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  • >> JAMES: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE

  • "LATE LATE SHOW."

  • I HOPE -- I HOPE SO MUCH YOU HAD A HAPPY AND, DARE I SAY IT,

  • PRODUCTIVE DAY.

  • THAT'S WHAT I HOPE.

  • I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE TONIGHT WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH

  • THE ALWAYS INCREDIBLE GOLDIE HAWN AND KURT RUSSELL.

  • THEN LATER WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM BTS.

  • STICK AROUND FOR IT, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) BTS HAVE SENT IN A PERFORMANCE

  • WHICH IS, WITHOUT QUESTION, MY FAVORITE PERFORMANCE OF ANY SONG

  • WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW, PERIOD.

  • IT'S ELECTRIC, STICK AROUND FOR IT.

  • ALSO, GOLDIE HAWN, KURT RUSSELL, IS THERE A COOLER COUPLE?

  • >> Reggie: THAT'S THE "IT" COUPLE.

  • >> James: IT IS.

  • I'D LIKE TO BE ADOPTED BY THEM.

  • IF THEY CAME TO ME AND SAID, I'VE HAD A LOVELY CHILDHOOD, I

  • LIKE MY PARENTS VERY, VERY MUCH, BUT IF THEY CAME TO ME AND SAID,

  • WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU UNDER OUR WING, I'D DO IT.

  • I'D JUST IMAGINE THE THREE OF US, I IMAGINE KURT WILL TEACH ME

  • OUTSIDE HOW TO CHOP WOOD AND -- ( LAUGHTER )

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • ALL THE STUFF MY DAD COULDN'T TEACH ME.

  • MY DAD TAUGHT ME TO HARMONIZE, THAT'S IT.

  • AND THAT'S BEEN USEFUL, BUT NOW I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO CHOP SOME

  • WOOD, YOU KNOW.

  • >> HE'D SHOW YOU HOW TO WEAR A THICK WOOL SWEATER.

  • >> YES, A BIG SWEATER, DENIM JEANS, CHUNKY BOOTS, AND WE

  • WOULD JUST BE OUT THERE AND HE WOULD BE GOING, NO, SON, YOUR

  • HANDS ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

  • AND I WOULD BE, SORRY, DAD.

  • AND GOLDIE WOULD COME OUT WITH A HOT CHOCOLATE, MARSHMALLOWS, AND

  • THEY'D MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HIS HAS WHISKEY IN IT, AND I WOULD GO,

  • OH, GOD, YOU KNOW -- >> YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK YOU'RE

  • A VERY TALENTED GUY.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT GREAT AT?

  • SQUINTING INTO A SUNSET.

  • >> James: RIGHT.

  • KURT RUSSELL, WITHIN TWO DAYS YOU WOULD BE A MASTER AT IT.

  • >> James: I LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO READ SOMETHING I CAN'T

  • QUITE MAKE OUT.

  • WHAT GUILLERMO?

  • >> I SAID YOU LOOK CONSTIPATED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: GUYS, IF IT'S OKAY

  • WITH YOU, I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A LOOK AT THE DAY'S HEADLINES.

  • I KNOW IT'S ODD FOR US TO KICK A SHOW OFF IN SUCH A WAY BUT IS

  • THAT COOL FOR EVERYONE?

  • LET'S DO IT.

  • BECAUSE BIG NEWS, LAST NIGHT, AFTER WEEKS OF

  • DELAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP FINALLY ASKED THE GSA TO BEGIN THE

  • TRANSITION OF POWER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN.

  • THERE IT IS, BANG!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I SWEAR, THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH

  • OR SIXTH TIME JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION.

  • ISN'T IT IN WE'VE HONESTLY DONE THIS FIVE TIMES NOW, BUT THIS IS

  • GOOD NEWS, IT IS, OF COURSE, BUT THAT'S HOW LOW THE BAR IS!

  • TRUMP'S DOING THE BARE MINIMUM, WEEKS LATE, AND ACTING LIKE A

  • TOTAL DICK ABOUT IT.

  • AND I'M LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT.

  • LEADERSHIP PERSONIFIED."

  • SEE, WHERE WAS THAT LEADERSHIP THE LAST FOUR YEARS?

  • HE'S DONE NOTHING.

  • ALSO, I LOVE THAT WE'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE G.S.A. AS IF

  • IT'S A THING THAT ANYONE KNEW ABOUT BEFORE YESTERDAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE G.S.A. IS A COMPLETE

  • TRANSITION OF POWER -- DON'T BE JUST A HUMAN RETWEET.

  • ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,

  • G.S.A. STANDS FOR GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION, WHICH

  • SOUNDS LIKE A FAKE COMPANY YOU'D USE TO PAD YOUR RESUME.

  • "WHAT KIND OF WORK DID YOU DO?" "OH, YOU KNOW, MOSTLY GENERAL

  • SERVICES.

  • AND THE ADMINISTRATING THEREOF."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE ALL OF THIS, TRUMP IS

  • STILL NOT CONCEDING THE ELECTION, AND ACCORDING TO

  • REPORTS, TRUMP AGREED TO BIDEN'S TRANSITION ONLY AFTER BEING TOLD

  • BY ADVISORS THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO ADMIT DEFEAT.

  • WHICH RAISES AN IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: IF YOU

  • NEVER CONCEDE, DID YOU REALLY LOSE?

  • AND THE ANSWER IS YES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S LIKE THE CHESS MASTER.

  • LIKE E'S BEING BADLY BEATEN, SO JUST SUGGEST A DRAW.

  • I DON'T KNOW IF THAT ANALOGY WORKS.

  • I'M EATING IT UP, THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT, ARE YOU?

  • >> I DEVOURED IT.

  • I'LL TELL YOU AT THE END, QUEEN GAMBITS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND TRUMP ISN'T

  • GIVING UP AND THE BASELESS CLAIMS OF AN ELECTION

  • CONSPIRACY.

  • HE RETWEETED ELECTRIC "THE WAPOST-S ANDTHIS IS TRUE, THE

  • ECCENTRIC ACTOR RANDY QUAID.

  • FIVE RANDY QUAID RETWEETS!

  • TWO, SURE.

  • THREE... THAT'S PUSHING IT.

  • BUT FIVE, I THINK THAT MAKES HIM SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU MIGHT REMEMBER RANDY QUAID

  • AS THE NUTTY COUSIN EDDIE FROM CHRISTMAS VACATION.

  • OR AS THE NUTTY FIGHTER PILOT FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY.

  • OR AS THE NUTTY CRIMINAL FUGITIVE FROM REAL LIFE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN THE FINAL POST THAT THE

  • PRESIDENT RETWEETED, RANDY QUAID DID A DRAMATIC RETWEETING OF A

  • TRUMP TWEET ATTACKING FOX NEWS.

  • HAVE A LOOK.

  • >> YOU FORGOT THE GOLDEN GOOSE!

  • (LAUGHING) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 2016 ELECTION AND

  • 2020 IS FOX NEWS!

  • >> James: GUYS, I THINK SAN A AT THAT IS STRUGGLING WITH

  • QUARANTINE.

  • IF I WERE RANDY QUAID, I WOULD NEVER MAKE A VIDEO OF MYSELF

  • THAT CLOSE UP KNOWING FULL WELL MY NOSE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A

  • PENIS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND ELON MUSK, PAST BILL GATES,

  • IS THE SECOND RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD WITH A TOTAL NET WORTH OF

  • OVER $127 BILLION.

  • OUR THOUGHTS GO OUT TO THE GATES' FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT

  • TIME.

  • MUSK IS NOW THE SECOND RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

  • HOWEVER, HE IS STILL THE NUMBER ONE "RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD

  • THAT LOOKS LIKE HE SINGS IN A WEDDING BAND."

  • WE DO A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING.

  • WE DO UP TOWN FUNK, AND THEN UP SIDE YOUR HEAD AND THEN

  • SOMETIMES I DO A LITTLE RAPPING IF THE BRIDE AND GROOM LIKE IT.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN DO WITH $127 BILLION?

  • REG,ER WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

  • >> Reggie: I'D PAY OFF ALL STUDENT DEBT.

  • >> James: THERE IT IS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) WELL, THAT MADE US ALL FEEL BAD.

  • CAN'T FOLLOW THAT.

  • NOWHERE FOR THAT TO GO.

  • >> I WAS GOING TO SAY I'D GET A BOAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I'D GET A BOAT AND

  • I'D LET STUDENTS USE IT TWICE A YEAR.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ON ME.

  • GO NUTS, GUYS.

  • YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE FUEL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO TELL

  • YOU ABOUT THIS, THERE'S A NEW DATING APP

  • EXCLUSIVELY FOR BALD PEOPLE.

  • IT'S CALLED "BALD DATING" AND IT AIMS TO HELP THOSE WHO

  • ARE BALD OR HAVE THINNING HAIR FIND PARTNERS WHO, "PREFER IT

  • THAT WAY."

  • YEAH.

  • A DATING APP FOR BALD PEOPLE.

  • WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING NEWS FOR THAT ONE GUY WHO THOUGHT HE WAS

  • FINALLY ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH A BALD EAGLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I REALLY FEEL EVENTUALLY WE'LL

  • GET TO THE POINT WHERE EVERY INDIVIDUAL MAN HAS HIS OWN APP.

  • HI, I'M MARK, IF YOU WANT TO DATE MARK, JOIN MARK FINDER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE APP IS SIMPLY CALLED "BALD

  • DATING," WHICH IS BETTER THAN SOME OF

  • THEIR ORIGINAL NAME IDEAS.

  • LIKE THIS ONE: "SKINDER."

  • OR THIS ONE: "CLOSE SHAVE CUPID."

  • AND FINALLY, THIS ONE: "E-NO-HAIR-MONY."

>> JAMES: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/25
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