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  • [ Applause ]

  • -Almost showtime, Jimmy.

  • -What? Oh, yeah, sure.

  • -Are you still thinking about "Queen's Gambit"?

  • -Nah, I mean -- I loved it, but I'm just --

  • [ Theme music playing ]

  • -Jimmy --

  • Jimmy!

  • -Yeah?

  • -See you on stage, man.

  • ♪♪

  • -Green one eats fast.

  • Blue one eats fast.

  • Green one eats faster.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • -From Rockefeller Center in the heart of New York City,

  • it's "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon."

  • Tonight join Jimmy and his guests --

  • Whoopi Goldberg, Emma Corrin,

  • musical guest Dierks Bentley,

  • and featuring the Legendary Roots Crew.

  • And now here he is, Jimmy Fallon!

  • ♪♪

  • -Do it!

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Oh, hey!

  • Hey, thank you very much! Hello! Welcome!

  • Tank you very much. Welcome, everybody. Oh!

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you very much, everyone. Welcome, please.

  • Thank you so much for being here.

  • We are coming at you live from New York City right now.

  • Everybody, come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show"! Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, everyone is talking about this.

  • Today, Twitter officially launched a new feature

  • where your tweets disappear after 24 hours, called Fleets.

  • Come on, Twitter, you wait till Trump is leaving,

  • then introduce disappearing tweets?

  • Twitter was like, "We solved our biggest problem."

  • People are like, "Racist conspiracy theories?"

  • Twitter was like, "Second biggest problem."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Is it just me or does tweet fleet sound like

  • a new branch of the military created by Trump?

  • [As Trump] "I'm in a Twitter war with Bette Midler.

  • Send in the tweet fleet." [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, scientists are like, "We just created a COVID vaccine,"

  • and America is like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,

  • Twitter has a new button! Fleet, fleet!"

  • Well, so far it can be a little hard to tell

  • what should be a tweet and what should be a fleet.

  • But I thought this user guy was pretty helpful.

  • Check it out. For example,

  • Barack Obama might tweet, "I hope you all enjoy reading

  • my new memoir 'A Promised Land.'"

  • But he should fleet, "On the DL, this is just stuff

  • I copy-pasted from my other three memoirs."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Here's Another example. Butterball might tweet,

  • "create a natural roasting rack by putting carrots and celery

  • on the bottom of the pan."

  • But they should fleet, "I'mma be real.

  • I forgot to take the bag of gizzards out,

  • but screw it, it's noon

  • and I've already had three White Claws."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Up next, Starbucks might tweet,

  • "Welcome back, Peppermint Mocha, to our 2020 Holiday Drink menu,"

  • but they should fleet, "Welcome back,

  • the guy with the ponytail who always blows up the bathroom!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, Kohl's might tweet, "It's never too early

  • to pick up some Kohl's Cash for stockings."

  • But they should fleet, "It's never too early

  • to tell their kids they're not getting a PS5."

  • [ Applause ] There you go, I'm just saying.

  • Tweet and fleet.

  • Well, guys President Trump's days in office are numbered,

  • but he's trying to make the most out of them.

  • It just came out that he's even been thinking about

  • attacking Iran.

  • Listen to this.

  • -President Trump asked senior aides

  • about his options for an offensive strike

  • on Iran's main nuclear site.

  • -Senior advisers told the president

  • an attack could escalate into a bigger conflict

  • in the last weeks of his presidency.

  • -What is Trump doing? If he wants to hurt Iran,

  • don't bomb them.

  • Just invite them to a party at the White House.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Well, I saw that Georgia is finishing up

  • their election recount, but it sounds like

  • some Republicans are interfering to help the President.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Stunning allegations by Georgia's

  • Republican Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger,

  • who told "The Washington Post" he had been pressured

  • by fellow Republicans, including

  • South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham

  • to question the validity of legally cast absentee ballots.

  • -I'm sure the Secretary of State was terrified.

  • I mean, how intimidating is Lindsey Graham?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, the Trump campaign still hasn't given up

  • in Wisconsin.

  • However, it looks like a recount

  • is going to come with a pretty big price tag.

  • Watch this.

  • -President Trump's campaign wants a recount

  • in the state of Wisconsin.

  • It's going to cost nearly $8 million up front.

  • The Trump campaign has until Wednesday

  • if they want to request a recount.

  • -Trump was immediately like, "Okay, I concede. Okay."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Not only does he have to pay that, but also it just came out

  • that Rudy Giuliani wants to charge Trump's campaign

  • $20,000 a day for his services.

  • I wouldn't hire Rudy Giuliani if he paid me 20 grand a day.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's campaign was like, "If we could afford that,

  • we'd have hired a real lawyer."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm excited for when Trump doesn't pay

  • and then he hires Rudy Giuliani to sue Rudy Giuliani.

  • "I'll take him down, boss."

  • Everyone's excited about this.

  • Dolly Parton is releasing a new holiday album and movie,

  • but it turns out that's not all she's been working on.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Dolly -- she couldn't do enough, so now she's actually

  • helping to cure the coronavirus

  • because one of your donations

  • helped out Moderna,

  • and now Moderna is knocking on the door of a vaccine.

  • -I'm just so happy that anything that I've done

  • could help in any way.

  • -That's right, Dolly Parton helped with the vaccine!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Dolly Parton!

  • Even weirder, Dr. Fauci is releasing a country album

  • about his childhood in the great Smoky Mountains

  • of Brooklyn, New York. [ Laughter ]

  • Here's a wild story.

  • There's a new college admissions scandal,

  • this time involving Harvard. Check it out.

  • -New arrests in connection with admissions cheating

  • involves a former fencing coach at Harvard, Peter Brand,

  • and a Maryland business executive, Jie Zhao.

  • Zhao is accused of paying more than $1.5 million

  • in bribes to secure Harvard admission

  • for his two sons as fencers.

  • -I'm sure someone with Harvard University fencing coach

  • on their resume is going to do well in the yard.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When the police came for the fencing coach,

  • he tried to escape by swinging across the room on a chandelier.

  • "Unhand me, you fiend!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Whooshing ]

  • "You rapscallion, you!"

  • Here's something you may have noticed.

  • For the first time in 30 years,

  • Pepsi just changed its 2-liter bottles.

  • Here is the old look and new look.

  • Yeah. Looks like Pepsi gave all of their bottles a revenge body.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That looks like before and after your dad realizes

  • you're taking a photo of him by the pool.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, I heard about an interesting new invention

  • out of Japan for single men. Listen to this.

  • -Robot hand. The new invention from engineers

  • at a Japanese university,

  • it is aimed at single men to simulate

  • holding a woman's hand.

  • It squeezes your palm as you stroll

  • and secretes small amounts of moisture to imitate sweat.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah. Sure.

  • That's what they're using it for.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When asked to comment, a Japanese scientist said,

  • "Be out in a minute! Don't open --"

  • Hey, guys, I want to mention

  • this week's "Tonight Show" hashtag.

  • It is called #NewThanksgivingTraditions.

  • So if you want to play along, just go on Twitter

  • and tweet out your idea for a new Thanksgiving tradition,

  • updated for 2020.

  • I said, "The turkey now pardons the president."

  • So send in your tweets,

  • use the hashtag #NewThanksgivingTraditions.

  • and we'll show our favorites on the show Thursday night.

  • It will be fun! It's fun to play with you guys.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Speaking of fun, I want to remind everyone

  • to tune in tomorrow night.

  • Tariq is excited about this. Look at this dude.

  • He's freaking out.

  • Something very special is going down.

  • Something never before attempted on network television.

  • No show has ever dared to try such a thing, let alone do it.

  • We're having a pajama party here in the studio.

  • Everyone's going to be wearing pajamas.

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Two pieces, onesies, pants, shorts, whatever you're into.

  • Anything goes.

  • -Commando? -It's a full-on --

  • -Whoa, whoa. -..."Tonight --"

  • It's a full-on "Tonight Show P'Jimmy Jammy Jam."

  • It's all happening tomorrow night, so stay tuned right here.

  • More as the story develops. [ Laughter ]

  • -I told you I am getting my own pajamas.

  • -You said told me -- you whispered something --

  • you said something condescendingly to me

  • in the hallway.

  • We were walking past, and I thought

  • you were going to say "Congrats P'Jimmys," then --

  • -No, I said tomorrow -- versus --

  • P'Jimmys vs. Bad Mamma Jammas.

  • -So you're inventing a new pajamas tonight.

  • -Tonight. -Called Bad Mamma Jammas.

  • -Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • -Mine isn't even out yet and it's for charity

  • and it's a whole thing.

  • -Mine's for charity, too.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -But I did it first, and we didn't even do it yet.

  • I didn't launch mine yet.

  • -Yeah, but yours ain't bad.

  • -What happened? -Bad.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You can't debut yours tomorrow, though.

  • -I mean, what better time to debut my pajama line

  • than at "The Tonight Show Pajama Jammy Jam"?

  • -"P'Jimmy Jammy Jam." -"P'Jimmy Jammy Jam."

  • -Yeah, no, it's not in quotes. It's just out there.

  • -I could really shut it down if I brought Jimmy Jam here,

  • like, tomorrow.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, my God. If you brought Jimmy Jam here...

  • -That's it. -Oh, it'd be

  • a P'Jimmy Jimmy Jam Jam.

  • [ Laughter ] Or a Jimmy --

  • A Jimmy Jam P'Jimmy Jammy Jam. -Yeah.

  • -You could bring, like, Kid 'n Play here as well.

  • -Eh... -Mm.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -All right, I'll leave -- How about...

  • Terry Lewis?

  • -Uh, I mean, you know, he doesn't have --

  • his name doesn't roll off the tongue in the same way.

  • -You rapscallion! Unhand thee now, you fiend!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • All right. Well, anyways, tomorrow night,

  • it's gonna be a little history here.