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  • ♪ >> Stephen: HEY!

  • WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HEY, JON!

  • >> Jon: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

  • YOU GOT TO GET IT IN.

  • >> Stephen: I LIKE THAT SHIRT A LOT.

  • >> Jon: THIS IS A GOOD VIBE.

  • IT FEELS LIKE FALL.

  • IT'S GREAT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT GOOD VIBE, I SPENT THE

  • MORNING TALKING TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

  • >> Jon: WOW.

  • >> Stephen: I WAS DOWN IN NICE TO SEE YOU TALKING TO HIM.

  • THAT IS A GOOD VIBE.

  • HE SEEMS GOOD, HAPPY, RELAXED.

  • >> Jon: OH, WOW.

  • HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS PLATE.

  • THE BOOK, YOU KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: THE BOOK'S DONE.

  • >> Jon: RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: ObamaCare DIDN'T GET TOSSED OUT BY THE SUPREME

  • COURT.

  • HIS GUY IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT.

  • HE'S GOT A SPRING IN HIS STEP, I TELL YOU THAT.

  • >> Jon: WOW.

  • HOW WAS THE CONVERSATION?

  • >> Stephen: FAR-RANGING, LIGHT, DEEP, IT HAD IT ALL.

  • I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GOING TO FIT IT INTO A SHOW.

  • MAYBE WE'LL DO TWO SHOWS.

  • MAYBE WE'LL DO AN EXTRA SHOW WITH IT.

  • >> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY.

  • THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE GREATEST LIVING HUMANS.

  • YOU'VE GOT TO SHOWCASE IT ALL.

  • WE NEED TO HEAR IT.

  • >> Stephen: JO JON, WE PLAYED WASTE BASKETBALL, YOU KNOW THE

  • BALL PAPER AND CHUTE.

  • >> Stephen: HE'S GOT THE LEFT-HANDED J.

  • >> Jon: HE DOES.

  • YOU'VE GOT TO STICK AROUND FOR THE GAME.

  • .>> Jon: WHO WON?

  • >> Stephen: I CAN'T GIVE THAT AWAY!

  • LET'S SAY WE DID WAGER.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.

  • I REMEMBER WHEN YOU PLAYED THAT WITH STEF AND YOU GOT A J.

  • I KNOW YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOU WITH THE SOCKS AND THE BUCKET.

  • >> Stephen: WHEN THE CAMERA TURNS ON AND THE ADRENALINE

  • FLOWS, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, JON YOU KNOW THAT.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, I'LL PUT YOU ON THE FREE-THROW LINE FOR THE

  • TECH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU GOT ANYTHING

  • COMING UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

  • ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING?

  • ANYTHING THAT PUTS YOU IN THE AUTUMNAL MOOD THAT MATCHES YOUR

  • SHIRT?

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE --

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> Stephen: NOW I WANT TO GO FOR A WALK IN CENTRAL PARK.

  • JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • >> Jon: THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRAINING ON

  • THE MIGHTY STEED OF NEWS, DONNING

  • THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL ARMOR, AND SHARPENING THE LANCE OF

  • SATIRE FOR THE MEDIEVAL ROYAL JOUSTING TOURNAMENT THAT IS MY

  • MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DOWN A 40 OF BOURBON, RUN NAKED IN THE

  • PALE MOONLIGHT TO THE FARM TWO TOWNS OVER, AND STEAL A BABY

  • PONY TO STAGE THE FULL-FRONTAL ONE-MAN AMATEUR PRODUCTION OF

  • EQUUS OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> QUARANTINE WHILE!

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T ALWAYS READ THESE AHEAD OF TIME.

  • IN THIS SCENARIO AM I HAVING SEX WITH A PONY?

  • IT'S A BABY PONY.

  • VERY UPSETTING.

  • I DO NOT APPROVE THAT INTRO, BUT I DID ENJOY IT.

  • QUARANTINE-WHIILE, LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE QUESTION

  • EVERYONE IS ASKING TODAY: HAS SEX PISTOLS STAR JOHN LYDON BEEN

  • BITTEN BY A FLEA ON HIS PENIS AFTER BEFRIENDING SQUIRRELS?

  • GOOD NEWS: SEX PISTOL STAR JOHN LIEDEN WAS

  • BITTEN ON HIS PENIS AFTER BEFRIENDING THE SQUIRRELS.

  • IT SEEMS THE FLEA NEVER MINDED THE BOLLOCKS, AND WENT STRAIGHT

  • FOR THE SEX PISTOL.

  • GOD SAVE THE PEEN.

  • LYDON IS RECOVERING WELL, AND AUTHORITIES HAVE RELEASED THIS

  • PHOTO OF THE SUSPECTED PENIS-BITING FLEA.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING, "PERDUE HAS

  • RELEASED A LIMITED-TIME-ONLY ITEM CALLED "THANKSNUGGETS."

  • IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE SPENDING THIS THANKSGIVING ALONE,

  • WONDERING, "HOW CAN I MAKE THIS SADDER?"

  • ALSO, PRO TIP, DON'T GIVE YOUR PRODUCT A NAME THAT

  • AUTOMATICALLY SOUNDS LIKE SARCASM.

  • THANKS, NUGGETS.

  • THERE ARE TWO FLAVORS OF THANKS, NUGGETS: ONE INCLUDES

  • DARK TURKEY MEAT BLENDED WITH A CRANBERRY SAUCE AND STUFFING

  • FLAVOR, AND ONE FEATURES WHITE TURKEY MEAT "INSPIRED" BY

  • THE FLAVOR OF SWEET POTATO.

  • "INSPIRED" BY ACTUAL FOOD? OKAY, PICASSO.

  • (AS ARTIST) "AND OVER HERE YOU'LL SEE MY

  • NUGGETS THAT ARE LOOSELY INSPIRED BY THE CONCEPT OF

  • CHICKEN.

  • THEY INCLUDE AN HOMAGE TO NUTRITION AND OF COURSE A NOD TO

  • PROTEIN, BUT THE MEDIUM IS PRIMARILY SALT MIXED WITH

  • OIL AND BREAD CRUMBS."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "FLORIDA OFFICIALS HAVE PROPOSED CULLING

  • THEIR INVASIVE PYTHON POPULATION BY EATING THEM."

  • THE ONLY THING THAT SURPRISES ME ABOUT THIS STORY IS THAT

  • FLORIDIANS WEREN'T "ALREADY" EATING PYTHONS.

  • UNTIL NOW, FLORIDA'S FISH AND WILDLIFE COMMISSION HAS

  • DISAPPROVED OF EATING THE INVASIVE PYTHONS BECAUSE

  • "A DECADE-OLD STUDY FOUND EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK PYTHONS

  • CARRIED ALARMING AMOUNTS OF MERCURY, A NEUROTOXIN THAT CAN

  • IMPAIR BRAIN FUNCTIONING."

  • AGAIN...

  • ARE WE "SURE" FLORIDIANS HAVEN'T ALREADY BEEN EATING THESE

  • SNAKES.

  • WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A STATE THAT KEEPS ELECTING A MAN WHO IS

  • CLEARLY PART PYTHON.

  • HE WILL UNHINGE HIS JAW!

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MOVIE NEWS, IT HAS JUST BEEN REVEALED THAT

  • "MAHERSHALA ALI REFUSED TO DO A SEX SCENE IN 'BENJAMIN BUTTON'."

  • BUT THE WEIRD PART IS HE: HE FILMED THE MOVIE, "THEN" REFUSED

  • TO DO THE SEX SCENE, AND "THEN" AUDITIONED, AND THEN WAS

  • A BABY.

  • NEVER SEEN IT.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, BEAR ATTACKS HAVE REACHED A FIVE YEAR HIGH IN

  • JAPAN, BUT ONE AREA HAS A NOVEL SOLUTION: THE JAPANESE

  • ISLAND OF HOKKAIDO HAS CALLED IN A 'MONSTER WOLF' TO SCARE OFF

  • WILD BEAR," HERE IT IS IN ACTION:

  • NOW THAT'S A HAPPY STORY.

  • THIS MONSTER WOLF HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR WORK EVER SINCE HE

  • GOT KICKED OUT OF THE CHUCK E.

  • CHEESE BAND FOR MURDERING HIS METH DEALER.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN WHAT COULD GO WRONG NEWS, "SCIENTISTS MADE

  • MONKEY BRAINS DOUBLE IN SIZE BYSPLICING THEM WITH HUMAN

  • GENES."

  • COME ON!

  • WE'VE MADE MOVIE AFTER MOVIE ABOUT HOW THIS ENDS BADLY.

  • "JURASSIC PARK," "THE FLY," ALL THE "PLANET OF THE APES"

  • MOVIES, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "EX MONKEY-NA?!"

  • IT'S GOOD. A MAZING WHAT THEY DID ON THAT

  • BUDGET.

  • AFTER EXPERIMENTING WITH THE -- I'M GETTING WEIRD MIXTURE OF

  • FEELINGS LOOKING AT THAT MONKEY.

  • AFTER ALL, WE HEARD WHAT I DID WITH THE PONY AT THE BEGINNING

  • OF THIS.

  • I DON'T KNOW HOW THE ACT IS PAINTING ME.

  • AFTER EXPERIMENTING WITH THE MONKEYS' GENES "THEY FOUND THAT

  • THE PRIMATES' BRAINS SOON BECAME MORE HUMAN-LIKE."

  • SO MONKEYS CAN NOW FEEL WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HUMAN.

  • IN FACT, ONE MONKEY BECAME SO HUMAN LIKE THAT SHE BOUGHT A

  • PELOTON TO HELP HER GET THROUGH HER DIVORCE.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GLENN CLOSE.

♪ >> Stephen: HEY!

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