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  • -Oh, it feels good. Welcome, welcome, welcome,

  • welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody,

  • here from New York City. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You guys, it is Friday.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • All right, let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, all eyes are on Washington this weekend

  • where Trump supporters are holding a big event

  • to protest the election.

  • -Supporters of President Trump are expected to descend

  • on the nation's capitol Saturday

  • for what's been dubbed the Million Maga March.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Usually when you see a million angry Trump supporters

  • this time of year, it's because Starbucks released

  • their holiday cups. [ Laughter ]

  • [As Trump] "We're saying, 'Merry Pumpkin Spice Latte' again.

  • We are. We're saying --"

  • It'll be exciting for a million people to show up

  • and then be told by a White House intern,

  • "He left for Florida yesterday."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, I hope Trump walks out on the White House balcony

  • and serenades the crowd with a rendition of

  • "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina." [ Laughter ]

  • Don't try for me, MAGA people

  • The truth is I never liked you

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪ I don't want to go to Erie, Pennsylvania

  • "I shouldn't have been here. I had it in the bag."

  • Speaking of the election, the Department of Homeland Security

  • looked into Trump's claims of voter fraud

  • and here's what they found.

  • -The President's own Department of Homeland Security

  • has released a statement calling last week's election

  • "The most secure in American history,"

  • saying, "There is no evidence that any voting system

  • was in any way compromised."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Americans are like, "Hey, who do we believe,

  • the Trump administration or the Trump administration?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, they said the election was the most secure.

  • While the President is the most insecure.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Listen to this, the Trump campaign just shut down

  • its voter fraud hotline because it was flooded

  • with prank calls. [ Light laughter ]

  • It's not a great sign when your fraud hotline is riddled

  • with fraud, but...

  • Yeah, they shut down the hotline because of pranks.

  • Also because a bunch of confused people kept calling in

  • asking how to baste a turkey.

  • "Just make sure you take the plastic bag out of the --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's the biggest mistake everyone makes."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is pretty amazing.

  • Today, Trump's Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was asked

  • if the president would attend January's inauguration.

  • Check out what she said.

  • -It would look pretty bad if he did not attend

  • the inauguration.

  • It would look like sour grapes, wouldn't it?

  • -I think the President will attend his own inauguration.

  • He would have to be there, in fact.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -The anchor was like, "Right.

  • Anyway, back to the news here on Earth."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Yeah, Biden's got it all locked up, and last night

  • he was officially projected to win another big state.

  • -NBC News now projects Joe Biden

  • as the winner of Arizona.

  • -You know, I've got to be honest, it's really starting

  • to look like Trump won't win the presidency.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm just saying. I...

  • You can tell Trump is mad.

  • Today, he called Mexico and told them they could have Arizona.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This afternoon, the state of Georgia was also called

  • for Joe Biden.

  • Okay, now I'm really thinking

  • Trump might not win the presidency.

  • I think Trump is out of ideas. Today, he asked,

  • "Is Guam a state?

  • Probably 80 electoral votes in Guam."

  • Meanwhile, speaking of the president-elect,

  • yesterday Biden got

  • a very special congratulatory phone call.

  • Watch this.

  • -Biden has continued to field

  • congratulatory phone calls from world leaders,

  • including a phone call with Pope Francis.

  • -It was a great call. They talked about faith, peace,

  • and what it's like to take over for someone who won't leave.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • I'm actually a little surprised the Pope called Biden.

  • He's always seemed such a big fan of Trump's.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It seems like there's so much going on right now.

  • Trump still hasn't conceded the election.

  • The Masters Tournament just kicked off.

  • Baby Yoda is being canceled online.

  • And Mountain Dew just released its own cookbook.

  • There's a lot to go over, so let's just jump in

  • and cover it all at once. It's time for "News Smash."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -First up, the Masters.

  • The tournament started yesterday and the grand prize is worth

  • over $2 million.

  • Everyone is waiting to see who is going to win or lose it all

  • down in Georgia.

  • Speaking of losing in Georgia, President Trump...

  • [ Laughter ] ...lost the election

  • fair and square but refuses to concede

  • and now some of his supporters plan to march on Washington.

  • He could stop all of this, but he continues to divide us,

  • almost as much as Baby Yoda.

  • People -- People are not happy with him.

  • In a recent episode of "The Mandalorian,"

  • he ate the eggs of an endangered species

  • and some people are saying he should be punished.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of being punished for something you ate,

  • the new Mountain Dew Cookbook.

  • 96 pages of recipes, like Mountain Dew mozzarella bites

  • covered in Flamin' Hot Cheeto crumbs.

  • That's a heart attack waiting to happen.

  • Which is also a good way to describe President Trump.

  • He spent all week claiming voter fraud

  • and tweeting conspiracy theories.

  • Come on, man, you lost.

  • Even the Pope said Biden won.

  • At some point you have to look at the President and go,

  • "Stop being such a...baby."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He really shouldn't have eaten those eggs.

  • They belonged to that nice frog lady who clearly told you

  • to stop, even though she sounded like --

  • [ Imitates frog ]

  • Which makes about as much sense as a Mountain Dew cookbook.

  • I mean -- [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Mountain Dew jalapeno poppers. Mountain Dew pancakes.

  • Mountain Dew Code Red brisket.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, that last one would go really well on a sandwich.

  • Sand wedge.

  • [ Laughter and groans ]

  • Which...

  • they'll be using --

  • Tariq, I can hear you laughing.

  • Which they'll be using at the Masters.

  • I always wanted one of those classic blazers.

  • They're so tacky and green like the Mountain Dew Cookbook.

  • If stuff sounds awful, you might as well fire up

  • a blender and toss in... Baby Yoda.

  • In conclusion,

  • do your best.

  • Do better.

  • Better Dew.

  • Maybe don't.

  • This has been a "News Smash." [ Applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Hey, listen to this. If you're looking to get away

  • for a few days, I heard about a new place that you can rent.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -You can now spend a night in the mansion

  • from "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette."

  • For only $6,000 a night, you can rent the home on Airbnb.

  • -6 grand might sound steep, but the genital warts

  • you get from the hot tub are free.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So far there's only one review, and all it says is,

  • "My blacklight threw itself in the tub."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know what to make of this one.

  • Some towns in Japan were having problems with bears.

  • So they're trying a new way to scare them off.

  • Check this out. -Countryside towns deploying

  • these monster wolves to scare bears away from homes.

  • Flashing lights, 60 different sounds,

  • and a head that can sense motion.

  • [ Shrieks ]

  • -Nice.

  • -I fully support not shooting bears,

  • but it more humane to give them a heart attack?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, this is a great. A 102-year-old woman just became

  • the world's oldest curler. Here she is.

  • Ah.

  • Oh, no. I just got word

  • she got suspended for performance enhancing prunes.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, a 102-year-old curler.

  • Every time she steps onto the ice, her hips are like,

  • "Lola, you crazy bitch." [ Laughter ]

-Oh, it feels good. Welcome, welcome, welcome,

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Trump Supporters Prepare for Million MAGA March in D.C. | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/14
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