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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to

  • "The Tonight Show,"

  • coming to you live here.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, in public, President Trump hasn't given up

  • on the election, but the big story is,

  • in private, he's been telling people

  • he wants to start his own

  • right-wing conservative media network to take on Fox News.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Finally, a chance to hear what Trump has to say.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Trump wants to take on Fox News.

  • Let me just say, good luck trying to replicate

  • the electricity that is Neil Cavuto.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, you're going to try to beat this Lou Dobbs bit?

  • -The caravan, of mostly Central American immigrants,

  • is now in the Mexican city

  • of "Hualjeda" tonight. [ Huixtla ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Good luck. Good luck.

  • This is fun -- the Trump network already has the catchy slogan...

  • [ As Trump ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Trump will base his new network

  • in the media capital of the world --

  • the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Listen to this -- I heard that Joe Biden

  • is going to stop building Trump's border wall.

  • Yep, and that, after four years,

  • Trump only got 12 miles of new wall built.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Mexico is like, "12 miles?

  • We'll pay for that."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What's your Venmo?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When history looks back at presidential accomplishments,

  • everyone will remember the New Deal, Social Security,

  • and Trump's 12 miles of border wall.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 12 miles? I've shopped

  • at Costcos bigger than that.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's like a dad who promises to build the tree house

  • and, now, there's just a pile of wood in the backyard

  • and three rungs of a ladder going up the tree.

  • It's like, "You're too old for a tree, anyway."

  • I wasn't when you started.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, president-elect Biden is already getting to work.

  • He's starting to select members for his cabinet

  • and, last night, he filled

  • an important role. Watch this.

  • -Overnight, Joe Biden making his first major decision

  • as president-elect, naming his right-hand man,

  • tapping long-time adviser Ron Klain

  • to be his chief of staff.

  • -And, if everything goes well,

  • you'll never hear that guy's name again.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When Klain moves into his office,

  • he'll find a desk, two chairs,

  • and 50 empty bottles of whiskey.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When Trump heard Biden

  • hired a chief of staff, he was like --

  • [ As Trump ] Ah, yes, you always remember your first.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, I don't. What was -- Who was my first?

  • Was it Reince Prius?

  • [ Laughter ] Reese's Pieces?

  • [ Laughter ] Reince?

  • Trump was like -- [ As Trump ] Don't worry. If it's not a great fit,

  • you can always hire three more.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's had four chiefs of staff.

  • One quit, one was fired,

  • one has COVID, and the fourth went out

  • to get a pack of cigarettes and never came back.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Of course, people are still talking about the election.

  • Trump still refuses to concede,

  • even though there's been no proof of voter fraud.

  • Meanwhile, Trump's supporters

  • are planning to flood Washington, D.C.

  • to protest Biden's election.

  • Also, there's -- -Man, I'm tired of the news.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What was that, Tariq?

  • -I said I'm tired of the news, man.

  • It's always so upsetting.

  • Can we talk about something not in the news?

  • -Fine with me. What do you want to talk about?

  • -I don't know.

  • What's like the most random, harmless thing?

  • How about doorbells?

  • -Sure, love doorbells.

  • They're on doors.

  • You push them and --

  • ♪♪

  • I'm sorry, Tariq. We just got breaking news.

  • [ Laughter ] -What is it?

  • [ Laughter ] -What?!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Okay, fine. Let's talk about something else.

  • How about lettuce?

  • -Sure, sure. I love lettuce.

  • Iceberg, chopped, Romaine --

  • ♪♪

  • Sorry, Tariq, We have more breaking news.

  • -Please don't read it. -I have to.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I have to. It's my job.

  • I'm a comedy news person.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, come on!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • How about dogs?

  • ♪♪ [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Coffee mugs?

  • ♪♪ [ Laughter ]

  • -Ahh!

  • All the news is so bad,

  • you might as well just go back to talking about voter fraud.

  • -No, no. Come on.

  • What do you want to talk about?

  • -I don't know.

  • What's the most random thing ever?

  • Um, how about that rare bird from New Zealand,

  • the kiwi pukupuku?

  • [ Laughter ] -I would love to talk

  • about the kiwi pukupuku, instead of voter fraud.

  • ♪♪ [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -I give up, man.

  • I'll just go back to not listening

  • to your monologue, as usual.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What?

  • -Hmm?

  • -Tariq Trotter, everyone. Tariq --

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Tariq Trotter! Tariq Trotter, everyone!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Uh, hey listen to this.

  • Ticketmaster is working on new plans

  • to make concerts safe

  • during the COVID era. Check it out.

  • -According to Billboard, fans who need to prove

  • they've been vaccinated or tested negative

  • 24 hours before an event.

  • Their status would appear on the Ticketmaster app.

  • -Come on. Half the fun of going to a concert

  • is not knowing what you're going to catch.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It backfires when you see sketchy guys

  • selling negative COVID tests outside the arena.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, so, now, when you're passing around a joint

  • with strangers at a music festival,

  • you can finally think,

  • "This is safe."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, I heard that, after the election,

  • one industry got a big boost. Take a look at this.

  • -Liquor store owners in Washington, D.C. say

  • they saw more champagne sold on Saturday, November 7th,

  • than on the past two

  • New Year's Eve celebrations combined.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -You can tell things are going well

  • because, when they heard, the champagne industry

  • had nothing to celebrate with.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'll let you get there.

  • I'll let you get there, yeah.

  • Yep, the champagne industry has been struggling

  • during the pandemic, which makes sense,

  • because no one's ever been like, "I took a shower

  • and put on pants."

  • [ Pop ] [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter intensifies ]

  • That's the sound effect we got for the champagne?

  • [ Laughter ] [ Pop ]

  • Man. [ Laughter ]

  • It's usually more like a -- "Whsss!" you know, like that.

  • It's like -- [ Pop ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sssss! Sssss! -Congratulations.

  • It's like the most boring champagne.

  • Probably like, "Dude, we just won $80 million!"

  • [ Pop ] [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -This bottle of champagne is flat!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Wow.

  • Clean, clean pop!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, this made me laugh.

  • A statue in Spain -- Did you see this?

  • -Yes. Yes. -Oh, my gosh.

  • -Classic. -This is unbelievable.

  • A statue in Spain is getting a lot of attention

  • after a botched restoration.

  • Take a look at the statue before.

  • This is real.

  • Then it got restored. Here it is after.

  • [ Laughter ] -Yes! Yes!

  • -Oh!

  • -I love to see it.

  • [ Pop ]

  • [ Laughter ] Oh, yeah.

  • Meanwhile, the gargoyle around the corner was like --

  • [ Smoker's voice ] I'd still hit that.

  • [ Laughter ] Hey, wait, come on.

  • No.

  • It's like the difference between working

  • for "Restorations"

  • and "Restorations Total Landscaping."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Can we take another look at the statue

  • before it was restored?

  • And now the new one again?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Jeez.

  • Well, a lot of people are speaking out about the update,

  • including the statues themselves.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • First, the original statue said...

  • The new statue said...

  • [ Hello! That hurts my feelings. I'm beautiful! ]

  • [ Laughter ] Then, the original statue was like...

  • Then, the new statue was like...

  • [ No! I like my face! You're just jealous! ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then, the Jesus painting from Borja, Spain,

  • spoke up and said...

  • [ Yeah! Leave her alone! She's perfect! ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Then, this old statue of the Fonz showed up and was like,

  • "Errrrr!" [ Laughter ]

  • [ I agree! Don't change for anyone! ]

  • And, finally, this plaque of Elvis Presley said...

  • [ Keep your head up! You're a hunka hunka burning love! ]

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • They're all very supportive.

  • And, finally, the holiday season is almost here.

  • You guys psyched for the holidays?

  • [ Cheering and applause ] We're going to make it good.

  • Well, a Christmas tree in Cincinnati's Fountain Square

  • has been getting a lot of attention

  • for its unique look. Here it is.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh.

  • -Yeah. When asked about the tree,

  • the statue from Spain said,

  • "Ermahgerd! That tree looks perferct!"

  • Er, Christmas tree

  • Er, Christmas tree

  • Er there's yer birds

  • Er branches

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to

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Trump Wants to Wreck Fox News with His Own Network | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/13