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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME! TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M YELLING.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

  • I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, YOUR HOST.

  • MARK, CHRIS, EVIE IS HERE.

  • ALWAYS A LOVELY NIGHT.

  • YOU'RE LOOKING LOVELY OVER THERE.

  • >> FOLKS, AS YOU ALWAYS DO -- THAT'S NOT NEWS.

  • FOLKS, AS MUCH AS IT'S HARD TO CONTEMPLATE, OUR NATION IS IN

  • THE GRIPS OF A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS PLAGUE, AND HE WON'T LEAVE THE

  • WHITE HOUSE.

  • IT'S BEEN 12 DAYS SINCE THE PRESIDENT LOST THE ELECTION

  • AND HE CONTINUES TO PURSUE HIS STRONG LEGAL ARGUMENT OF

  • "BUT I DON'T WANNA!" I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST

  • PRESIDENTIAL SELF-PITY PARTY IN MY SADOMASOCHISTIC SEGMENT:

  • >> ONE, TWO, A RECOUNT, A COUP, THREE, FOUR, A CIVIL WAR

  • FIVE, SIX, WE ARE HUGE DICKS!

  • >> ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

  • >> Stephen: I THINK "HUGE" IS GENEROUS.

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL LEGAL TEAM IS ON A BIT OF A

  • LOSING STREAK.

  • AFTER DISMISSING THEIR LAST REMAINING FEDERAL LAWSUIT IN

  • MICHIGAN THIS MORNING, THEY ARE ONE TO 29 FOR POST-ELECTION

  • LITIGATION.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S JUST FULFILLING THIS CAMPAIGN PROMISE:

  • >> WE WILL HAVE SO MUCH LOSING!

  • IF I GET ELECTED THAT YOU MAY GET BORED WITH LOSING!

  • >> STEPHEN: BUT THE BAD NEWS IS NOT STOPPING TRUMP LAWYER AND

  • PHANTOM OF THE SEX SHOP, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • EARLIER TODAY, GIULIANI HELD ANOTHER PRESS CONFERENCE TO

  • SPOUT HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

  • UNFORTUNATELY, IT SEEMS LIKE FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING

  • WAS BOOKED, SO THIS EVENT WAS HELD AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF THE

  • REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE.

  • STILL, THE SAME AMOUNT OF MANURE WAS INVOLVED.

  • EVEN THOUGH THE PENNSYLVANIA SUPREME COURT ALREADY RULED THAT

  • GOP OBSERVERS HAD APPROPRIATE ACCESS TO THE RECOUNT, RUDY KEPT

  • COMPLAINING THEY COULDN'T SEE THE COUNTING.

  • AND HE CITED THE LEGAL PRECEDENT OF... A JOE PESCI MOVIE FROM THE

  • '90S.

  • >> WE COULD DO, LIKE, A-- DID YOU ALL WATCH "MY COUSIN VINNY"?

  • YOU KNOW THE MOVIE?

  • IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE LAW MOVIES, BECAUSE HE COMES FROM

  • BROOKLYN, AND WHEN-- AND WHEN THE NICE LADY SAID SHE SAW AND

  • THEN HE SAYS TO HER "HOW MANY FINGERS DO I GOT UP?"

  • AND SHE SAYS, "THREE."

  • WELL, SHE WAS TOO FAR AWAY TO SEE IT WAS ONLY TWO.

  • THESE PEOPLE WERE FURTHER AWAY THAN MY COUSIN VINNY WAS FROM

  • THE WITNESS.

  • THEY COULDN'T SEE A THING.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, NOW I EVEN FEEL BAD FOR THE WOMEN UP THERE

  • WITH HIM.

  • THEY GOT ALL DRESSED UP, JUST TO HAVE A MAN EXPLAIN ALL THE

  • DETAILS OF A MOVIE HE LIKES?

  • (AS GIULIANI) "SO, SOMETIMES THEY CALL HIM

  • GOLLUM, BUT SOMETIMES THEY CALL HIM SMEAGOL.

  • HE ACTUALLY REFERS TO HIMSELF AS 'WE' AND 'PRECIOUS.'

  • ANYWAYS... ANY OF YOU LADIES WANNA HELP ME TUCK IN MY SHIRT?"

  • BY THE WAY, MY FAVORITE LAW MOVIE IS THE ONE WHERE BORAT

  • TRICKS YOU INTO GOING TO A HOTEL BEDROOM AND...

  • POUND YOUR PANTS GAVEL.

  • IF IT PLEASE THE COURT, YOUR HONOR, MAY I APPROACH THE

  • CROTCH?

  • AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRESS CONFERENCE WAS GETTING A LITTLE

  • HOT, BECAUSE PARTWAY THROUGH HIS PRESENTATION, RUDY SWEAT SO MUCH

  • THAT HIS HAIR DYE STARTED RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.

  • EITHER THAT, OR HE HAD SO MUCH TO DRINK HE WAS SWEATING MERLOT.

  • JIMMY, DO WE HAVE ANOTHER ANGLE ON THAT?

  • REMIND ME: IS IT A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR LAWYER STARTS MELTING?

  • LOOKS LIKE RUDY GOT A BAD BATCH OF "JUST FOR HENCHMEN."

  • THAT'S NOT JUST HAIR DYE-- IT LOOKS LIKE HIS HAIR IS DYING.

  • RUDY DYED HIS HAIR, BUT HIS HEAD IS CHALLENGING THE RESULTS.

  • EVIDENTLY HE HAD HIS HAIR STYLED AT JIFFY LUBE.

  • NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S EASY TO MAKE FUN OF RUDY HERE, BUT IT'S

  • ALSO VERY SATISFYING.

  • HERE'S THE THING: RUDY AND THE REST OF THE PRESIDENT'S

  • ATTORNEYS DO NOT SPECIALIZE IN ELECTION LAW.

  • BUT THEY INSIST THEY'RE THE RIGHT PEOPLE FOR THE CON JOB.

  • >> THIS IS AN ELITE STRIKE FORCE TEAM THAT IS WORKING ON BEHALF

  • THE PRESIDENT AND THE CAMPAIGN TO MAKE SURE THAT OUR

  • CONSTITUTION IS PROTECTED.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, AN ELITE STRIKE FORCE: SEAL TEAM SUCKS.

  • A FEW PEOPLE IN THE ADMINISTRATION MUST HAVE SEEN

  • THE WRITING ON THE WALL THOUGH, BECAUSE ADVISERS HAVE

  • STARTED TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT ABOUT WHAT THE END LOOKS LIKE,

  • USING THE WORD "CONCLUSION" RATHER THAN "CONCESSION."

  • THEY'RE TALKING TO HIM LIKE HE'S A THREE-YEAR-OLD.

  • "MR. PRESIDENT, YOU DIDN'T LOSE, YOUR CAMPAIGN JUST WENT DOWN THE

  • BIG BOY POTTY."

  • THEY'RE ALSO USING PHRASES LIKE "GOING INTO RETIREMENT," INSTEAD

  • OF "GOING TO JAIL."

  • BUT THEY'RE NOT PUTTING MUCH EFFORT INTO IT.

  • HERE'S THE PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF YESTERDAY, RESPONDING TO A

  • REPORTER'S QUESTION ABOUT VOTER FRAUD:

  • >> YOU SAID YOU'VE SEEN SPECIFIC VOTER FRAUD EXAMPLES-- WHAT ARE

  • THOSE EXACTLY?

  • >> IT WOULD BE TOO LONG TO GET INTO AND LITIGATE IT HERE.

  • >> STEPHEN: (AS MEADOWS) "I HAVE TONS OF SPECIFICS.

  • I LEFT THEM WITH MY CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND.

  • LET ME JUST TEXT MY HER.

  • UH-OH, MY DOG ATE MY CANADA."

  • SO THE END MAY BE IN SIGHT, WHICH IS GOOD, OBVIOUSLY, BUT

  • ALSO, IT'S KIND OF SAD.

  • BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD IN YEARS.

  • FOR TEN DAYS, WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO WATCH THE PRESIDENT LOSE OVER

  • AND OVER AGAIN.

  • LOSE THE ELECTION, LOSE THE RECOUNT, LOSE THE LAWSUITS!

  • IT'S LIKE CHANUKAH: WE THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY ENOUGH STUPID TO

  • LAST FOR ONE DAY, BUT MIRACULOUSLY, IT JUST KEEPS

  • GOING.

  • ALSO, I'M JUST POUNDING DOWN FRIED POTATOES WITH APPLE SAUCE.

  • ONE PERSON WHO'S NOT ENJOYING THE ATTEMPTED COUP IS HEAD OF

  • THE GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION AND WOMAN WHO IS

  • EITHER 14 OR 40, EMILY MURPHY.

  • MURPHY HAS RECEIVED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR NOT RELEASING

  • FUNDS FOR THE INCOMING BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO BEGIN THEIR

  • TRANSITION.

  • WHICH APPARENTLY HAS BEEN ROUGH ON... HER?

  • ACCORDING TO HER FRIENDS, SHE IS STRUGGLING WITH THE WEIGHT OF

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION BEING DROPPED ON HER SHOULDERS,

  • FEELING LIKE SHE'S BEEN PUT IN A NO-WIN SITUATION.

  • SHE'S RIGHT, IT IS A NO-WIN SITUATION.

  • BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO A SECOND TERM, HER BOSS NO WIN.

  • SINCE THE ELECTION, MURPHY HASN'T MADE ANY PUBLIC

  • APPEARANCES, AND EVERYBODY'S BEEN WAITING FOR HER TO MAKE A

  • STATEMENT.

  • AND SHE FINALLY DID LAST NIGHT, WHEN SHE TWEETED:

  • "DCCCF REX ZZZ @#Z@SMANN ANANN."

  • HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.

  • EITHER THAT'S AN ACCIDENTAL TWEET, OR SHE'S TRYING TO CALL

  • FORTH SOME SORT OF LOVECRAFTIAN CREATURE FROM ANOTHER

  • DIMENSION.

  • (AS MURPHY) "FROM THE DEPTHS OF D'CCCF REX,

  • I CALL FORTH TO THEE, AT-SMANNANAN, SEPARATOR OF

  • DARKNESS FROM LIGHT, REND ASUNDER THE THIN VEIL OF REALITY

  • AND SEND FORTH C'THULU!

  • AND C'VFEFE!" HOPE I DIDN'T DO THAT TOO

  • POWERFULLY.

  • I DON'T WANT TO SUMMON ANOTHER WORLDLY DEMON.

  • ONE THING THE PRESIDENT HAS NOT BEEN DOING IS... ANYTHING.

  • BUT HE HAS DECIDED TO CONTINUE ONE LONG-RUNNING TRADITION:

  • HE WILL PARDON THE ANNUAL THANKSGIVING TURKEY AT THE

  • WHITE HOUSE ON TUESDAY.

  • GIVEN ALL THE COVID OUTBREAKS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE TURKEY

  • MAY WANT TO OPT OUT OF THE WHOLE CEREMONY.

  • (AS TURKEY) "THANKS, BUT I'LL TAKE MY

  • CHANCES WITH THE HATCHET."

  • (GOBBLES) THE PRESIDENT ISN'T THE ONLY

  • DISEASE VECTOR GETTING READY FOR THANKSGIVING.

  • THE PANDEMIC IS THREATENING TO TURN THE HOLIDAY INTO A

  • SUPER-SPREADER EVENT.

  • AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON ALL THE DEPRESSING DETAILS IN MY VIRAL

  • SEGMENT: CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS

  • BUMMER!

  • >> SEASON'S GREETINGS!

  • >> Stephen: WHERE'S MY SPRITE?

  • OR MY SPRAY BOTTLE.

  • YESTERDAY, WE CROSSED A HORRIBLE THRESHOLD

  • IN THE EPIDEMIC.

  • BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS HAS NOW KILLED A QUARTER OF A MILLION

  • PEOPLE IN THE U.S., AND AT THE CURRENT RATE, THE DISEASE IS

  • KILLING AT LEAST ONE AMERICAN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.

  • UNLIKE IN THE SPRING, WHEN THINGS WERE BAD, RIGHT NOW

  • THINGS ARE BAD EVERYWHERE.

  • AS OF YESTERDAY, 47 STATES HAD AT LEAST 10% MORE NEW DAILY

  • CASES.

  • IN FACT, ONLY HAWAII HAS SEEN AT LEAST A 10% DECREASE IN

  • NEW CASES.

  • MAKES SENSE.

  • IN HAWAII, "ALOHA" MEANS BOTH "HELLO" AND "PUT ON YOUR (BLEEP)

  • MASK."

  • THERE ARE SO MANY NEW CASES THAT THE "NEW YORK TIMES" HAD TO

  • UPDATE HOW THEY DO COVID MAPS.