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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'LL GET RIGHT TO IT, BAD NEWS FIRST.

  • THE PRESIDENT IS ACTIVELY WORKING TO UNDERMINE OUR

  • DEMOCRACY, USURP THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, AND HOLD ONTO POWER, IN

  • VIOLATION OF OUR CONSTITUTION.

  • GOOD NEWS: HE IS REALLY BAD AT IT.

  • THE PRESIDENT IS DESPERATE TO SOMEHOW THROW OUT THE VOTES FOR

  • BIDEN, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN HIS ADMINISTRATION, IT'S BEEN

  • A RACE BETWEEN AUTOCRACY AND INCOMPETENCE.

  • AND WITH THIS CROWD, INCOMPETENCE IS USAIN BOLT, WHO

  • MAKES IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE, STEPS IN A BUCKET, AND GETS HIS

  • HEAD STUCK IN A TOILET.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT THE IN COUP-NANIGANS IN TONIGHT'S

  • EDITION OF: ( TUNE OF "THREE BLIND MICE" )

  • DEAD PEOPLE VOTE DEAD PEOPLE VOTE

  • ♪ I SAW THEM VOTE THEY ARE ZOMBIES

  • THEY VOTE, AND THEN THEY EAT SOME BRAINS

  • THEY GAVE BIDEN THE STATE OF MAINE

  • IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU SNORT COCAINE

  • DEAD PEOPLE VOTE ♪ >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE

  • HOUSE."

  • >> Stephen: HE'S GOT A REALLY LOVELY VOICE.

  • CONSIDERING HOW HARD HE'S WORKING TO KEEP THE JOB, THE

  • PRESIDENT SURE ISN'T DOING MUCH OF IT.

  • FOR THE 11th TIME SINCE THE ELECTION, HIS SCHEDULE TODAY

  • LISTED "NO PUBLIC EVENTS."

  • MAYBE THAT'S JUST HOW HE OBSERVES QUARANTINE: HE NEVER

  • LEAVES THE HOUSE, UNLESS HE KNOWS HE'S SPREADING THE VIRUS.

  • APPARENTLY, EL PRESIDENTE HAS EVEN CANCELED HIS PLANS TO

  • TRAVEL TO MAR-A-LAGO FOR THANKSGIVING, DECIDING TO STAY

  • IN WASHINGTON INSTEAD.

  • SMART MOVE.

  • THE MINUTE HE STEPS OUT OF THERE, YOU KNOW THEY'RE CHANGING

  • ALL THE LOCKS.

  • BUT AS MUCH AS HE WANTS TO DENY REALITY, THE POTUS WHO LOST THE

  • VOTE-US CAN'T ESCAPE IT.

  • FOR INSTANCE, WHEN HE LOOKS OUT HIS NORTH-FACING WINDOWS, HE CAN

  • SEE THE REVIEWING STAND FOR BIDEN'S INAUGURAL PARADE BEING

  • RE-ERECTED ON HIS FRONT LAWN.

  • IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR WIFE GO OUT ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE

  • ON YOUR FRONT LAWN, GETTING RE-ERECTED.

  • AND THIS TIME, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SHOW UP TO WATCH.

  • BUT THE PRESIDENT IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

  • ONE BY ONE, THE STATES ARE STARTING TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS,

  • AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF HIS ONE TERM.

  • AND BEFORE THAT CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED, THE

  • REPUBLICANS ARE THROWING SOME PRETTY DISGRACEFUL HAIL MARYS.

  • TAKE YESTERDAY IN MICHIGAN.

  • THE CANVASSING BOARD OF THE STATE'S LARGEST COUNTY, WAYNE

  • COUNTY, WHICH INCLUDES DETROIT, IS HALF REPUBLICAN, HALF

  • DEMOCRAT, TO MAKE IT NON-PARTISAN.

  • BUT LAST NIGHT, THE TWO REPUBLICANS REFUSED TO CERTIFY

  • THE RESULTS, AND THE BOARD ENDED UP DEADLOCKED 2-2.

  • OH, WHAT A TO-DO TO TRY TODAY TO DEADLOCK 2-2, A THING DISTINCTLY

  • HARD TO SAY BUT HARDER STILL TO DO.

  • ( CLEARS THROAT ) SOREY, I'M ALL WARMED UP.

  • HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

  • THE TWO REPUBLICANS CLAIMED TO BE CONCERNED THAT IN DETROIT,

  • THERE WERE MINOR DISCREPANCIES, IN WHICH THE NUMBER OF VOTES

  • CAST DID NOT MATCH THE NUMBER OF VOTERS LISTED AS HAVING SHOWN UP

  • TO VOTE.

  • THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE.

  • SO IT'S OUTRAGEOUS THAT THE REPUBLICAN CHAIR SAID SHE WOULD

  • BE OPEN TO CERTIFYING THE VOTE IN "COMMUNITIES OTHER THAN

  • DETROIT."

  • OH, HELL, NO!

  • YOU CAN'T DISENFRANCHISE MOTOWN!

  • EACH ONE OF THOSE VOTES WAS "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED."

  • YOU CAN'T TURN OUR DEMOCRATIC PROCESS INTO A "BALL OF

  • CONFUSION" JUST TO APPEASE THE "TEARS OF A CLOWN."

  • I COULD GO ON.

  • UPHE'S TELLING ME NOT TO.

  • WHATEVER THE REASON-- RACISM WAS THE REASON-- THE PRESIDENT'S

  • TEAM WAS THRILLED, ESPECIALLY CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISER AND WOMAN

  • TELLING YOU YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE THIS TIME-SHARE SEMINAR ALIVE,

  • JENNA ELLIS.

  • SHE TWEETED, "BREAKING: THIS EVENING, THE COUNTY BOARD OF

  • CANVASSERS IN WAYNE COUNTY, MICHIGAN, REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE

  • ELECTION RESULTS.

  • IF THE STATE BOARD FOLLOWS SUIT, THE REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATOR

  • WILL SELECT THE ELECTORS."

  • DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST COUP D'ETAT, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF

  • GIVING AWAY THE GAME THERE, JENNA.

  • AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE WRITING FASCIST FAN FICTION, WHY NOT

  • JUST GO FOR IT: "THEN THE TANKS WILL ROLL THROUGH THE STREETS,

  • AND WE WILL ARREST EVERYONE WITH AN "I VOTED" STICKER AND CHANGE

  • THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO 'Y.M.C.A.,' BUT THIS TIME, THE

  • VILLAGE PEOPLE IS ALL COPS."

  • THE PRESIDENT WAS ALSO THRILLED WITH THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY,

  • TWEETING, "WOW!

  • MICHIGAN JUST REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE ELECTION RESULTS!

  • HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

  • THE U.S.A. STANDS PROUD!" JUST ONE PROBLEM WITH THE

  • PRESIDENT'S PREMATURE CELEBRATION: THE PRESIDENT

  • TWEETED THOSE WORDS AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE TWO REPUBLICANS ON

  • THE BOARD DECIDED THEY DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE POOPING ON THEIR

  • FRONT LAWN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES AND AGREED TO CERTIFY THE

  • RESULTS.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S TWEET IS LIKE THAT MOMENT HALFWAY THROUGH

  • "STAR WARS" WHEN DARTH VADER SAYS THIS:

  • >> YAVIN 4 HAD IT COMING.

  • BIG WIN FOR THE EMPIRE.

  • HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

  • THE DEATH STAR STANDS PROUD.

  • ( EXPLOSION ) OOPS!

  • >> Stephen: KIND OF CUTE WHEN HE DOES IT.

  • SO WHY DID THE REPUBLICANS BACK DOWN?

  • WELL, TURNS OUT, VOTERS AREN'T THAT KEEN ON HAVING THEIR VOTES

  • THROWN OUT.

  • AND AFTER NEWS OF THE DEADLOCK GOT OUT, THE BOARD HELD A

  • MEETING FOR PUBLIC COMMENTS, AND REQUESTS TO JOIN THE ZOOM CALL

  • QUICKLY WENT BEYOND CAPACITY.

  • YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WHEN PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY

  • JOIN A ZOOM CALL.

  • NOW, THE TWO REPUBLICANS IN QUESTION ARE WAYNE COUNTY

  • CANVASSING BOARD MEMBER AND HOTTEST GUY ON farmersonly.com,

  • WILL HARTMANN; AND FELLOW BOARD MEMBER AND WOMAN SINGING ALL THE

  • WORDS TO "GOLDDIGGER" AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S KARAOKE NIGHT,

  • MONICA PALMER.

  • TURNS OUT, THE PUBLIC WAS NOT SHY ABOUT LETTING THEM HAVE IT

  • PERSONALLY, ESPECIALLY THIS GUY: >> I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW

  • THAT THE TRUMP STINK, THE STAIN OF RACISM THAT YOU, WILLIAM

  • HARTMAN AND MONICA PALMER, HAVE JUST COVERED YOURSELF IN IS

  • GOING TO FOLLOW YOU THROUGHOUT HISTORY.

  • MONICA PALMER AND WILLIAM HARTMAN WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN IN

  • SOUTHEASTERN MICHIGAN AS TWO RACISTS.

  • THE LAW ISN'T ON YOUR SIDE, HISTORY WON'T BE ON YOUR SIDE.

  • YOUR CONSCIENCE WILL NOT BE ON YOUR SIDE.

  • AND, LORD KNOWS, WHEN YOU GO TO MEET YOUR MAKER, YOUR SOUL IS

  • GOING TO BE VERY, VERY WARM.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: "WELL, THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I'LL BE SPENDING

  • ETERNITY BURNING ON A LAKE OF FIRE.

  • I'LL PACK SOMETHING LIGHT.

  • OH, YOU ALSO SAY I CAN GO PLEASURE MYSELF?

  • AGAIN, THANK YOU.

  • IT WOULD BE CONSENSUAL."

  • AFTER THREE HOURS OF BEING PELTED WITH ROCKS AND GARBAGE,

  • THE MEETING WENT ON MUTE FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND WHEN IT CAME

  • BACK ON, HARTMAN INFORMED THE CROWD THAT THEY HAD JUST VOTED

  • UNANIMOUSLY TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS.

  • SO THAT'S IT?

  • THAT'S ALL IT TOOK?

  • IT'S THAT EASY TO STOP YOUR DEVIOUS PLAN?

  • FOR PETE'S SAKE, IF ALL FASCISTS WERE THAT WEAK, WE COULD HAVE

  • AVOIDED WORLD WAR II WITH ONE PROPAGANDA POSTER!

  • "HEY, HITLER, IS THAT A MUSTACHE, OR HAVE YOU BEEN

  • KISSING MUSSOLINI'S ASS?" THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY--

  • YOU'RE SHAKE YOUR HEAD ON THAT ONE.

  • DID I GO TOO FAR?

  • DO YOU THINK I HURT HITLER'S FEELINGS WITH THAT ONE?

  • THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY FOR THE PRESIDENT IN PENNSYLVANIA.

  • THE STATE SUPREME COURT DID NOT BELIEVE THEIR LIE THAT THEY

  • WERE NOT ALLOWED POLL WATCHERS, WHICH WAS QUITE A BLOW FOR THE

  • PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE PUTTING AIR

  • QUOTES AROUND THE WORD "LAWYER."

  • YESTERDAY, RUDY WAS MAKING THE SAME MAKE-UP OBSERVER ARGUMENT

  • IN FEDERAL COURT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PENNSYLVANIA, WHEN HE

  • GOT TAKEN DOWN BY HIS OLD NEMESIS: WORDS.

  • BECAUSE AS HE WAS READING HIS OWN TEAM'S COMPLAINT TO THE

  • JUDGE, HE SAID, "I'M NOT QUITE SURE I KNOW WHAT 'OPACITY'

  • MEANS.

  • IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU CAN SEE, RIGHT?"

  • TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "IT MEANS YOU CAN'T."

  • TO WHICH RUDY SAID, "BIG WORDS, YOUR HONOR."

  • TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "YOU ARE AN IMBECILE," TO WHICH RUDY

  • SAID, "WRONG, YOUR HONOR!

  • I'M AN ITALIAN."

  • IN ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF CLOSING THE BARN DOOR AFTER THE COWS

  • VOTED FOR SOMEBODY ELSE, THE PRESIDENT IS STILL FIRING ANYONE

  • WHO DARES CHALLENGE HIS DEXY-INDUCED FEVER DREAMS.

  • CASE IN