"LATE LATE SHOW."

I HOPE -- I HOPE SO MUCH YOU HAD A HAPPY AND, DARE I SAY IT,

PRODUCTIVE DAY.

THAT'S WHAT I HOPE.

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE TONIGHT WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH

THE ALWAYS INCREDIBLE GOLDIE HAWN AND KURT RUSSELL.

THEN LATER WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM BTS.

STICK AROUND FOR IT, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

( APPLAUSE ) BTS HAVE SENT IN A PERFORMANCE

WHICH IS, WITHOUT QUESTION, MY FAVORITE PERFORMANCE OF ANY SONG

WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW, PERIOD.

IT'S ELECTRIC, STICK AROUND FOR IT.

ALSO, GOLDIE HAWN, KURT RUSSELL, IS THERE A COOLER COUPLE?

>> Reggie: THAT'S THE "IT" COUPLE.

>> James: IT IS.

I'D LIKE TO BE ADOPTED BY THEM.

IF THEY CAME TO ME AND SAID, I'VE HAD A LOVELY CHILDHOOD, I

LIKE MY PARENTS VERY, VERY MUCH, BUT IF THEY CAME TO ME AND SAID,

WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU UNDER OUR WING, I'D DO IT.

I'D JUST IMAGINE THE THREE OF US, I IMAGINE KURT WILL TEACH ME

OUTSIDE HOW TO CHOP WOOD AND -- ( LAUGHTER )

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALL THE STUFF MY DAD COULDN'T TEACH ME.

MY DAD TAUGHT ME TO HARMONIZE, THAT'S IT.

AND THAT'S BEEN USEFUL, BUT NOW I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO CHOP SOME

WOOD, YOU KNOW.

>> HE'D SHOW YOU HOW TO WEAR A THICK WOOL SWEATER.

>> YES, A BIG SWEATER, DENIM JEANS, CHUNKY BOOTS, AND WE

WOULD JUST BE OUT THERE AND HE WOULD BE GOING, NO, SON, YOUR

HANDS ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

AND I WOULD BE, SORRY, DAD.

AND GOLDIE WOULD COME OUT WITH A HOT CHOCOLATE, MARSHMALLOWS, AND

THEY'D MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HIS HAS WHISKEY IN IT, AND I WOULD GO,

OH, GOD, YOU KNOW -- >> YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK YOU'RE

A VERY TALENTED GUY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT GREAT AT?

SQUINTING INTO A SUNSET.

>> James: RIGHT.

KURT RUSSELL, WITHIN TWO DAYS YOU WOULD BE A MASTER AT IT.

>> James: I LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO READ SOMETHING I CAN'T

QUITE MAKE OUT.

WHAT GUILLERMO?

>> I SAID YOU LOOK CONSTIPATED.

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: GUYS, IF IT'S OKAY

WITH YOU, I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A LOOK AT THE DAY'S HEADLINES.

I KNOW IT'S ODD FOR US TO KICK A SHOW OFF IN SUCH A WAY BUT IS

THAT COOL FOR EVERYONE?

LET'S DO IT.

BECAUSE BIG NEWS, LAST NIGHT, AFTER WEEKS OF

DELAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP FINALLY ASKED THE GSA TO BEGIN THE

TRANSITION OF POWER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN.

THERE IT IS, BANG!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I SWEAR, THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH

OR SIXTH TIME JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION.

ISN'T IT IN WE'VE HONESTLY DONE THIS FIVE TIMES NOW, BUT THIS IS

GOOD NEWS, IT IS, OF COURSE, BUT THAT'S HOW LOW THE BAR IS!

TRUMP'S DOING THE BARE MINIMUM, WEEKS LATE, AND ACTING LIKE A

TOTAL DICK ABOUT IT.

AND I'M LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT.

LEADERSHIP PERSONIFIED."

SEE, WHERE WAS THAT LEADERSHIP THE LAST FOUR YEARS?

HE'S DONE NOTHING.

ALSO, I LOVE THAT WE'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE G.S.A. AS IF

IT'S A THING THAT ANYONE KNEW ABOUT BEFORE YESTERDAY.

( LAUGHTER ) THE G.S.A. IS A COMPLETE

TRANSITION OF POWER -- DON'T BE JUST A HUMAN RETWEET.

ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!

( LAUGHTER ) FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,

G.S.A. STANDS FOR GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION, WHICH

SOUNDS LIKE A FAKE COMPANY YOU'D USE TO PAD YOUR RESUME.

"WHAT KIND OF WORK DID YOU DO?" "OH, YOU KNOW, MOSTLY GENERAL

SERVICES.

AND THE ADMINISTRATING THEREOF."

( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE ALL OF THIS, TRUMP IS

STILL NOT CONCEDING THE ELECTION, AND ACCORDING TO

REPORTS, TRUMP AGREED TO BIDEN'S TRANSITION ONLY AFTER BEING TOLD

BY ADVISORS THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO ADMIT DEFEAT.

WHICH RAISES AN IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: IF YOU

NEVER CONCEDE, DID YOU REALLY LOSE?

AND THE ANSWER IS YES.

( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S LIKE THE CHESS MASTER.

LIKE E'S BEING BADLY BEATEN, SO JUST SUGGEST A DRAW.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT ANALOGY WORKS.

I'M EATING IT UP, THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT, ARE YOU?

>> I DEVOURED IT.

I'LL TELL YOU AT THE END, QUEEN GAMBITS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND TRUMP ISN'T

GIVING UP AND THE BASELESS CLAIMS OF AN ELECTION

CONSPIRACY.

HE RETWEETED ELECTRIC "THE WAPOST-S ANDTHIS IS TRUE, THE

ECCENTRIC ACTOR RANDY QUAID.

FIVE RANDY QUAID RETWEETS!

TWO, SURE.

THREE... THAT'S PUSHING IT.

BUT FIVE, I THINK THAT MAKES HIM SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU MIGHT REMEMBER RANDY QUAID

AS THE NUTTY COUSIN EDDIE FROM CHRISTMAS VACATION.

OR AS THE NUTTY FIGHTER PILOT FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY.

OR AS THE NUTTY CRIMINAL FUGITIVE FROM REAL LIFE.

( LAUGHTER ) IN THE FINAL POST THAT THE

PRESIDENT RETWEETED, RANDY QUAID DID A DRAMATIC RETWEETING OF A

TRUMP TWEET ATTACKING FOX NEWS.

HAVE A LOOK.

>> YOU FORGOT THE GOLDEN GOOSE!

(LAUGHING) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 2016 ELECTION AND

2020 IS FOX NEWS!

>> James: GUYS, I THINK SAN A AT THAT IS STRUGGLING WITH

QUARANTINE.

IF I WERE RANDY QUAID, I WOULD NEVER MAKE A VIDEO OF MYSELF

THAT CLOSE UP KNOWING FULL WELL MY NOSE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A

PENIS.

( LAUGHTER ) AND ELON MUSK, PAST BILL GATES,

IS THE SECOND RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD WITH A TOTAL NET WORTH OF

OVER $127 BILLION.

OUR THOUGHTS GO OUT TO THE GATES' FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT

TIME.

MUSK IS NOW THE SECOND RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

HOWEVER, HE IS STILL THE NUMBER ONE "RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD

THAT LOOKS LIKE HE SINGS IN A WEDDING BAND."

WE DO A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING.

WE DO UP TOWN FUNK, AND THEN UP SIDE YOUR HEAD AND THEN

SOMETIMES I DO A LITTLE RAPPING IF THE BRIDE AND GROOM LIKE IT.

WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN DO WITH $127 BILLION?

REG,ER WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

>> Reggie: I'D PAY OFF ALL STUDENT DEBT.

>> James: THERE IT IS.

( APPLAUSE ) WELL, THAT MADE US ALL FEEL BAD.

CAN'T FOLLOW THAT.

NOWHERE FOR THAT TO GO.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY I'D GET A BOAT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I'D GET A BOAT AND

I'D LET STUDENTS USE IT TWICE A YEAR.

( APPLAUSE ) ON ME.

GO NUTS, GUYS.

YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE FUEL.

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO TELL

YOU ABOUT THIS, THERE'S A NEW DATING APP

EXCLUSIVELY FOR BALD PEOPLE.

IT'S CALLED "BALD DATING" AND IT AIMS TO HELP THOSE WHO

ARE BALD OR HAVE THINNING HAIR FIND PARTNERS WHO, "PREFER IT

THAT WAY."

YEAH.

A DATING APP FOR BALD PEOPLE.

WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING NEWS FOR THAT ONE GUY WHO THOUGHT HE WAS

FINALLY ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH A BALD EAGLE.

( LAUGHTER ) I REALLY FEEL EVENTUALLY WE'LL

GET TO THE POINT WHERE EVERY INDIVIDUAL MAN HAS HIS OWN APP.

HI, I'M MARK, IF YOU WANT TO DATE MARK, JOIN MARK FINDER.

( LAUGHTER ) THE APP IS SIMPLY CALLED "BALD

DATING," WHICH IS BETTER THAN SOME OF

THEIR ORIGINAL NAME IDEAS.

LIKE THIS ONE: "SKINDER."

OR THIS ONE: "CLOSE SHAVE CUPID."

AND FINALLY, THIS ONE: "E-NO-HAIR-MONY."