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  • >> Stephen: HELLO!

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M THE LUCK JUST MAN ON TELEVISION.

  • JULIE ANDREWS IS WITH US TONIGHT.

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY.

  • TO REMEMBER THIS, I WROTE IT DOWN.

  • BUT IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE'S REMEMBERING THIS YEAR BECAUSE

  • EARLY TURNOUT IS AT RECORD LEVELS AND ACCORDING TO

  • ODDS-MAKERS, THE 2020 ELECTION IS THE

  • MOST BET-ON EVENT IN HISTORY.

  • THAT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

  • ARE THE STAKES NOT HIGH ENOUGH ALREADY, THAT YOU'VE GOT TO BET

  • ON IT, TOO?

  • THAT'S LIKE YOUR SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR SAYING:

  • (AS INSTRUCTOR) "BEFORE WE JUMP, ANYONE WANT TO

  • PLACE A BET ON WHETHER THE CHUTE OPENS?

  • TEN BUCKS, LET'S MAKE IT INTERESTING."

  • NOW, COVID-19 IS THE BIGGEST ISSUE IN THIS ELECTION, NEXT TO

  • DADDY ISSUES.

  • AND COVID CASES ARE EXPLODING ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, WHICH

  • BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF OUR

  • POSSIBLY-RUNNING-'TIL-2022 SEGMENT, "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:

  • ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • LET ME WASH OVER YOU!

  • OH, OH, SICK!

  • AAAHHH!

  • GET OUT, GET OUT!

  • CURRENTLY, CASES ARE RISING IN MORE THAN 40 STATES, AND WHEN IT

  • COMES TO THE WEST AND MIDWEST, THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE WARNS

  • OF "UNRELENTING, BROAD COMMUNITY SPREAD."

  • ALSO THE THEME OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN RALLIES.

  • AS THE CAMPAIGN DRAWS TO A CLOSE, TRUMP AND BIDEN ARE

  • PUSHING OPPOSING PANDEMIC STRATEGIES.

  • BIDEN IS PUSHING VIRAL CONTAINMENT, WHILE TRUMP IS

  • PUSHING YOUR GRANDMA INTO TRAFFIC.

  • THE DIFFERENCES ARE EVIDENT IN THEIR STUMP SPEECHES.

  • HERE'S BIDEN YESTERDAY IN THE SWING STATE OF WILMINGTON,

  • DELAWARE: >> EVEN IF I WIN, IT IS GOING TO

  • TAKE A LOT OF HARD WORK TO END THIS PANDEMIC.

  • I AM NOT RUNNING ON A FALSE PROMISE OF BEING ABLE TO END

  • THIS PANDEMIC BY FLIPPING A SWITCH.

  • >> STEPHEN: HE'S RIGHT.

  • WE'RE NOT GOING TO END THIS PANDEMIC BY FLIPPING A SWITCH.

  • WE'RE GOING TO DO IT BY PULLING A LEVER.

  • AND THEN FLIPPING THE BIRD.

  • MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S PLATFORM CONSISTS OF NOTHING BUT FALSE

  • PROMISES: >> A SAFE VACCINE IS COMING VERY

  • QUICKLY.

  • YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE IT MOMENTARILY.

  • >> STEPHEN: MOMENTARILY.

  • THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL YOU WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG TIME,

  • BUT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO WALK OUT OF THE OLIVE GARDEN.

  • IN FACT, WHEN YOU CALL THE C.D.C., YOU GET THIS MESSAGE:

  • >> THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE C.D.C., YOUR LUNGS ARE IMPORTANT

  • TO US.

  • PLEASE REMAIN LOCKED IN YOUR HOUSE AND THE VACCINE WILL BE

  • WITH YOU IN THE ORDER IN WHICH YOU WERE DISEASED.

  • >> STEPHEN: TRUMP ASSURED HIS SUPPORTERS THE PANDEMIC IS

  • ALMOST OVER: >> WE'RE ROUNDING THE TURN

  • REGARDLESS.

  • NORMAL LIFE WILL FULLY RESUME.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE WANT, RIGHT?

  • NORMAL LIFE.

  • WE JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE, LIKE WE HAD SEVEN MONTHS AGO.

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, I MISS THOSE PRE-PANDEMIC DAYS OF WAKING UP

  • TO FIND OUT WHAT COUNTRY HE HAD BLACKMAILED, WHICH PORN STAR HE

  • HAD PAID OFF, AND WHICH HURRICANE HE WAS THREATENING

  • TO NUKE.

  • YOU KNOW, NORMAL.

  • TRUMP THINKS THAT THE WAY FORWARD IS TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING

  • CALLED HERD IMMUNITY, A TERRIBLE IDEA WHERE THE MAJORITY OF THE

  • POPULATION CATCHES THE DISEASE, MILLIONS DIE, BUT THOSE WHO

  • SURVIVE WILL BE ABLE TO WALK AMONG US SAFELY, AS TRUMP

  • DEMONSTRATED WITH FELLOW SUPER-SPREADER, RAND PAUL:

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • HERE'S TO IMMUNITY!

  • >> TO IMMUNE PEOPLE!

  • (LAUGHS) ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, THE IMMUNE PEOPLE.

  • SUPER DOUCHES WHO DON'T CARE IF YOU LIVE OR DIE.

  • THEY'RE THE "ECHH MEN!" THANK YOU MADD MAGAZINE.

  • STRANGELY, TRUMP'S BLATANT DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE SEEMS

  • TO BE HURTING HIM WITH THE KEY DEMOGRAPHIC OF HUMANS.

  • THE LATEST ABC NEWS/"WASHINGTON POST"/P.F. CHANG'S GREAT WALL OF

  • CHOCOLATE POLL SHOWS THAT BIDEN IS LEADING TRUMP BY 17 POINTS IN

  • WISCONSIN.

  • 17?

  • TRUMP DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THAT LEAD, OR

  • START DATING IT.

  • ( "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ) >> HE WISHES YOU WELL

  • GHISLAINE!

  • >> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT JUST WISCONSIN.

  • TRUMP IS PLAYING CATCH-UP IN LOTS OF STATES HE WON IN 2016.

  • EVEN THOUGH TRUMP WON IT FOUR YEARS AGO, BIDEN HOLDS A 48-44

  • LEAD IN ARIZONA.

  • BUT IT'S A DRY LEAD.

  • ANYWAY, YESTERDAY, TRUMP HELD A RALLY IN THE COPPER STATE, WHICH

  • I AM BEING TOLD ARIZONA IS, AND HE RAILED AGAINST THE AUTHOR OF

  • THE 2018 ANONYMOUS "NEW YORK TIMES" OP-ED, SAYING TRUMP WAS

  • OUT OF CONTROL, WHO WE FOUND OUT YESTERDAY WAS SOME GUY.

  • >> HE WROTE A PHONY BOOK, WHICH IF YOU HEARD ABOUT ANONYMOUS, IT

  • WAS LIKE SOMEBODY THAT WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

  • I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN HOPE HICKS, WHO IS RIGHT THERE.

  • I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN JARED.

  • I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MIKE LEE.

  • I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH.

  • I WAS EXTREMELY WORRIED ABOUT RAND PAUL.

  • MAYBE IT WAS RAND.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S A WEIRD UNFORCED ERROR.

  • (AS TRUMP) "NOW THAT THE MYSTERY'S SOLVED,

  • I WANT TO MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR: I DON'T TRUST MY

  • SON-IN-LAW, OR ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AROUND ME.

  • THEY ALL KNOW THINGS THAT, IF THEY SPILLED THEIR GUTS, I'D BE

  • GONE IN A MINUTE.

  • IT'S A NEST OF HIGHLY KNOWLEDGABLE VIPERS.

  • AND I AM JUST SO THANKFUL NONE OF THEM HAS A CONSCIENCE OR I

  • WOULD BE IN REAL TROUBLE.

  • TRUMP WASN'T ALONE.

  • HE ALSO BROUGHT SOME SPECIAL GUESTS, LIKE MINORITY LEADER,

  • KEVIN MCCARTHY, WHO FANTASIZED ABOUT TAKING BACK THE HOUSE:

  • >> I WANT YOU TO WATCH NANCY PELOSI HAND ME THAT GAVEL, AND I

  • PROMISE YOU THIS, I WON'T BANG HER WITH IT, BUT I'LL BANG THE

  • END TO THE SOCIALISM.

  • >> STEPHEN: KEVIN, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHO OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING

  • TO BANG, OKAY?

  • WE ALSO DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU LICKING COMMUNISM, OR HOW

  • MEDICARE FOR ALL IS "GOING DOWN."

  • IT'S CORONAVIRUS, OKAY?

  • STAY HOME AND BANG YOUR OWN GAVEL.

  • WITH THE ZOOM OFF.

  • TRUMP ALSO WELCOMED UP ARIZONA SENATOR MARTHA MCSALLY.

  • THEY HAVE A TRICKY RELATIONSHIP.

  • BECAUSE TRUMP ISN'T TOO POPULAR IN ARIZONA, SHE'S BEEN HESITANT

  • TO FULLY ENDORSE HIM.

  • LET'S SEE IF HE NOTICED: >> MARTHA MCSALLY.

  • MARTHA.

  • ( CHEERS ) GREAT.

  • GREAT, MARTHA, GREAT.

  • MARTHA, COME UP.

  • JUST FAST.

  • QUICK, QUICK.

  • FAST.

  • FAST, COME ON, QUICK.

  • YOU GOT ONE MINUTE.

  • ONE MINUTE, MARTHA.

  • THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS MARTHA, COME ON, LET'S GO.

  • QUICK, QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS RUDE BUT ALSO KIND OF REFRESHING.

  • USUALLY, IT'S THE WOMAN WHO'S TELLING TRUMP TO HURRY UP AND

  • GET IT OVER WITH.

  • TRUMP REALLY HAS A LOT OF TERRITORY TO DEFEND, BECAUSE

  • "JOE BIDEN IS MAKING A LATE STAGE PLAY FOR TEXAS."

  • (AS BIDEN) "THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GOIN' FOR

  • IT, JACK!

  • EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS!

  • REMEMBER THE ALAMO...

  • ALSO, REMEMBER WHERE I PUT MY GLASSES-- NEVER MIND, THEY'RE IN

  • FRONT OF MY EYES.

  • ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK.

  • COME ON!" GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BIG TOAST,

  • HUH?

  • JOE COULD GET TEXAS!

  • THAT WOULD BE SO UNEXPECTED, BUT SO GREAT!

  • LIKE IF BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA BECAME A REAL COUPLE.

  • WE ALL WANTED IT SO BAD!

  • THEY ALMOST KISSED AT THE OSCARS!

  • THEY COULD'VE DANCED TO "SHALLOW" AT THEIR OWN WEDDING!

  • COME ON, I'M OFF THE DEEP END!

  • THAT DEEP END LINE GOT ADDED AFTER I LEFT THE ROOM.

  • I LIKE IT BUT THAT CAME AS A SURPRISE.

  • BUT IF BIDEN DOESN'T SNAG TEXAS, THE ELECTORAL MAP COULD COME

  • DOWN TO PENNSYLVANIA, WHICH IS WHY TRUMP IS MAKING A HUGE

  • EFFORT THERE TO GET OUT THE VOTE.

  • I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT.

  • UH, "THROW OUT" THE VOTE.

  • BECAUSE, TRAILING IN THE POLLS "IN PENNSYLVANIA, TRUMP'S

  • CAMPAIGN IS TRYING TO MAKE VOTING HARDER."

  • AND IT'S ALREADY HARD ENOUGH THERE.

  • IN SOME PARTS OF PENNSYLVANIA, THERE'S NOSE-TO-TAIL BUGGY

  • TRAFFIC BEFORE YOU EVEN GET TO THE VOTING BARN.

  • WHICH YOU HAVE TO RAISE!

  • TRUMP'S TEAM IS TRYING TO STOP THE STATE FROM COUNTING ABSENTEE

  • AND MAIL-IN VOTES, PRESENTING GARBAGE EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD

  • LIKE THIS.

  • DURING THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, A MAN NAMED ADAM GOODMAN POSTED

  • THIS PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM, IN WHICH HE PROUDLY HELD UP TWO

  • MAIL-IN BALLOTS OUTSIDE A DROP BOX.

  • AH-HAH?

  • UH-UH.

  • BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE BELONGED TO HIS HUSBAND, STANDING OUT OF

  • FRAME.

  • NEVERTHELESS, HE SOON FOUND THAT THE PICTURE HAD BEEN INCLUDED IN

  • LITIGATION THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN FILED AGAINST PHILADELPHIA.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SCANNING INSTAGRAM TO TRY TO SHUT DOWN

  • VOTING.

  • (AS LAWYER) "YOUR HONOR, AS YOU CAN SEE IN

  • EXHIBIT A, JUST BEFORE HALLOWEEN, THE DEFENDANT'S DOG

  • PUT ON A CLEVER ASTRONAUT DISGUISE, OBVIOUSLY IN ORDER TO

  • VOTE ILLEGALLY FROM DOG-SPACE."

  • FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT TUESDAY'S UPCOMING ELECTION?

  • AS I AM?

  • WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

  • ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, NEARLY 70% OF U.S. ADULTS SAY

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS A SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF STRESS.

  • IT'S OKAY.

  • JUST TAKE DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS TO FORGET ABOUT THIS ELECTION

  • AND START FOCUSING ON HOW MUCH CORONAVIRUS YOU JUST INHALED.

  • AND DEMOCRATS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WORRIED.

  • ACCORDING TO ONE MENTAL HEALTH EXPERT, ALTHOUGH THE SPECIFIC

  • CONCERNS DO DIFFER BASED ON POLITICAL LEANING, THE FEELINGS

  • THAT ARE COMING UP DON'T.

  • WHICH IS WHY THERE'S SUDDENLY A GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT FOR THIRD

  • PARTY TICKET, PROZAC-AMBIEN 2020: MAKE AMERICA WHAT WERE

  • WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?

  • THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE IN THE OLD SQUIRREL CAGE.

  • OH, WAIT.

  • WHAT AM I READING?

  • WHO ARE YOU?

  • WHY AM I NOT IN THE THEATER?

  • WHAT'S GOING ON?

  • TWO RESEARCHERS HAVE DEVELOPED A MEASURE CALLED THE POLITICAL

  • STRESS INDICATOR, WHICH IS ACTUALLY HIGHER NOW THAN IT WAS

  • BEFORE THE CIVIL WAR.

  • MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE SO CLOSE TO A CIVIL WAR THAT KEN BURNS IS

  • ALREADY MAKING THE DOCUMENTARY: ♪

  • ♪ >> MY DEAREST MARTHA, HOW I MISS

  • YOU.

  • I HAVE SPENT SEVEN LONG MONTHS IN MARINARA-STAINED SWEATPANTS,

  • UNABLE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.

  • I'M PASSING THE HOURS WORRYING ABOUT UNDECIDED VOTERS IN

  • CENTRAL FLORIDA AND DOOM-SCROLLING ON TWITTER.

  • SEND NUDES, EGGPLANT EMOJI, PEACH EMOJI.

  • >> STEPHEN: BUT IF YOU'RE FEELING HOPELESS, THERE MIGHT BE

  • ANOTHER WAY TO PERK UP.

  • EXPERTS SAY THAT IT MAY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE TO FOCUS ON ACTION,

  • SHIFTING THE QUESTION FROM "SHOULD I HOPE?" TO "WHAT CAN I

  • DO?" WHAT YOU CAN DO IS VOTE.

  • AND IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT HOW, WHETHER IT'S HANDING IN YOUR

  • ABSENTEE BALLOT, IN PERSON AT THIS POINT, PLEASE, OR VOTING

  • EARLY, OR VOTING IN PERSON ON ELECTION DAY, VISIT OUR WEBSITE

  • BETTERKNOWABALLOT.COM, WHERE YOU CAN FIND OUT HOW TO VOTE IN YOUR

  • STATE.

  • DO IT QUICK.

  • YOU ONLY HAVE FIVE DAYS LEFT.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, JULIE ANDREWS IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, BIDEN LEADS IN THE POLLS.

  • WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

  • STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: HELLO!

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As Trump And Biden Push Opposing Covid Strategies, This Election May Determine The Pandemic's Path

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/14
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