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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, I'M FLAD TO BE YOUR HOST

  • TONIGHT, ALL NIGHTS, BUT PARTICULARLY TONIGHT IS AN

  • HISTORICAM NIGHT IN THE ANNALS OF TELEVISION.

  • TONIGHT IS THE FIRST NIGHT I AM SITTING DOWN WITH A GUEST IN

  • PERSON "THE LATE SHOW"" AND WHO ELSE DO YOU WANT TO

  • BREAK THAT SEAL WITH BUT PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

  • THAT'S RIGHT, BARACK OBAMA, MY GUEST TONIGHT.

  • THREE ACTS?

  • THREE ACTS OF BARACK OBAMA.

  • AND YOU GO, "IS THAT-- SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME"

  • NO, IT'S NOT.

  • YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW QUICKLY IT FLIES.

  • FIRST ACT, OBVIOUSLY, JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT.

  • POWER PACKED THOUGH, AND REALLY SUBSTANTIVE.

  • NEXT ACT WE'RE GOING TO MOVE SOME PAPER.

  • WE'RE GOG SELL SOME BOOKS.

  • SUPER FUN AT THE SAME TIME.

  • THEN THE THIRD ACT, WE PLAY BASKETBALL.

  • THAT'S HISTORIC.

  • THAT IS AN HISTORIC GAME.

  • WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE RESULTS.

  • AND, YES, THERE WAS SOME WAGERING.

  • ANYWAY, HOW MANY QUESTIONS DID I GET IN?

  • >> THREE.

  • >> Stephen: THREE QUESTIONS, 20 MINUTES.

  • HE WAS VERY GRACIOUS.

  • THANK YOU AGAIN, MR. PRESIDENT, FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US.

  • YOU KNOW WHO HE IS MARRIED TO, THAT MICHELLE OBAMA.

  • THAT WOULD BE A GREAT GUEST.

  • THAT, THAT WOULD BE A GREAT GUEST.

  • NOT THAT HE'S NOT A GOOD GUEST.

  • HE'S A GREAT GUEST, BUT EVERYBODY LOVES HER.

  • EVERYBODY LOVES HER.

  • I'M ALSO JOINING YOU ON-- IS THAT TOO LONG A PAUSE?

  • I WAS JUST INSPIRED BY THE PRESIDENT.

  • IT WAS AN OBAMA-ESQUE PAUSE.

  • I'M ALSO JOINING YOU ON AN HISTORIC DAY FOR FANS OF

  • CAPITALISM, BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THE DOW HIT

  • 30,000.

  • WOW!

  • THAT IS IS... SO MANY OF THEM.

  • OF THE DOW... POWNTS?

  • IS IT DOW POINTS.

  • DOWELLINGS.

  • IS IT DOW DROPS.

  • DOW UNITS.

  • 30,000 DOWS, DOWELLINGS.

  • LET ME PUT IT IN LEHMAN'S TERMS.

  • IF YOU PUT ALL 30,000 OF THOSE DOW POINTS END TO END, IT WOULD

  • STRETCH ALL THE WAY TO THE S&P 500.

  • I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

  • I THINK EACH DOW IS LIKE A TICKET AT CHUCK E.

  • CHEESE.

  • WHEN IT WAS AT 25,000, AMERICA COULD GET A STUFFED BUNNY.

  • NOW WE'RE AT 30,000, AND WE COULD GO FOR THE BEAR OR THE BIG

  • LION, OR THE FULL-SIZED FOOTBALL.

  • ANYWAY, WHATEVER THEY ARE, IT'S A LOT OF THEM.

  • SO, TO EVERYONE WHO WORKS ON WALL STREET, CONGRATULATIONS.

  • AND TO EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T WORK ON WALL STREET, GOOD LUCK WITH

  • THAT.

  • NEVER ONE TO PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO GLOAT FOR

  • SOMETHING HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR, THE PRESIDENT HELD AN

  • IMPROMPTU PRESS CONFERENCE TO CONGRATULATE HIMSELF FOR THE

  • DOW JONES NUMBERS GOING BIG ON THE MONEY CHART.

  • >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE

  • EVERYBODY.

  • THE STOCK MARKET, DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE JUST HIT

  • 30,000, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST IN HISTORY.

  • THE STOCK MARKET'S JUST BROKEN 30,000, NEVER BEEN BROKEN, THAT

  • NUMBER.

  • THAT IS A SACRED NUMBER, 30,000.

  • >> Stephen: YES, A SACRED NUMBER.

  • AS JESUS HIMSELF SAID, "BLESSED BE THE NUMBER 30,000, FOR, MAN,

  • THAT'S A LOT OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE COUNTING.

  • SHEEP?

  • WHAT ELSE DO WE OWN AROUND HERE?

  • NOTHING."

  • GOTTA BE SHEEP.

  • THEN, JUST ONE MINUTE AND 15 SECONDS AFTER THE PRESS

  • CONFERENCE STARTED, IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T A PRESS

  • CONFERENCE.

  • IT WAS JUST A BRAG 'N DASH, BECAUSE HE LEFT WITHOUT TAKING

  • ANY QUESTIONS.

  • >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU.

  • (CROSSTALK) (REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS)

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> MR. PRESIDENT--

  • >> SIR, WHY NOT... FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY, SIR.

  • ( BLEEP ) >> Stephen: STIRRING WORDS THAT

  • SOMEDAY, NO DOUBT, WILL GRACE THE FACADE OF HIS PRESIDENTIAL

  • LIBRARY.

  • THIS WAS A RARE POTUS SIGHTING.

  • SINCE THE ELECTION, HE'S MADE FEW PUBLIC APPEARANCES.

  • HE KNOWS THAT IF HE COMES OUT OF HIS BUNKER AND SEES HIS SHADOW,

  • HE'LL ONLY HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF PRESIDENT.

  • BUT TODAY, HE HAD A PRESSING MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY: THE

  • ANNUAL TURKEY PARDON.

  • THIS YEAR'S STAR TURKEYS WERE NAMED CORN AND COB.

  • WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THEM ARRIVING IN D.C. FOR THEIR BIG

  • DAY.

  • HERE THEY ARE ARRIVING AT THE ICONIC WILLARD HOTEL, GREETING

  • THEIR THRONGS OF FANS, AND THEN RELAXING IN SOME PLUSH BEDS,

  • WHERE THEY ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PRIVILEGE DURING AN EXPLODING

  • HOMELESS CRISIS.

  • OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER LEADER MADE IT CLEAR HOW FORTUNATE THE

  • PARDONED BIRD WAS.

  • >> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MOMENT OF OUR GUESTS OF HONOR.

  • THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING.

  • AND, IN THIS CASE, HE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.

  • BRING THEM OUT.

  • LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BIRD.

  • OH, SO LUCKY.

  • THAT IS A LUCKY BIRD.

  • >> Stephen: YES, IT'S A LUCKY, LUCKY BIRD... TO HAVE A BETTER

  • LEGAL TEAM THAN THE PRESIDENT.

  • THEN HE SAID THE WORDS THAT SO MANY WHO HAVE WORKED FOR THIS

  • ADMINISTRATION HAVE LONGED TO HEAR:

  • >> I HEREBY GRANT YOU A FULL PARDON.

  • >> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT-- AN INNOCENT TURKEY PARDONED BY A

  • LAME DUCK.

  • AND HE JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT LAMER BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, THE

  • GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION FINALLY DECLARED THAT BIDEN CAN

  • BEGIN HIS TRANSITION.

  • HIS TRANSITION, EVEN THOUGH THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL HASN'T

  • CONCEDED, AND HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EXCITING INSTALLMENT

  • OF...

  • ( TO TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS" ) ♪ SCREW YOURSELF

  • SCREW YOURSELF ♪ I WON'T GO AWAY

  • >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."

  • >> Stephen: WHEN THINGS GO WRONG FOR THE PRESIDENT, HE LOOKS DEEP

  • INSIDE AND TRIES TO UNDERSTAND WHO HE'S GOING TO BLAME.

  • IN THIS CASE, THE NEEDLE LANDED ON HIS PERSONAL ATTORNEY AND

  • BILBO POSSESSED BY THE ONE RING, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • AFTER RUDY'S DISASTROUS PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK, AIDES SAY

  • THE PRESIDENT STARTED TO WORRY THAT HIS LEGAL TEAM "IS COMPOSED

  • OF FOOLS THAT ARE MAKING HIM LOOK BAD."

  • NO, SIR, THAT'S YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP TEAM.

  • BUT ONE OF THE KEY CONFIDENCE KILLERS COULD HAVE BEEN WHEN

  • RUDY HAD THIS LITERAL MELTDOWN.

  • EVEN IF IT'S CLOSE TO THANKSGIVING, THE PRESIDENT

  • DOESN'T WANT A LAWYER WHO MAKES HIS OWN GRAVY.

  • NOW, IT MAY BE HARD TO IMAGINE, BUT RUDY WASN'T ALWAYS THE TROLL

  • LIVING UNDER AMERICA'S BRIDGE.

  • JUST 18 YEARS AGO, HE WAS ALMOST UNIVERSALLY HAILED AS A NATIONAL

  • HERO.

  • IN FACT, THIS MORNING, THE INTERNET UPCHUCKED A NEWLY

  • REDISCOVERED CLIP OF A 2003 RUDY BIOPIC FEATURING ACTOR AND GUY

  • ON THE SUBWAY WHO KEEPS MENTIONING THE SEAT NEXT TO HIM

  • IS FREE, JAMES WOODS.

  • WOODS-- 1600 ON HIS S.A.T.s, JUST ASK HIM AND HE'LL TELL

  • YOU-- UNIRONICALLY PORTRAYED GIULIANI AS A ROMANTIC IDEALIST.

  • HERE'S JUST A TASTE.

  • >> THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER TAUGHT ME.

  • MY DAD AND MY OTHER HEROES: WINSTON CHURCHILL, BOBBY KENNEDY

  • >> DEMOCRATS.

  • >> AS I ONCE WAS.

  • >> WHY'D YOU SWITCH?

  • >> YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT THINGS GETTING

  • BETTER.

  • REPUBLICANS DID WHATEVER THEY COULD TO MAKE THEM BETTER.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR, RIGHT?

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THEY WOULD HAVE PAID

  • FOR BETTER WRITING, BUT THEY BLEW THE WHOLE BUDGET ON THAT

  • WINDOWS 98 SCREENSAVER OF THE OCEAN BEHIND HIM.

  • NOW, THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THAT MOVIE IS "RUDY: THE RUDY

  • GIULIANI STORY."

  • SEEMS A LITTLE REDUNDANT, BUT THEN AGAIN, ALL THE BEST MOVIES

  • DRIVE HOME THEIR SUBJECT MATTER.

  • THAT'S WHY MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS "STAR WARS: A STAR WARS STORY."

  • WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THAT SCENE IS HOW REALISTICALLY IT PORTRAYS

  • THE ROMANCE OF TALKING ABOUT REPUBLICAN POLICY RIGHT BEFORE

  • YOU MAKE OUT.