Subtitles section Play video
-
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
-
WELCOME BACK.
-
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
-
HELLO, JON.
-
>> Jon: OH, HELLO, HELLO!
-
>> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND!
-
>> Jon: HELLO, YES, SEE THAT, MAN.
-
YOU SEE, TIME IS MOVING ON, AND I'M JUST TRYING TO BE PRESENT.
-
CAT'S GOT TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT WHEN
-
IT'S HAPPENING.
-
YOU SEE?
-
>> Stephen: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD BIRTHDAY?
-
IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW?
-
>> Jon: YES, THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.
-
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
-
I ALWAYS LOVE THAT MY BIRTHDAY IS ON VETERANS DAY, CELEBRATE
-
THE VETERANS, AND I HAVE VETERANS IN MY FAMILY.
-
AND I ALSO WANTED TO JUST SEND LOVE OUT TO EVERYBODY IN THIS
-
TIME.
-
YOU KNOW, WHEN TENSION IS COMING TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY I'M SENDING
-
THE LOVE RIGHT BACK.
-
LOUIS ARMSTRONG USED TO GIVE GIFTS TO PEOPLE ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
-
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
-
>> Jon: I LOVE THAT KIND OF STUFF.
-
>> Stephen: HOBBITS DO THAT IN "LORD OF THE RINGS."
-
THEY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PRESENTS ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS.
-
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT A LOT.
-
>> Stephen: I WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT THE VETERANS, TOO, WE WANT
-
TO SEND LOVE OUT TO ALL THE VETERANS OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY
-
RIGHT NOW, AND ESPECIALLY THOSE COMING BACK FROM SERVICE
-
OVERSEAS, BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO BE ABLE TO
-
SEE THEIR FAMILIES, ESPECIALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, BUT RIGHT
-
NOW, THEY CAN'T BECAUSE OF THE COVID QUARANTINE AND THE
-
INABILITY TO TRAVEL FREELY IN THE UNITED STATES.
-
SO IF YOU KNOW A VETERAN OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY SOMEBODY WHO
-
HAS JUST COME BACK, SEND THEM A LOT OF LOVE THESE HOLIDAYS.
-
BECAUSE THIS ISOLATION THAT EVERYBODY IS FEELING RIGHT NOW,
-
THEY'VE MADE THAT SACRIFICE FOR US FOR YEARS SO THAT WE COULD BE
-
SAFE OVER HERE.
-
GOT ANYTHING FOR THE VETERANS THERE, JON.
-
>> Jon: OH, MY GOOD.
-
THE VETERANS, THIS IS MY RHAPSODY FOR THE VETERANS.
-
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
-
EVERYBODY.
-
THANK YOU, JON.
-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
-
FOLKS, WE ARE STILL IN THE MIDST OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WITH A
-
WHITE-KNUCKLED GRIP ON OUR REPUBLIC, SO IT'S THE PERFECT
-
TIME TO REMEMBER WHAT'S TRULY IMPORTANT: BUYING THINGS.
-
AND WHO BETTER TO GUIDE US THAN LIFESTYLE GURU AND GROWN-UP
-
HANSEN BROTHER, GWYNETH PALTROW.
-
♪ CUZ IT'S THE MOST GOOP-IFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! ♪
-
IT'S THE RELEASE OF THE GOOP HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE.
-
AND THIS YEAR'S OFFERINGS DO NOT DISA-GOOP.
-
LIKE THIS $1,995 ACRYLIC OUIJA BOARD.
-
"OOH, SOMETHING'S COMING SOMETHING'S COMING THROUGH.
-
IT SAYS "YOU...
-
ARE...
-
A...
-
SUCKER."
-
GOOP ALSO HAS A NUMBER OF FOOD-THEMED GIFTS ON OFFER THIS
-
YEAR, LIKE THIS $240 GERMAN OAT FLAKER.
-
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE FLAKING YOUR OATS LIKE SOME FILTHY
-
SWEDE.
-
HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, MEIN HERR!
-
AND YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "STEPHEN, DON'T ALL OATS COME
-
PRE-FLAKED?" TO WHICH I SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU
-
GO ENJOY YOUR PICKLED HERRING, YA DAMN SWEDE."
-
THAT'S NOT ALL.
-
GOOP-ETH IS ALSO RECOMMENDING A $210 BED LAMP MADE OF BREAD.
-
JUST REMEMBER: DON'T FILL UP ON LAMP, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ROOM FOR
-
YOUR...
-
TABLE?
-
TO BE CLEAR, THIS THING IS REALLY BREAD.
-
THE GOOP LISTS THE INGREDIENTS AS BREAD FLOUR, CAKE FLOUR,
-
SALT, YEAST, L.E.D. LIGHTS, AND POWER CORD WITH DIMMER SWITCH.
-
SO IT WON'T WORK FOR ALL DIETS.
-
"OH, SORRY, I'M KETO.
-
DO YOU HAVE A MEAT LAMP?
-
JOE ROGAN SAYS ONLY EAT LAMPS THAT CAVEMEN USED."
-
IF YOU'RE MORE OF AN ANALOG FOOD FAN, MIGHT GOOP INTEREST YOU IN
-
THIS TSUKEEA KABAN WATERMELON BAG.
-
ALSO HANDY FOR CARRYING THE GIGANTIC BALLS YOU HAVE TO BE
-
SWINGING TO OWN A BAG EXCLUSIVELY FOR WATERMELONS.
-
HOW MUCH WILL THIS MELON SATCHEL SET YOU BACK, YOU ASK?
-
WELL, KEEP ASKING, BECAUSE THE PRICE IS ONLY AVAILABLE UPON
-
REQUEST.
-
SO IT'S REALLY TWO TREATS IN ONE: YOU GET THE WATERMELON BAG
-
AND YOU GET TO ASK, "EXCUSE ME, HOW MUCH FOR THAT WATERMELON
-
BAG?" AND WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES,
-
THE PEOPLE'S TRIBUNAL CAN JUST POP YOUR SEVERED HEAD IN THERE.
-
AND FOR ANY SOON-TO-BE MOMS OUT THERE, THERE'S THE STILIYANA
-
MINKOVSKA CUSTOM BIRTH SILL FOR $7,500.
-
PERFECT FOR ALL THOSE EXPECTANT MOTHERS WHO WOKE UP THINKING, "I
-
LIKE BEING PREGNANT, BUT I WISH IT WAS MORE EXPENSIVE."
-
NOW, YOU MAY BE THINKING "HEY GWYNETH, IT'S A PANDEMIC, GOOP
-
THE ROOM."
-
AND YOU'D BE RIGHT.
-
THIS IS AN OUT-OF-TOUCH CASH GRAB THAT EXPLOITS PEOPLE'S
-
DESPERATE NEED FOR COMFORT DURING THIS TRYING TIME,
-
AND DADDY WANT IN.
-
IT'S TIME FOR MY OWN HIGH-END LIFESTYLE BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE.
-
♪ ♪ ♪ >> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.
-
SHABBY ELEGANCE.
-
GIVE ME MONEY.
-
COVETTON HOUSE.
-
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,
-
FRIENDS, TO COVETTON HOUSE WHERE WE BELIEVE "PANDEMIC" IS
-
JUST AN ANAGRAM FOR "DIM PECAN," WHICH IS WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO
-
BE TO WANT TO BUY OUR STUFF.
-
HERE AT COVETTON HOUSE, WE KNOW THAT FOR MANY AMERICANS, THIS
-
HOLIDAY SEASON LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
-
COVID-19 HAS CREATED MONEY WORRIES, SUCH AS, "I'M WORRIED
-
NO ONE'S GONNA COME TAKE MY MONEY!"
-
WELL, WE'RE HERE TO HELP.
-
HUNGRY?
-
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN COVETTON'S $920 BREAD MADE OF LAMP.
-
JUST THROW SOME HAM AND CHEESE BETWEEN TWO DELICIOUS,
-
SHARD-FILLED SLICES, AND YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A HIGH-FIBER
-
UPSCALE BOWEL PERFORATION.
-
GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOU HEALTH NUTS: OUR BREAD IS MADE OF ALL-
-
NATURAL POWER CORDS, DIMMER SWITCHES, CERAMIC BASES,
-
SHATTERED BULBS, AND LOOSE TUNGSTEN WIRE FILAMENTS.
-
BUT GLUTEN FREE.
-
NOW, IF YOU LIKE FORTUNE TELLING THAT COSTS A FORTUNE, THEN
-
YOU'LL LOVE OUR $6,800 DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED MAGIC-8 BALL
-
LOADED WITH EVERY RESPONSE YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED, LIKE "YES,
-
YOUR CHAUFFEUR IS STEALING FROM YOU" AND "YES, DEFINITELY,
-
RODRIGO, YOUR SCUBA INSTRUCTOR/ BODYGUARD-TURNED-FIANCE SHOULD
-
SIGN A PRENUP."
-
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STYLISH WAY TO CARRY YOUR PRODUCE, LOOK
-
NO FURTHER THAN THE COVETTON HOUSE BLUEBERRY BRIEFCASE.
-
IT'S THE MOST STYLISH WAY TO SAY, "I DON'T EAT VERY MUCH."
-
HOW MUCH FOR THE BLUEBERRY BRIEFCASE?
-
IT'S A SURPRISE!
-
BECAUSE THE PRICE IS ONLY AVAILABLE AFTER YOU PAY.
-
BUT HERE'S A HINT: IT COSTS MORE THAN THE GRAPEFRUIT DUFFEL, BUT
-
LESS THAN THE CANTALOUPE BJORN.
-
AND FOR ANYONE WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH ON A $7,500 BIRTHING SILL,
-
COVETTON HAS YOU COVERED FOR YOUR POSTPARTUM NEEDS WITH OUR
-
$20,000 MAHOGANY PUMPING TABLE.
-
SIMPLY LAY FACE-DOWN ON THE SMOOTH COMFORT OF THIS RICH,
-
STIFF HONDURAN MAHOGANY, LINE YOUR BREASTS UP WITH THE
-
STERLING SILVER PAILS, AND LET GRAVITY DO ITS THING.
-
I THINK.
-
NOT SURE HOW ALL THE LADY STUFF WORKS.
-
AND REMEMBER: COVETTON'S PRODUCTS COME WITH THE EXACT
-
SAME GUARANTEE AS THOSE FROM GOOP: IN A PINCH, YOU CAN PUT
-
ALL OF THEM IN YOUR VAGINA.
-
IT BALANCES YOUR KUNDALINI, OR SOMETHING.
-
I DON'T KNOW.
-
AGAIN, IT'S ALL-- IT'S ALL A MESS UPON
-
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STARS OF "THE CROWN," OLIVIA COLMAN
-
AND GILLIAN ANDERSON.