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  • >> James: HELLO, GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO

  • THE "LATE, LATE SHOW."

  • WE HOPE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.

  • OF COURSE TODAY WAS VETERAN'S DAY AND ALL OF US HERE AT THE

  • SHOW WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND OUR GRATITUDE TO EVERYONE WHO HAS

  • SERVED IN THE ARMED FORCES.

  • WE APPRECIATE EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO TO KEEP ALL OF US SAFE.

  • MY FATHER WAS IN THE ROYAL AIR FORCE BACK HOME.

  • REGGIE, YOUR DAD SERVED IN THE AIR FORCE.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.

  • >> ST, YEAH, IT IS.

  • I MEAN I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.

  • >> HE WOULDN'T BE WHO HE IS WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.

  • I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.

  • IAN, YOU WOULD PRETTY MUCH BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.

  • >> SAME DUDE.

  • WELL, WE THANK YOUR DAD, WE THANK EVERYBODY ELSE OUT THERE

  • FOR THEIR SERVICE.

  • WE ABSOLUTELY DO.

  • AND WE REALLY, REALLY DO.

  • IT'S NOT TAKEN FOR GRANTED IN ANYWAY WHATSOEVER.

  • NOW I WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO ADDRESS SOMETHING FROM

  • YESTERDAY'S SHOW.

  • IT WAS TUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY, SO WE STARTED OUT THE

  • SHOW.

  • WE WISHED HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

  • WE WENT PRETTY BIG ON IT, YOU KNOW.

  • AND THEN TODAY I CAME IN TO WORK AND I FOUND OUT THAT IT WASN'T

  • YOUR BIRTHDAY AT ALL.

  • TODAY IS TIM'S BIRTHDAY.

  • (APPLAUSE) WHAT HAPPENED?

  • >> FIRST OF ALL, I WAS SO TOUCHED AND THIS WAS, YOU KNOW,

  • LIKE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH LIKE,

  • THAT PEOPLE ARE LOVING ON YOU, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO SAY NO,

  • YOU KNOW, AND I KNEW ALSO IT SHOWS AR MIDNIGHT SO I WAS LIKE,

  • SO I WAS DOING THE MATH.

  • >> James: VERY SMART.

  • >> ALSO IF I WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A

  • BUMMER FOR YOU, YOU WOULD BE EMBARRASSED, RIGHT?

  • I THINK?

  • >> James: I WOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

  • >> RIGHT.

  • >> James: I MEAN I WOULD BE LIKE, I THINK I WOULD BE LIKE

  • OH, WE'LL DO IT TOMORROW.

  • >> OH, OKAY.

  • WELL, NEXT TIME, NEXT YEAR I WILL-- SAY THAT.

  • >> James: NEXT YEAR I WILL MAKE SURE TO WISH YOU HAPPY

  • BIRTHDAY THE DAY BEFORE AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT PLAYS OUT.

  • >> WELL, THANK YOU AGAIN.

  • >> James: WELL LISTEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM.

  • WE LOVE YOU.

  • WE REALLY, REALLY DO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

  • >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

  • >> James: WE HAVE A FANTASTIC SHOW, LATER WE WILL CHAT WITH

  • THE ALWAYS CHARMING MAX GREENFIELD AND A PERFORMANCE

  • FROM ASHE AND NIALL HORAN YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS BUT FIRST THE

  • HEADLINES.

  • THIS MORNING PRESIDENT TRUMP MADE HIS FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE

  • IN SIX DAYS.

  • HE HAS BASICALLY BEEN IN HIDING SINCE SHORTLY AFTER THE ELECTION

  • AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING SUCH A GREAT WEEK.

  • BUT TRUMP FINALLY CAME OUT OF HIS HOLE.

  • AND YES, I CAN CONFIRM HE SAW HIS SHADOW.

  • WHICH MEANS IT'S GOING TO BE SIX MORE WEEKS OF VOTER FRAUD

  • CLAIMS.

  • IT IS HIS FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE IN I DAS.

  • SO I GUESS DONE A-- DONALD TRUMP IS CAPABLE OF QUARANTINING.

  • SERIOUSLY, HE WAS OUT IN PUBLIC SO MUCH MORE WHEN HE WAS

  • CONTAGIOUS WITH CORONAVIRUS.

  • AND TRUMP IS STILL UNWILLING TO CONCEDE TO PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE

  • BIDEN.

  • LAST NIGHT TRUMP TWEETED PEOPLE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS RIGGED

  • ELECTION.

  • TO BE CLEAR, HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, IS HE?

  • IT'S NOT "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.

  • BECAUSE THE ONLY THING PEOPLE IS BEING TO ACCEPT IS AN IN-DEPTH

  • INTERVIEW WITH KRISTEN CHENOWETH WHEN SHE GETS REAL ABOUT FAITH,

  • FAMILY AND ALL THE BROADWAY DRAMA YOU CAN HANDLE.

  • I MEAN PEOPLE WILL BE FINE.

  • IF PEOPLE CAN ACCEPT TACO BELL RETIRING THE MEXICAN PIZZA WHICH

  • IS AN OUTRAGE, I'M PRETTY SURE THEY CAN ACCEPT THIS.

  • MEANWHILE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT'S PAIN, ELECTION

  • OFFICIALS IN DOZENS OF STATES REPRESENTING BOTH POLITICAL

  • PARTIES HAVE DECLARED THAT THERE WAS NO WIDESPREAD ELECTION

  • FRAUD.

  • TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM OFFICIALLY RESPONDED WITH NUH-UH, THERE

  • WAS.

  • (LAUGHTER) IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHO TO PLEEF.

  • ON THE WITHIN HAND YOU HAVE THE WORD OF DOZENS OF BIPARTISAN

  • ELECTION OFFICIALS.

  • ON THE OTHER HAND YOU HAVE THE WORD OF TRUMP'S LAWYER.

  • >> ALL THE NETWORKS.

  • SWRZ BUT AFTER FACING PRESSURE FROM REPUBLICANS THE STATE OF

  • GEORGIA ANNOUNCED EARLIER THAT THERE WILL BE A FULL HAND

  • RECOUNT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.

  • A FULL HAND RECOUNT OR AS WE CALL IT HERE IN CALIFORNIA, AN

  • ARTISANAL BOOTH TO TABLE RECOUNT.

  • THERE IS NO INDICATION THIS WILL CHANGE THE OUTCOME BUT HEY, WHY

  • NOT FORCE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO SPEND DAYS INDOOR TOGETHER

  • DURING A SPIKING PANDEMIC.

  • WHAT HARM CAN IT DO.

  • WE'RE ALL HAVING FUN.

  • TRUMP'S BEHIND BY 14,000 VOTES IN GEORGIA.

  • YOU KNOW HOW BIG OF A SCREWUP IT WOULD TAKE TO GET SOMETHING LIKE

  • THAT WRONG?

  • THAT WOULD BE LUKE TRYING TO BOOK AN EVENT AT THE FOUR

  • SEASONS HOTEL BUT INSTEAD BOOKING IT AT FOUR SEASONS TOTAL

  • LANDSCAPING.

  • I MEAN THAT STORY WAS FOUR DAYS AGO AND IT STILL IS FUNNY TO ME

  • EVERY SINGLE DAY.

  • SOMETIMES I SIT AND I THINK ABOUT IT AND I IMAGINE THE

  • BEHIND THE SCENES, THE RIGAMAROOLL.

  • CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE T WAS BETWEEN A PORN SHOP AND A

  • CREMATORIUM.

  • >> James: YEAH.

  • >> IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY WITHOUT THAT AND IT GAVE US THAT

  • TOO.

  • >> James: I KNOW.

  • AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE THIS IS ALREADY SO FUNNY, WHO SHOULD GO

  • AND SPEAK.

  • I KNOW.

  • BUT JOE BIDEN'S NATIONAL VOTE TOTAL CONTINUES TO GROW.

  • RIGHT NOW IN THE POPULAR VOTE BIDEN HAS JUST SURPASSED 5

  • MILLION VOTE LEAD OVER TRUMP.

  • DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

  • >> WHOOO.

  • >> James: BELIEVE IT.

  • >> Reggie: OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> James: FIVE MILLION ILLEGAL VOTES.

  • (LAUGHTER) ALL TOTAL BIDEN HOLDS 50.8 PERSZ

  • OF THE POPULAR VOTE, THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE FOR ANY PRESIDENTIAL

  • CHALLENGER SINCE FDA IN 1932.

  • HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

  • BACK THEN FDR TOLD US THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR

  • ITSELF.

  • NOW DONALD TRUMP TELLS US WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT VOTER

  • FRAUD, IMMIGRANT, MUSLIMS, FREE HEALTH CARE, MIB MUL WAGE AND

  • LET'S NOT FORGET BAD WATER PRESSURE.

  • GO I MISS ANYTHING?

  • IAN WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE TO FEAR?

  • ANYTHING ELSE TO FEAR.

  • >> YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE OR A

  • COUPLE PEOPLE AND THEY BRING UP A MOVIE AND YOU PRETEND YOU HAVE

  • SEEN THAT MOVIE TO KEEP THE CONVERSATION.

  • >> James: I KNOW EXACTLY, DO I IT NIGHTLY.

  • (LAUGHTER) >> I CANNOT TELL YOU-- I CANNOT

  • TELL YOU HOW MUCH I I APPRECIATE THAT, I TELL YOU WHAT JAY LENO

  • TOLD ME TO DO.

  • THE WEEK BEFORE OUR FIRST SHOW WE SHOT A SKETCH WITH JAY PLENO

  • AND HE WAS JUST A GREAT GUY.

  • HE WENT, JAMES, DID YOU THIS FOR-- JAY, DID YOU THIS FOR 30

  • YEAR, ANY ADVICE.

  • >> HE GOES HERE'S THE THING, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WATCH ALL

  • THE MOVIES, WILL YOU NEVER DO IT.

  • WHAT YOU DO, THEY WILL SEND YOU A SCREENER, JUST FORWARD IT,

  • FORWARD IT FOR LIKE A MINUTE AND THEN JUST STOP AND WHEREVER IT

  • IS, WATCH THAT SCENE.

  • AND THEN WHEN ARE YOU TALKING TO THEM, YOU GO OH, HERE'S THE SEEN

  • SCENE HE I LOVE.

  • (LAUGHTER) NESS I LOVE THAT SCENE IN THE

  • GAS STATION.

  • AND THEY GO WOW, YOU MUST HAVE SCENE IT IF YOU LUKED THAT SCENE

  • IN THE GAS SPHAITION.

  • IT IS A LITTLE WEIRD THAT 50.8 PIRS OF THE VOTE IS CONSIDERED A

  • SOLID LEAD.

  • IS IT LIKE IN REGULAR LIFE IF SOMEONE CAME UP AND SAID YEAH,

  • ABOUT 50.8 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE LIKE YOU, YOU

  • WOULD BE LIKE WELL I MUST BE A COMPLETE AS [BLEEP].

  • >> WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS, THE WEBSITE LOSER.COM HAS BEEN

  • UPDATED.

  • NOW IF YOU VISIT THE SITE YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY REDIRECTED

  • TO DONALD TRUMP'S WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

  • THIS REALLY HAS TO STING FOR TRUMP.

  • THIS IS A BIG THING.

  • HE HAS EVEN LOST LOST THE SUPPORT OF TROLLS.

  • LOSER.COM.

  • WHAT A WSH SITE IT SOUNDS LUKE AN INSULT WOULD YOU HEAR AT

  • SCHOOL IN THE EARLY 2 THOUSAND.

  • WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE BEDAZZLED LOW RISE JEANS,

  • LOSER.COM?

  • HEY, IAN, WHERE DID YOU GET THEM SOCKSES, LOSER.COM?

  • NOW, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO DO ONE BACK.

  • I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE IN ON THE FUN.

  • I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE IN ON THE FUN.

  • I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE-- (LAUGHTER)

  • >> MUCH LIKE THIS MUSTACHE MY TRUST IN YOU WILL TAKE ANOTHER

  • TWO MONTHS TO GROW BACK.

  • >> Reggie: OH MY LORD.

  • >> James: I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH, I ITY THIS

  • YOU-- THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE IN ON THE FUN.

  • GO ON, SAY ONE BACK TO ME, PICK ONE FOR ME FOR LOSER.COM, GO ON.

  • >> WHERE CAN I STREAM CATS, LOSER.COM?

  • >> James: OH.

  • THAT IS QUITE A FUN GAME, ACTUALLY.

  • >> THAT IS KIND OF FUN, I LIKED IT.

  • >> James: QUITE A FUN GAME, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN STREAM

  • >> WOW, ALL THE NETWORKS SLM.

  • >> James: AND FINALLY WE WANT TO HE SHOW YOU THIS, A TOWN IN

  • JAPAN HAS FOUND A RATHER UNUSUAL WAY TO SCARE AWAY BEARS.

  • THESE BEARS HAVE BEEN BOTHERING THE TOWN RESIDENTS THEY ARE

  • USING A MOTION SENSOR DEVICE THAT THEY ARE CALLING A MONSTER

  • WOLF ROBOT.

  • HERE ST HERE.

  • ALTHOUGH IT REALLY DOES STOP THEM, THE WAY IT WORKS, THE BEAR

  • TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE MONSTER WOLF ROBOT AND JUST DIES

  • LAUGHING.

  • I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE BEEN IN THAT TOWN COUNCIL MEETING

  • WHEN SOMEONE IS LIKE HMMMM, SPITBALLING HERE, I KNOW WE HAVE

  • A PROBLEM WITH THE BEARS, ANYONE CONSIDER A MONSTER WOLF ROBOT?

  • YOU KNOW, A MONSTER WOLF, PUT IT UP ON A THING, YOU KNOW, MOTION

  • SEN CERTIFICATE AND THEY ARE LIKE I WAS GOING TO SENSE A

  • SIREN BUT LET'S GO WITH MONSTER WOLF ROBOTMENT YAW T IS

  • CUSTOMIZABLE TOO.

  • IF YOU WANT TO SCARE EVERYONE AWAY YOU CAN CHANGE IT TO AN

  • EVEN CRAZIER NOISE LIKE THIS.

  • >> WOW, ALL THE NETWORKS.

  • WOW, ALL THE NETWORKS.

>> James: HELLO, GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO

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Trump Emerges from Hiding as Biden's Lead Hits 5M

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/12
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