Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • >> Stephen: HELLO, FRIENDS!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • AND, FOLKS, I AM STILL RIDING A NATURAL HIGH OFF OF LAST NIGHT'S

  • INTERVIEW WITH BARACK OBAMA.

  • IT WAS SUBSTANTIVE, SILLY, AND SOMEBODY BROUGHT THE ROCK TO THE

  • RIM.

  • DOESN'T MATTER WHO HAD THE LIQUID GRACE OF A MID-'90s

  • JORDAN.

  • THE IMPORTANT THING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- THAT WAS

  • 20 MINUTES OF INTERVIEW.

  • WE TALKED FOR 100 MINUTES.

  • THERE IS 80 MINUTES OF INTERVIEW JUST AS GOOD AS THAT, 35 MINUTES

  • OF WHICH WE WILL BE SHOWING ON ON'RE ON MONDAY?

  • ON MONDAY, FOR OUR EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL:

  • ON MONDAY, FOR OUR EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL:

  • THE OTHER 45 MINUTES WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ETCHED ONTO A GOLDEN

  • DISK, WHICH THEN WILL BE SHOT INTO SPACE SO FUTURE

  • CIVILIZATIONS WILL KNOW WHEN TELEVISION PEAKED OR PUT IT OUT

  • ON LIKE 45 TIKTOKS.

  • BUT THAT WAS LAST NIGHT.

  • AND, TODAY, THE PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE, THE

  • PRESIDENT-ELECT HAS BEGUN HIS TRANSITION, AND PEOPLE ARE BEING

  • ASKED TO CURTAIL THEIR THANKSGIVING PLANS BECAUSE THE

  • PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE.

  • SO I'M NOT GOING TO GET SHIEPY OBJECTS OUT THERE.

  • I'M GOING TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE STORY-- A WEIRD MONOLITH WAS

  • FOUND IN THE UTAH DESERT.

  • OOH, SHINY!

  • WHAT COULD IT MEAN?

  • IS IT ALIENS MAKING FIRST CONTACT?

  • IS IT A SITE-SPECIFIC ART INSTALLATION THAT EXAMINES THE

  • DYNAMIC TENSION BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE?

  • OR IS IT A REALLY POORLY INSTALLED STAINLESS STEEL

  • BACKSPLASH?

  • UTAH IS THE ULTIMATE OPEN-CONCEPT KITCHEN.

  • NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF SPECULATION ABOUT THIS MYSTERY

  • PLINTH, SO WE'RE GOING TO DIVE IN WITH OUR VERY FIRST

  • MONOLITH-THEMED MONOLOGUE, WHICH WE'RE CALLING

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE MONO-LOGUE

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY A LONGER INTRO THAN THE SPECIAL

  • WITH OBAMA ON MONDAY.

  • HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: A CREW FROM THE UTAH DIVISION OF

  • WILDLIFE RESOURCES WAS SURVEYING THE AREA, COUNTING BIGHORN SHEEP

  • BY HELICOPTER.

  • INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS JOB: YOU HAVE TO FLY THE CHOPPER,

  • COUNT THE SHEEP, AND NOT FALL ASLEEP.

  • WE'VE LOST A LOT OF GOOD SHEEP COUNTERS THAT WAY.

  • THESE PEOPLE IN THE HELICOPTER, THEY NOTICED THE MONOLITH,

  • BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO ONE UTAH WILDLIFE SPOKESMAN, "WE FLY

  • PRETTY LOW FOR THESE SURVEYS SO WE CAN IDENTIFY THE GENDER OF

  • THE SHEEP."

  • HANG ON.

  • YEAH, OKAY, ALIEN MONOLITH, BUT...

  • YOU CAN TELL A SHEEP'S GENDER FROM A HELICOPTER?

  • NOW WE KNOW WHY THEY'RE CALLED "BIG HORN!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AH!

  • THE CREW LANDED FOR A CLOSER INSPECTION.

  • HERE THEY ARE, DOING THIS FOR SOME REASON.

  • AND WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF MAN'S FIRST CONTACT WITH THE MONOLITH.

  • >> OKAY, THE INTREPID EXPLORERS GO DOWN TO INVESTIGATE THE ALIEN

  • LIFE FORM.

  • ( LAUGHS ) >> SO, THEY'VE CUT IT IN.

  • >> THEY'VE CUT IT IN?

  • >> OKAY, WHO DOES THIS KIND OF STUFF?

  • ( LAUGHS ) >> HOLD ON.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: WOW.

  • THAT IS ONE LOW-KEY REACTION TO POTENTIALLY DISCOVERING ALIEN

  • LIFE.

  • "HUH, WHAT'S THAT?

  • A TRACTOR BEAM PULLING ME UP TO THE BELLY OF THE SHIP?

  • WHAT IS THAT A PROBE IN YOUR HAND?

  • HA, WHAT IS THAT, A TRACTOR BEAM WHO DOES THAT KIND OF STUFF?

  • GARY, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?

  • WHOOPS, MY BONES ARE LIQUID NOW."

  • TH THERE ARE NON-ALIEN THEORIES AS

  • TO HOW THIS MONOLITH GOT TO A REMOTE REGION OF UTAH'S DESERT

  • THAT'S CLOSED OFF TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

  • SOME THINK IT COULD'VE BEEN A ROGUE ARTIST OR A LEFTOVER MOVIE

  • PROP.

  • ACCORDING TO ONE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY SPOKESMAN, THE

  • MONOLITH APPEARED TO BE MADE OF STAINLESS STEEL, PUT TOGETHER

  • "WITH HUMAN-MADE RIVETS."

  • OKAY, BUT RIDDLE ME THIS: WHAT HUMAN REFERS TO THEM AS

  • "HUMAN-MADE RIVETS?" WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT

  • SPOKESMAN, "NICK STREET?" CLEARLY A PANICKED GALACTIC

  • TRAVELER MAKING HIS NAME UP ON THE SPOT!

  • ( ALIEN VOICE ) "MY NAME IS NICK...

  • STREET.

  • MY WIFE IS... HONDA...

  • MAILBOX.

  • SHE WEARS HUMAN-MADE SHOES."

  • WHAT MAKES THIS EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS IS THAT AUTHORITIES

  • POINT OUT "THERE ARE ROADS CLOSE BY, BUT TO HAUL THE MATERIALS TO

  • CUT INTO THE ROCK AND HAUL THE METAL-- WHICH IS TALLER THAN 12

  • FEET IN SECTIONS-- TO DO ALL THAT IN THAT REMOTE SPOT IS

  • DEFINITELY INTERESTING."

  • "INTERESTING"?

  • IT'S MORE THAN INTERESTING!

  • THIS IS THE FIRST 15 MINUTES OF A SCI-FI MOVIE.

  • NEXT, WE'RE GOING TO MEET THE ATTRACTIVE YOUNG GEOLOGIST

  • PLAYED BY ZENDAYA, WHO GETS SENT OUT THERE TO STUDY THE MONOLITH

  • WITH CURMUDGEONLY PROFESSOR PAUL GIAMATTI AND A RUGGED, DISTANT,

  • YET KIND METALLURGIST PLAYED BY CHRIS PINE.

  • LOOK, I ALREADY-- I ALREADY HAVE HALF OF IT WRITTEN!

  • CALL ME, MONOLITH!

  • BY THE WAY, THE MONOLITH IS PLAYED BY VIN DIESEL.

  • IN POST-ELECTION ELECTION NEWS, REALITY KEEPS MOVING FORWARD.

  • WITH THE ARROW OF TIME.

  • YESTERDAY, OFFICIALS IN BOTH PENNSYLVANIA AND NEVADA

  • CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THEIR STATES.

  • EVEN THE WHITE HOUSE SEEMS TO BE RECEIVING THE MESSAGE, BECAUSE

  • THEY OFFICIALLY SIGNED OFF ON JOE BIDEN GETTING THE

  • PRESIDENT'S DAILY BRIEF.

  • WELL THAT'S GOING TO BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE

  • FOR THE BRIEFERS TO GIVE A LIST OF NATIONAL SECURITY THREATS TO

  • A PRESIDENT WHO'S NOT ON IT.

  • BUT IT MIGHT BE TOUGH FOR BIDEN, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S DAILY

  • BRIEFING IS OFTEN TAILORED TO THE PRESIDENT CURRENTLY IN

  • OFFICE.

  • WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THE BRIEFING THAT WAS MADE FOR THE

  • CURRENT PRESIDENT: LET'S SEE THIS, JIM.

  • LET'S SEE, THIS ONE MEANS...

  • GREAT DANE-JER.

  • UN-REST IN EYE-RACK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, YEAH.

  • IT'S FOR-- IT'S FOR THE PRESIDENT.

  • YOU GOT TO PUT THE BOOBS IN, OR HE WON'T PAY ATTENTION.

  • BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO ENJOY ABUSING HIS

  • OFFICE RIGHT UP UNTIL THE BITTER END, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, HE

  • TWEETED, "IT IS MY GREAT HONOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT GENERAL

  • MICHAEL T. FLYNN HAS BEEN GRANTED A FULL PARDON.

  • CONGRATULATIONS TO @GENFLYNN AND HIS WONDERFUL FAMILY.

  • I KNOW YOU WILL NOW HAVE A TRULY FANTASTIC THANKSGIVING!"

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

  • KIND OF SUSPICIOUS ABOUT YESTERDAY'S TURKEY PARDON.

  • BUT THANKSGIVING IS A PERFECT DAY TO PARDON FLYNN.

  • AFTER ALL, IT'S ALL ABOUT TURKEY-- THE COUNTRY HE WAS

  • BEING PAID TO REPRESENT SECRETLY WHILE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

  • WORKING FOR AMERICA.

  • STILL, IT'S IN KEEPING WITH TRADITION WITH THE FIRST

  • THANKSGIVING, WHEN THE PILGRIMS AND NATIVE AMERICANS CAME

  • TOGETHER IN HARMONY TO ESTABLISH A SECRET BACK-CHANNEL WITH THE

  • RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT TO THE F.B.I.

  • OR AS THEY CALLED IT, MAIZE.

  • THE PRESIDENT ISSUED THE PARDON DESPITE THE FACT THAT BACK IN

  • 2017, HE TWEETED THIS: "I HAD TO FIRE GENERAL FLYNN

  • BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE F.B.I.

  • HE HAS PLED GUILTY TO THOSE LIES."

  • SURE, HE LIED TO THE F.B.I. AND PLEAD GUILTY TO IT, BUT CAN YOU

  • REALLY TRUST THAT CONFESSION?

  • THE GUY IS AN ADMITTED LIAR!

  • FLYNN HAD ILLEGAL CONVERSATIONS WITH THE RUSSIANS AND THEN LIED

  • TO THE F.B.I. ABOUT THEM.

  • TWO WRONGS MAY NOT MAKE A RIGHT, BUT THIS PRESIDENT IS DETERMINED

  • TO FIND OUT HOW MANY DO.

  • SO THE PRESIDENT IS CERTAINLY ACTING LIKE A GUY WHOSE DAYS ARE

  • NUMBERED, BUT HE HAS NOT CONCEDED.

  • I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST DETAILS OF THIS NEVER-CHANGING

  • STORY IN TONIGHT'S: >> GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

  • I SUSPECT FOWL PLAY!

  • GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

  • I'M PRESIDENT, AND THERE'S STUFFING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

  • GOBBLE, GOBBLE!" >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE

  • HOUSE!" >> Stephen: TODAY, THE PRESIDENT

  • WAS SUPPOSED TO ATTEND THE LATEST FRAUD-FEST STARRING

  • ALLEGED ATTORNEY AND PAGAN PRIEST SUMMONING THE NORSE GOD

  • OF DENTISTRY, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • GIULIANI WAS HOLDING AN EVENT WITH PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICAN

  • STATE SENATORS, BUT IT WASN'T AN OFFICIAL SENATE HEARING, BECAUSE

  • THEY WERE HOLDING IT AT A HOTEL, NOT AT THE STATE CAPITOL.

  • YEAH, IT'S NOT AN OFFICIAL EVENT.

  • IT WAS MORE OF A FRAUD-FAN CONVENTION.

  • THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED IT "ELECTION CON-CON."