WELCOME!

WELCOME!

HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE -- TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

I'M VERY EXCITED.

I'M ALSO A LITTLE TIRED BECAUSE I GOT UP WAY EARLY THIS MORNING

AND INTERVIEWED BARACK OBAMA TODAY.

THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME DRIVING NOW IS MY POST-OBAMA

HIGH, JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE YOU

FEEL BETTER AFTER A MAGA HANGOVER.

ALSO KNOWN AS A COMBOVER.

IT WAS A GREAT INTERVIEW, AND IN -- JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT,

MAN!

( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS GOOD.

IT WAS GOOD.

IN KEEPING WITH HIS LONG HISTORY OF PAUSES, I WILL BE AIRING

THAT INTERVIEW... UH...

TOMORROW.

BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE A CURRENT PRESIDENT THAT DOESN'T WANT TO

BE A FORMER PRESIDENT.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN ANOTHER EDITION OF OUR

NEVER-ENDING SEGMENT: >> NO! NO!

HELP ME RUDY WAN GIULIANI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!

MAY THE FRAUD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.

>> Stephen: THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

>> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT'S SLOW-MOVING COUP IS NOT GOING

WELL.

THIS AFTERNOON, THE MICHIGAN ELECTION BOARD CERTIFIED JOE

BIDEN'S WIN IN THAT STATE.

THEN, TONIGHT WE LEARNED THAT THE GENERAL SERVICES

ADMINISTRATION INFORMED PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE

BIDEN THE ADMINISTRATION IS READY TO BEGIN THE FORMAL

TRANSITION PROCESS, ACCORDING TO A LETTER FROM ADMINISTRATOR,

EMILY MURPHY.

SO IT'S OFFICIAL: OUR NEXT COMMANDER IN CHIEF WILL BE

PRESIDENT BIDEN.

WHICH MEANS SOMEWHERE, RUDY GIULIANI IS FILING A LAST-DITCH

LEGAL CLAIM THAT OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT'S NAME HAS ALWAYS BEEN

"JOE BIDEN."

EMILY MURPHY, WHO IS, AGAIN, THE HEAD OF THE G.S.A., WANTED TO

MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SHE WAS NOBODY'S PATSY, WRITING, "I WAS

NEVER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY PRESSURED BY ANY EXECUTIVE

BRANCH OFFICIAL, INCLUDING THOSE WHO WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE OR

G.S.A., WITH REGARD TO THE SUBSTANCE OR TIMING OF MY

DECISION."

ADDING, "ALSO, I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT A BAG OF ONION RINGS IN THE

BOTTOM DRAWER OF THE RESOLUTE DESK AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT IT SO

NOW THE WHOLE OVAL OFFICE SMELLS LIKE MOLDY

ONIONS."

THEN SOMETHING UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED, THE PRESIDENT MADE A

REASONABLE STATEMENT TWEETING, "I WANT TO THANK EMILY MURPHY AT

GSA FOR HER STEADFAST DEDICATION AND LOYALTY TO OUR COUNTRY.

I BELIEVE WE WILL PREVAIL!

NEVERTHELESS, IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR COUNTRY, I AM

RECOMMENDING THAT EMILY AND HER TEAM DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

WITH REGARD TO INITIAL PROTOCOLS, AND HAVE TOLD MY TEAM

TO DO THE SAME.

TURNS OUT, THIS WHOLE TIME, ALL HE HAD TO DO TO SOUND

PRESIDENTIAL WAS JUST NOT BE PRESIDENT ANYMORE.

ELSEWHERES, IN GEORGIA, OFFICIALS HAVE JUST COMPLETED A

HAND RECOUNT OF THE ENTIRE STATE AND CONFIRMED THAT JOE BIDEN

WON.

SO THE PRESIDENT SAW THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND GRACIOUSLY ASKED

GEORGIA FOR ANOTHER ELECTION RECOUNT.

HE WANTS THEM TO RECOUNT THE RECOUNT.

MR. PRESIDENT, THINGS DON'T NECESSARILY GET BETTER WHEN YOU

ASK FOR A DO-OVER.

LOOK AT ERIC.

I CAN'T REMEMBER A BIGGER SORE LOSER THAN THIS.

IT'S LIKE WHEN ALI KNOCKED OUT SONNY LISTON AND HE HELD UP THAT

SIGN THAT SAID, "I ACTUALLY WON.

BOXING FRAUD!" IN PENNSYLVANIA, A REPUBLICAN

FEDERAL JUDGE DISMISSED THE CAMPAIGN'S LAWSUIT SEEKING TO

THROW OUT NEARLY SEVEN MILLION PENNSYLVANIA VOTES, DECLARING

THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS PRESENTED, "STRAINED LEGAL

ARGUMENTS WITHOUT MERIT AND SPECULATIVE ACCUSATIONS,

UNSUPPORTED BY EVIDENCE.

IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THIS CANNOT JUSTIFY THE

DISENFRANCHISEMENT OF A SINGLE VOTER, LET ALONE ALL THE VOTERS

OF ITS SIXTH MOST POPULATED STATE."

DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE SURPRISED.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE, RIGHT ON THE PRESIDENT'S HAT.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

EXCEPT YOU, PENNSYLVANIA.

SUCK IT WIT WHIZ!" DELICIOUS.

DELICIOUS.

THIS LAWSUIT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE LAST MAJOR CASE SEEKING TO

THROW OUT OR BLOCK ENOUGH VOTES THAT COULD SWING A KEY STATE IN

THE PRESIDENT'S FAVOR.

BUT THE POTUS FOR NOT MUCH MO-TUS HAD THIS DEFIANT

STATEMENT: >> IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND.

>> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM IMMEDIATELY APPEALED

ON SUNDAY BUT LEGAL EXPERTS SAY THE APPEAL'S CHANCES OF SUCCESS

ARE INCONCEIVABLE.

COINCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS ALSO THE MOTTO OF HIS UNIVERSITY.

AFTER THE RULING, SEVERAL REPUBLICANS SAID IT WAS TIME FOR

THE PRESIDENT TO GIVE UP INCLUDING, PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR

PAT TOOMEY, SEEN HERE ON "BRING YOUR FOREHEAD TO WORK" DAY.

TOOMEY RELEASED A STATEMENT OVER THE WEEKEND DECLARING, "WITH

TODAY'S DECISION BY JUDGE MATTHEW BRANN, A LONGTIME

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN WHOM I KNOW TO BE A FAIR AND UNBIASED

JURIST, TO DISMISS THE CAMPAIGN'S LAWSUIT, THE

PRESIDENT HAS EXHAUSTED ALL PLAUSIBLE LEGAL OPTIONS TO

CHALLENGE THE RESULT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE IN

PENNSYLVANIA."

ADDING, "THESE DEVELOPMENTS, TOGETHER WITH THE OUTCOMES IN

THE REST OF THE NATION, CONFIRM THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020

ELECTION AND WILL BECOME THE 46TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES."

DID YOU HEAR THAT, REPUBLICANS?

HE SAID IT AND DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY BURST INTO FLAMES.

YOU CAN SUMMON THAT COURAGE TOO.

RESIST THE PEER PRESSURE, AND TELL THE WORLD ONCE AND FOR ALL

"I'M INTO DEMOCRACY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT."

NO ONE IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU FOR IT.

HECK, THIS FOURTH OF JULY, YOU COULD EVEN MARCH IN THE

DEMOCRACY PRIDE PARADE.

TOOMEY WAS NOT ALONE.

YESTERDAY, WE ALSO HEARD FROM MICHIGAN REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN

WHO DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE A WOMAN LIKE YOU IN AN OFFICIAL PHOTO

LIKE THIS, FRED UPTON.

UPTON SAID IT'S TIME FOR HIS PARTY TO FACE FACTS.

>> NO ONE HAS COME UP WITH ANY EVIDENCE OF FRAUD OR ABUSE.

>> STEPHEN: I THINK RUDY HAS SEARCHED THAT TRUCK FROM TOP TO

BOTTOM BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S MOTOR OIL.

ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS MARYLAND

GOVERNOR AND WALLACE WHO ATE GROMIT, LARRY HOGAN.

HOGAN HAD HARSH WORDS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPT TO STEAL

MICHIGAN'S ELECTORAL VOTES BY BLACKMAILING THEIR LEGISLATIVE

LEADERS: >> I THOUGHT THE PRESSURING OF

THE LEGISLATORS TO TRY TO SOMEHOW CHANGE THE OUTCOME WITH

ELECTORS WAS COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS.

WE'RE BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE WE'RE A BANANA REPUBLIC.

>> STEPHEN: PLEASE, WE DON'T LOOK LIKE A BANANA REPUBLIC.

IF ANYTHING, WE'RE A "J. COUP."

SLIGHT STRETCH, BUT I LIKE IT.

BUT THE BIGGEST NAME TO TURN ON THE PRESIDENT WAS CLEARLY,

FORMER NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR AND DEPRESSED FRED FLINTSTONE, CHRIS

CHRISTIE.

CHRISTIE SAID IT WAS TIME FOR THE PRESIDENT TO CONCEDE, AND HE

PUT THE BLAME ON THE WHITE HOUSE LEGAL TEAM:

>> THEY ALLEGE FRAUD OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM, BUT WHEN THEY GO

INSIDE THE COURTROOM, THEY DON'T PLEAD FRAUD AND THEY DON'T ARGUE

FRAUD.

THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM HAS BEEN A NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT.

>> STEPHEN: C'MON, CHRIS, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

HIS LAWYERS ARE RUDY "TUCKING IN HIS SHIRT" "INTERNATIONAL"

EMBARRASSMENT.

WELL, WITH SO MANY PEOPLE HUMILIATED BY THE ABSOLUTE

INCOMPETENCE OF HIS LEGAL TEAM, THE PRESIDENT DID WHAT HAD TO BE

DONE AND FIRED SOMEONE NAMED SIDNEY POWELL.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOU DON'T

HAVE TO KNOW.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY.

SHE WAS MICHAEL FLYNN'S LAWYER AND SHE'S BEEN FLOATING WILD

CONSPIRACY THEORIES LIKE THE PRESIDENT LOST GEORGIA

BECAUSE GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP HAS BEEN BRIBED BY A VENEZUELAN

FRONT COMPANY IN CAHOOTS WITH THE C.I.A. TO THROW ELECTIONS TO

COMMUNISTS, AND THAT AMONG OTHERS, THE GUY RESPONSIBLE FOR

RIGGING THE ELECTION WAS HUGO CHAVEZ.

ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM, HUGO CHAVEZ HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 2013.

THOUGH HE STILL LOOKS HEALTHIER THAN MITCH MCCONNELL.

POWELL'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE SO OUT THERE THAT IT BECAME TOO

MUCH EVEN FOR RUDY GIULIANI TO TOLERATE.

NOT ONLY DID HE FIRE POWELL, HE TRIED TO WILL HER OUT OF

EXISTENCE.

IN A STATEMENT, HE AND POTUS LAWYER JENNA ELLIS SAID THAT

"SIDNEY POWELL IS PRACTICING LAW ON HER OWN."

ADDING, SHE "IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM."

YES, SHE DOESN'T WORK WITH THEM AT ALL.

IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT DURING GIULIANI'S TWO HOUR PRESS

CONFERENCE, SHE WAS ON STAGE THE ENTIRE TIME.

SIMPLE MIX-UP.

THEY INVITED SIDNEY POWELL, BUT THEY 'MEANT' TO INVITE SIDNEY

POWELL TOTAL LANDSCAPING.

DESPITE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION BEING UNWILLING

TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE, JOE BIDEN KEEPS ON DOING PRESIDENT

STUFF.

TODAY, HE NAMED HIS PICK TO HEAD THE STATE DEPARTMENT:

FORMER DEPUTY SECRETARY OF STATE AND AMBASSADOR TO SILVER

FOX-ISTAN, ANTONY BLINKEN.

ANOTHER BIDEN PICK WHO WE ALL KNOW FROM NEVER HAVING HEARD OF.

NOT THE C.E.O. OF AN OIL COMPANY, NOT A FORMER FOX NEWS

HOST, NOT EVEN A GUY KID ROCK RECOMMENDED FROM GUITAR CENTER.

BUT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT RINGS A BELL ABOUT HIS NAME:

ANTONY BLINKEN.

HIS NAME IS A. BLINKEN.

"ABE LINCOLN!" A. BLINKEN WILL BE JOINED IN

BIDEN'S CABINET BY INTERIOR SECRETARY "JOE ORGEWASHINGTON"

AND ATTORNEY GENERAL "JAY EFFKAY."

BLINKEN'S RECORD IS SPOTLESS, EXCEPT FOR ONE RHINESTONE GLUED

IN THE CORNER, BECAUSE ON HIS TWITTER BIO, YOU'LL SEE HIS

TITLES FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, HIS CO-FOUNDING

OF WEST-EXEC ADVISORS AND...

HOLD YOUR HORSES.

FOLLOW ABLINKEN ON SPOTIFY?

OH, YOU KNOW I WILL.

'CUZ OUR NEW SECRETARY OF STATE HAS HIS OWN ROCKIN' DAD BAND!

AND HERE'S A LITTLE TASTE, WITH THE MAN HIMSELF ON VOCALS:

♪ ♪

NOTE OH YEAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GOT TO GOT TO ♪

♪ I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO FEEL THE WAY I DO ♪

♪ THAT THIS LOVE IS FOR REAL ♪ >> Stephen: SORRY...

WHOA!

BABY!

THAT'S SOME FOGGY BOTTOM!

IF HIS DIPLOMACY ARE AS SMOOTH AS HIS HOT LICKS WE'RE BACK ON

THE WORLD STAGE BABY.

MY MAN IS GOING TO LOCK ISRAELI AND PALESTINIAN LEADERS IN A

ROOM AND WHEN THINGS GET TENSE, HE'S GONNA PULL OUT THAT GUITAR

AND SAY "YOU TWO GET TO THE NEGOTIATING TABLE, OR I'M GONNA

START 'STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.'" THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO

SURGE TO RECORD LEVELS AND I'LL -- THAT'S AN EMOTIONAL SHIFT

THERE.

SORRY.

TRY IT AGAIN.

DON'T CUT THIS PART OUT, I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THE SAUSAGE BEING

MADE.

THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE -- DID I MENTION I'M

TIRED?

THE COONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SUFFRAGE TO RECORD LEVELS AND

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

♪ ♪

>> I'M COMING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

BUCKLE UP!

GET IT?

LIKE MY HAT!

DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU WITH MY BLUNDER VIRUS!

>> Stephen: OKAY, GET OUT BLUNDER VIRUS ISN'T EVEN CLOSE

TO A JOKE!

BLUNDER VIRUS?

DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THE C.D.C.

IS BEGGING PEOPLE NOT TO TRAVEL FOR THANKSGIVING.

HERE'S HOW FORMER C.D.C.

DIRECTOR DR. TOM FRIEDEN PUT IT THIS WEEKEND:

>> WE'RE ALL SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS VIRUS BUT UNFORTUNATELY

IT IS SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL.

WHEN PEOPLE TRAVEL, THE VIRUS TRAVELS.

AND THIS THANKSGIVING COULD BE THE SUPER BOWL OF

SUPER-SPREADING EVENTS.

>> Stephen: DON'T PUT IT THAT WAY, PLEASE.

PEOPLE LOVE THE SUPER BOWL!

YOU HAVE TO COMPARE IT TO A PARTY CALL IT "THE AWKWARD

RETIREMENT PARTY FOR PATRICIA FROM ACCOUNTING WHO DOESN'T WANT

TO RETIRE BUT IS BEING FORCED TO BY THE COMPANY AND SHE IS CRYING

WHILE PACKING UP THE KITTEN FIGURINES ON HER DESK AND YOU

DON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO SHE

FEELS CLOSE TO NOW..." OF SUPER-SPREADING EVENTS.

FRIEDEN CONTINUED: >> IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A ZOOM

THANKSGIVING THAN AN I.C.U.

CHRISTMAS.

>> STEPHEN: THAT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT.

AND THE TITLE OF A VERY GRIM HALLMARK MOVIE.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, EVERY FAMILY NEEDS TO HAVE A COVID

PLAN.

ESPECIALLY THE