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  • (audience cheers)

  • That's the way to lay it down.

  • (audience cheering)

  • (hands drum)

  • All right.

  • We got a big show tonight.

  • I can't waste a lot of time tonight.

  • A lot of, you know,

  • most evenings on this program,

  • I waste a ton of time making faces

  • and (gurgles).

  • (audience laughs)

  • Tonight, I can't really do that too much.

  • We've got too much show,

  • too much good show.

  • And I want to talk about something right away,

  • here on the program.

  • Most people don't know this,

  • but I'm a pretty fashion-conscious guy.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Seriously, I love fashion.

  • Fashion, it's my life, you can tell.

  • So, I was really excited,

  • a couple of months ago,

  • when Isaac Mizrahi,

  • the famous fashion designer,

  • came on our program.

  • Very excited to meet this guy,

  • talk to him,

  • but look at what happened

  • just seconds into the interview.

  • Take a look at this.

  • We have the cheesiest show tonight.

  • There's a microphone on your tie.

  • Yes, yes exactly, yeah.

  • [Isaac] You call that a tie,

  • what you call a tie.

  • What I call a tie?

  • No, I'm sorry, I can't resist.

  • (audience laughs)

  • He went on to say,

  • that he thought my tie was just crap.

  • That's pretty much what he said,

  • in his polite,

  • kind of fashion designer way.

  • But he totally ripped apart my tie

  • and said that he watches the show

  • and he thinks all my ties are bad.

  • It was a humiliating experience for me.

  • It took, I was crushed.

  • (audience moans)

  • Thank you.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm glad we have a

  • blinking show pity sign.

  • Anyway.

  • (audience laughs)

  • No, I was really upset

  • that Isaac Mizrahi hated my tie,

  • so I got very depressed

  • for a long time.

  • Then, last week,

  • Isaac called me up.

  • He asked me if he could take me

  • shopping for ties at Barneys.

  • (audience cheers)

  • That's the famous New York department store

  • and I was like,

  • wait a minute,

  • this guy knows ties,

  • I'll do it.

  • I'll go with him.

  • He even let us take one

  • of our own cameras along.

  • Take a look.

  • (upbeat music)

  • We're here at Barneys,

  • we're gonna go tie shopping, right?

  • We're gonna buy ties.

  • What about this?

  • No.

  • This is me going for it.

  • Really, that's the problem.

  • Isn't the point

  • to just go for it? Uh uh.

  • Not that way,

  • you're not going to do it

  • looking that way.

  • I say go for it.

  • I say like just grab life

  • and go for it.

  • You do?

  • Not this tie.

  • Who makes this tie?

  • It's Paul Smith.

  • This is Paul Smith.

  • I'll make up an even better name.

  • Go ahead.

  • Jean B.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Jean B., there you go.

  • Who made this tie?

  • Jean B.

  • You see that?

  • Guillermo Jean B.

  • Ask me who made my tie.

  • Who made your tie?

  • It's Guillermo Jean B.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Paolo Jean B.

  • Ask me one more time.

  • Who made your tie?

  • I told you like five times,

  • what's your problem? (audience laughs)

  • Oh look.

  • Oh look. That's a motif.

  • Christmas.

  • You see that?

  • With not very many presents under the tree.

  • (audience laughs)

  • [Isaac] No, that's depressing.

  • And look at that, that's like,

  • [Isaac] An orphanage.

  • A lonely alcoholic's Christmas.

  • (audience laughs)

  • (upbeat music)

  • Really nice.

  • Okay, that's a deep,

  • that's a purple I hate it.

  • I hate it.

  • Now that you get it on it's own,

  • it's horrible.

  • You like things from afar,

  • but then when you get close.

  • That's the thing.

  • Oh my God, what if you ever like,

  • had a, you know, child

  • and was like, "Oh my baby, I love you, I love,

  • ew, I hate you!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • You should get glasses

  • that make everybody appear

  • that they are 15 feet away.

  • (audience laughs)

  • (upbeat music)

  • That's a gayish thing.

  • Is that the kind of audience

  • you want to go for?

  • We get a lot of gay people,

  • but there are nine gay people that are not watching.

  • And we want to get them watching.

  • Okay, well the surest way to do it

  • is a scarf, but I don't think

  • it's that scarf.

  • I think it's like a cute little sort of

  • Charles Nelson Reilly kind of.

  • Oh! Uh! Uh!

  • (audience laughs)

  • (upbeat music)

  • Yeah, you know what?

  • It's not working on you.

  • I'm telling you.

  • You know why?

  • Because I have elements of pink in my skin.

  • That's right.

  • Which is because I have a

  • urinary tract infection.

  • Oh, you do?

  • You mean like a chick?

  • Like a girl?

  • No, let's not talk.

  • Girls usually have those.

  • No, I have many women's ailments.

  • [Audience Laughs]

  • (upbeat music)

  • You like a knit, you wear a knit tie before?

  • When I see people wearing knit ties,

  • I always think,

  • I always have this desire to dry my hands.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I always want to reach over and dry my hands.

  • What are those, little cherries?

  • Little cherries, yeah, I like that.

  • Do they make other foods on ties?

  • Like a waffle.

  • If they made waffles.

  • So you don't like this?

  • I kind of like it.

  • I actually just want

  • some waffles right now.

  • If we could get some waffles.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Conan, that's gross!

  • Oh, I can't even watch!

  • Oh, that's gross!

  • If you're gonna spend some real money

  • on a tie, let's make it a tie

  • that people can see,

  • if I'm in a dense fog out at sea,

  • they'll see me.

  • I feel that you are buying that tie

  • just so you can make fun of me.

  • Let me think about that for a second.

  • Let me think.

  • I'm a little smarter than you suspect.

  • Let me think.

  • Yes.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Please buy that tie.

  • Please, I'm begging you.

  • Do I have to get on my knees?

  • Come on.

  • That's bad, relax.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I can't high-five you

  • in a Barneys.

  • I'm sorry.

  • I almost high-fived.

  • But if we high-five

  • in a Barneys, it's over.

  • Thank you very much.

  • Thank you.

  • So, you picked out some ties.

  • Yes, I did.

  • And if you don't mind,

  • I'd like to take you to where I shop

  • and pick out some stuff for you.

  • That would be fine, yeah.

  • Is that okay?

  • Yeah, it's near?

  • It's nearby.

  • That's fine.

  • I've never been to Kmart.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You know, this is just as good as Barneys,

  • and I'm being serious, too.

  • You think?

  • Yeah, well Barneys are all, a lot of attitude,

  • but they don't have decals

  • on their escalators.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Now which way is it?

  • Is it this way?

  • (Santa sings)

  • Can we buy that?

  • Can we buy that?

  • (Santa sings)

  • (audience laughs)

  • How do you feel about pants

  • that come with the belt?

  • Come with the belt.

  • Why not go the extra step.

  • Why not have pants, the belt,

  • and then shoes and underwear

  • attached so that you just put these on,

  • and suddenly you're dressed.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Oh look see,

  • this is something you were talking about,

  • where thee sew a sweatshirt

  • hood to a jean jacket.

  • Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!

  • Do I look like Eminem?

  • But I want to look like Eminem.

  • Look, you know what I love?

  • I love it when you can buy briefs

  • in bulk.

  • Yeah.

  • It's a lot of briefs.

  • I always liked the pictures of guys in briefs.

  • Okay, like he's trying hard.

  • He's really trying hard.

  • He's way too excited

  • about being in his underwear.

  • Exactly.