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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WELCOME BACK.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON.

  • >> Jon: OH, HELLO, HELLO!

  • >> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND!

  • >> Jon: HELLO, YES, SEE THAT, MAN.

  • YOU SEE, TIME IS MOVING ON, AND I'M JUST TRYING TO BE PRESENT.

  • CAT'S GOT TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT WHEN

  • IT'S HAPPENING.

  • YOU SEE?

  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD BIRTHDAY?

  • IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW?

  • >> Jon: YES, THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

  • IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

  • I ALWAYS LOVE THAT MY BIRTHDAY IS ON VETERANS DAY, CELEBRATE

  • THE VETERANS, AND I HAVE VETERANS IN MY FAMILY.

  • AND I ALSO WANTED TO JUST SEND LOVE OUT TO EVERYBODY IN THIS

  • TIME.

  • YOU KNOW, WHEN TENSION IS COMING TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY I'M SENDING

  • THE LOVE RIGHT BACK.

  • LOUIS ARMSTRONG USED TO GIVE GIFTS TO PEOPLE ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.

  • >> Jon: I LOVE THAT KIND OF STUFF.

  • >> Stephen: HOBBITS DO THAT IN "LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • THEY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PRESENTS ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS.

  • >> Jon: I LIKE THAT A LOT.

  • >> Stephen: I WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT THE VETERANS, TOO, WE WANT

  • TO SEND LOVE OUT TO ALL THE VETERANS OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY

  • RIGHT NOW, AND ESPECIALLY THOSE COMING BACK FROM SERVICE

  • OVERSEAS, BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO BE ABLE TO

  • SEE THEIR FAMILIES, ESPECIALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, BUT RIGHT

  • NOW, THEY CAN'T BECAUSE OF THE COVID QUARANTINE AND THE

  • INABILITY TO TRAVEL FREELY IN THE UNITED STATES.

  • SO IF YOU KNOW A VETERAN OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY SOMEBODY WHO

  • HAS JUST COME BACK, SEND THEM A LOT OF LOVE THESE HOLIDAYS.

  • BECAUSE THIS ISOLATION THAT EVERYBODY IS FEELING RIGHT NOW,

  • THEY'VE MADE THAT SACRIFICE FOR US FOR YEARS SO THAT WE COULD BE

  • SAFE OVER HERE.

  • GOT ANYTHING FOR THE VETERANS THERE, JON.

  • >> Jon: OH, MY GOOD.

  • THE VETERANS, THIS IS MY RHAPSODY FOR THE VETERANS.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

  • FOLKS, WE ARE STILL IN THE MIDST OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WITH A

  • WHITE-KNUCKLED GRIP ON OUR REPUBLIC, SO IT'S THE PERFECT

  • TIME TO REMEMBER WHAT'S TRULY IMPORTANT: BUYING THINGS.

  • AND WHO BETTER TO GUIDE US THAN LIFESTYLE GURU AND GROWN-UP

  • HANSEN BROTHER, GWYNETH PALTROW.

  • CUZ IT'S THE MOST GOOP-IFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! ♪

  • IT'S THE RELEASE OF THE GOOP HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE.

  • AND THIS YEAR'S OFFERINGS DO NOT DISA-GOOP.

  • LIKE THIS $1,995 ACRYLIC OUIJA BOARD.

  • "OOH, SOMETHING'S COMING SOMETHING'S COMING THROUGH.

  • IT SAYS "YOU...

  • ARE...

  • A...

  • SUCKER."

  • GOOP ALSO HAS A NUMBER OF FOOD-THEMED GIFTS ON OFFER THIS

  • YEAR, LIKE THIS $240 GERMAN OAT FLAKER.

  • BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE FLAKING YOUR OATS LIKE SOME FILTHY

  • SWEDE.

  • HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, MEIN HERR!

  • AND YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "STEPHEN, DON'T ALL OATS COME

  • PRE-FLAKED?" TO WHICH I SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU

  • GO ENJOY YOUR PICKLED HERRING, YA DAMN SWEDE."

  • THAT'S NOT ALL.

  • GOOP-ETH IS ALSO RECOMMENDING A $210 BED LAMP MADE OF BREAD.

  • JUST REMEMBER: DON'T FILL UP ON LAMP, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ROOM FOR

  • YOUR...

  • TABLE?

  • TO BE CLEAR, THIS THING IS REALLY BREAD.

  • THE GOOP LISTS THE INGREDIENTS AS BREAD FLOUR, CAKE FLOUR,

  • SALT, YEAST, L.E.D. LIGHTS, AND POWER CORD WITH DIMMER SWITCH.

  • SO IT WON'T WORK FOR ALL DIETS.

  • "OH, SORRY, I'M KETO.

  • DO YOU HAVE A MEAT LAMP?

  • JOE ROGAN SAYS ONLY EAT LAMPS THAT CAVEMEN USED."

  • IF YOU'RE MORE OF AN ANALOG FOOD FAN, MIGHT GOOP INTEREST YOU IN

  • THIS TSUKEEA KABAN WATERMELON BAG.

  • ALSO HANDY FOR CARRYING THE GIGANTIC BALLS YOU HAVE TO BE

  • SWINGING TO OWN A BAG EXCLUSIVELY FOR WATERMELONS.

  • HOW MUCH WILL THIS MELON SATCHEL SET YOU BACK, YOU ASK?

  • WELL, KEEP ASKING, BECAUSE THE PRICE IS ONLY AVAILABLE UPON

  • REQUEST.

  • SO IT'S REALLY TWO TREATS IN ONE: YOU GET THE WATERMELON BAG

  • AND YOU GET TO ASK, "EXCUSE ME, HOW MUCH FOR THAT WATERMELON

  • BAG?" AND WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES,

  • THE PEOPLE'S TRIBUNAL CAN JUST POP YOUR SEVERED HEAD IN THERE.

  • AND FOR ANY SOON-TO-BE MOMS OUT THERE, THERE'S THE STILIYANA

  • MINKOVSKA CUSTOM BIRTH SILL FOR $7,500.

  • PERFECT FOR ALL THOSE EXPECTANT MOTHERS WHO WOKE UP THINKING, "I

  • LIKE BEING PREGNANT, BUT I WISH IT WAS MORE EXPENSIVE."

  • NOW, YOU MAY BE THINKING "HEY GWYNETH, IT'S A PANDEMIC, GOOP

  • THE ROOM."

  • AND YOU'D BE RIGHT.

  • THIS IS AN OUT-OF-TOUCH CASH GRAB THAT EXPLOITS PEOPLE'S

  • DESPERATE NEED FOR COMFORT DURING THIS TRYING TIME,

  • AND DADDY WANT IN.

  • IT'S TIME FOR MY OWN HIGH-END LIFESTYLE BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.

  • SHABBY ELEGANCE.

  • GIVE ME MONEY.

  • COVETTON HOUSE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,

  • FRIENDS, TO COVETTON HOUSE WHERE WE BELIEVE "PANDEMIC" IS

  • JUST AN ANAGRAM FOR "DIM PECAN," WHICH IS WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO

  • BE TO WANT TO BUY OUR STUFF.

  • HERE AT COVETTON HOUSE, WE KNOW THAT FOR MANY AMERICANS, THIS

  • HOLIDAY SEASON LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

  • COVID-19 HAS CREATED MONEY WORRIES, SUCH AS, "I'M WORRIED

  • NO ONE'S GONNA COME TAKE MY MONEY!"

  • WELL, WE'RE HERE TO HELP.

  • HUNGRY?

  • LOOK NO FURTHER THAN COVETTON'S $920 BREAD MADE OF LAMP.

  • JUST THROW SOME HAM AND CHEESE BETWEEN TWO DELICIOUS,

  • SHARD-FILLED SLICES, AND YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A HIGH-FIBER

  • UPSCALE BOWEL PERFORATION.

  • GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOU HEALTH NUTS: OUR BREAD IS MADE OF ALL-

  • NATURAL POWER CORDS, DIMMER SWITCHES, CERAMIC BASES,

  • SHATTERED BULBS, AND LOOSE TUNGSTEN WIRE FILAMENTS.

  • BUT GLUTEN FREE.

  • NOW, IF YOU LIKE FORTUNE TELLING THAT COSTS A FORTUNE, THEN

  • YOU'LL LOVE OUR $6,800 DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED MAGIC-8 BALL

  • LOADED WITH EVERY RESPONSE YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED, LIKE "YES,

  • YOUR CHAUFFEUR IS STEALING FROM YOU" AND "YES, DEFINITELY,

  • RODRIGO, YOUR SCUBA INSTRUCTOR/ BODYGUARD-TURNED-FIANCE SHOULD

  • SIGN A PRENUP."

  • IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STYLISH WAY TO CARRY YOUR PRODUCE, LOOK

  • NO FURTHER THAN THE COVETTON HOUSE BLUEBERRY BRIEFCASE.

  • IT'S THE MOST STYLISH WAY TO SAY, "I DON'T EAT VERY MUCH."

  • HOW MUCH FOR THE BLUEBERRY BRIEFCASE?

  • IT'S A SURPRISE!

  • BECAUSE THE PRICE IS ONLY AVAILABLE AFTER YOU PAY.

  • BUT HERE'S A HINT: IT COSTS MORE THAN THE GRAPEFRUIT DUFFEL, BUT

  • LESS THAN THE CANTALOUPE BJORN.

  • AND FOR ANYONE WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH ON A $7,500 BIRTHING SILL,

  • COVETTON HAS YOU COVERED FOR YOUR POSTPARTUM NEEDS WITH OUR

  • $20,000 MAHOGANY PUMPING TABLE.

  • SIMPLY LAY FACE-DOWN ON THE SMOOTH COMFORT OF THIS RICH,

  • STIFF HONDURAN MAHOGANY, LINE YOUR BREASTS UP WITH THE

  • STERLING SILVER PAILS, AND LET GRAVITY DO ITS THING.

  • I THINK.

  • NOT SURE HOW ALL THE LADY STUFF WORKS.

  • AND REMEMBER: COVETTON'S PRODUCTS COME WITH THE EXACT

  • SAME GUARANTEE AS THOSE FROM GOOP: IN A PINCH, YOU CAN PUT

  • ALL OF THEM IN YOUR VAGINA.

  • IT BALANCES YOUR KUNDALINI, OR SOMETHING.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • AGAIN, IT'S ALL-- IT'S ALL A MESS UPON

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STARS OF "THE CROWN," OLIVIA COLMAN

  • AND GILLIAN ANDERSON.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

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B2 goop jon stephen birthday lamp bread

The Covetton House Holiday Gift Guide Is Here!

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/12
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