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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME!

  • WELCOME!

  • HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE -- TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M VERY EXCITED.

  • I'M ALSO A LITTLE TIRED BECAUSE I GOT UP WAY EARLY THIS MORNING

  • AND INTERVIEWED BARACK OBAMA TODAY.

  • THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME DRIVING NOW IS MY POST-OBAMA

  • HIGH, JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE YOU

  • FEEL BETTER AFTER A MAGA HANGOVER.

  • ALSO KNOWN AS A COMBOVER.

  • IT WAS A GREAT INTERVIEW, AND IN -- JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT,

  • MAN!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS GOOD.

  • IT WAS GOOD.

  • IN KEEPING WITH HIS LONG HISTORY OF PAUSES, I WILL BE AIRING

  • THAT INTERVIEW... UH...

  • TOMORROW.

  • BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE A CURRENT PRESIDENT THAT DOESN'T WANT TO

  • BE A FORMER PRESIDENT.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN ANOTHER EDITION OF OUR

  • NEVER-ENDING SEGMENT: >> NO! NO!

  • HELP ME RUDY WAN GIULIANI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!

  • MAY THE FRAUD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.

  • >> Stephen: THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

  • >> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT'S SLOW-MOVING COUP IS NOT GOING

  • WELL.

  • THIS AFTERNOON, THE MICHIGAN ELECTION BOARD CERTIFIED JOE

  • BIDEN'S WIN IN THAT STATE.

  • THEN, TONIGHT WE LEARNED THAT THE GENERAL SERVICES

  • ADMINISTRATION INFORMED PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE

  • BIDEN THE ADMINISTRATION IS READY TO BEGIN THE FORMAL

  • TRANSITION PROCESS, ACCORDING TO A LETTER FROM ADMINISTRATOR,

  • EMILY MURPHY.

  • SO IT'S OFFICIAL: OUR NEXT COMMANDER IN CHIEF WILL BE

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN.

  • WHICH MEANS SOMEWHERE, RUDY GIULIANI IS FILING A LAST-DITCH

  • LEGAL CLAIM THAT OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT'S NAME HAS ALWAYS BEEN

  • "JOE BIDEN."

  • EMILY MURPHY, WHO IS, AGAIN, THE HEAD OF THE G.S.A., WANTED TO

  • MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SHE WAS NOBODY'S PATSY, WRITING, "I WAS

  • NEVER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY PRESSURED BY ANY EXECUTIVE

  • BRANCH OFFICIAL, INCLUDING THOSE WHO WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE OR

  • G.S.A., WITH REGARD TO THE SUBSTANCE OR TIMING OF MY

  • DECISION."

  • ADDING, "ALSO, I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT A BAG OF ONION RINGS IN THE

  • BOTTOM DRAWER OF THE RESOLUTE DESK AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT IT SO

  • NOW THE WHOLE OVAL OFFICE SMELLS LIKE MOLDY

  • ONIONS."

  • THEN SOMETHING UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED, THE PRESIDENT MADE A

  • REASONABLE STATEMENT TWEETING, "I WANT TO THANK EMILY MURPHY AT

  • GSA FOR HER STEADFAST DEDICATION AND LOYALTY TO OUR COUNTRY.

  • I BELIEVE WE WILL PREVAIL!

  • NEVERTHELESS, IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR COUNTRY, I AM

  • RECOMMENDING THAT EMILY AND HER TEAM DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

  • WITH REGARD TO INITIAL PROTOCOLS, AND HAVE TOLD MY TEAM

  • TO DO THE SAME.

  • TURNS OUT, THIS WHOLE TIME, ALL HE HAD TO DO TO SOUND

  • PRESIDENTIAL WAS JUST NOT BE PRESIDENT ANYMORE.

  • ELSEWHERES, IN GEORGIA, OFFICIALS HAVE JUST COMPLETED A

  • HAND RECOUNT OF THE ENTIRE STATE AND CONFIRMED THAT JOE BIDEN

  • WON.

  • SO THE PRESIDENT SAW THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND GRACIOUSLY ASKED

  • GEORGIA FOR ANOTHER ELECTION RECOUNT.

  • HE WANTS THEM TO RECOUNT THE RECOUNT.

  • MR. PRESIDENT, THINGS DON'T NECESSARILY GET BETTER WHEN YOU

  • ASK FOR A DO-OVER.

  • LOOK AT ERIC.

  • I CAN'T REMEMBER A BIGGER SORE LOSER THAN THIS.

  • IT'S LIKE WHEN ALI KNOCKED OUT SONNY LISTON AND HE HELD UP THAT

  • SIGN THAT SAID, "I ACTUALLY WON.

  • BOXING FRAUD!" IN PENNSYLVANIA, A REPUBLICAN

  • FEDERAL JUDGE DISMISSED THE CAMPAIGN'S LAWSUIT SEEKING TO

  • THROW OUT NEARLY SEVEN MILLION PENNSYLVANIA VOTES, DECLARING

  • THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS PRESENTED, "STRAINED LEGAL

  • ARGUMENTS WITHOUT MERIT AND SPECULATIVE ACCUSATIONS,

  • UNSUPPORTED BY EVIDENCE.

  • IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THIS CANNOT JUSTIFY THE

  • DISENFRANCHISEMENT OF A SINGLE VOTER, LET ALONE ALL THE VOTERS

  • OF ITS SIXTH MOST POPULATED STATE."

  • DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE SURPRISED.

  • IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE, RIGHT ON THE PRESIDENT'S HAT.

  • MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

  • EXCEPT YOU, PENNSYLVANIA.

  • SUCK IT WIT WHIZ!" DELICIOUS.

  • DELICIOUS.

  • THIS LAWSUIT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE LAST MAJOR CASE SEEKING TO

  • THROW OUT OR BLOCK ENOUGH VOTES THAT COULD SWING A KEY STATE IN

  • THE PRESIDENT'S FAVOR.

  • BUT THE POTUS FOR NOT MUCH MO-TUS HAD THIS DEFIANT

  • STATEMENT: >> IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND.

  • >> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM IMMEDIATELY APPEALED

  • ON SUNDAY BUT LEGAL EXPERTS SAY THE APPEAL'S CHANCES OF SUCCESS

  • ARE INCONCEIVABLE.

  • COINCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS ALSO THE MOTTO OF HIS UNIVERSITY.

  • AFTER THE RULING, SEVERAL REPUBLICANS SAID IT WAS TIME FOR

  • THE PRESIDENT TO GIVE UP INCLUDING, PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR

  • PAT TOOMEY, SEEN HERE ON "BRING YOUR FOREHEAD TO WORK" DAY.

  • TOOMEY RELEASED A STATEMENT OVER THE WEEKEND DECLARING, "WITH

  • TODAY'S DECISION BY JUDGE MATTHEW BRANN, A LONGTIME

  • CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN WHOM I KNOW TO BE A FAIR AND UNBIASED

  • JURIST, TO DISMISS THE CAMPAIGN'S LAWSUIT, THE

  • PRESIDENT HAS EXHAUSTED ALL PLAUSIBLE LEGAL OPTIONS TO

  • CHALLENGE THE RESULT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE IN

  • PENNSYLVANIA."

  • ADDING, "THESE DEVELOPMENTS, TOGETHER WITH THE OUTCOMES IN

  • THE REST OF THE NATION, CONFIRM THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020

  • ELECTION AND WILL BECOME THE 46TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

  • STATES."

  • DID YOU HEAR THAT, REPUBLICANS?

  • HE SAID IT AND DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY BURST INTO FLAMES.

  • YOU CAN SUMMON THAT COURAGE TOO.

  • RESIST THE PEER PRESSURE, AND TELL THE WORLD ONCE AND FOR ALL

  • "I'M INTO DEMOCRACY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT."

  • NO ONE IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU FOR IT.

  • HECK, THIS FOURTH OF JULY, YOU COULD EVEN MARCH IN THE

  • DEMOCRACY PRIDE PARADE.

  • TOOMEY WAS NOT ALONE.

  • YESTERDAY, WE ALSO HEARD FROM MICHIGAN REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN

  • WHO DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE A WOMAN LIKE YOU IN AN OFFICIAL PHOTO

  • LIKE THIS, FRED UPTON.

  • UPTON SAID IT'S TIME FOR HIS PARTY TO FACE FACTS.

  • >> NO ONE HAS COME UP WITH ANY EVIDENCE OF FRAUD OR ABUSE.

  • >> STEPHEN: I THINK RUDY HAS SEARCHED THAT TRUCK FROM TOP TO

  • BOTTOM BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S MOTOR OIL.

  • ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS MARYLAND

  • GOVERNOR AND WALLACE WHO ATE GROMIT, LARRY HOGAN.

  • HOGAN HAD HARSH WORDS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPT TO STEAL

  • MICHIGAN'S ELECTORAL VOTES BY BLACKMAILING THEIR LEGISLATIVE

  • LEADERS: >> I THOUGHT THE PRESSURING OF

  • THE LEGISLATORS TO TRY TO SOMEHOW CHANGE THE OUTCOME WITH

  • ELECTORS WAS COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS.

  • WE'RE BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE WE'RE A BANANA REPUBLIC.

  • >> STEPHEN: PLEASE, WE DON'T LOOK LIKE A BANANA REPUBLIC.

  • IF ANYTHING, WE'RE A "J. COUP."

  • SLIGHT STRETCH, BUT I LIKE IT.

  • BUT THE BIGGEST NAME TO TURN ON THE PRESIDENT WAS CLEARLY,

  • FORMER NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR AND DEPRESSED FRED FLINTSTONE, CHRIS

  • CHRISTIE.

  • CHRISTIE SAID IT WAS TIME FOR THE PRESIDENT TO CONCEDE, AND HE

  • PUT THE BLAME ON THE WHITE HOUSE LEGAL TEAM:

  • >> THEY ALLEGE FRAUD OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM, BUT WHEN THEY GO

  • INSIDE THE COURTROOM, THEY DON'T PLEAD FRAUD AND THEY DON'T ARGUE

  • FRAUD.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM HAS BEEN A NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT.

  • >> STEPHEN: C'MON, CHRIS, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

  • HIS LAWYERS ARE RUDY "TUCKING IN HIS SHIRT" "INTERNATIONAL"

  • EMBARRASSMENT.

  • WELL, WITH SO MANY PEOPLE HUMILIATED BY THE ABSOLUTE

  • INCOMPETENCE OF HIS LEGAL TEAM, THE PRESIDENT DID WHAT HAD TO BE

  • DONE AND FIRED SOMEONE NAMED SIDNEY POWELL.

  • IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOU DON'T

  • HAVE TO KNOW.

  • BUT I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY.

  • SHE WAS MICHAEL FLYNN'S LAWYER AND SHE'S BEEN FLOATING WILD

  • CONSPIRACY THEORIES LIKE THE PRESIDENT LOST GEORGIA

  • BECAUSE GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP HAS BEEN BRIBED BY A VENEZUELAN

  • FRONT COMPANY IN CAHOOTS WITH THE C.I.A. TO THROW ELECTIONS TO

  • COMMUNISTS, AND THAT AMONG OTHERS, THE GUY RESPONSIBLE FOR

  • RIGGING THE ELECTION WAS HUGO CHAVEZ.

  • ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM, HUGO CHAVEZ HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 2013.

  • THOUGH HE STILL LOOKS HEALTHIER THAN MITCH MCCONNELL.

  • POWELL'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE SO OUT THERE THAT IT BECAME TOO

  • MUCH EVEN FOR RUDY GIULIANI TO TOLERATE.

  • NOT ONLY DID HE FIRE POWELL, HE TRIED TO WILL HER OUT OF

  • EXISTENCE.

  • IN A STATEMENT, HE AND POTUS LAWYER JENNA ELLIS SAID THAT

  • "SIDNEY POWELL IS PRACTICING LAW ON HER OWN."

  • ADDING, SHE "IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM."

  • YES, SHE DOESN'T WORK WITH THEM AT ALL.

  • IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT DURING GIULIANI'S TWO HOUR PRESS

  • CONFERENCE, SHE WAS ON STAGE THE ENTIRE TIME.

  • SIMPLE MIX-UP.

  • THEY INVITED SIDNEY POWELL, BUT THEY 'MEANT' TO INVITE SIDNEY

  • POWELL TOTAL LANDSCAPING.

  • DESPITE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION BEING UNWILLING

  • TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE, JOE BIDEN KEEPS ON DOING PRESIDENT

  • STUFF.

  • TODAY, HE NAMED HIS PICK TO HEAD THE STATE DEPARTMENT:

  • FORMER DEPUTY SECRETARY OF STATE AND AMBASSADOR TO SILVER

  • FOX-ISTAN, ANTONY BLINKEN.

  • ANOTHER BIDEN PICK WHO WE ALL KNOW FROM NEVER HAVING HEARD OF.

  • NOT THE C.E.O. OF AN OIL COMPANY, NOT A FORMER FOX NEWS

  • HOST, NOT EVEN A GUY KID ROCK RECOMMENDED FROM GUITAR CENTER.

  • BUT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT RINGS A BELL ABOUT HIS NAME:

  • ANTONY BLINKEN.

  • HIS NAME IS A. BLINKEN.

  • "ABE LINCOLN!" A. BLINKEN WILL BE JOINED IN

  • BIDEN'S CABINET BY INTERIOR SECRETARY "JOE ORGEWASHINGTON"

  • AND ATTORNEY GENERAL "JAY EFFKAY."

  • BLINKEN'S RECORD IS SPOTLESS, EXCEPT FOR ONE RHINESTONE GLUED

  • IN THE CORNER, BECAUSE ON HIS TWITTER BIO, YOU'LL SEE HIS

  • TITLES FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, HIS CO-FOUNDING

  • OF WEST-EXEC ADVISORS AND...

  • HOLD YOUR HORSES.

  • FOLLOW ABLINKEN ON SPOTIFY?

  • OH, YOU KNOW I WILL.

  • 'CUZ OUR NEW SECRETARY OF STATE HAS HIS OWN ROCKIN' DAD BAND!

  • AND HERE'S A LITTLE TASTE, WITH THE MAN HIMSELF ON VOCALS:

  • ♪ ♪

  • NOTE OH YEAH ♪ ♪ I GOT TO GOT TO GOT TO

  • ♪ I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO FEEL THE WAY I DO

  • THAT THIS LOVE IS FOR REAL ♪ >> Stephen: SORRY...

  • WHOA!

  • BABY!

  • THAT'S SOME FOGGY BOTTOM!

  • IF HIS DIPLOMACY ARE AS SMOOTH AS HIS HOT LICKS WE'RE BACK ON

  • THE WORLD STAGE BABY.

  • MY MAN IS GOING TO LOCK ISRAELI AND PALESTINIAN LEADERS IN A

  • ROOM AND WHEN THINGS GET TENSE, HE'S GONNA PULL OUT THAT GUITAR

  • AND SAY "YOU TWO GET TO THE NEGOTIATING TABLE, OR I'M GONNA

  • START 'STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.'" THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO

  • SURGE TO RECORD LEVELS AND I'LL -- THAT'S AN EMOTIONAL SHIFT

  • THERE.

  • SORRY.

  • TRY IT AGAIN.

  • DON'T CUT THIS PART OUT, I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THE SAUSAGE BEING

  • MADE.

  • THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE -- DID I MENTION I'M

  • TIRED?

  • THE COONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SUFFRAGE TO RECORD LEVELS AND

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

  • TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> I'M COMING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

  • BUCKLE UP!

  • GET IT?

  • LIKE MY HAT!

  • DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU WITH MY BLUNDER VIRUS!

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, GET OUT BLUNDER VIRUS ISN'T EVEN CLOSE

  • TO A JOKE!

  • BLUNDER VIRUS?

  • DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THE C.D.C.

  • IS BEGGING PEOPLE NOT TO TRAVEL FOR THANKSGIVING.

  • HERE'S HOW FORMER C.D.C.

  • DIRECTOR DR. TOM FRIEDEN PUT IT THIS WEEKEND:

  • >> WE'RE ALL SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS VIRUS BUT UNFORTUNATELY

  • IT IS SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL.

  • WHEN PEOPLE TRAVEL, THE VIRUS TRAVELS.

  • AND THIS THANKSGIVING COULD BE THE SUPER BOWL OF

  • SUPER-SPREADING EVENTS.

  • >> Stephen: DON'T PUT IT THAT WAY, PLEASE.

  • PEOPLE LOVE THE SUPER BOWL!

  • YOU HAVE TO COMPARE IT TO A PARTY CALL IT "THE AWKWARD

  • RETIREMENT PARTY FOR PATRICIA FROM ACCOUNTING WHO DOESN'T WANT

  • TO RETIRE BUT IS BEING FORCED TO BY THE COMPANY AND SHE IS CRYING

  • WHILE PACKING UP THE KITTEN FIGURINES ON HER DESK AND YOU

  • DON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO SHE

  • FEELS CLOSE TO NOW..." OF SUPER-SPREADING EVENTS.

  • FRIEDEN CONTINUED: >> IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A ZOOM

  • THANKSGIVING THAN AN I.C.U.

  • CHRISTMAS.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT.

  • AND THE TITLE OF A VERY GRIM HALLMARK MOVIE.

  • THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, EVERY FAMILY NEEDS TO HAVE A COVID

  • PLAN.

  • ESPECIALLY THE