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  • -Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, today, President Trump took a break

  • from his busy schedule of retweeting Randy Quaid

  • and carried out the presidential tradition of pardoning a turkey.

  • Here's the big moment between Trump and a turkey named Corn.

  • -Corn, I hereby grant you a full pardon.

  • Thank you, Corn.

  • -Yeah. That's right. The bird needed to be pardoned

  • after it was let down by its bumbling lawyer,

  • Rooster Giuliani.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Yeah, the good news is, the turkey was pardoned.

  • The bad news is, Trump didn't wear a mask,

  • so he's a goner anyway.

  • But I hope everyone else wore a mask,

  • 'cause it's gotta be embarrassing

  • if your contact tracing leads back to a turkey pardon.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I saw that people could go online

  • and vote for the turkey they wanted pardoned, Corn or Cob.

  • Meanwhile, it turns out Corn might've won

  • 'cause the vote was rigged by Hugo Chavez.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is nice. I heard that before the ceremony,

  • Corn and Cob stayed at the Willard Hotel.

  • Take a look at this.

  • Yeah. As if the hotel industry wasn't going through enough

  • during COVID, now they got to deal with this --

  • two turkeys in a suite.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, while you've been stuck in your studio apartment

  • for nine months,

  • Corn and Cob have been demolishing the mini bar

  • and renting movies at the Willard Hotel.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, the turkeys have been staying at the hotel,

  • although it was sad when they saw a feather pillow

  • and yelled, "Look what they did to Steve."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some more news about the president.

  • I heard that he's planning to move to Florida,

  • and a certain group people are being asked

  • if they might want to go with him. Watch this.

  • -Members of the president's Secret Service detail

  • have gotten an offer from the Secret Service headquarters

  • asking if they would like to be permanently moved to Mar-A-Lago

  • with the soon-to-be ex-president Donald Trump.

  • -Yep. When Trump asked who wants to go to Florida with him,

  • the agents broke the Guinness World Record

  • for the longest silence in history.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, imagine going from protecting the White House

  • to "The omelet bar is secure."

  • Repeat, the omelet bar is secure."

  • Meanwhile, down at Mar-A-Lago, I read that they're already

  • renovating Trump and Melania's living quarters.

  • This is nice. To make Trump feel better,

  • they're redoing every room to look like the White House.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's actually getting the work done at a good price

  • 'cause they're going to grab all the unused lumber

  • from the border wall.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • So congrats to the Trumps

  • and whichever bank repossesses that property.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, this is a big story. President-Elect Biden

  • has started naming key members of his cabinet. Check it out.

  • -President-Elect Joe Biden beginning to build out

  • his cabinet with a diverse group

  • including Janet Yellen for Treasury Secretary

  • and former Secretary of State John Kerry

  • to serve as a special envoy on the climate crisis.

  • -Yeah, Janet Yellen and John Kerry.

  • Whoa, baby, get pumped!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, when I saw those people,

  • I was like, "Wait, none of them have been on a game show?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Looking at Biden's cabinet versus Trump's

  • is basically like comparing the White House to "Animal House."

  • Listen to this. Joe Biden announced his picks

  • for his presidential cabinet this week.

  • And this is cool. We actually got our hands

  • on the voicemails Biden left for his cabinet members

  • telling them the good news.

  • This first one is for his Secretary of State,

  • Antony Blinken. Take a listen.

  • [ Beep ]

  • -What's up, Skip? Just calling to let ya know

  • you're gonna be my Secretary of State.

  • Hey, remember the days when you could marry the secretary?

  • You'd go, "Hey, missy. I have an appointment to see the boss man,

  • but now I'm wondering if I could take you

  • to the egg cream stand."

  • [ Click ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -This next voicemail is for Secretary of Homeland Security,

  • Alejandro Mayorkas.

  • [ Beep ] -Hey, Alejandro.

  • I need you to keep our country safe from the bad guys,

  • like teenyboppers who smash your mailbox with a bat

  • from the backseat of a Winnebago,

  • or Polish guys at the YMCA who slap your back

  • when you're wearing a wet T-shirt.

  • [ Click ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -And finally, this voicemail is for the new Treasury Secretary,

  • Janet Yellen.

  • [ Beep ] -God, how many of these

  • do I have left? Oh, I'm on.

  • Janet Yellen?

  • You'd be responsible for deciding which money is best.

  • I'm partial to the nickel

  • 'cause it's given us so many classic games --

  • Roll the Nickel Down the Hill. Hop Over the Nickel.

  • Tease the Nickel. Taste the Nickel.

  • -This mailbox is now full.

  • Goodbye. -Yeah, that's --

  • [ Applause ]

  • Hop Over the Nickel, that was one of my favorite games.

  • Some TV news. I saw that "The Queen's Gambit"

  • just became the most-watched scripted limited series

  • on Netflix.

  • It's amazing. All it took

  • was closing every bar, gym, and restaurant in America

  • to get people to care about chess.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And thanks to "The Queen's Gambit,"

  • sales of chess sets are way up.

  • Right now, elves in Santa's workshop are like,

  • "Is this some kind of joke?

  • What's -- Chess sets?"

  • The most popular games are puzzles and chess,

  • so get ready for the hottest Christmas of 1927.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It'll be weird when kids are like, "Is it a chess set?

  • Oh, it's just a PS5."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Thanks, Santa."

  • It reminds me of when "The Great British Baking Show"

  • debuted on Netflix,

  • and sales of type 2 diabetes medication skyrocketed.

  • Reminds me of that.

  • Get this. I heard that a lot of Peloton customers are upset

  • because their orders have been delayed for months.

  • Yep. Right now, customers are like,

  • "How am I supposed to regret buying this thing

  • if it never comes?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You can tell Peloton is getting desperate.

  • Today they mailed people a Schwinn

  • with a 9-inch TV duct-taped to it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, guys, the news can sometimes be pretty heavy.

  • So I thought I'd take a second to focus, in a poetic way,

  • on some of the news stories that you might have missed

  • that are a bit lighter.

  • You'll see what I mean. It's time for "In Lighter News."

  • -♪ In Lighter News

  • [ applause ]

  • -Roses are red, violets are symmetric.

  • 15 Philadelphia mobsters indicted

  • including Tony Meatballs and Joey Electric.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Roses are red, violets are plants.

  • Brawl at Colorado In-N-Out ends with customer losing his pants.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Roses are red, violets have grace.

  • Martial artist removes 68 bottle caps in 1 minute using his face.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Roses are red, violets are glum.

  • Fed-up driver makes his son stand in 6-foot pothole

  • to prove how huge it's become.

  • [ Applause ]

  • And finally, roses are red, violets are daft.

  • Two pilots under investigation

  • for drawing gigantic penis with aircraft.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -♪ In Lighter News

  • And finally, here's some news from overseas.

  • Queen Elizabeth just launched her own brand of gin.

  • Yeah, I'm excited about this,

  • 'cause I think we're a month away

  • from the queen launching her own line of vape pens.

  • Guys, last night after our show,

  • we all went down, me and The Roots,

  • or The Roots and I went down to --

  • Me and The Roots, right?

  • Went down to Macy's to rehearse our performance

  • in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  • -Yeah. -Yeah, it really fun.

  • Obviously socially distant, safe and all of that.

  • But we didn't know if we're going to do a parade this year

  • or not or anything. We actually didn't know.

  • But then we got the call from NBC.

  • They were like, "Hey, would you like to be part of it?"

  • And how do you say no to that?

  • So we were like, "Yeah, let's do it.

  • We got to show up."

  • So I was like, "Are we going to be on a float?"

  • 'Cause usually we're on a muffin or something.

  • -[ Laughs ] Right.

  • -We've been on guitar.

  • -Guitar. -Yeah.

  • -A muffin.

  • -"Sesame Street."

  • -Yeah, what was the "Sesame Street"?

  • -Oh, yeah, "Sesame Street."

  • We were in, like, a house with those guys.

  • -Yeah. -Weren't we on a train before?

  • -I think the first year we were on a train.

  • -Yeah. -Yeah, we're on a train.

  • But so anyways, I said, "What float?"

  • They said, "No float." -Aw.

  • -You guys are dancing in the street.

  • I go, "Alright, cool. I gotcha."

  • So we're going to be out there on the street doing it up.

  • It's going to be fun. It's all going down Thanksgiving morning.

  • We -- I asked around. I found out how they're doing --

  • They're doing some of the balloons, I think.

  • I think they're just going around Macy's,

  • in and out of the revolving door.

  • -With the balloon. -With the giant balloon, yeah.

  • They're just shoving it through. They go, "What is that?"

  • And they go, "Just trust me, it's Snoopy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Just trust -- We couldn't blow it up.

  • But trust me, that's Snoopy and that's --" Yeah.

  • But, no, they have some cool ideas.

  • They are going to do something different.

  • It's just -- It's exciting

  • 'cause you can't -- You can't not do the parade.

  • You got do the parade. -Yeah.

  • -Yeah. So it's going down, and we'll be there.

  • They have all sorts of fun performances.

  • I heard -- "Hamilton," I heard.

  • I heard "Mean Girls."

  • -Got to have your Rockettes.

  • -I think that's what going to, like...

  • [ Irish accent ] ...bring a tear to me eye,

  • is what they say.

  • You know, it brings out the Irish brogue."

  • -Yeah, man. -You know?

  • -And it bring -- -Mine, too.

  • -Yeah. And what -- What happens --

  • What happens when your Irish voice comes out?

  • What does it sound like there? -I start to sound like Popeye.

  • I go, "Oh, ga, ga, ga, ga."

  • -Oh, yeah. Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • He will not there this year, Popeye.

  • -Right. -No, no, no.

  • They'll wheel him out through the revolving door.

  • [ Normal voice ] They go, "That's Popeye. Trust me."

  • But that's all going down.

  • It was so exciting to see everybody.

  • Yeah, hopefully the Rockettes.

  • That's going to be the one that's going to be cool.

  • But obviously hosted by Savannah,