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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW.

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • OH, WHAT A STRANGE AND TROUBLING WORLD SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE IT

  • TO BE.

  • YESTERDAY, I WAS POURING CHAMPAGNE TO TOAST THE NEW

  • ADMINISTRATION, AND TODAY-- I WILL CUT YOU!

  • IF YOU COME NEAR ME, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME CRAZY ( BLEEP )

  • GOING ON OUT THERE!

  • ON MONDAY, OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER PRESIDENT, CITING BASELESS

  • CHARGES OF NONEXISTENT FRAUD, INSTRUCTED GOVERNMENT

  • LEADERS TO BLOCK COOPERATION WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN'S

  • TRANSITION TEAM.

  • HERE'S THE THING: PEACEFUL TRANSITIONS ARE IMPORTANT.

  • YOU DON'T SEE ME STARTING THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT GETTING IN A

  • KNIFE FIGHT WITH DAVE LETTERMAN.

  • I WOULDN'T DARE!

  • THE GUY'S GOT THE REACH!

  • THOSE HOOSIERS ARE SCRAPPY!

  • FUN FACT: IT WAS EXACTLY FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY THAT BARACK

  • OBAMA SAT DOWN WITH THE THEN-PRESIDENT- ELECT, AND YOU

  • COULD TELL OBAMA WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

  • THAT PICTURE IS SO WEIRD.

  • REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE TOUCHED EACH OTHER?

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT WHO IS UNDERMINING CONFIDENCE IN

  • OUR ELECTIONS, SO IS SENATE MAJORITY LEADER

  • MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE DROPPING A LIVE MOUSE INTO

  • LINDSAY GRAHAM'S CAGE.

  • AFTER BEING NONCOMMITTAL ABOUT THE WHOLE "PRESIDENT FOR LIFE"

  • THING, YESTERDAY McCONNELL ASSURED A WORRIED NATION "IT'LL

  • PROBABLY BE OKAY."

  • >> OUR INSTITUTIONS ARE ACTUALLY BUILT FOR THIS.

  • WE HAVE THE SYSTEM IN PLACE TO CONSIDER CONCERNS, AND PRESIDENT

  • TRUMP IS 100% WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO LOOK INTO ALLEGATIONS OF

  • IRREGULARITIES AND WEIGH HIS LEGAL OPTIONS.

  • >> Stephen: ALL HE'S SAYING IS THAT, YES, PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED

  • ABOUT THAT STICK OF DYNAMITE, BUT THE PRESIDENT IS FULLY

  • WITHIN HIS LEGAL RIGHTS TO LIGHT THE FUSE, OKAY.

  • SCISSORS ARE IN PLACE TO CUT THE FUSE IF IT GETS TOO CLOSE, OKAY?

  • GREAT, WHO'S GOT THE SCISSORS?

  • OH, WAIT, WE GAVE THEM TO THE PRESIDENT.

  • I'M SURE HE'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.

  • SO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS BACKING THE PRESIDENT, NOT

  • BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BUT BECAUSE

  • THEY ARE AFRAID OF MAKING HIM MAD, BECAUSE THEY NEED HIS BASE.

  • AND THEY JUSTIFY ALL THAT LIKE THIS:

  • "WHAT IS THE DOWNSIDE FOR HUMORING HIM FOR THIS LITTLE BIT

  • OF TIME?

  • NO ONE SERIOUSLY THINKS THE RESULTS WILL CHANGE."

  • SHOULD OUR ENTIRE POLITICAL SYSTEM BE ARRANGED TO SALVE THE

  • FEELINGS OF THE GUY WHO LOST.

  • YOU NEVER SAW TRUMAN HOLD UP A NEWSPAPER THAT SAID "DEWEY

  • DEFEATS TRUMAN.

  • LET HIM HAVE THIS ONE FOR A FEW WEEKS.

  • HE NEEDS IT."

  • THIS AFTERNOON, WE EXPLORED THE DOWNSIDE OF HUMORING THE

  • PRESIDENT, THANKS TO SECRETARY OF STATE AND DARKEST TIMELINE

  • VERSION OF THE DAD FROM "WONDER YEARS," MIKE POMPEO.

  • A REPORTER ASKED SECRETARY OF STATE POMPEO WHETHER THE

  • ADMINISTRATION'S FOOT-DRAGGING WOULD ENDANGER NATIONAL

  • SECURITY.

  • HERE'S WHAT HE SAID: >> THERE WILL BE A SMOOTH

  • TRANSITION TO A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.

  • RIGHT?

  • >> Stephen: NO, WRONG.

  • FIRST, THERE WON'T BE A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, UNLESS

  • TIFFANY WINS IN 2032 WITH THE SLOGAN, "MAKE AMERICA 'MAKE

  • AMERICA GREAT AGAIN' AGAIN."

  • SECONDLY, NOTHING THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS EVER DONE HAS

  • BEEN SMOOTH.

  • HE COULDN'T EVEN MANAGE A SMOOTH TRANSITION FROM STAGE TO GROUND

  • LEVEL.

  • THIRD, YOUR GUY LOST.

  • FOURTH, IF THAT WAS A JOKE, YOU JUST BOMBED SO HARD YOU VIOLATED

  • THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

  • THIS IS DANGEROUS.

  • HE'S THE SECRETARY OF STATE.

  • HE REPRESENTS AMERICA TO OTHER COUNTRIES WHO JUST GOT THE

  • MESSAGE THAT MAYBE THE GUY WHO LOST ISN'T GOING TO LEAVE.

  • YOU KNOW ALL THOSE DICTATORS YOU VISITED, MR. SECRETARY?

  • THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE AN INTERNSHIP.

  • AND POMPEO'S NOT THE ONLY ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL

  • INDULGING THE PRESIDENT'S BEAUTIFUL DARK, TWISTED

  • FANTASIES.

  • SO IS ATTORNEY GENERAL AND JACKASS-O'-LANTERN, BILL BARR.

  • YESTERDAY, BARR BROKE WITH DECADES OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

  • POLICIES INTENDED TO KEEP LAW ENFORCEMENT FROM AFFECTING THE

  • OUTCOME OF AN ELECTION, WHEN HE SENT A MEMO INSTRUCTING FEDERAL

  • PROSECUTORS THAT THEY COULD INVESTIGATE "SPECIFIC

  • ALLEGATIONS" OF VOTER FRAUD BEFORE THE RESULTS OF THE

  • PRESIDENTIAL RACE ARE CERTIFIED.

  • SO FEDERAL OFFICIALS ARE NOW PLANNING TO INTERVENE IN OUR

  • ELECTION AT THE REQUEST OF THEIR LEADER.

  • THAT ALSO HAS A BIT OF AN INTERNATIONAL FEEL, DOESN'T IT?

  • DURING COVID, THIS IS THE CLOSEST WE'RE GETTING TO A

  • VACATION.

  • ( AS TOURIST ) "SUCH A FASCINATING COUNTRY!

  • I'M GOING TO DRINK COFFEE IN LITTLE CUPS, ORDER A CROISSANT,

  • POOP STANDING UP, AND JUST ENJOY THE COUP D'ETAT."

  • BARR'S MOVE WAS SO EGREGIOUS, IT LED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

  • OFFICIAL WHO OVERSEES INVESTIGATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD,

  • RICHARD PILGER, A CAREER PROSECUTOR IN THE D.O.J.'S

  • PUBLIC INTEGRITY SECTION, TO STEP DOWN FROM THE POST WITHIN

  • HOURS.

  • YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THE GUY FROM THE "PUBLIC INTEGRITY

  • SECTION" QUIT.

  • IT'S LIKE MANAGING A RESTAURANT AND GETTING A LETTER OF

  • RESIGNATION FROM YOUR "RAT TURD REMOVER."

  • EVEN WORSE, BARR ADMITS THAT HE DID NOT SEE MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD,

  • AND THAT MOST OF THE ALLEGATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD WERE RELATED TO

  • INDIVIDUAL INSTANCES THAT DID NOT POINT TO A LARGER SYSTEMIC

  • PROBLEM.

  • BUT THAT HAS NOT STOPPED HIM FROM ORDERING INVESTIGATIONS

  • IT'S LIKE THOSE SIGNS IN THE SUBWAY: "IF YOU SEE NOTHING,

  • KEEP LOOKING UNTIL YOU CAN PRETEND IT'S SOMETHING."

  • SO BARR'S TAKING AMERICA ON A FISHING EXPEDITION, AND I THINK

  • DEMOCRACY'S FREDO.

  • SPECIFICALLY, BARR WANTS TO LOOK INTO INELIGIBLE VOTERS IN NEVADA

  • AND BACK-DATED MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA, CLAIMS THAT

  • REPUBLICANS HAVE CIRCULATED IN RECENT DAYS WITHOUT ANY

  • EVIDENCE.

  • NOW THE D.O.J. IS JUST CHASING DOWN URBAN LEGENDS THAT GET

  • PASSED AROUND THE INTERNET.

  • GET READY FOR THEIR NEW "TASK FORCE TO CATCH THE SLENDERMAN."

  • HOT TIP: HE'S MARRIED TO IVANKA!

  • NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR: THERE IS NOTHING TO ANY OF THESE

  • CHARGES. SO FAR.

  • SOY FAR THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOOSE EGG FOR 10 IN EVERY

  • LAWSUITS THEY HAVE BROUGHT.

  • IN MICHIGAN, THEY COMPLAINED THAT THE COUNTING OF ABSENTEE

  • BALLOTS WAS FRAUDULENT, BUT IN COURT, THEY COULD NOT PROVIDE

  • EVIDENCE OF WRONGDOING.

  • INSTEAD, REPUBLICANS SAID THEY HAD "INFORMATION AND BELIEF."

  • "YOUR HONOR, WE SHOULDN'T NEED EVIDENCE TO BELIEVE.

  • FRAUD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS."

  • IN ANOTHER MICHIGAN CASE, A REPUBLICAN ELECTION OBSERVER

  • SAID SHE HAD RECEIVED ALLEGATIONS OF IMPROPER VOTE

  • COUNTING ON A STICKY NOTE BY AN UNNAMED POLL WORKER.

  • YES, ALL AMERICANS MUST BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE ELECTORAL

  • THEFT FROM THE ARCH-CRIMINAL "DEB'S YOGURT, DO NOT TOUCH."

  • ALSO IN PENNSYLVANIA, G.O.P.

  • LAWYERS COMPLAINED THAT THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY ELECTION OBSERVERS

  • IN THE BALLOT COUNT.

  • BUT AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER WAS FORCED TO ADMIT THAT

  • THEY HAD "A NONZERO NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM," THE JUDGE

  • REPLIED, "I'M SORRY, THEN WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

  • OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.

  • ( AS LAWYER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT HAS BOTH

  • A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND THE NUCLEAR

  • FOOTBALL.

  • I'D LIKE TO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE, MY POOP-FILLED PANTS."

  • IN ARIZONA, G.O.P. SUPPORTERS ALLEGED THAT VOTE TABULATORS

  • WERE THROWN OFF BY THE USE OF SHARPIE PENS AND, THEREFORE,

  • DISQUALIFIED LARGE NUMBERS OF VOTES.

  • WHAT?

  • SHARPIES AREN'T RELIABLE?

  • YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT HURRICANE DIDN'T

  • REALLY HIT ALABAMA.

  • IT TURNS OUT, SHARPIE PENS ARE, IN FACT, THE BEST WRITING

  • INSTRUMENT TO USE WITH THE MACHINES BECAUSE OF THEIR

  • FAST-DRY INK, SO THE VOTERS WHO FILED THAT SHARPIE SUIT HAVE

  • DROPPED THAT ONE AND ARE INTERVENING IN THE NEW CASE

  • FILED BY THE CAMPAIGN.

  • SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BEEN HUFFING THE BLACK PONY.

  • ( INHALES DEEPLY ) "I'LL SUE ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"

  • GET BACK!" THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ISN'T THE

  • ONLY THREAT TO OUR NATION RIGHT NOW.

  • ON MONDAY, THE U.S. PASSED 10 MILLION TOTAL COVID CASES--

  • UNLESS RUDY GIULIANI SAYS THAT HALF OF THOSE CASES WERE

  • ILLEGAL.

  • CHECK WITH YOUR LOCAL LANDSCAPER.

  • BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE.

  • BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, PFIZER ANNOUNCED THEY WERE MAKING

  • HEADWAY ON A POTENTIAL COVID VACCINE.

  • AND ESTERDAY, THE F.D.A.

  • GRANTED EMERGENCY APPROVAL TO A SYNTHETIC ANTIBODY