER,

COUNT THE SHEEP, AND NOT FALL ASLEEP.

WE'VE LOST A LOT OF GOOD SHEEP COUNTERS THAT WAY.

THESE PEOPLE IN THE HELICOPTER, THEY NOTICED THE MONOLITH,

BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO ONE UTAH WILDLIFE SPOKESMAN, "WE FLY

PRETTY LOW FOR THESE SURVEYS SO WE CAN IDENTIFY THE GENDER OF

THE SHEEP."

HANG ON.

YEAH, OKAY, ALIEN MONOLITH, BUT...

YOU CAN TELL A SHEEP'S GENDER FROM A HELICOPTER?

NOW WE KNOW WHY THEY'RE CALLED "BIG HORN!"

( LAUGHTER ) AH!

THE CREW LANDED FOR A CLOSER INSPECTION.

HERE THEY ARE, DOING THIS FOR SOME REASON.

AND WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF MAN'S FIRST CONTACT WITH THE MONOLITH.

>> OKAY, THE INTREPID EXPLORERS GO DOWN TO INVESTIGATE THE ALIEN

LIFE FORM.

( LAUGHS ) >> SO, THEY'VE CUT IT IN.

>> THEY'VE CUT IT IN?

>> OKAY, WHO DOES THIS KIND OF STUFF?

( LAUGHS ) >> HOLD ON.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: WOW.

THAT IS ONE LOW-KEY REACTION TO POTENTIALLY DISCOVERING ALIEN

LIFE.

"HUH, WHAT'S THAT?

A TRACTOR BEAM PULLING ME UP TO THE BELLY OF THE SHIP?

WHAT IS THAT A PROBE IN YOUR HAND?

HA, WHAT IS THAT, A TRACTOR BEAM WHO DOES THAT KIND OF STUFF?

GARY, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?

WHOOPS, MY BONES ARE LIQUID NOW."

TH THERE ARE NON-ALIEN THEORIES AS

TO HOW THIS MONOLITH GOT TO A REMOTE REGION OF UTAH'S DESERT

THAT'S CLOSED OFF TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

SOME THINK IT COULD'VE BEEN A ROGUE ARTIST OR A LEFTOVER MOVIE

PROP.

ACCORDING TO ONE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY SPOKESMAN, THE

MONOLITH APPEARED TO BE MADE OF STAINLESS STEEL, PUT TOGETHER

"WITH HUMAN-MADE RIVETS."

OKAY, BUT RIDDLE ME THIS: WHAT HUMAN REFERS TO THEM AS

"HUMAN-MADE RIVETS?" WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT

SPOKESMAN, "NICK STREET?" CLEARLY A PANICKED GALACTIC

TRAVELER MAKING HIS NAME UP ON THE SPOT!

( ALIEN VOICE ) "MY NAME IS NICK...

STREET.

MY WIFE IS... HONDA...

MAILBOX.

SHE WEARS HUMAN-MADE SHOES."

WHAT MAKES THIS EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS IS THAT AUTHORITIES

POINT OUT "THERE ARE ROADS CLOSE BY, BUT TO HAUL THE MATERIALS TO

CUT INTO THE ROCK AND HAUL THE METAL-- WHICH IS TALLER THAN 12

FEET IN SECTIONS-- TO DO ALL THAT IN THAT REMOTE SPOT IS

DEFINITELY INTERESTING."

"INTERESTING"?

IT'S MORE THAN INTERESTING!

THIS IS THE FIRST 15 MINUTES OF A SCI-FI MOVIE.

NEXT, WE'RE GOING TO MEET THE ATTRACTIVE YOUNG GEOLOGIST

PLAYED BY ZENDAYA, WHO GETS SENT OUT THERE TO STUDY THE MONOLITH

WITH CURMUDGEONLY PROFESSOR PAUL GIAMATTI AND A RUGGED, DISTANT,

YET KIND METALLURGIST PLAYED BY CHRIS PINE.

LOOK, I ALREADY-- I ALREADY HAVE HALF OF IT WRITTEN!

CALL ME, MONOLITH!

BY THE WAY, THE MONOLITH IS PLAYED BY VIN DIESEL.

IN POST-ELECTION ELECTION NEWS, REALITY KEEPS MOVING FORWARD.

WITH THE ARROW OF TIME.

YESTERDAY, OFFICIALS IN BOTH PENNSYLVANIA AND NEVADA

CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THEIR STATES.

EVEN THE WHITE HOUSE SEEMS TO BE RECEIVING THE MESSAGE, BECAUSE

THEY OFFICIALLY SIGNED OFF ON JOE BIDEN GETTING THE

PRESIDENT'S DAILY BRIEF.

WELL THAT'S GOING TO BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE

FOR THE BRIEFERS TO GIVE A LIST OF NATIONAL SECURITY THREATS TO

A PRESIDENT WHO'S NOT ON IT.

BUT IT MIGHT BE TOUGH FOR BIDEN, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S DAILY

BRIEFING IS OFTEN TAILORED TO THE PRESIDENT CURRENTLY IN

OFFICE.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THE BRIEFING THAT WAS MADE FOR THE

CURRENT PRESIDENT: LET'S SEE THIS, JIM.

LET'S SEE, THIS ONE MEANS...

GREAT DANE-JER.

UN-REST IN EYE-RACK.

( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S FOR-- IT'S FOR THE PRESIDENT.

YOU GOT TO PUT THE BOOBS IN, OR HE WON'T PAY ATTENTION.

BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO ENJOY ABUSING HIS

OFFICE RIGHT UP UNTIL THE BITTER END, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, HE

TWEETED, "IT IS MY GREAT HONOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT GENERAL

MICHAEL T. FLYNN HAS BEEN GRANTED A FULL PARDON.

CONGRATULATIONS TO @GENFLYNN AND HIS WONDERFUL FAMILY.

I KNOW YOU WILL NOW HAVE A TRULY FANTASTIC THANKSGIVING!"

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

KIND OF SUSPICIOUS ABOUT YESTERDAY'S TURKEY PARDON.

BUT THANKSGIVING IS A PERFECT DAY TO PARDON FLYNN.

AFTER ALL, IT'S ALL ABOUT TURKEY-- THE COUNTRY HE WAS

BEING PAID TO REPRESENT SECRETLY WHILE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

WORKING FOR AMERICA.

STILL, IT'S IN KEEPING WITH TRADITION WITH THE FIRST

THANKSGIVING, WHEN THE PILGRIMS AND NATIVE AMERICANS CAME

TOGETHER IN HARMONY TO ESTABLISH A SECRET BACK-CHANNEL WITH THE

RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT TO THE F.B.I.

OR AS THEY CALLED IT, MAIZE.

THE PRESIDENT ISSUED THE PARDON DESPITE THE FACT THAT BACK IN

2017, HE TWEETED THIS: "I HAD TO FIRE GENERAL FLYNN

BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE F.B.I.

HE HAS PLED GUILTY TO THOSE LIES."

SURE, HE LIED TO THE F.B.I. AND PLEAD GUILTY TO IT, BUT CAN YOU

REALLY TRUST THAT CONFESSION?

THE GUY IS AN ADMITTED LIAR!

FLYNN HAD ILLEGAL CONVERSATIONS WITH THE RUSSIANS AND THEN LIED

TO THE F.B.I. ABOUT THEM.

TWO WRONGS MAY NOT MAKE A RIGHT, BUT THIS PRESIDENT IS DETERMINED

TO FIND OUT HOW MANY DO.

SO THE PRESIDENT IS CERTAINLY ACTING LIKE A GUY WHOSE DAYS ARE

NUMBERED, BUT HE HAS NOT CONCEDED.

I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST DETAILS OF THIS NEVER-CHANGING

STORY IN TONIGHT'S: >> GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

I SUSPECT FOWL PLAY!

GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

I'M PRESIDENT, AND THERE'S STUFFING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

GOBBLE, GOBBLE!" >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE

HOUSE!" >> Stephen: TODAY, THE PRESIDENT

WAS SUPPOSED TO ATTEND THE LATEST FRAUD-FEST STARRING

ALLEGED ATTORNEY AND PAGAN PRIEST SUMMONING THE NORSE GOD

OF DENTISTRY, RUDY GIULIANI.

GIULIANI WAS HOLDING AN EVENT WITH PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICAN

STATE SENATORS, BUT IT WASN'T AN OFFICIAL SENATE HEARING, BECAUSE

THEY WERE HOLDING IT AT A HOTEL, NOT AT THE STATE CAPITOL.

YEAH, IT'S NOT AN OFFICIAL EVENT.

IT WAS MORE OF A FRAUD-FAN CONVENTION.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED IT "ELECTION CON-CON."

THE PRESIDENT EXPRESSED STRONG INTEREST IN JOINING GIULIANI

FOR THE TRIP, HIS FIRST OUTSIDE OF THE WASHINGTON AREA SINCE

ELECTION DAY-- HIS FIRST, BUT NOT HIS LAST.

BUT THIS MORNING, AS EVERYONE WAS GETTING SET TO DEPART FOR

PENNSYLVANIA, THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT THE TRIP HAD BEEN

CANCELED, POSSIBLY BECAUSE AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE CLOSE TO

GIULIANI HAVE CONTRACTED COVID-19.

NOW, NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW THE STAFFERS GOT THE VIRUS.

POSSIBLY THEY CAUGHT IT FROM SOMEONE IN THE PRESIDENT'S INNER

CIRCLE.

OR IT IS POSSIBLE THEY GOT IT BECAUSE IT WAS THE WILL OF THE

MONOLITH!

NOW, DESPITE THE POSITIVE TEST, GIULIANI WENT TO PENNSYLVANIA

ANYWAY, AND DURING THE "HEARING," THE PRESIDENT CALLED

JENNA ELLIS, ONE OF THE OTHER LAWYERS, AND SHE HELD HIM UP TO

THE MIC: >> I REALLY APPRECIATE BEING

ASKED TO SPEAK, AND I'M IN THE OVAL OFFICE RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S

VERY INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING THE PRESIDENT HAS GIVEN UP ON THE

IDEA OF OVERTURNING THE ELECTION, BUT I WILL POINT OUT

HE IS LITERALLY PHONING IT IN.

AS I SAID, THIS IS OUR COUNTRY'S FIRST COVID THANKSGIVING, AND

THE EXPERTS ARE URGING US TO MAKE IT OUR SAFEST THANKSGIVING

EVER BY NOT GATHERING OR TRAVELING.

OR AS ONE CALIFORNIA OFFICIAL PUT IT: JUST SAY "NO" TO FAMILY

THANKSGIVING.

"JUST SAY NO"?

I WOULDN'T USE THE ANTI-DRUG SLOGAN.

NOW KIDS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE THANKSGIVING IN SECRET UNDER THE

BLEACHERS.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE HUFFING STUFFING!

YOU CAN TELL FROM THE CRANBERRY RING.

ONE HOME WHERE THEY SHOULD BE REALLY CAREFUL THIS HOLIDAY

SEASON IS THE WHITE HOUSE.

EVER SINCE ELECTION DAY, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS BEEN CIRCULATING

TWO THINGS: FAKE CASES OF VOTER FRAUD AND REAL CASES OF

CORONAVIRUS.

SO FAR, AT LEAST 45 PEOPLE CONNECTED TO THE WHITE HOUSE

HAVE CONTRACTED THE VIRUS.

RECENT CASES INCLUDE MARK MEADOWS, BEN CARSON, COREY

LEWANDOWSKI, AND DON JR., ALL OF WHOM TESTED POSITIVE AFTER

ATTENDING AN ELECTION-NIGHT WATCH PARTY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

OBVIOUSLY, THEY ALL SHOULD HAVE WORN A MASK, AND KEPT A SIX-FOOT

DISTANCE BETWEEN THEIR LIPS AND THE PRESIDENT'S BUTT.

WELL, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS LEARNED THEIR LESSON FROM THE

ELECTION-NIGHT PARTY: HAVE A DIFFERENT KIND OF PARTY,

BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE IS PLANNING HOLIDAY PARTIES INDOORS

DESPITE THE PANDEMIC.

WELL, THEY HAVE TO HAVE THE PARTIES!

RUDY'S ALREADY MADE A BATCH OF DELICIOUS HOLIDAY HEAD-NOG!

BUT THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS.

FOOD WILL BE "INDIVIDUALLY PLATED BY CHEFS AT

PLEXIGLASS-PROTECTED FOOD STATIONS," AND "ALL PASSED

BEVERAGES WILL BE COVERED."

SO, THE C.D.C. HAS FINALLY ACHIEVED SIZZLER SALAD BAR AND

SIPPY CUP TECHNOLOGY.

BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY PRECAUTIONS THEY TAKE, THERE'S

ALWAYS SOME RISK.

SO THE WHITE HOUSE WARNED INVITEES THAT "ATTENDING THE

PARTIES WILL BE A VERY PERSONAL CHOICE."

YES, IT IS AN IMPORTANT PERSONAL CHOICE, REMINDS ME OF THAT

ROBERT FROST POEM: "TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A YELLOW WOOD, AND I

TOOK THE ONE WITHOUT COVID.

BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT."

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!

OUR GUEST IS ROB CORDDRY.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I GET A VISIT FROM THE PRESIDENT'S

LAWYER.

STICK AROUND!