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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, of course the big story from the weekend

  • is that Joe Biden has been elected the 46th President

  • of the United States. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Yeah. For 75 million Americans,

  • the announcement was like the greatest unboxing video

  • of all time.

  • It's Biden! It's Biden! It's Biden!

  • It's Biden! [ Laughter ]

  • I'll always remember where I was when I heard the news.

  • I was sitting in front of the TV like I had been

  • 24 hours a day for the past five days.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, the election anxiety is finally over,

  • which means our pandemic anxiety is like, "I'm back, baby! Hey!"

  • You can tell things are already getting back to normal.

  • This morning on my way to work I saw two New Yorkers

  • giving each other the finger,

  • and it had nothing to do with politics.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Isn't that great? So sweet.

  • Over the weekend, here in New York City,

  • people were celebrating from Brooklyn to the Bronx to Queens.

  • Look how happy everyone was.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Horns honking ]

  • Yeah. People were spreading so much joy,

  • spreading so much COVID.

  • It was just memorable, to say the least.

  • Meanwhile, Trump's staff told him people were dancing

  • in the streets because Red Lobster brought back

  • Crab Crackin' Mondays.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • It's such a big deal. I mean, Joe Biden will be

  • the 46th President of the United States,

  • and Kamala Harris will be the first woman Vice President.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • This is historic.

  • Right now, the Trump campaign is trying to figure out

  • where it all went wrong.

  • If only they focused more on attacking Biden

  • over the swine flu. [ Light laughter ]

  • I feel like that was really starting to pick up.

  • After days and days of waiting,

  • news anchors couldn't wait to call the election. Watch this.

  • -Joseph R. Biden, Jr. -Joe Biden.

  • -Joe Biden. -Joe Biden.

  • -Joe Biden has been elected President of the United States.

  • He is President-Elect, Joseph Robinette Biden.

  • -Yep, Wolf Blitzer was like, "We waited till Saturday

  • because we knew people would want to go out and get turnt."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, did anyone notice Joe Biden's middle name

  • is Robinette? -Yeah.

  • -Trump wasted 18 months calling him "Sleepy Joe."

  • "Robinette" was right there! I mean, you could --

  • [ Light laughter ] Well, on Saturday night,

  • President-Elect Biden addressed the nation

  • from Wilmington, Delaware. Watch this.

  • -I pledge to be a president who seeks not to divide,

  • but unify, who doesn't see red states and blue states,

  • only sees the United States.

  • Let us be the nation that we know we can be --

  • a nation united, a nation strengthened,

  • a nation healed.

  • -Americans are so damaged from the past four years,

  • everyone was like, "When is he gonna call someone an idiot?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When he is he going to insult somebody?

  • Come on, spice it up, man!

  • That's a very different presidential speech

  • than we're used to.

  • White supremacists were like, "No shout out?

  • What the hell, man?" [ Laughter ]

  • [ People groaning ]

  • Of course, Biden was joined on stage by his running mate,

  • Kamala Harris, who, as I mentioned,

  • made history of her own. Listen to this.

  • -Kamala Harris will be the first female Vice President,

  • the first Black Vice President,

  • and the first Asian-American Vice President.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Republicans aren't panicking.

  • They were like, "Well, at least she's married

  • to a white guy named Doug. [ Light laughter ]

  • We can relate to that. Right, guys?"

  • That's right. Kamala Harris will be taking over for Mike Pence.

  • It's rare these days for a human to take over the job of a robot.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is interesting -- In the hours after the race was called,

  • several people left messages on Trump's voicemail to share

  • their thoughts on the historic election.

  • And we were able to get our hands on some of the messages.

  • Yeah. Check these out.

  • [ Beep ] -Two things --

  • Our legal strategy isn't working.

  • And I locked myself in the toilet again.

  • [ Beep ] -I wish I could feel sympathy,

  • but because of you, my wife calls me

  • "Low Energy Jeb" in bed.

  • [ Beep ] -Call if you ever need to talk.

  • But not too late, mother and I turn in at 7:00

  • after watching Animal Planet.

  • [ Beep ] [ Numbers dialing ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Beep ] -[ Chuckling ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Beep ]

  • -And this was maybe the craziest story of the whole campaign.

  • On Saturday, Trump tweeted that his legal team

  • was holding an event at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yes!

  • -And nobody knows what happened,

  • but the event was actually at a place called

  • "Four Seasons Total Landscaping."

  • Check out Rudy Giuliani at the podium of the Four --

  • And that's Trump's best lawyer.

  • Trump saw that, and he was like,

  • [ As Trump ] Ugh, did he get fooled by Borat again?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Normal voice ] The press conference was located next to

  • a sex shop and a crematorium.

  • Honestly, that's about where you'd expect Giuliani

  • to have a law office.

  • When Rudy walked into Four Seasons Landscaping,

  • everyone was like, "The sex shop is one over."

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Here's another giant story. Today Pfizer announced

  • that they might be close to a COVID vaccine. Check it out.

  • -In what could be a potential breakthrough

  • in the battle against COVID, a vaccine developed by Pfizer

  • and BioNTech has shown a 90% efficacy rate

  • in a trial with more than 43,000 participants.

  • -And this is crazy.

  • You're not gonna believe what the vaccine is --

  • sunlight and bleach.

  • [ Laughter ] That's gotta sting. Right?

  • That's gotta sting. How much does this burn Trump?

  • That's like your wife divorcing you, and then the next day,

  • she wins the Powerball.

  • And then marries Timothee Chalamet.

  • Yeah, a vaccine could be on the way.

  • Americans were excited until they realized it means

  • they'll have to attend 50 weddings in June.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, when the vaccine news broke,

  • the CEO of Zoom said "Mother[bleep]--"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • In response to the news from Pfizer and the results

  • of the election, the stock market opened the week

  • with a record-breaking day.

  • Seriously, markets are up, a vaccine's on the way.

  • If Biden wins the Nobel Prize,

  • Trump's gonna have a nervous breakdown.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is crazy! It's like the 2020 dam busted

  • and all the good news started spilling out.

  • Look, I'm not superstitious, but all of this good stuff

  • started happening when ABC switched Bachelorettes.

  • I'm just saying.

  • I am not a conspiracy theorist.

  • Back to the President-Elect, Biden is not wasting any time.

  • Today he announced the members of his Coronavirus Task Force.

  • Watch this.

  • -Joe Biden is rolling out his COVID Task Force.

  • The 13-member panel will be co-chaired by Vivek Murthy,

  • David Kessler, and Dr. Marcella Nunez-Smith.

  • The team also includes Dr. Rick Bright,

  • who filed a whistle-blower complaint against

  • the Trump administration for its handling of the pandemic.

  • -Yeah, and unlike Trump's Coronavirus Task Force,

  • Biden said they won't begin each meeting by shouting,

  • "Science is the devil's playground!

  • All right. Let's begin."

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Trump is still president, and he's making

  • the most of the time he has left.

  • -President Trump tweeted that he has fired

  • Defense Secretary Mark Esper.

  • This is the first of what we anticipate could be

  • many shakeups around the president

  • in the wake of his loss.

  • -When most people are feeling down, they cheer themselves up

  • with a bottle of wine, maybe a gift on Amazon.

  • Trump fires the Secretary of Defense.

  • Right now at the White House, it's like a liquidation sale.

  • Also, what does Mark Esper care?

  • At this point, it's like getting fired from Quibi.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • And finally, even though Biden gave his victory speech

  • and the transition is under way, Trump still hasn't conceded.

  • And I read that White House staffers are trying to

  • figure out who should be the one to tell him it's over.

  • People thought it might be Jared Kushner or Ivanka,

  • but today they finally found the perfect person

  • to deliver the news. Watch this.

  • ♪♪

  • -You just lost.

  • And now you feel the sensation of losing.

  • Really, for the first time. How does it feel?

  • You just come in here with that negative attitude.

  • Okay. Okay. Okay.

  • I think what happened was disgraceful.

  • It should never have happened. You're fired.

  • I doubt it. I doubt it. I really doubt it.

  • Just go!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -We have a great show! Give it up for The Roots, everybody!

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Let's get to the news and jokes.

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Joe Biden Beats Donald Trump in 2020 Election | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/16
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