Subtitles section Play video
>> Stephen: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
OH, WHAT A STRANGE AND TROUBLING WORLD SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE IT
TO BE.
YESTERDAY, I WAS POURING CHAMPAGNE TO TOAST THE NEW
ADMINISTRATION, AND TODAY-- I WILL CUT YOU!
IF YOU COME NEAR ME, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME CRAZY ( BLEEP )
GOING ON OUT THERE!
ON MONDAY, OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER PRESIDENT, CITING BASELESS
CHARGES OF NONEXISTENT FRAUD, INSTRUCTED GOVERNMENT
LEADERS TO BLOCK COOPERATION WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN'S
TRANSITION TEAM.
HERE'S THE THING: PEACEFUL TRANSITIONS ARE IMPORTANT.
YOU DON'T SEE ME STARTING THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT GETTING IN A
KNIFE FIGHT WITH DAVE LETTERMAN.
I WOULDN'T DARE!
THE GUY'S GOT THE REACH!
THOSE HOOSIERS ARE SCRAPPY!
FUN FACT: IT WAS EXACTLY FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY THAT BARACK
OBAMA SAT DOWN WITH THE THEN-PRESIDENT- ELECT, AND YOU
COULD TELL OBAMA WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
THAT PICTURE IS SO WEIRD.
REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE TOUCHED EACH OTHER?
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT WHO IS UNDERMINING CONFIDENCE IN
OUR ELECTIONS, SO IS SENATE MAJORITY LEADER
MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE DROPPING A LIVE MOUSE INTO
LINDSAY GRAHAM'S CAGE.
AFTER BEING NONCOMMITTAL ABOUT THE WHOLE "PRESIDENT FOR LIFE"
THING, YESTERDAY McCONNELL ASSURED A WORRIED NATION "IT'LL
PROBABLY BE OKAY."
>> OUR INSTITUTIONS ARE ACTUALLY BUILT FOR THIS.
WE HAVE THE SYSTEM IN PLACE TO CONSIDER CONCERNS, AND PRESIDENT
TRUMP IS 100% WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO LOOK INTO ALLEGATIONS OF
IRREGULARITIES AND WEIGH HIS LEGAL OPTIONS.
>> Stephen: ALL HE'S SAYING IS THAT, YES, PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED
ABOUT THAT STICK OF DYNAMITE, BUT THE PRESIDENT IS FULLY
WITHIN HIS LEGAL RIGHTS TO LIGHT THE FUSE, OKAY.
SCISSORS ARE IN PLACE TO CUT THE FUSE IF IT GETS TOO CLOSE, OKAY?
GREAT, WHO'S GOT THE SCISSORS?
OH, WAIT, WE GAVE THEM TO THE PRESIDENT.
I'M SURE HE'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.
SO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS BACKING THE PRESIDENT, NOT
BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BUT BECAUSE
THEY ARE AFRAID OF MAKING HIM MAD, BECAUSE THEY NEED HIS BASE.
AND THEY JUSTIFY ALL THAT LIKE THIS:
"WHAT IS THE DOWNSIDE FOR HUMORING HIM FOR THIS LITTLE BIT
OF TIME?
NO ONE SERIOUSLY THINKS THE RESULTS WILL CHANGE."
SHOULD OUR ENTIRE POLITICAL SYSTEM BE ARRANGED TO SALVE THE
FEELINGS OF THE GUY WHO LOST.
YOU NEVER SAW TRUMAN HOLD UP A NEWSPAPER THAT SAID "DEWEY
DEFEATS TRUMAN.
LET HIM HAVE THIS ONE FOR A FEW WEEKS.
HE NEEDS IT."
THIS AFTERNOON, WE EXPLORED THE DOWNSIDE OF HUMORING THE
PRESIDENT, THANKS TO SECRETARY OF STATE AND DARKEST TIMELINE
VERSION OF THE DAD FROM "WONDER YEARS," MIKE POMPEO.
A REPORTER ASKED SECRETARY OF STATE POMPEO WHETHER THE
ADMINISTRATION'S FOOT-DRAGGING WOULD ENDANGER NATIONAL
SECURITY.
HERE'S WHAT HE SAID: >> THERE WILL BE A SMOOTH
TRANSITION TO A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
RIGHT?
>> Stephen: NO, WRONG.
FIRST, THERE WON'T BE A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, UNLESS
TIFFANY WINS IN 2032 WITH THE SLOGAN, "MAKE AMERICA 'MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN' AGAIN."
SECONDLY, NOTHING THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS EVER DONE HAS
BEEN SMOOTH.
HE COULDN'T EVEN MANAGE A SMOOTH TRANSITION FROM STAGE TO GROUND
LEVEL.
THIRD, YOUR GUY LOST.
FOURTH, IF THAT WAS A JOKE, YOU JUST BOMBED SO HARD YOU VIOLATED
THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
THIS IS DANGEROUS.
HE'S THE SECRETARY OF STATE.
HE REPRESENTS AMERICA TO OTHER COUNTRIES WHO JUST GOT THE
MESSAGE THAT MAYBE THE GUY WHO LOST ISN'T GOING TO LEAVE.
YOU KNOW ALL THOSE DICTATORS YOU VISITED, MR. SECRETARY?
THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE AN INTERNSHIP.
AND POMPEO'S NOT THE ONLY ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL
INDULGING THE PRESIDENT'S BEAUTIFUL DARK, TWISTED
FANTASIES.
SO IS ATTORNEY GENERAL AND JACKASS-O'-LANTERN, BILL BARR.
YESTERDAY, BARR BROKE WITH DECADES OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
POLICIES INTENDED TO KEEP LAW ENFORCEMENT FROM AFFECTING THE
OUTCOME OF AN ELECTION, WHEN HE SENT A MEMO INSTRUCTING FEDERAL
PROSECUTORS THAT THEY COULD INVESTIGATE "SPECIFIC
ALLEGATIONS" OF VOTER FRAUD BEFORE THE RESULTS OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE ARE CERTIFIED.
SO FEDERAL OFFICIALS ARE NOW PLANNING TO INTERVENE IN OUR
ELECTION AT THE REQUEST OF THEIR LEADER.
THAT ALSO HAS A BIT OF AN INTERNATIONAL FEEL, DOESN'T IT?
DURING COVID, THIS IS THE CLOSEST WE'RE GETTING TO A
VACATION.
( AS TOURIST ) "SUCH A FASCINATING COUNTRY!
I'M GOING TO DRINK COFFEE IN LITTLE CUPS, ORDER A CROISSANT,
POOP STANDING UP, AND JUST ENJOY THE COUP D'ETAT."
BARR'S MOVE WAS SO EGREGIOUS, IT LED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
OFFICIAL WHO OVERSEES INVESTIGATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD,
RICHARD PILGER, A CAREER PROSECUTOR IN THE D.O.J.'S
PUBLIC INTEGRITY SECTION, TO STEP DOWN FROM THE POST WITHIN
HOURS.
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THE GUY FROM THE "PUBLIC INTEGRITY
SECTION" QUIT.
IT'S LIKE MANAGING A RESTAURANT AND GETTING A LETTER OF
RESIGNATION FROM YOUR "RAT TURD REMOVER."
EVEN WORSE, BARR ADMITS THAT HE DID NOT SEE MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD,
AND THAT MOST OF THE ALLEGATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD WERE RELATED TO
INDIVIDUAL INSTANCES THAT DID NOT POINT TO A LARGER SYSTEMIC
PROBLEM.
BUT THAT HAS NOT STOPPED HIM FROM ORDERING INVESTIGATIONS
IT'S LIKE THOSE SIGNS IN THE SUBWAY: "IF YOU SEE NOTHING,
KEEP LOOKING UNTIL YOU CAN PRETEND IT'S SOMETHING."
SO BARR'S TAKING AMERICA ON A FISHING EXPEDITION, AND I THINK
DEMOCRACY'S FREDO.
SPECIFICALLY, BARR WANTS TO LOOK INTO INELIGIBLE VOTERS IN NEVADA
AND BACK-DATED MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA, CLAIMS THAT
REPUBLICANS HAVE CIRCULATED IN RECENT DAYS WITHOUT ANY
EVIDENCE.
NOW THE D.O.J. IS JUST CHASING DOWN URBAN LEGENDS THAT GET
PASSED AROUND THE INTERNET.
GET READY FOR THEIR NEW "TASK FORCE TO CATCH THE SLENDERMAN."
HOT TIP: HE'S MARRIED TO IVANKA!
NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR: THERE IS NOTHING TO ANY OF THESE
CHARGES. SO FAR.
SOY FAR THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOOSE EGG FOR 10 IN EVERY
LAWSUITS THEY HAVE BROUGHT.
IN MICHIGAN, THEY COMPLAINED THAT THE COUNTING OF ABSENTEE
BALLOTS WAS FRAUDULENT, BUT IN COURT, THEY COULD NOT PROVIDE
EVIDENCE OF WRONGDOING.
INSTEAD, REPUBLICANS SAID THEY HAD "INFORMATION AND BELIEF."
"YOUR HONOR, WE SHOULDN'T NEED EVIDENCE TO BELIEVE.
FRAUD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS."
IN ANOTHER MICHIGAN CASE, A REPUBLICAN ELECTION OBSERVER
SAID SHE HAD RECEIVED ALLEGATIONS OF IMPROPER VOTE
COUNTING ON A STICKY NOTE BY AN UNNAMED POLL WORKER.
YES, ALL AMERICANS MUST BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE ELECTORAL
THEFT FROM THE ARCH-CRIMINAL "DEB'S YOGURT, DO NOT TOUCH."
ALSO IN PENNSYLVANIA, G.O.P.
LAWYERS COMPLAINED THAT THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY ELECTION OBSERVERS
IN THE BALLOT COUNT.
BUT AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER WAS FORCED TO ADMIT THAT
THEY HAD "A NONZERO NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM," THE JUDGE
REPLIED, "I'M SORRY, THEN WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.
( AS LAWYER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT HAS BOTH
A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND THE NUCLEAR
FOOTBALL.
I'D LIKE TO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE, MY POOP-FILLED PANTS."
IN ARIZONA, G.O.P. SUPPORTERS ALLEGED THAT VOTE TABULATORS
WERE THROWN OFF BY THE USE OF SHARPIE PENS AND, THEREFORE,
DISQUALIFIED LARGE NUMBERS OF VOTES.
WHAT?
SHARPIES AREN'T RELIABLE?
YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT HURRICANE DIDN'T
REALLY HIT ALABAMA.
IT TURNS OUT, SHARPIE PENS ARE, IN FACT, THE BEST WRITING
INSTRUMENT TO USE WITH THE MACHINES BECAUSE OF THEIR
FAST-DRY INK, SO THE VOTERS WHO FILED THAT SHARPIE SUIT HAVE
DROPPED THAT ONE AND ARE INTERVENING IN THE NEW CASE
FILED BY THE CAMPAIGN.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BEEN HUFFING THE BLACK PONY.
( INHALES DEEPLY ) "I'LL SUE ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"
GET BACK!" THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ISN'T THE
ONLY THREAT TO OUR NATION RIGHT NOW.
ON MONDAY, THE U.S. PASSED 10 MILLION TOTAL COVID CASES--
UNLESS RUDY GIULIANI SAYS THAT HALF OF THOSE CASES WERE
ILLEGAL.
CHECK WITH YOUR LOCAL LANDSCAPER.
BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE.
BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, PFIZER ANNOUNCED THEY WERE MAKING
HEADWAY ON A POTENTIAL COVID VACCINE.
AND ESTERDAY, THE F.D.A.
GRANTED EMERGENCY APPROVAL TO A SYNTHETIC ANTIBODY TREATMENT
DEVELOPED BY ELI LILLY CALLED-- AND THIS IS TRUE--
"BAMLANIVIMAB."
"BAMLANIVIMAB."
THAT IS A TOFFEE.
THE HARD PART IS THE "VIMAB."
"BAMLANIVIMAB."
WHY WOULD YOU NAME IT THAT?
IT SOUNDS LIKE A RESEARCHER JUST DROPPED A SLICE OF PIZZA ON HER
LAPTOP.
SOUNDS LIKE A MONSTER FROM "LOVECRAFT COUNTRY."
IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHARMING IKEA CREDENZA THAT GOES BEAUTIFULLY
WITH YOUR "FARLOV."
( LAUGHTER ) THE DRUG LOOKS PROMISING.
IN CLINICAL TRIALS, IT HAS BEEN SHOWN TO REDUCE VIRAL LOADS AND
RATES OF SYMPTOMS AND HOSPITALIZATION.
OF COURSE, THAT'S NOT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THE INCREASE IN
HOSPITALIZATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO CHOKE ON THEIR TONGUES TRYING
TO SAY "BAMLANIVIMAB."
BUT THERE IS A HOPEFUL DEVELOPMENT IN OUR FIGHT AGAINST
THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC, SO ELI LILLY IS EXCITED TO GET THE WORD
OUT ABOUT THEIR NEW DRUG.
>> IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH
COVID-19.
JOSH LYMAN IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE NEW TREATMENT BAMLANIVIMAB.
IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS AND ARE
OVER 12, THEN BAMLANIVIMAB MIGHT BE FOR YOU.
SIDE EFFECTS OF... INCLUDE NAUSEA, DIARRHEA, HEADACHE, AND
CONFUSION ABOUT WHY ON EARTH A COMPANY PICKED THIS NAME.
PATIENTS SHOULD NOT TAKE BAMLANIVIMAB IF THEY ARE
ALLERGIC TO...
SO ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT-- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST INJECT
BLEACH.
THIS IS WHY I WANTED THE ZIRTEK GIG.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
HUGH GRANT IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
BAMLANIVIMAB.