Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • It is Wednesday, November 18th,

  • and we are having a pajama party here in Studio 6A.

  • It's the first-ever "Tonight Show"

  • P'Jimmy Jammy Jam.

  • So hopefully everyone at home is in their pajamas right now.

  • Just turn the TV on. Let's have fun.

  • It's going to be a great night.

  • I teamed up with Alex Mill to make what I think

  • are the coolest pajamas on the planet.

  • Not only are they cool, they have pockets.

  • But also 100% of the net proceeds

  • goes to Feeding America, which is an amazing organization

  • that has a network of over 200 food banks

  • and 60,000 food pantries

  • and meal programs around the country.

  • It feeds over 46 million people each year.

  • So when you buy these P'Jimmies, not only are they a great gift,

  • but you're also feeding a family.

  • More details on this later.

  • But they are officially available as of right now

  • on alexmill.com.

  • Whoo! All right, guys.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, this is exciting. The FDA has just given

  • the green light to a new type of coronavirus test.

  • Listen to this.

  • -The FDA has approved emergency use for the first COVID-19 test

  • that can be conducted entirely at home.

  • The kit, made by Lucira,

  • allows users to self-administer a nasal swab test

  • and then wait for the results which come within 30 minutes.

  • -All right. Just in time for Christmas.

  • It's the ultimate stocking and nasal stuffer.

  • [ Applause ]

  • I think you can tell how your marriage is going

  • during quarantine by how deep your spouse pushes the swab in.

  • It's like, "Honey! Honey!

  • I don't think it's supposed to be a jabbing motion.

  • Just -- Gosh!

  • I think I'm smelling burnt toast. Okay."

  • The test is great. You just stick the swab up your nose

  • and then wait 30 minutes

  • for the medics to stop the internal bleeding.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, the test guarantees results in 30 minutes or less.

  • Hey, here's a fun game -- Take the test, order Dominos,

  • and have them race.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, now you and your family can get together

  • and swab your own nasal cavities.

  • It's basically the worst fondue party ever.

  • [ All groan ] "Aw, my swab broke.

  • That means I'm having the next nasal swab party."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, the FDA says that they fully trust Americans,

  • while Americans are like, "I lost the cotton swab,

  • so I used a Twizzler. Is that okay?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "And then I ate the Twizzler. Is that okay?

  • And then I found the swab and ate that. Is that okay?"

  • [ Laughter ] But this is interesting.

  • Even though the test is at home, the FDA still wants you

  • to sit in your car for five hours before getting it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some more good news.

  • Zoom just announced that for Thanksgiving,

  • they're lifting their 40-minute time limit on free meetings.

  • -Whoo! -Yep, it'll be

  • the first Thanksgiving you can show up to wearing this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think 40 minutes is plenty. I mean, after 40 minutes,

  • even the pilgrims were looking at their watches like,

  • "Yeah, well, we got a lot of dishes to do in the river,

  • so --" [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Americans are like,

  • "I think 40 minutes of watching Grandpa slurp cranberry sauce

  • is more than enough, thanks."

  • Thanksgiving over Zoom isn't ideal,

  • but if your uncle starts ranting about the election,

  • you can just click the "Switch Family" button.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, you can give yourself a fake background,

  • just like your aunt's new boyfriend

  • gives himself a fake background.

  • "Hi, I'm a lawyer specializing in -- in law.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Legal -- Legal law, so...

  • The legal kind."

  • Speaking of Thanksgiving and the pandemic,

  • a supermarket chain is apologizing

  • after they put out this ad that says,

  • "Hosting? Plan a super spread."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cymbal crashes ]

  • Marketing 101, make the customer think of the virus

  • and unrefrigerated shellfish.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Maybe it's just me, but isn't there something extra gross

  • about ordering a giant shrimp platter during a pandemic?

  • [ Scattered laughter ]

  • [ Chuckling ] Right?

  • Even worse, every order comes with an ice-cold Corona.

  • "Ah!" [ Laughter ]

  • "Why didn't we just say Budweiser?"

  • The creator of the ad apologized

  • and said he just wanted it to go viral.

  • "Ah!" [ Laughter ]

  • "Why can't I just --" [ Cymbal crashes ]

  • "Ee-aah!"

  • I saw that President Trump has decided

  • to change his Thanksgiving Day plans. Check it out.

  • -The president has decided

  • to cancel his Thanksgiving trip to Mar-A-Lago,

  • marking the first time during his presidency

  • that the president has not gone down there.

  • -They intend to spend Thanksgiving

  • here at the White House.

  • -Yep, a big party at the White House --

  • What could possibly go wrong?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Trump was like, "If Don Jr. asks,

  • I'll still be at Mar-A-Lago."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Thankfully, there will be some COVID restrictions.

  • Trump's been asked not to put his straw

  • directly into the gravy boat.

  • "I'll just use a Twizzler.

  • I'll take it out of my nose first."

  • Yep, Trump is staying busy in Washington.

  • Yesterday, he responded to the Homeland Security official

  • who said the election was fair and secure.

  • Take a look.

  • -President Trump overnight announcing the firing

  • of top DHS cybersecurity official Chris Krebs on Twitter,

  • claiming, without evidence,

  • that Krebs had put out highly inaccurate information

  • after Krebs and other security officials

  • called the November 3rd election

  • the most secure in American history.

  • -Yeah. Trump fired Krebs.

  • He was like, "It's not the first time I've gotten rid of crabs,

  • and it won't be the last.

  • It won't be the last, folks."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • It's a pretty bold move by Trump.

  • The last thing you want to do

  • is tick someone off who can access your browser history.

  • At this point, getting fired by Trumps is kind of fun.

  • You get your name in the paper, you get a book deal,

  • and you get a framed copy of the tweet.

  • Not bad. [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some business news.

  • Amazon is now offering a new service to its customers.

  • Watch this.

  • -Amazon is getting into the pharmacy business.

  • The e-commerce giant unveiled Amazon Pharmacy yesterday.

  • The online drug store allows customers

  • to order prescription medications for home delivery,

  • including free two-day shipping for Prime members.

  • -So get ready for an all-new era of drunk-ordering amoxicillin

  • at 3:00 a.m.

  • "What does it do?

  • I'll -- I'll take it. I don't care, man.

  • I'll take two of them."

  • The new service sounds convenient,

  • but I do think their packaging could use a little work.

  • I just think that is a bit too --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When asked if Amazon might be getting too powerful,

  • Jeff Bezos said --

  • -[ Deep voice ] Silence, you insolent fools!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Speaking of medicine, Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson

  • are all working on vaccines right now.

  • And I saw that Pfizer's vaccine

  • has to be kept at extremely low temperatures.

  • But Moderna's vaccine can be kept in a normal freezer,

  • which makes it easier to ship.

  • It's all a little complicated, so let me explain it like this.

  • Roots?

  • -Here we go.

  • [ Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" playing ]

  • ♪♪

  • -♪ Cold coolin' in a lab, waitin' for that new injection

  • One little jab and there you have a cure for this infection

  • Moderna is the one you need, allow me explain

  • It's hella nice, put it on ice and then shoot it in my vein

  • It won the vaccine race, antibodies were responding

  • Smacked Pfizer down, took the COVID crown

  • And left Johnson holdin' its Johnson

  • So when you go to the doctor, don't have no concern-a ♪

  • Just ask the guy, "What should I try?" Say funky cold Moderna

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Funky cold Moderna

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And finally --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Finally, I saw that Pizza Hut is now selling

  • a weighted blanket that looks like pepperoni pizza for $150.

  • Take a look at this thing.

  • Yeah. I don't know. When I eat pizza, it already feels like

  • cheese and pepperoni are blanketing my insides.

  • Yeah, you can either buy the blanket for 150 bucks

  • or offer the delivery guy $75 to come in and spoon.

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

B2 laughter swab thanksgiving trump moderna nasal

Trump Ditches Mar-A-Lago For White House on Thanksgiving | The Tonight Show

  • 0 0
    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/19
Video vocabulary