PUPPET THEATER.

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, THAT WILL MAKE SENSE LATER.

NOW I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD WEEKEND, NOT THAT I AM CONCEDING

THAT THERE WAS A WEEKEND, THAT IS FOR THE COURTS TO DECIDE,

THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, AND

I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN MY VIRAL SEGMENTS:

CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER.

>> HOT BLOODED, CHECK IT AND SEE.

YOU'LL HAVE A FEVER OF A 103!

HAHA, YEAH!

>> Stephen: GET OUT, GET OUT.

>> Stephen: THE BAD IS GETTING WORSE.

THIS WEEK ALONE, THE U.S. ADDED ONE MILLION NEW CORONAVIRUS

CASES.

BUT TOP MAGA SCIENTISTS HAVE A SOLUTION:

>> STOP THE COUNT!

STOP THE COUNT!

STOP THE COUNT!

>> Stephen: AND THE WORST PART IS, THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE WORST,

BECAUSE THE HOLIDAYS ARE APPROACHING.

AS ONE HOSPITAL DIRECTOR WARNED: CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S EVE

PARTIES COULD LEAD TO A "GIANT, INTERGENERATIONAL CLUSTER."

NORMALLY IF YOU WANT TO SEE A GIANT INTERGENERATIONAL CLUSTER,

YOU HAVE TO ASK SANTA FOR PORNHUB PREMIUM.

SO I'VE HEARD.

LOCAL OFFICIALS ARE SCRAMBLING TO STOP THE SPREAD.

LOS ANGELES MAYOR ERIC GARCETTI ISSUED A STATEMENT, TELLING

CITIZENS, "CANCEL THOSE VACATION PLANS RIGHT NOW.

DO NOT SNEAK IN OTHER HOUSEHOLDS FOR THANKSGIVING."

I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SAY THAT SECOND THING IS JUST GOOD ADVICE

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

THERE'S A REASON YOU DON'T HEAR THIS AROUND THE HOLIDAY TABLE;

"OH, MY TURN?

UH, I GUESS I'M THANKFUL THAT YOU LEFT THE BASEMENT DOOR

UNLOCKED."

THANKFULLY, THERE'S ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW STUFF.

FOR INSTANCE, THE C.D.C. IS SUGGESTING AMERICANS HAVE

THANKSGIVING OUTSIDE.

OKAY, LATE NOVEMBER COULD GET LITTLE NIPPY.

SO INSTEAD OF A TURKEY I RECOMMEND SERVING EACH GUEST TWO

CORNISH GAME HENS, ONE FOR EACH HAND.

NOW ONCE YOU ARE OUTSIDE, THE CDC HAS PLENTY OF ADDITIONAL

SAFETY RECOMMENDATIONS SUCH AS USE DISPOSABLE ITEMS.

LIKE UTENSILS.

I'M SORRY, WHY?

DO OTHER PEOPLE SHARE THEIR SILVERWARE AT THANKSGIVING.

NANA COULD YOU PASS THE PEAS, ALSO YOUR FORK, THESE CARROTS

AREN'T THE SAME WITHOUT THE SWEET ZING OF FIXODENT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL.

I DON'T.

CDC ALSO RECOMMENDS BRING YOUR OWN FOOD.

SO JUST TELL YOUR AUNT YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF HER HOT FRUIT

CASSEROLE THIS YEAR BECAUSE IT IS DR. FAUCI'S ORDERS, NO OTHER

REASON, I LOVE HOT FRUIT.

THEY ALSO ADVISE USING SINGLE USE OPTIONS LIKE SALAD DRESSINGS

AND CONDIMENT PACKETS.

I KNEW TRA DREW I KNEW THAT DRAWER OF CONDIMENT

PACKETS WOULD COME IN HANDY.

"UNCLE CARL, HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOES AND A PACKET OF

TERIYAKI SAUCE FROM 1997.

IT'S GOT A PICTURE OF FRASIER ON IT.

REMEMBER FRASIER DAYS AT PANDA EXPRESS?"

SO, HOW DID THINGS GET SO BAD WITH COVID?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, THERE'S A COMPLETE VACUUM OF LEADERSHIP,

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT SUCKS.

IT TURNS OUT HE HAS NOT ATTENDED A CORONAVIRUS TASKFORCE MEETING

IN "AT LEAST FIVE MONTHS."

OKAY, S IT'S NOVEMBER 16, FIVE MONTHS AGO WAS JUNE 16.

I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE OP-ED THAT THE HEAD OF THE

CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MIKE PENCE WROTE IN "THE WALL STREET

JOURNAL?" "THERE ISN'T A CORONAVIRUS

SECOND WAVE."

NO, JUST ONE GIANT TSUNAMI OF CRIMINAL STUPIDITY.

DR. FAUCI TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT DR. FAUCI, EXCUSE ME, OH, THAT

JOKE BACKED UP ON ME.

DR. FAUCI TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE PRESIDENT IS STILL GETTING

VITAL INFORMATION, KIND OF SORT OF.

>> WHEN WE HAVE A TASK >> WHEN WE HAVE OUR TASKFORCE

MEETING, IT'S RUN, AS YOU KNOW, BY VICE PRESIDENT PENCE.

AND THE VICE PRESIDENT THEN TRANSLATES THAT TO THE PRESIDENT

HIMSELF.

>> Stephen: GOD, I WOULD LOVE TO BE A FLY ON THE WALL, OR ON THE

PENCE, WHEN HE TRIED TO TRANSLATE THIS INFORMATION.

(AS PENCE) "MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS DR.

BADNEWS BURGER.

HE HAS SOME INFORMATION TO SHARE WITH YOU."

(SILLY VOICE) "THIS IS AMERICA'S DARKEST HOUR!

HUH-OH-OH!" I'M DELICIOUS.

>> Stephen: WE MIGHT NEED THIS AGAIN.

THAT WAS THE TOUGHEST PART.

THANKFULLY THERE IS SOME GOOD COVID NEWS.

THIS MORE-MING, PHARMACEUTICAL GIANT MODERNA ANNOUNCED THAT

ACCORDING TO PRELIMINARY RESULTS THEIR CORONAVIRUS VACCINE IS

94.5 PERCENT EFFECTIVE.

THE GOOD NEWS IS THERE ARE AT LEAST TWO COVID VACCINES ON THE

HORIZON.

THE BAD NEWS IS THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT LET EVERY AMERICAN HAVE

THEM.

HERE IS WHAT HE SAID ON FRIDAY.

>> AS SOON AS APRIL THE >> AS SOON AS APRIL, THE

VACCINE WILL BE AVAILABLE TO THE ENTIRE GENERAL POPULATION, WITH

THE EXCEPTION OF PLACES LIKE NEW YORK STATE.

>> Stephen: SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THE VACCINE IN NEW JERSEY,

BUT JUST PICK IT UP ON YOUR WAY BACK FROM GETTING YOUR NEW LEGAL

WEED, WHICH PRELIMINARY TESTS SHOW IS 94.5% DANK.

SO THE PRESIDENT IS THREATENING TO WITHHOLD A LIFE-SAVING

VACCINE FROM HIS HOME STATE, BUT DON'T WORRY, HE HAS A GOOD

REASON: GOVERNOR CUOMO HURT HIS FEELINGS.

>> FOR POLITICAL REASONS, THE GOVERNOR DECIDED, THEY SAY-━

AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK IT'S GOOD, POLITICALLY; I THINK

IT'S VERY BAD FROM A HEALTH STANDPOINT-━ BUT HE WANTS TO

TAKE HIS TIME WITH THE VACCINE.

HE DOESN'T TRUST WHERE THE VACCINE IS COMING FROM.

>> Stephen: WHAT THE GOVERNOR ACTUALLY SAID IS THAT NEW YORK,

LIKE CALIFORNIA, NEVADA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON, WANTS TO VERIFY

THE FINDINGS.

FOR SOME REASON, CUOMO DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY TRUST THE GUY WHO

TOLD US TO DRINK BLEACH AND JAM SUNSHINE UP OUR BUTTS.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO WEEKS SINCE THE

ELECTION, AND THE PRESIDENT STILL CAN'T FACE THAT HE LOST.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF OUR SEGMENT

THAT JUST WON'T LEAVE: >> YOU VOTED FOR ME!

YOU VOTED FOR ME!

YOU VOTED FOR ME!

YOU VOTED FOR ME!

>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."

>> YOU VOTED FOR ME!

>> Stephen: WELL, IN A STUNNING RESULT THE PEACH STATE

GEORGIA HAS FINALLY BEEN CALLED MACKING THE ULTIMATE TALLY IN

THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE BIDEN WINNING WITH 306 TO 2326789

COINCIDENTALLY, THE EXACT SAME NUMBER OF ELECTORAL VOTES AS

20167.

SO, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THAT FINAL RESULT?

>> WE WON BY A LANDSLIDE.

A LANDSLIDE.

A LANDSLIDE.

A LANDSLIDE.

A LANDSLIDE.

A TREMENDOUS LANDSLIDE.

>> Stephen: ♪ AND THE LANDSLIDE BROUGHT YOU DOWN ♪

( LAUGHS ) ♪ I ALSO HAD SEX WITH-- THAT IS

RIGHT UP THERE -- WITHOUT IS THE GUITAR CHRISTIE McVEE.

>> SORRY LINDS SEE BUCKINGHAM I HAD SOMETHING W IT WAS VERY

DARK, IT WAS VERY DARK, ALL I KNOW IS MUK FLEETWOOD CAN KEEP

TIME, MAN.

BIDEN, BIDEN FLIPPED FIVE STARTS, GEORGIA, ORAZIETTI

ARIZONA, MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN, JOE FLIPPED

STATES IN THE SUN BELT AND THE RUST BELT.

I GUESS THERE IS NOTHING SUBURBAN WOMEN LIKE MORE THAN A

REVERSIBLE BELT.

FACED WITH THE OVERWHELMING WHAT T

FACED WITH THE OVERWHELMING "WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED,"

YESTERDAY, THE NOW LAME-DUCK PRESIDENT QUACKED, OF JOE BIDEN,

"HE WON BECAUSE THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED."

YOU HAD ME AT "HE WON."

THE REST OF IT I JUST KIND OF GOT ALL WARM AND DREAMY FOR.

BUT THEN, THE DENIER-IN-CHIEF DECLARED BACKSIES, TWEETING,

"I WON THE ELECTION!" THAT IS THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT

OF WAKING UP TO FIND GRANDPA SCREAMING ON THE LAWN.

SCREAMING ON THE LAWN IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

YOU CAN'T GIVE A STANDARD MENTAL COGNITION TEST BECAUSE THE FIRST

QUESTION IS WHO IS THE PRESIDENT.

NOW REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE SOON TO BE NOT PRESIDENT TWEETS, THE

ELECTION IS OVER AND THERE SHOULD BE NO DOUBT ABOUT THE

SECURITY AND FAIRNESS OF THE VOTING IN FACT FEDERAL AND STATE

GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ISSUED A JOINT STATEMENT THURSDAY SAYING

THAT THIS YEAR'S ELECTION WAS THE MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN

HISTORY.

KIND OF IRONIC KIND OF IRONIC, SINCE IT

DEFEATED THE MOST INSECURE PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

BUT ONE MEMBER OF THE ADMINISTRATION IS COMING TO

THEIR SENSES: NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND ANDERSON STUPOR,

ROBERT O'BRIEN.