GENTLEMEN, AGAIN, THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE RECEIVED,

THANKS TO ADVANCE ED THANKS TO

ADVANCED COMPUTER MODELING AND THE OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM.

WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST, MARYLAND?

LET'S START IN MARYLAND, WHERE CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS

DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.

( AS TRUMP ) "BUT MARYLAND AND I HAVE SO MUCH

IN COMMON!

WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING PEOPLE CRABS!"

WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE BOOST, THANKS TO BEN & JERRY'S

NEW FLAVOR: FORMER ICE PRETZEL-MINT

CUP-OF-JOE BITE-IN AND CALI-FUDGIA SENA-PEANUTBU-TOR

KAMALANANNA HARR-REECES-PIECES.

I HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT JOKE.

THERE'S MORE?

MOVING ON, WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN

WON BY JOE BIDEN.

WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

IT'S HIS HOME STATE.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP LOSING NEW YORK.

HE WHAT?

THAT'S GOTTA STING.

WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA: NEW YORK

STATE AND ITS WHOPPING 29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN

CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH R. BIDEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU'RE NOT

DONALD TRUMP.

FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS,

AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

AND, OH, OF OH, LOOK!

MITCH McCONNELL IS SO PROUD, HE'S INFLATING HIS WATTLE!

OH, AN AGGRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.

WATCH OUT, LADIES.

NO SURPRISE, DONALD TRUMP HAS WON TENNESSEE, WHICH HAS AN

ACTUAL STATE GUN, THE BARRETT .50-CALIBER M82, WHICH I'M BEING

TOLD HAS ALSO WON ITS SENATE SEAT.

AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST, OR NORTH-- I'M NOT SURE--

INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

WELL, OF COURSE, IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM, OR TAKE MIKE PENCE

BACK.

THAT WAS AN EASY CALL.

AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN

NOW CONDFIDENTALY REPORT THAT THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA IS BEING

CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES:

( TO THE TUNE OF "OKLAHOMA" ) ♪ OOOOKLAHOMA, WHERE THEY DON'T

CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN CAIN ♪ HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

DID YOU GET SOME MORE WINE?

WITH WE GET HER SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?

THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

THE WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY-- WHATEVER THAT STATE SHE'S IN

RIGHT NOW.

SPEAKING OF STATES ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECIDED.

SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN THE STATE ARE REACTING,

AAAND...

>> AND OH NO!

>> ( BLEEP )!

>> Stephen: OKAY.

BACK EAST I'M GETTING-- IS THIS TRUE?

I AM GETTING BREAKING RESULTS FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW

JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

AFTER ALL, THE FIRST-EVER BASEBALL GAME WAS PLAYED IN NEW

JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE BIDEN WAS THERE.

YEP, STILL GONNA DO THESE JOKES, SIR!

AND I AM ALSO GETTING RESULTS IN FROM THE NATIONS MOST

MASSACHUSETTS-Y STATE, MASSACHUSETTS.

WE ARE READY TO PROJECT THAT IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.

BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTONIANS WITH HIS

MESSAGE OF TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO SHUT THE HELL UP.

OF COURSE, ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON RESULTS FROM OUR

COUNTRY'S MOST RECTANGULAR STATE, COLORADO.

AND WE GOT THEM.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN HAS JUST WON COLORADO!

HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT: COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF

VOTING BY MAIL.

IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES, 99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN

BALLOTS.

THE REMAINING .7% COULDN'T, BECAUSE THEY AHD TURNED THEIR

MAILBOX INTO A BONG.

THERE'S MORE.

HERE WE GO.

MISSOURI.

I'M PRETENDING THIS NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.

MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE LIKES THE GUY WHO'S ENTIRE SHOW

IS ME.

THIS ONE-- THIS ONE I DID NOT EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.

THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.

JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN STATE, CALIFORNIA

WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY

NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS FOR QUITE A WHILE.

SO WITH ZERO PERCENT REPORTING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- WITH ZERO

PERCENT REPORTING BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S CALIFORNIA.

AND THIS ISN'T THE NEWS, OKAY.

IS THAT IT?

CAN I MOVE ON TO OTHER JOKES?

HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.

FOLKS IF YOU WATCH ELECTION COVERAGE-- AND SPIRAL, YOU ARE

RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THE NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A PANEL OF

EXPERTS TO HELP THEM BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.

AND, IN CNN'S CASE-- SO THAT THE DIRECTOR HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO

WHEN JOHN KING GETS A LITTLE TOO HANDSY WITH HIS TOUCH SCREEN

ELECTIONS CAN BE LONELY.

NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO PANELS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE QUALITY,

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS QUANTITY.

CNN KNOWS THAT.

BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS-- MEANING THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE

DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING THAN THERE ARE VOTERS IN

WYOMING.

WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE OUT-QUANTITIED BY CNN.

SO, TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE OUR NEW SEGMENT:

STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHOWTIME 2020 ELECTION SPECIAL THE MOST

ELECTION NIGHT PANEL EVER.

WITH ME TO HELP ARE THE BIGGEST NAMES IN THE BIZ.

FIRST UP FROM CBS NEWS, MY OLD PAL, JOHN DICKERSON.

>> I'M HONORED AND CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: RIGHT YOU ARE.

HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN

FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR, JOHN

HICKENLOOPER.

>> ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO

SENATOR.

>> Stephen: NICE TRY, HICKEN LOOPER.

WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A MICHAEL BENNETT.

THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.

WE HAVE JAMES CARVILLE LIVE FROM THE 1993 DOCUMENTARY "THE WAR

ROOM."

>> IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.

>> Stephen: DON'T CALL ME STUPID, YOU CAJUN MOLE RAT.

NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN ON THE SLOGAN, MATH, HOW ARE THE

NUMBERS LOOKING TONIGHT, ANDREW?

>> THE NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GREAT TONIGHT, STEPHEN.

THREE AND FIVE ARE SO VISUALLY APPEALING.

11 HAS PERFECT SYMMETRY YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE.

THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.

>> Stephen: ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

NOW, FOR A SCIENTIFIC PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE

ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.

>> TONIGHT, I PREDICT THE UNIVERSITY WILL DIE OF HEAT

DEATH, 10 TO THE POWER OF 100 YEARS.

>> Stephen: WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

ABOUT THAT.

AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT BE AFFECTING THE RACE, WE WANTED

A DOCTOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DR. JAY.

>> I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: AND I'M NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER.

LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES, JAY.

NEXT CALLER.

FOR AN INTERNATIONAL PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE FORMER

SECRETARY OF STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.

>> WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES!

I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE PANCAKES!

>> Stephen: WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU NOW MADAM SECRETARY.

NEXT, WE HAVE A USED SKI-DOO SALESMAN ON METH.

>> ARE YOU I A COP?

YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR METH WITH ME IF YOU'RE A COP.

>> Stephen: WE ARE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY ONE OF THE GREAT,

BRYAN CRANSTON.

>> STEPHEN, THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO IMPRESS, AND IT'S SO

EASY TO MAKE.

ALL YOU NEED ARE CHICKEN THIGHS, HALF AN ONION, AND A BOTTLE OF

QAWNT ROW.

>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, BRYAN, THIS IS AN ELECTION SPECIAL, NOT

A COOKING SHOW.

>> RIGHT, BUT YOU CAN PREPARE THIS DISH WAY AHEAD OF TIME,

BEFORE THE PARTY, AND IT WILL BE READY BY THE TIME YOUR GUESTS

ARRIVE.

>> Stephen: YUM-NUM.