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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.

  • TO OUR LIVE LIVE ELECTION SPECIAL.

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M WEARING A SUIT TONIGHT BECAUSE IT'S THE ELECTION.

  • I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.

  • I DRESSED UP.

  • I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TOO.

  • I'M NOT ALONE.

  • I HAVE THE TWO MASKED MEN WHO ARE NORMALLY IN HERE.

  • I'D LOVE TO LEARN THEIR NAMES SOME DAY.

  • MY LADY WIFE IS HERE.

  • SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

  • SHE'S HAD A LITTLE WINE.

  • BUT SHE'S A CORE DEMOGRAPHIC.

  • SHE'S A SUBURBAN WOMAN.

  • AS SHE GOES, SO GOES THE NATION, IS MY UNDERSTANDING.

  • TONIGHT SHE'S GOING HOME WITH ME.

  • AND TONIGHT WE'RE ON SHO TIME, JUST LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO.

  • AND WE KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE, BECAUSE IT'S LIVE.

  • THE THING IS, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SOME OF THE INGREDIENTS OF

  • TONIGHT'S SHOW ARE GOING TO BE.

  • IT'S LIKE MAKING COOKIES.

  • AT THIS POINT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH,

  • CHOCOLATE CHIPS, RAISINS, OR A HANDFUL OF THUMBTACKS.

  • AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN, PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND

  • YOURSELF.

  • HOLD ON TIGHT.

  • HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONES.

  • HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.

  • AND IF YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO ANYTHING ELSE TURN YOUR ZOOM

  • CAMERA OFF.

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME WHY WE DID THIS AGAIN BECAUSE WE

  • DID IT FOUR YEARS AGO AND IT WAS A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE.

  • BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU RIGHT NOW,

  • AND PARTLY BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE NEW YORK

  • ANYMORE.

  • I'M GLAD TO BE ON SHOWTIME, BECAUSE HOLY ( BLEEP ).

  • THIS IS A ( BLEEP ) WEIRD ELECTION.

  • FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC, SO BEFORE THE POLLS

  • OPENED THIS MORNING, 99.7% OF AMERICANS VOTED.

  • A LOT OF THE VOTES WERE WERE SENT BY MAIL, AND AS WE PEEK,

  • THE G.O.P. IS WORKING HARD TO

  • CONVINCE THE COURTS TO DISQUALIFY VOTES ON

  • TECHNICALITIES AND BASELESS CHARGES OF FRAUD.

  • YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, FIND A JUDGE WHO

  • SAYS THAT, NO, ACTUALLY, YOU DID BEAT 'EM."

  • NOW, DOUBT ABOUT WHETHER THE ELECTION WILL BE FAIR OR NOT HAS

  • RAISED FEAR OF VIOLENCE IN THE STREETS.

  • IN FACT, ALL OVER THE COUNTRIES, RETAILERS ARE BOARDING UP THEIR

  • WINDOWS.

  • IT'S BEEN A BANNER DAY FOR JIM'S DOOMSDAY PLYWOOD.

  • JIM'S IS ACTUALLY OPEN.

  • THE PLYWOOD IS JUST-- IT'S JUST ALWAYS UP THERE.

  • BUSINESSES EVERYWHERE ARE TAKING PRECAUTIONS, INCLUDING SAKS

  • FIFTH AVENUE AND CVS.

  • INSTEAD OF PLYWOOD, CVS IS PROTECTING ITS WINDOWS WITH A

  • RECEIPT FOR A SINGLE GATORADE.

  • AS WE SPEAK, JOE BIDEN IS IN DELAWARE, THE PRESIDENT IS AT

  • THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • IF EITHER ONE OF THEM COMES OUT TO SPEAK, DURING THIS SHOW-- DO

  • WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO THIS?-- WE ARE PREPARED NOT TO

  • GO TO EITHER ONE OF THEM, BECAUSE THIS IS MY SHOW.

  • GET YOUR OWN SHOW, FELLAS.

  • AND WHILE THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW-- SO FAR-- THE RESULTS

  • YOU'LL BE HEARING ARE REAL.

  • WE'RE GETTING THEM STRAIGHT FROM THE PIPE OVER AT CBS NEWS,

  • THE SAME PIPE THEY JACK INTO THE BACK OF JOHN DICKERSON'S

  • HEAD.

  • AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE PRESIDENT IS THROWING A PARTY

  • IS THAT STILL HAPPENING?

  • IT'S STILL HAPPENING.

  • IT IS PLANNED FOR 250 GUESTS, DOWN FROM THE ORIGINAL 400.

  • TRUMP WANTED TO KEEP IT TO JUST HIS NEAREST AND DEAREST

  • CO-DEFENDANTS.

  • ONCE AGAIN, THE PRESIDENT IS HOLDING A LARGE INDOOR

  • GATHERING DURING A PANDEMIC.

  • THIS WAY, IF HE LOSES, HE CAN JUST SEAL HIS ADMINISTRATION IN

  • WITH HIM, LIKE A PHAROAH'S TOMB.

  • HE'S ALREADY GOT GOLD WALLS, HIEROGLYPHICS, AND HIS DEMONIC

  • ESCORT INTO THE UNDERWORLD.

  • AND TO KEEP TRUMP SAFE FROM THE ELECTION UNREST THAT HE'S

  • COUNTING ON, THE GOVERNMENT ERECTED A NON-SCALABLE FENCE

  • AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • SO, IN THE END, THEY BUILT. THE.

  • WALL. AND LOCKED. HIM. UP.

  • PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

  • YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES' LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A PITCH TO

  • THE VOTERS.

  • JOE BIDEN WAS IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE HE BROUGHT OUT A SPECIAL

  • GUEST: LADY GAGA!

  • BECAUSE NOTHING STEAMS TRUMP'S BUNS MORE THAN A TOP CELEBRITY

  • SHILLING FOR THE OTHER GUY.

  • THE BEST HE'S EVER GOTTEN WAS POP SENSATION LADY RUDY.

  • THOUGHT, IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE RUDY IN A COMEDY BIT WHERE HE'S

  • NOT TOUCHING HIMSELF.

  • SO AT ONE OF HIS CLOSING RALLIES, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT

  • BIDEN'S POP STAR FRIEND.

  • >> LADY GAGA IS NOT TOO GOOD.

  • I COULD TELL YOU PLENTY OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA.

  • I HAVE LOTS OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • YOU HAVE "LOTS" OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA?

  • THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING THAT ONE ABOUT THE SUPER-STRONG

  • RANCHER WHO'S NEVER CRIED BEFORE?

  • OR YOUR MADE-UP FRIEND JIM WHO DOESN'T GO TO PARIS ANYMORE?

  • OR THE WIFE WHO SUDDENLY LOVES HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THEIR 401K

  • IS DOING WELL?

  • STOP WASTING OUR TIME.

  • SPILL THE GAGA TEA!

  • AND I TRUST I DID THIS CORRECTLY!

  • THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN DOUBLED DOWN WITH A TWEET:

  • "NOTHING EXPOSES BIDEN'S DISDAIN FOR THE FORGOTTEN WORKING

  • MEN AND WOMEN OF PENNSYLVANIA, LIKE CAMPAIGNING WITH

  • ANTI-FRACKING ACTIVIST LADY GAGA."

  • YES, THAT'S WHAT LADY GAGA IS FAMOUS FOR.

  • WHO CAN FORGET HER BIG HIT: ♪ I'M OFF THE DEEP END

  • WATCH AS I DIVE IN I'LL NEVER FRAAAACK THE GROUND

  • LAUGH.

  • >> Stephen: THAT SONG GETS ME.

  • THAT SONG GETS ME EVERY TIME.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> COMING UP, MORE MONOLOGUE.

>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.

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The Only Certainty Is Uncertainty As Stephen Colbert Starts His Election Night Special

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/07
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