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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN, AGAIN, THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE RECEIVED,

  • THANKS TO ADVANCE ED THANKS TO

  • ADVANCED COMPUTER MODELING AND THE OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM.

  • WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST, MARYLAND?

  • LET'S START IN MARYLAND, WHERE CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS

  • DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "BUT MARYLAND AND I HAVE SO MUCH

  • IN COMMON!

  • WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING PEOPLE CRABS!"

  • WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE

  • PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

  • THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE BOOST, THANKS TO BEN & JERRY'S

  • NEW FLAVOR: FORMER ICE PRETZEL-MINT

  • CUP-OF-JOE BITE-IN AND CALI-FUDGIA SENA-PEANUTBU-TOR

  • KAMALANANNA HARR-REECES-PIECES.

  • I HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT JOKE.

  • THERE'S MORE?

  • MOVING ON, WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN

  • WON BY JOE BIDEN.

  • WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

  • IT'S HIS HOME STATE.

  • THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP LOSING NEW YORK.

  • HE WHAT?

  • THAT'S GOTTA STING.

  • WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA: NEW YORK

  • STATE AND ITS WHOPPING 29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN

  • CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH R. BIDEN.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU'RE NOT

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS,

  • AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

  • AND, OH, OF OH, LOOK!

  • MITCH McCONNELL IS SO PROUD, HE'S INFLATING HIS WATTLE!

  • OH, AN AGGRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.

  • WATCH OUT, LADIES.

  • NO SURPRISE, DONALD TRUMP HAS WON TENNESSEE, WHICH HAS AN

  • ACTUAL STATE GUN, THE BARRETT .50-CALIBER M82, WHICH I'M BEING

  • TOLD HAS ALSO WON ITS SENATE SEAT.

  • AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST, OR NORTH-- I'M NOT SURE--

  • INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

  • WELL, OF COURSE, IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM, OR TAKE MIKE PENCE

  • BACK.

  • THAT WAS AN EASY CALL.

  • AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN

  • NOW CONDFIDENTALY REPORT THAT THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA IS BEING

  • CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

  • WELL, YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES:

  • ( TO THE TUNE OF "OKLAHOMA" ) ♪ OOOOKLAHOMA, WHERE THEY DON'T

  • CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN CAINHOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

  • DID YOU GET SOME MORE WINE?

  • WITH WE GET HER SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?

  • THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

  • THE WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY-- WHATEVER THAT STATE SHE'S IN

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • SPEAKING OF STATES ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECIDED.

  • SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

  • LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN THE STATE ARE REACTING,

  • AAAND...

  • >> AND OH NO!

  • >> ( BLEEP )!

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • BACK EAST I'M GETTING-- IS THIS TRUE?

  • I AM GETTING BREAKING RESULTS FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW

  • JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN.

  • THAT MAKES SENSE.

  • AFTER ALL, THE FIRST-EVER BASEBALL GAME WAS PLAYED IN NEW

  • JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE BIDEN WAS THERE.

  • YEP, STILL GONNA DO THESE JOKES, SIR!

  • AND I AM ALSO GETTING RESULTS IN FROM THE NATIONS MOST

  • MASSACHUSETTS-Y STATE, MASSACHUSETTS.

  • WE ARE READY TO PROJECT THAT IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.

  • BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTONIANS WITH HIS

  • MESSAGE OF TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO SHUT THE HELL UP.

  • OF COURSE, ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON RESULTS FROM OUR

  • COUNTRY'S MOST RECTANGULAR STATE, COLORADO.

  • AND WE GOT THEM.

  • AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN HAS JUST WON COLORADO!

  • HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT: COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF

  • VOTING BY MAIL.

  • IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES, 99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN

  • BALLOTS.

  • THE REMAINING .7% COULDN'T, BECAUSE THEY AHD TURNED THEIR

  • MAILBOX INTO A BONG.

  • THERE'S MORE.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • MISSOURI.

  • I'M PRETENDING THIS NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.

  • MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

  • APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE LIKES THE GUY WHO'S ENTIRE SHOW

  • IS ME.

  • THIS ONE-- THIS ONE I DID NOT EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.

  • THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.

  • JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN STATE, CALIFORNIA

  • WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY

  • NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS FOR QUITE A WHILE.

  • SO WITH ZERO PERCENT REPORTING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- WITH ZERO

  • PERCENT REPORTING BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S CALIFORNIA.

  • AND THIS ISN'T THE NEWS, OKAY.

  • IS THAT IT?

  • CAN I MOVE ON TO OTHER JOKES?

  • HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.

  • FOLKS IF YOU WATCH ELECTION COVERAGE-- AND SPIRAL, YOU ARE

  • RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THE NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A PANEL OF

  • EXPERTS TO HELP THEM BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.

  • AND, IN CNN'S CASE-- SO THAT THE DIRECTOR HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO

  • WHEN JOHN KING GETS A LITTLE TOO HANDSY WITH HIS TOUCH SCREEN

  • ELECTIONS CAN BE LONELY.

  • NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO PANELS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE QUALITY,

  • BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS QUANTITY.

  • CNN KNOWS THAT.

  • BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

  • WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS-- MEANING THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE

  • DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING THAN THERE ARE VOTERS IN

  • WYOMING.

  • WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE OUT-QUANTITIED BY CNN.

  • SO, TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE OUR NEW SEGMENT:

  • STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHOWTIME 2020 ELECTION SPECIAL THE MOST

  • ELECTION NIGHT PANEL EVER.

  • WITH ME TO HELP ARE THE BIGGEST NAMES IN THE BIZ.

  • FIRST UP FROM CBS NEWS, MY OLD PAL, JOHN DICKERSON.

  • >> I'M HONORED AND CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT YOU ARE.

  • HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN

  • FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR, JOHN

  • HICKENLOOPER.

  • >> ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO

  • SENATOR.

  • >> Stephen: NICE TRY, HICKEN LOOPER.

  • WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A MICHAEL BENNETT.

  • THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.

  • WE HAVE JAMES CARVILLE LIVE FROM THE 1993 DOCUMENTARY "THE WAR

  • ROOM."

  • >> IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.

  • >> Stephen: DON'T CALL ME STUPID, YOU CAJUN MOLE RAT.

  • NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN ON THE SLOGAN, MATH, HOW ARE THE

  • NUMBERS LOOKING TONIGHT, ANDREW?

  • >> THE NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GREAT TONIGHT, STEPHEN.

  • THREE AND FIVE ARE SO VISUALLY APPEALING.

  • 11 HAS PERFECT SYMMETRY YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE.

  • THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.

  • >> Stephen: ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

  • NOW, FOR A SCIENTIFIC PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE

  • ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.

  • >> TONIGHT, I PREDICT THE UNIVERSITY WILL DIE OF HEAT

  • DEATH, 10 TO THE POWER OF 100 YEARS.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

  • ABOUT THAT.

  • AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT BE AFFECTING THE RACE, WE WANTED

  • A DOCTOR.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DR. JAY.

  • >> I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: AND I'M NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER.

  • LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES, JAY.

  • NEXT CALLER.

  • FOR AN INTERNATIONAL PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE FORMER

  • SECRETARY OF STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.

  • >> WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES!

  • I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE PANCAKES!

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU NOW MADAM SECRETARY.

  • NEXT, WE HAVE A USED SKI-DOO SALESMAN ON METH.

  • >> ARE YOU I A COP?

  • YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR METH WITH ME IF YOU'RE A COP.

  • >> Stephen: WE ARE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY ONE OF THE GREAT,

  • BRYAN CRANSTON.

  • >> STEPHEN, THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO IMPRESS, AND IT'S SO

  • EASY TO MAKE.

  • ALL YOU NEED ARE CHICKEN THIGHS, HALF AN ONION, AND A BOTTLE OF

  • QAWNT ROW.

  • >> Stephen: ACTUALLY, BRYAN, THIS IS AN ELECTION SPECIAL, NOT

  • A COOKING SHOW.

  • >> RIGHT, BUT YOU CAN PREPARE THIS DISH WAY AHEAD OF TIME,

  • BEFORE THE PARTY, AND IT WILL BE READY BY THE TIME YOUR GUESTS

  • ARRIVE.

  • >> Stephen: YUM-NUM.

  • ALSO JOINING US IS THE FLY THAT WAS ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD DURING

  • THE DEBATE.

  • >> ACTUALLY, THAT FLY WAS MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT

  • GRANDFATHER.

  • WE HAVE VERY SHORT LIFE SPANS.

  • NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO DEPOSIT EGGS IN THIZ SCALP.

  • >> Stephen: MOSLE TOF.

  • WE'VE ALSO GOT EXPERT ANALYSIS FROM A MEMBER OF THE WU TANG

  • CLAN METHOD MAN.

  • >> REPORTERS SHOW VOTER TURNOUT IS HIGHER THAN IT HAS BEEN IN

  • DECADES.

  • AND SO HAVE I.

  • ( LAUGHS ) >> Stephen: WE'VE ALL GOT TO

  • GET THROUGH THIS ELECTION SOMEHOW.

  • WE ALSO HAVE THE HOST OF "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."

  • WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TONIGHT?

  • >> WELL MAINE AND NEBRASKA ARE THE ONLY TWO STATES THAT ALLOW A

  • SPLIT IN THEIR STATE'S ELECTORS.

  • SO I WANT TO CELEBRATE THEIR DESIRE TO GO BOTH WAYS.

  • OOO-KER.

  • >> Stephen: NEXT WE HAVE AWARD-WINNING ACTOR AND AUTHOR,

  • ETHAN HAWKE, LIVE HAVE A HIDDEN CAMERA.

  • >> SOMEBODY LEAVE THEIR PHONE IN HERE?

  • IS THIS THING ON?

  • >> Stephen: AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BEEN CAUGHT.

  • >> COLBERT.

  • IS THAT YOU?

  • >> Stephen: HERE TO COUNT ELECTORAL VOTES, WE'VE GOT THE

  • TOOTSIE POP AL.

  • HOW MANY VOTES WILL THE CANDIDATES NEED TO CLINCH THE

  • ELECTION, MR. AL?

  • >> ONE... TWO... THREE.

  • >> Stephen: SO THREE?

  • >> NO, DUMMY 270.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER LOLLIPOP.

  • >> Stephen: NEXT WE HAVE ACTOR AND ACTIVIST GEORGE TAKEI.

  • GEORGE, WHAT STATES WILL YOU BE,LYING AT NIGHT?

  • >> PERSONALLY I'M INTERESTED IN THE SWING STATES OF OHIO AND

  • MICHIGAN, OR AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR POSTAL CODES OH, MY.

  • >> Stephen: ROUNDING OUT THE PANELS WE HAVE SIX OF SANTA'S

  • REINDEER, SOMEBODY IN A CEA WIG, AND TO TALK ABOUT THE YOUTH VOTE

  • FIVE TEENAGERS WHO ARE EITHER NAMED JOE OR DONALD.

  • >> MY NAME IS RONALD.

  • >> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.

  • THERE YOU HAVE IT, INFORMATION.

  • PANEL, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE NIGHT SO FAR?

  • ( ALL TALKING AT ONCE ) >> Stephen: I'M BEING TOLD

  • THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR.

  • THIS HAS BEEN "STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHOWTIME ELECTION SPECIAL 2020

  • PRESENTS THE MOST ELECTION NIGHT PANEL EVER"

  • MY APOLOGIES TO DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN, WE RAN OUT OF TIME.

  • >> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, STEPHEN.

  • I'VE GOT A UNIQUE HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL, BUT GO AHEAD.

  • >> DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THROUGHOUT HISTORY PEOPLE HAVE

  • WASTED ON HOTELS EVERY YEAR?

  • JUST THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'D SAVE IF YOU HAD A TIME SHARE IN

  • BEAUTIFUL KEY WEST, RIGHT NEXT TO TRUE --

  • >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO CUT YOU OFF THERE, DORIS.

  • I'M NOT BUYING A TIME SHARE FROM YOU AGAIN.

  • FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.

  • ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?

  • THANK YOU TO THE WHOLE PANEL.

  • THAT WAS...

  • SO GOOD.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> COMING UP, CHARLAMAGNE THE GOD.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, LADIES AND

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Stephen Colbert Consults RuPaul, Madeleine Albright, Dr. J And MANY More To Break Down The Electi…

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/07
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