I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

OH, WHAT A STRANGE AND TROUBLING WORLD SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE IT

TO BE.

YESTERDAY, I WAS POURING CHAMPAGNE TO TOAST THE NEW

ADMINISTRATION, AND TODAY-- I WILL CUT YOU!

IF YOU COME NEAR ME, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME CRAZY ( BLEEP )

GOING ON OUT THERE!

ON MONDAY, OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER PRESIDENT, CITING BASELESS

CHARGES OF NONEXISTENT FRAUD, INSTRUCTED GOVERNMENT

LEADERS TO BLOCK COOPERATION WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN'S

TRANSITION TEAM.

HERE'S THE THING: PEACEFUL TRANSITIONS ARE IMPORTANT.

YOU DON'T SEE ME STARTING THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT GETTING IN A

KNIFE FIGHT WITH DAVE LETTERMAN.

I WOULDN'T DARE!

THE GUY'S GOT THE REACH!

THOSE HOOSIERS ARE SCRAPPY!

FUN FACT: IT WAS EXACTLY FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY THAT BARACK

OBAMA SAT DOWN WITH THE THEN-PRESIDENT- ELECT, AND YOU

COULD TELL OBAMA WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

THAT PICTURE IS SO WEIRD.

REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE TOUCHED EACH OTHER?

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT WHO IS UNDERMINING CONFIDENCE IN

OUR ELECTIONS, SO IS SENATE MAJORITY LEADER

MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE DROPPING A LIVE MOUSE INTO

LINDSAY GRAHAM'S CAGE.

AFTER BEING NONCOMMITTAL ABOUT THE WHOLE "PRESIDENT FOR LIFE"

THING, YESTERDAY McCONNELL ASSURED A WORRIED NATION "IT'LL

PROBABLY BE OKAY."

>> OUR INSTITUTIONS ARE ACTUALLY BUILT FOR THIS.

WE HAVE THE SYSTEM IN PLACE TO CONSIDER CONCERNS, AND PRESIDENT

TRUMP IS 100% WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO LOOK INTO ALLEGATIONS OF

IRREGULARITIES AND WEIGH HIS LEGAL OPTIONS.

>> Stephen: ALL HE'S SAYING IS THAT, YES, PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED

ABOUT THAT STICK OF DYNAMITE, BUT THE PRESIDENT IS FULLY

WITHIN HIS LEGAL RIGHTS TO LIGHT THE FUSE, OKAY.

SCISSORS ARE IN PLACE TO CUT THE FUSE IF IT GETS TOO CLOSE, OKAY?

GREAT, WHO'S GOT THE SCISSORS?

OH, WAIT, WE GAVE THEM TO THE PRESIDENT.

I'M SURE HE'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.

SO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS BACKING THE PRESIDENT, NOT

BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BUT BECAUSE

THEY ARE AFRAID OF MAKING HIM MAD, BECAUSE THEY NEED HIS BASE.

AND THEY JUSTIFY ALL THAT LIKE THIS:

"WHAT IS THE DOWNSIDE FOR HUMORING HIM FOR THIS LITTLE BIT

OF TIME?

NO ONE SERIOUSLY THINKS THE RESULTS WILL CHANGE."

SHOULD OUR ENTIRE POLITICAL SYSTEM BE ARRANGED TO SALVE THE

FEELINGS OF THE GUY WHO LOST.

YOU NEVER SAW TRUMAN HOLD UP A NEWSPAPER THAT SAID "DEWEY

DEFEATS TRUMAN.

LET HIM HAVE THIS ONE FOR A FEW WEEKS.

HE NEEDS IT."

THIS AFTERNOON, WE EXPLORED THE DOWNSIDE OF HUMORING THE

PRESIDENT, THANKS TO SECRETARY OF STATE AND DARKEST TIMELINE

VERSION OF THE DAD FROM "WONDER YEARS," MIKE POMPEO.

A REPORTER ASKED SECRETARY OF STATE POMPEO WHETHER THE

ADMINISTRATION'S FOOT-DRAGGING WOULD ENDANGER NATIONAL

SECURITY.

HERE'S WHAT HE SAID: >> THERE WILL BE A SMOOTH

TRANSITION TO A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.

RIGHT?

>> Stephen: NO, WRONG.

FIRST, THERE WON'T BE A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, UNLESS

TIFFANY WINS IN 2032 WITH THE SLOGAN, "MAKE AMERICA 'MAKE

AMERICA GREAT AGAIN' AGAIN."

SECONDLY, NOTHING THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS EVER DONE HAS

BEEN SMOOTH.

HE COULDN'T EVEN MANAGE A SMOOTH TRANSITION FROM STAGE TO GROUND

LEVEL.

THIRD, YOUR GUY LOST.

FOURTH, IF THAT WAS A JOKE, YOU JUST BOMBED SO HARD YOU VIOLATED

THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

THIS IS DANGEROUS.

HE'S THE SECRETARY OF STATE.

HE REPRESENTS AMERICA TO OTHER COUNTRIES WHO JUST GOT THE

MESSAGE THAT MAYBE THE GUY WHO LOST ISN'T GOING TO LEAVE.

YOU KNOW ALL THOSE DICTATORS YOU VISITED, MR. SECRETARY?

THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE AN INTERNSHIP.

AND POMPEO'S NOT THE ONLY ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL

INDULGING THE PRESIDENT'S BEAUTIFUL DARK, TWISTED

FANTASIES.

SO IS ATTORNEY GENERAL AND JACKASS-O'-LANTERN, BILL BARR.

YESTERDAY, BARR BROKE WITH DECADES OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

POLICIES INTENDED TO KEEP LAW ENFORCEMENT FROM AFFECTING THE

OUTCOME OF AN ELECTION, WHEN HE SENT A MEMO INSTRUCTING FEDERAL

PROSECUTORS THAT THEY COULD INVESTIGATE "SPECIFIC

ALLEGATIONS" OF VOTER FRAUD BEFORE THE RESULTS OF THE

PRESIDENTIAL RACE ARE CERTIFIED.

SO FEDERAL OFFICIALS ARE NOW PLANNING TO INTERVENE IN OUR

ELECTION AT THE REQUEST OF THEIR LEADER.

THAT ALSO HAS A BIT OF AN INTERNATIONAL FEEL, DOESN'T IT?

DURING COVID, THIS IS THE CLOSEST WE'RE GETTING TO A

VACATION.

( AS TOURIST ) "SUCH A FASCINATING COUNTRY!

I'M GOING TO DRINK COFFEE IN LITTLE CUPS, ORDER A CROISSANT,

POOP STANDING UP, AND JUST ENJOY THE COUP D'ETAT."

BARR'S MOVE WAS SO EGREGIOUS, IT LED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

OFFICIAL WHO OVERSEES INVESTIGATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD,

RICHARD PILGER, A CAREER PROSECUTOR IN THE D.O.J.'S

PUBLIC INTEGRITY SECTION, TO STEP DOWN FROM THE POST WITHIN

HOURS.

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THE GUY FROM THE "PUBLIC INTEGRITY

SECTION" QUIT.

IT'S LIKE MANAGING A RESTAURANT AND GETTING A LETTER OF

RESIGNATION FROM YOUR "RAT TURD REMOVER."

EVEN WORSE, BARR ADMITS THAT HE DID NOT SEE MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD,

AND THAT MOST OF THE ALLEGATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD WERE RELATED TO

INDIVIDUAL INSTANCES THAT DID NOT POINT TO A LARGER SYSTEMIC

PROBLEM.

BUT THAT HAS NOT STOPPED HIM FROM ORDERING INVESTIGATIONS

IT'S LIKE THOSE SIGNS IN THE SUBWAY: "IF YOU SEE NOTHING,

KEEP LOOKING UNTIL YOU CAN PRETEND IT'S SOMETHING."

SO BARR'S TAKING AMERICA ON A FISHING EXPEDITION, AND I THINK

DEMOCRACY'S FREDO.

SPECIFICALLY, BARR WANTS TO LOOK INTO INELIGIBLE VOTERS IN NEVADA

AND BACK-DATED MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA, CLAIMS THAT

REPUBLICANS HAVE CIRCULATED IN RECENT DAYS WITHOUT ANY

EVIDENCE.

NOW THE D.O.J. IS JUST CHASING DOWN URBAN LEGENDS THAT GET

PASSED AROUND THE INTERNET.

GET READY FOR THEIR NEW "TASK FORCE TO CATCH THE SLENDERMAN."

HOT TIP: HE'S MARRIED TO IVANKA!

NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR: THERE IS NOTHING TO ANY OF THESE

CHARGES. SO FAR.

SOY FAR THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOOSE EGG FOR 10 IN EVERY

LAWSUITS THEY HAVE BROUGHT.

IN MICHIGAN, THEY COMPLAINED THAT THE COUNTING OF ABSENTEE

BALLOTS WAS FRAUDULENT, BUT IN COURT, THEY COULD NOT PROVIDE

EVIDENCE OF WRONGDOING.

INSTEAD, REPUBLICANS SAID THEY HAD "INFORMATION AND BELIEF."

"YOUR HONOR, WE SHOULDN'T NEED EVIDENCE TO BELIEVE.

FRAUD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS."

IN ANOTHER MICHIGAN CASE, A REPUBLICAN ELECTION OBSERVER

SAID SHE HAD RECEIVED ALLEGATIONS OF IMPROPER VOTE

COUNTING ON A STICKY NOTE BY AN UNNAMED POLL WORKER.

YES, ALL AMERICANS MUST BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE ELECTORAL

THEFT FROM THE ARCH-CRIMINAL "DEB'S YOGURT, DO NOT TOUCH."

ALSO IN PENNSYLVANIA, G.O.P.

LAWYERS COMPLAINED THAT THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY ELECTION OBSERVERS

IN THE BALLOT COUNT.

BUT AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER WAS FORCED TO ADMIT THAT

THEY HAD "A NONZERO NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM," THE JUDGE

REPLIED, "I'M SORRY, THEN WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.

( AS LAWYER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT HAS BOTH

A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND THE NUCLEAR

FOOTBALL.

I'D LIKE TO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE, MY POOP-FILLED PANTS."

IN ARIZONA, G.O.P. SUPPORTERS ALLEGED THAT VOTE TABULATORS

WERE THROWN OFF BY THE USE OF SHARPIE PENS AND, THEREFORE,

DISQUALIFIED LARGE NUMBERS OF VOTES.

WHAT?

SHARPIES AREN'T RELIABLE?

YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT HURRICANE DIDN'T

REALLY HIT ALABAMA.

IT TURNS OUT, SHARPIE PENS ARE, IN FACT, THE BEST WRITING

INSTRUMENT TO USE WITH THE MACHINES BECAUSE OF THEIR

FAST-DRY INK, SO THE VOTERS WHO FILED THAT SHARPIE SUIT HAVE

DROPPED THAT ONE AND ARE INTERVENING IN THE NEW CASE

FILED BY THE CAMPAIGN.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BEEN HUFFING THE BLACK PONY.

( INHALES DEEPLY ) "I'LL SUE ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"

GET BACK!" THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ISN'T THE

ONLY THREAT TO OUR NATION RIGHT NOW.

ON MONDAY, THE U.S. PASSED 10 MILLION TOTAL COVID CASES--

UNLESS RUDY GIULIANI SAYS THAT HALF OF THOSE CASES WERE

ILLEGAL.

CHECK WITH YOUR LOCAL LANDSCAPER.

BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE.

BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, PFIZER ANNOUNCED THEY WERE MAKING

HEADWAY ON A POTENTIAL COVID VACCINE.

AND ESTERDAY, THE F.D.A.

GRANTED EMERGENCY APPROVAL TO A SYNTHETIC ANTIBODY TREATMENT

DEVELOPED BY ELI LILLY CALLED-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

"BAMLANIVIMAB."

"BAMLANIVIMAB."

THAT IS A TOFFEE.

THE HARD PART IS THE "VIMAB."

"BAMLANIVIMAB."

WHY WOULD YOU NAME IT THAT?

IT SOUNDS LIKE A RESEARCHER JUST DROPPED A SLICE OF PIZZA ON HER

LAPTOP.

SOUNDS LIKE A MONSTER FROM "LOVECRAFT COUNTRY."

IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHARMING IKEA CREDENZA THAT GOES BEAUTIFULLY

WITH YOUR "FARLOV."

( LAUGHTER ) THE DRUG LOOKS PROMISING.

IN CLINICAL TRIALS, IT HAS BEEN SHOWN TO REDUCE VIRAL LOADS AND

RATES OF SYMPTOMS AND HOSPITALIZATION.

OF COURSE, THAT'S NOT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THE INCREASE IN

HOSPITALIZATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO CHOKE ON THEIR TONGUES TRYING

TO SAY "BAMLANIVIMAB."

BUT THERE IS A HOPEFUL DEVELOPMENT IN OUR FIGHT AGAINST

THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC, SO ELI LILLY IS EXCITED TO GET THE WORD

OUT ABOUT THEIR NEW DRUG.

>> IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH

COVID-19.

JOSH LYMAN IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE NEW TREATMENT BAMLANIVIMAB.

IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS AND ARE

OVER 12, THEN BAMLANIVIMAB MIGHT BE FOR YOU.

SIDE EFFECTS OF... INCLUDE NAUSEA, DIARRHEA, HEADACHE, AND

CONFUSION ABOUT WHY ON EARTH A COMPANY PICKED THIS NAME.

PATIENTS SHOULD NOT TAKE BAMLANIVIMAB IF THEY ARE

ALLERGIC TO...

SO ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT-- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST INJECT

BLEACH.

THIS IS WHY I WANTED THE ZIRTEK GIG.

>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

HUGH GRANT IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

BAMLANIVIMAB.